Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been avidly reading this forum for quite some time and finally have got up the nerve to post my story. I post it not nearly as much to vent, but rather that I am totally perplexed as to what has gone on in my life.

 

I married my wife many years ago after a hyper sexual courtship and relationship for the first couple of years. We were both in our late 30's at the time, so I know that my wife was capable of such a sexual relationship. We lived together for a while, but our sex life began to wane significantly long before that, and we married about 5 years into the relationship. Since then, things in the sex department have gone from meager to none. We have been together close to 20 years now - and the irony is that our relationship is strong. We are physically affectionate, and like to spend time together more than anything else. I have a strong libido - especially after testosterone supplementation. While I believe my wife has a strong libido as well (she supplements too), the last thing she seems to want to do is have any sort of intimate physical contact with me. We are together most of the time - as life circumstances have been fortunate enough to not require either one of us to work. I'm afraid thats where our good fortune ends however.

 

In the last year or so, finally the subject of our sexless marriage has come up on few occasions. I try to the best of my ability to let her know how I feel, and that I miss that aspect of our lives. She tells me that she misses it too. We even saw a counselor a couple of times - unfortunately the counselor was not very good, and ended up being axed. My wife said that we could work on the problem on our own - and that we had just lost the "habit". I hadn't lost the habit - but rather had been turned down so many times that I just stopped asking. But this "lets deal with it ourselves" mentality started several months ago - and yet has never been addressed since in a serious way since then. Occasionally I will make a comment and she will say "Yes, I really want to start having a sex life with you again". But the words are empty and nothing ever happens - she doesn't even try to talk about it - but rather avoids the subject completely for some time after that.

 

So where does this leave me? Well, I have very little self esteem left. She knows this, yet refuses to acknowledge the problem. So not only am I left in a sexless marriage, but I am sitting here all the time wondering why? I also wonder shy she seemingly has so little respect for what is obviously bothering me greatly, to completely ignore the situation - and hence me. Over the years I have grown increasingly insecure about myself - and this is reflected in an obsessive quest to keep in shape and look the best I can - for who and what I do not know. The only good side to that is that I am quite fit and healthy for someone my age - and have lots of energy and vitality.

 

Clearly there is something I am missing here. How can we be so close - yet not physically close at all. Though she is a beautiful woman, she has no self image whatsoever. I'm sure that doesn't help things. She is far from modest and runs around the house with little or no clothes on much of the time. On top of that, aside from the usual differences in a relationship over this many years - we are very much in love and as close as two people can be - except when it comes to sex. I used to think it was something I was doing wrong. Now I realize that its not me, but have no idea of what it is all about. She recognizes the problem, but avoids taking any action. I am at wits end.

 

The only thing i can think of is since we both don't work and spend much of the day doing things together that she doesn't feel the need to "compete" with others for me in the outside world. She knows that she "has" me, and therefore doesn't try too hard to hold on - as she knows I will always be there. But will I? Probably, but not very happily.

 

Any comments are welcome. I feel I am missing some basic part of the equation, and have no idea what that actually is. Though I have little faith that our sex life will ever materialize, it seems to be something I need to understand if I am to live that way the rest of my life. Leaving her is unfathomable - so it seems that I may be stuck in this dilemma for many years to come.

 

Thanks for listening.

Link to post
Share on other sites
justpassingthrough

"I have a strong libido - especially after testosterone supplementation. While I believe my wife has a strong libido as well (she supplements too), the last thing she seems to want to do is have any sort of intimate physical contact with me."

 

Let's talk about these supplements you two are taking for a minute.

 

How can the supplement she's taking increase her libido, yet she has no desire to have sex.

 

Or is she substituting an alternative sexual pleasure (ie. masturbation) for sexual pleasure with you?

 

And, more importantly, why continue to take them if the desired effect isn't achieved?

Link to post
Share on other sites
.. our relationship is strong. We are physically affectionate, and like to spend time together more than anything else. I have a strong libido - especially after testosterone supplementation. While I believe my wife has a strong libido as well (she supplements too), the last thing she seems to want to do is have any sort of intimate physical contact with me. We are together most of the time - as life circumstances have been fortunate enough to not require either one of us to work.

 

Sounds to me like your wife has a very happy and content life - all her needs are met. Clearly she has no true need for sex (otherwise she would be approaching you for some). And for you to still be in a 20 year sexless marriage, it makes me wonder if you too have any real need for sex. Are you prepared for the possibility that your marriage could now end due to no-sex? If not, then I seriously doubt anything will change. I am not saying you need to verbally give the wife an ultimatum but you do need to make up your mind this issue will get solved right now one way or the other.

 

Your posting makes it sound like you have absolutely no control over this situation - fate has trapped you in a sexless marriage and there is nothing you can do about it.... WRONG!! You, jln99, are responsible for your own happiness. And if sex is to be a part of your marriage, then you will take action to make it so.

 

Sounds like you and wife have done alot of talking on this topic. My advice is to skip any further talk and just go directly into action. I do not mean to simply jump her walking down the hall - she needs a bit more warning that that. Go to a nice, romantic restaurant (the expensive kind where couples go, without any kids) and seduce her in pleasant conversation. Make it an early dinner so you get home way before your normal bed time. Now kiss her, hold her hand, whisper in her ear "let's make love" and lead her to the bedroom. Capiche? If she suggests you really should "talk some more about it" just be loving and clear that talk is not what you are after. If instead of getting intimate things still shift into talk mode, then tell her you are unable to live any longer in a sexless marriage. Do not be confrontational or give an ultimatum, just communicate (firmly!) that sex in your marriage is no longer optional, so if tonight is a bad night for her (physically) then she should give you another day and time to resume your sex life.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
- we are very much in love and as close as two people can be

 

you're not close; if you are here asking total strangers what's going on in your wife's head, heart and body then you are not close. Whatever it is, she doesn't feel able to communicate it effectively and you have failed to commmunicate how damaging this situation is to you and our marriage.

 

I don't doubt you love each other but if you have this white elephant in your marriage that you cannot talk about then you are not connecting on the most fundamental of levels, soul to soul, mind to mind you are emotionally on different planets and you are confused as to what is happening on her planet. No two people cosmically understand each other, especially when they are of opposite sex, ESPECIALLY about the complicated matter of sexuality but that's why God invented communication. If you cannot get her to understand how you are suffering and you cannot get her to speak about what is wrong and come up together with a plan of action then you are not close. You just look that way.

 

On a practical side, I would say first, you personally have to decide if you can live indefinitely without the sexual part of your marriage. If you can suck it up. If you cannot you have to communicate that to your wife - you have not done this so far since you mention how no firm actions were taken after your "heart to heart".

 

You mention supplements but you have not mentioned a visit to your GP (doctor) which is the first port of call.

 

If there is no physical explaination for this situation (which I doubt) you need to both agree to find another therapist (one on recommendation). Or a sex theapist depending on the diagnosis. You chose a dud therapist okay.. how important is this to you? If its not really a problem give up; if it is keep looking until you find one that is good.

 

What could be wrong could be a myriad of different things - I'm not sure of your wife's age but menopause, illness, mental or emotional problems, resurgence of supresses memories (childhood rape, sexual abuse) unhappiness, boredom, lack of romance in the marriage, stress, an affair (physical or emotional), porn addiction, insecurities (insecurities are not necessarily as a result of being physically unattractive) and a million other factors. There is no way to tell, you have to talk to her and she probably needs professional help.

 

Finally, I'm sure you've been reading but read the threads on sexless marriage - TOGETHER. I cannot emphasis enough how you must both do this as a team. Work at the problem together, no guilt no blaming just as if one or you had cancer of another illness that you didn't want to beat you. That is what "two people as close as they could be" would do they would work on a problem that effects them both TOGETHER.

 

If you were so "close" I see no problem reading through relevant threads here at LS together discussing the ideas you come across. Isn't that what a "close" couple would be able to do. Going to the local bookshop and finding self help books together, a 'close couple' shouldn't be embarrassed if its for the good of their marriage.

 

A truely close couple would even be able to read your original post you've just written together and take it from there. So I ask you - how close are you? If there is room for improvement and get moving and you'll have a better chance of finding out what the problem really is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe your wife doesn't fully understand how important sex is to you and needs to know that before she'll work at it. I know you've brought the subject up but my guess is that no or little sex must suit her (otherwise she'd have created more of a fuss) and she's assuming because you've not been very forceful on the matter all these years, you're okay with it too. I was in a relationship with a man who had impotence problems and his refusal to do anything about it (either by himself or as a couple) broke us up. We'd probably still be together (having next to no sex) if I'd said nothing, or very little about it. This would be fine if a relationship wasn't about two people's needs. The point is that I (like you, it seems) wanted a sex life and found it wasn't something I could compromise on - not without any hope of the situation changing.

You say the two of you are close and it's an established relationship so surely you can be honest with each other and find out if in your case there is a middle way where you don't have to remain sexually frustrated to retain the rest of the relationship.

Hope it works out for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

It could be that your wife, like many women in long term relationships simply lose the desire for sex over time, and don't feel that sex is a necessary part of a loving relationship. Other women simply don't like sex much in general (biochemical makeup leaves them on the short end of the libido stick), and will use it as a bait and switch to seal the marriage deal.

 

Some people just aren't sexual in general. They understand the uses of sex and will use it as necessary, but won't choose to have it once they don't need to anymore. Love and sex aren't related for people like this. They just don't need sex. Hard to believe, but there are people out there like that.

 

I expect that your wife feels that if you really love her, you would overlook and overcome this need for sex. Once you did that, I bet she would see that as a perfect marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way right?

 

She isn't any more likely to see things your way, than you are to see things her way. If she won't work on a solution, your options are limited:

 

1. Either accept that your life will be devoid of sex and learn to cope.

2. Continue to try to work on it with an unresponsive person, and eventually separate/divorce.

3. Have a sexual affair where you can get your sexual needs met (not recommended at all, but I'm just throwing it out there).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Lets see if I can reply to everyone so far in this one message.....

 

First of all, I do not want to stop testosterone supplementation. I really like having the libido of an 18 year old, and it really helps me stay physically fit. It is, however, a dilemma between that and the libido which is not getting satisfied.

 

My wife has no "need" for sex, true. What I don't understand is why she has no desire for sex. She was extremely sexual when I met her, and had been for many many years prior. What she doesn't seem to understand is how much all of this tortures me. Or perhaps she does not care. Or perhaps she knows and chooses to ignore it.

 

The problem with confronting her directly is that I have been there and done that. She feels guilty and defensive and clams up even more. She knows how wrong all of this has been - and no, I do not blame her. But the more I bring it up, the more she submerges it. We are very close, but on this one subject - we are worse than two kids in high school. Thats why it is so damned strange!

 

I'd say that the two of us could work it out, except for the fact that she has some deep dark reason why she does not want to get physical. I know she does not cheat, as we are together too much of the time. I agree that this togetherness is a big part of the problem. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps I need to start a business and keep away part of the time. Somehow I think this is the biggest factor - that I am too easy. I know that if she thought she was in danger of losing me, she would jump in bed right now. But I will not resort to that kind of tactic. I may be childish for my age, but not that childish.

 

I really think she is a sexual person - but somehow her lack of self esteem has forced her into looking at herself in a different light. I have tried and tried to help her on this and get nowhere.

 

I may have to accept the eventual non-sexuality of our marriage - or get something on the side (NSA). That is not my style, but then again, living sexless is not either.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Somehow I think this is the biggest factor - that I am too easy. I know that if she thought she was in danger of losing me, she would jump in bed right now. But I will not resort to that kind of tactic. I may be childish for my age, but not that childish.

Then what tactics are you willing to resort to? Because, as others here have told you, you're going to have to turn up the volume of your message in some way if you expect any change. You've been far more patient then I (or, I suspect, most men) would have been under the cicumstances - were I married to your wife, we would have had the proverbial "come to Jesus" meeting a long time ago!

 

If you two have a hard time discussing it directly, I'd structure your thoughts posted here in a letter to her. I'd give her the letter, tell her that you are going to leave the house for a couple of hours so she can read it and think, and then let her know that when you return you two are going to have "the talk". Don't accuse, don't get angry, but above all don't lose focus on the subject. Let her know that you want and need to begin working on the sexual side of your marriage TODAY, so is she in or out? It's really up to her...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Somehow I think this is the biggest factor - that I am too easy. I know that if she thought she was in danger of losing me, she would jump in bed right now."

 

I went through all this. Was it because I was too available, too much of a friend? Was it because my ex didn't see me as a sexual being? Was it because his ex-wife had rejected him sexually (as he claimed)? In the end, I never found out. If there was a 'deep, dark secret' it stayed deep, dark and secret. My self-esteem, like yours, was very low by the end and I blamed myself (despite knowing my ex had had these problems before). Your wife might jump into bed with you if she thought you were leaving tomorrow but where would that leave you in the long run? You'd stay and she'd probably revert to no sex once she felt secure again. You also run the risk of destabilising the other, good parts of your relationship.

As others have suggested you're probably going to have to make some tough decisions. You can't change another person.

Having said all that, counselling could work, if you are both really willing to give it a go. However, a friend I discussed this with said while it had worked for him it had taken two years to get the root of what was blocking him sexually. And he was really determined to sort himself out and rediscover his sexuality. Is your wife that determined and are you prepared to wait that long? You have the advantage of a long history with your wife so maybe the answer to both these questions is yes in your case.

Good luck. Really hope you find a solution.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lets see if I can reply to everyone so far in this one message.....

 

First of all, I do not want to stop testosterone supplementation. I really like having the libido of an 18 year old, and it really helps me stay physically fit. It is, however, a dilemma between that and the libido which is not getting satisfied.

 

My wife has no "need" for sex, true. What I don't understand is why she has no desire for sex. She was extremely sexual when I met her, and had been for many many years prior. What she doesn't seem to understand is how much all of this tortures me. Or perhaps she does not care. Or perhaps she knows and chooses to ignore it.

 

The problem with confronting her directly is that I have been there and done that. She feels guilty and defensive and clams up even more. She knows how wrong all of this has been - and no, I do not blame her. But the more I bring it up, the more she submerges it. We are very close, but on this one subject - we are worse than two kids in high school. Thats why it is so damned strange!

 

I'd say that the two of us could work it out, except for the fact that she has some deep dark reason why she does not want to get physical. I know she does not cheat, as we are together too much of the time. I agree that this togetherness is a big part of the problem. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps I need to start a business and keep away part of the time. Somehow I think this is the biggest factor - that I am too easy. I know that if she thought she was in danger of losing me, she would jump in bed right now. But I will not resort to that kind of tactic. I may be childish for my age, but not that childish.

 

I really think she is a sexual person - but somehow her lack of self esteem has forced her into looking at herself in a different light. I have tried and tried to help her on this and get nowhere.

 

I may have to accept the eventual non-sexuality of our marriage - or get something on the side (NSA). That is not my style, but then again, living sexless is not either.

 

 

I must say that your relationship with your wife sounds very similar to what my marriage used to be.

 

I had the desire and need for sex but (like your wife) had extremely low self esteem. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was but I just couldn't get it in my head that he was actually telling me the truth and not just saying that so he could get laid. It's a very vicious cycle. Unfortunately it ended with my husband having an affair. I (like your wife seems to think) didn't think he would ever do that to me, in other words "I had him" and that was that. Wrong. He loved me so much but my constantly rejecting him for years finally made him give up. I'm not blaming myself for his actual stepping out of our marriage but I can see why he would do it. I guess someone can only be rejected for so long before they finally give up.

 

Actually, as stupid as it sounds, it wasn't until I was sitting here one night (all alone lurking at LS) after I had kicked him out that I realized how stupid the whole thing was on my behalf. Here I had this husband who loved me dearly, constantly complimented me, yet I pushed him away so far that he eventually did the unthinkable. I read quite a few of the sexless marriage threads (do a search for them) and it was a real eye opener. A lot of people just don't realize how important it is to make your partner feel wanted and desired. I know I didn't. While reading the threads here I put myself in his shoes and it was like a smack across the face. I will never do that to him again.

 

We are now working on our marriage AND sex life and honestly, everything is better than ever. Yes, I still hurt alot due to his affair and we are working on that but I think if we can get over it then we'll be stronger than ever.

 

I'm not telling you to go out and have an affair because that's not the way to solve things but your wife really, really needs to know how important sex is to a marriage if one partner wants it but the other one doesn't care. My husband was not the cheating kind until all of this. He had a woman after him for almost two years until he finally ended up having an affair with her. I don't think he would have ever done what he did if our sex life was the way it should have been.

 

Your wife needs to work on herself as well because I know how hard it is to deal with self esteem issues and no amount of compliments is going to fix her problem. Obviously she didn't always feel this way about herself which is the same way I was. I went through a "slump" and I had to fix that for myself. I won't bore you with the details but I'll say that although there are still lingering insecurities once in awhile, I do feel amazing now. It's shocking how a little bit of self esteem changes things in the bedroom. ;)

 

Anyways, I hope everything works out for you and your wife. It sounds like you really do love each other so hopefully you can fix this before it's too late.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I very rarely make comments on other peoples' posts but I felt I wanted to say what an amazingly brave and eye opening post Fireandice just wrote - it is extremely rare to hear from the 'denying' partner and think she made some very valuable points.

 

Thanx F&I for your incites

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I must say that your relationship with your wife sounds very similar to what my marriage used to be.

 

I had the desire and need for sex but (like your wife) had extremely low self esteem. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was but I just couldn't get it in my head that he was actually telling me the truth and not just saying that so he could get laid. It's a very vicious cycle. Unfortunately it ended with my husband having an affair. I (like your wife seems to think) didn't think he would ever do that to me, in other words "I had him" and that was that. Wrong. He loved me so much but my constantly rejecting him for years finally made him give up. I'm not blaming myself for his actual stepping out of our marriage but I can see why he would do it. I guess someone can only be rejected for so long before they finally give up.

 

 

Thats my situation precisely - and yes, that was and AMAZING post. But how would you suggest I go about rectifying things? I have not cheated ... but this cannot go on forever.

 

I think you know my situation almost too well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
... but this cannot go on forever.

Well, unfortuneately, yes it can. Unless you do something to change it. You've been given some good ideas and suggestions here, so what's the next step for you :confused: ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
I very rarely make comments on other peoples' posts but I felt I wanted to say what an amazingly brave and eye opening post Fireandice just wrote - it is extremely rare to hear from the 'denying' partner and think she made some very valuable points.

 

Thanx F&I for your incites

I agree. That was one of the best posts here on LS. Wow!

Link to post
Share on other sites

jln- how can making love be rendered to "hoping to get laid" between two people who love and adore each other?

 

Lovemaking is more than a filling of needs, it's a sharing of intimacy and caring between two loving individuals. And it's a hell of a lot of fun :)

 

You say you cuddle, or are physically close. Well, what happens when you kiss her? Nibble her lips, kiss her neck, sit her on your lap and whisper in her ear "Can you feel how I want you?"

 

Does she push you away? Get all shy or old-maidish? Say "not now, honey, I have a headache?"

 

Her self-esteem doesn't seem to enter into whether or not you two love each other. So why should it interfere with an expression of that love?

 

I guess my main question is, how does she respond to actual seduction? Her response or method of rejection is the only thing we can base any rebuttal on. When we know what concerns she raises we can give some advice on how to overcome them.

 

If she honestly thinks (due to her self-esteem) that she is not beautiful enough or good enough for you, then she shouldn't have a problem with you going outside the marriage to satisfy your needs with a "good enough" woman. My only advice at this point would be to request sanctioned adultery- either put up or give you permission to fill your needs elsewhere.

 

I'm a bit on the chubby side- I don't always feel attractive, or even as attractive as my boyfriend. But that doesn't stop me from appreciating the intimacy that we share when we make love- my self-esteem simply has no place in our bedroom. The fact that he's happy to make love with me is affirmation enough that I'm attractive and cared for. Not to mention the excellent relationship that we have and the caring that I feel in our dealings outside the bedroom.

 

Honestly I find your situation mind-boggling. What is going on in your lovely wife's head???? Give us some input on her actual response.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I really feel that there is something missing from this story. It does not make sense.

 

Do you believe your wife was faking her sexuality during the early part of the marriage? That is the only logical answer to what you have presented -especially since you are "blaming" her reaction on feeling too comfortable and taking you for granted.

 

If you don't think her interest was a fraud, then there is something more. Are you sure that she does not have depression? A medical problem? A medication that is reducing her libido? Has she had a huge blow to her self esteem? Have you taken up a new interest/activity that might impact her in this manner?

 

Don't get me wrong - I am VERY sympathetic to your plight. A sexless marriage is not a fair situation unless it is mutual. I can understand how a person might actually feel "driven" to cheat (I am probably going to get it for that admission, but whatever). So, I feel for you but think either you are missing something or leaving something out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

"A lot of people just don't realize how important it is to make your partner feel wanted and desired. I know I didn't. While reading the threads here I put myself in his shoes and it was like a smack across the face. I will never do that to him again."

 

This seems to me to be the crucial point. You and your wife love each other and presumably you would both be devastated if you split up so your wife simply can't know how important the lack of sex is to you. If she did she would be going all out to try and sort things out, knowing that the relationship is, ultimately, in jeopardy.

 

Again, I know you say you've brought the matter up but I can't believe your wife (if she truly loves and wants you) knows how much this matters to you or she would be trying to resolve this issue with you.

 

If she's not prepared to work on it once she really understands how you feel then that's a different matter but I don't think that's where you're at, is it? :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

It sounds like what it comes down to his this:

 

H's POV: Our marriage is being ruined by something as important as sex.

 

W's POV: Why would you ruin a perfectly good marriage over something as stupid as sex?

 

Rock, meet hard place. Neither is going to budge on this one, methinks. She probably won't ever see it his way, because she simply doesn't want or need sex and still loves him, so she can't understand why he can't overcome his need for sex and still love her too.

 

If she will not agree on some sort of couple's therapy to at least learn to empathise with each other's point of view and work on some coping strategies, or perhaps compromise then your choices are limited. Divorce, or live out the rest of your life with no sex. She will not want to go for help if she thinks that you are only wanting her to go to make her want sex. She doesn't want it, period. So what is left is coping and compromise. Let her know that you want to understand how she is feeling, and that you want her to understand how you are feeling.

 

You can take a woman to bed, but you can't make her want sex. Understand that therapy likely won't make her want or desire sex. She may never want or desire sex again, but at least with some help perhaps there can be some middle ground found there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What women DON'T understand is that men can think/need of sex in TWO different ways that ALL of us have experienced.

 

When single and in that carefree stage of our life we can have sex without any 'strings attached'. Alot of us have the ability to detach ourselves from any emotion with regards to sex with a stranger or with someone we know that is not going to be a long-term part of our lives. We do it for the instant gratification and for the fun of it.

 

When we are in a committed long-term relationship we associated having sex with showing/feeling loved. It doesn't matter how many times we are told 'I love you', without the 'making love' part of this the words over time become doubtful. The words kind of become meaningless since we are told this yet the most essential part of a relationship is not happening. As the OP suggested we first become doubtful of ourselves like something is wrong with us, however over time we realize that this problem is not due to us.

 

I don't think women truly understand how important the sex in our relationships mean to us. It solidifies that bond we have with you, it keeps us closer together. Its the one of the few things that we ONLY do with you and no one else. However when that major part of our relationship gets neglected, we feel neglected.

 

Alot of these women need to get their heads out of the sand and know that if you neglect someone long enough they will get their needs met elsewhere. It's not words but actions that shows us you love us.

 

To the OP I would show her this post, she might get mad but encourage her to read the whole thing. It could be a physical thing with her, maybe her seeing a doctor might help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thats my situation precisely - and yes, that was and AMAZING post. But how would you suggest I go about rectifying things? I have not cheated ... but this cannot go on forever.

 

I think you know my situation almost too well.

 

Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do until she is ready to see how important it is. For me it took a hard dose of reality before I "got it" but nothing before that made any difference. I remember my husband saying to me about a year or so ago "I need sex. We're not 80 years old and I can't live the rest of our marriage like this." We had a talk that night and I told him that I would try but honestly, I didn't. It wasn't him, I loved him and was very attracted to him-- it was me.

 

Like I said in my earlier post, a lot of women (and I'm sure some men) just don't understand how important it is. They figure that if everything else is great then the sex issue isn't a priority in their marriage. I could have told my husband how much I loved him until I was blue in the face but since I wasn't showing him then it really didn't matter anymore. It was sort of like he stopped believing me and what I was saying.

 

The only thing you can do at this point is sit her down and tell her everything you've told us here at LS. Tell her how important it is for you, how important it is for a marriage. Explain how you love her with all of your heart but you can't keep living with the rejection you get from her because let's face it, that's what she's doing. Then give it a month of so to see if anything changes. If not then you have to seriously think about what you want your next step to be. Are you willing to live in a sexless marriage forever? Is it a big enough issue for you to consider ending the marriage?

 

Whatever you do, don't have an affair. Yes, some women will take their husbands back after they find out but a lot won't. It's really not worth all of the pain it causes both parties because it's something that will linger in your marriage for years. Give your wife every opportunity to change things before deciding on your next step.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It sounds like what it comes down to his this:

 

H's POV: Our marriage is being ruined by something as important as sex.

 

W's POV: Why would you ruin a perfectly good marriage over something as stupid as sex?

 

Rock, meet hard place. Neither is going to budge on this one, methinks. She probably won't ever see it his way, because she simply doesn't want or need sex and still loves him, so she can't understand why he can't overcome his need for sex and still love her too.

 

If she will not agree on some sort of couple's therapy to at least learn to empathise with each other's point of view and work on some coping strategies, or perhaps compromise then your choices are limited. Divorce, or live out the rest of your life with no sex. She will not want to go for help if she thinks that you are only wanting her to go to make her want sex. She doesn't want it, period. So what is left is coping and compromise. Let her know that you want to understand how she is feeling, and that you want her to understand how you are feeling.

 

You can take a woman to bed, but you can't make her want sex. Understand that therapy likely won't make her want or desire sex. She may never want or desire sex again, but at least with some help perhaps there can be some middle ground found there.

 

It could be that she does want it but her low self esteem (or possibly depression) prevents her from actually doing it. That was the problem in my case. It had nothing to do with the lack of desire. It was the fact that I felt so horrible about myself that I couldn't imagine how he could find me sexy and desireable. It got to the point the more he'd compliment me, the more I resented him because I figured he was only saying that because he wanted sex. From reading the OP posts it sounds like they are in the same situation.

 

Therapy is always an option but if she's not ready to deal with the real issue then it won't work.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I very rarely make comments on other peoples' posts but I felt I wanted to say what an amazingly brave and eye opening post Fireandice just wrote - it is extremely rare to hear from the 'denying' partner and think she made some very valuable points.

 

Thanx F&I for your incites

 

I agree. That was one of the best posts here on LS. Wow!

 

 

Thanks. :o

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do until she is ready to see how important it is. For me it took a hard dose of reality before I "got it" but nothing before that made any difference.

 

Thats the dilemma - a reality check is needed to make progress on the issue, and the things that would force a reality check are not acceptable forms of behavior for me.

 

My wife and I first started addressing this issue about a year ago - and she agreed it was an area in which we needed to improve. Things improved for about a month, and then went back the way they were. Since then, we've talked about it and it seems like we're on the right track - only nothing ever happens. It just never is the right time or place. So each time I bring it up, I get the answer that we are working on it ... but nothing ever happens. Clearly we are at an impasse - or so it seems.

 

We have been together close to 20 years, and I do not see us ever breaking up - and certainly not over this issue. I do not see cheating as a real possibility either - however I might joke about it or allude to it. I am just totally spinning my wheels on this one. We both know of the problem, we both agree we need to work on it, and nothing ever happens.

 

OK FireandIce .... what would you do if you were me, given your perspective on this problem?

 

I really thank you for your honesty and candor - it has helped me understand a great deal about what is going on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thats the dilemma - a reality check is needed to make progress on the issue, and the things that would force a reality check are not acceptable forms of behavior for me.

 

My wife and I first started addressing this issue about a year ago - and she agreed it was an area in which we needed to improve. Things improved for about a month, and then went back the way they were. Since then, we've talked about it and it seems like we're on the right track - only nothing ever happens. It just never is the right time or place. So each time I bring it up, I get the answer that we are working on it ... but nothing ever happens. Clearly we are at an impasse - or so it seems.

 

We have been together close to 20 years, and I do not see us ever breaking up - and certainly not over this issue. I do not see cheating as a real possibility either - however I might joke about it or allude to it. I am just totally spinning my wheels on this one. We both know of the problem, we both agree we need to work on it, and nothing ever happens.

 

OK FireandIce .... what would you do if you were me, given your perspective on this problem?

 

I really thank you for your honesty and candor - it has helped me understand a great deal about what is going on.

 

I really don't know what you should do. Have you suggested counseling or a sex therapist? It's hard because until she's really ready to address the issue then anything you do or say will be pretty much useless. You have to try and make her know how important it is, that it is very serious.

 

I really wish I had a better answer for you.:(

Link to post
Share on other sites
It sounds like what it comes down to his this:

 

H's POV: Our marriage is being ruined by something as important as sex.

 

W's POV: Why would you ruin a perfectly good marriage over something as stupid as sex?

 

Anyone who feels that sex is stupid and unimportant should not object if their spouse does this stupid and unimportant thing with someone else, right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...