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Scale of one to ten...


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If your spouse is so mad at you that he confides his anger to his family members and portrays you badly, how bad is this on a scale of one to ten? Like what is the life expectancy of the marriage when things have gotten this bad? Or maybe my spouse has been undermining me this way for a long time, which would explain why some of my in-laws are getting a bit snippy. I am afraid to know.

 

My spouse allows his sister, mostly, to manipulate him and take advantage of him, and yet I get nowhere with him when I want even a simple thing like a bandaid when I cut my finger on broken glass. He claims that he is so helpful to me because he picks up my son, his step-son, every day after work and takes him to soccer (his idea) twice during the week. So when I try to take a stand if his sister makes unreasonable demands, I get myself in trouble cause he thinks I owe him. He is always keeping score, so if I have a complaint or criticism, he slams his trump cards down and claims I have no right to be mad about anything and that I am not grateful. Now he is telling his family how mad he is at me for not helping his sister out when she asked for help recently. She has barred me from her house indefinitely. (a blessing in disguise)

 

He is at her house now to spend the weekend and help her babysit (3 kids 5 and under) so she can go to a volleyball tournament tomorrow with her husband starting at 6:30 in the morning until at least suppertime. When she initially requested us to babysit, she said it would be from 8 a.m. until some indefinite time. I said no because this is asking too much of a working family, I thought. Two or three hours would be fine, but not 8 a.m. and all day long. I had agreed to babysit for her on Sunday, though, while they get some affairs in order for their mother, who has been hospitalized for three weeks with cirrhosis of the liver. But he committed himself to babysit on Saturday as well without my help. Since then, the plan has gotten even worse by her telling him to sleep over at her house on the Friday night, and then a few days after that she said she needs him to be up and ready to babysit at 6 a.m. I told him I wanted him to stay the night at home on Friday night (tonight) because we don't see each other much since his mother went into the hospital. He said okay but then his sister called him at work later that day and convinced him again to sleep over at her house on Friday instead, so that is what he is doing. It made me furious that he ditched our plan that he would stay home for some quality time. Like, who is in control here? His sister?!!! So I said if he was going to renig on spending time with me and our son according to our plan of only just that morning, I was renigging on babysitting for her on Sunday (all day). He did not tell me he was mad at me for this, and was rather unresponsive, saying he would call his dad and ask him to do it (but that would never fly). Instead, he told his dad and his sister all about how angry he was that I wouldn't help them (you know, after everything he does for me). His sister has announced that I am not welcome in their home for a long time.

 

So how bad is this???? Should I pack my stuff and leave? I love him, but I think his priorities are in the wrong place and this puts even more stress on our marriage, or what's left of it anyway.

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Curmudgeon

I'm HUGE on loyalty and putting your spouse and your marriage first. Badmouthing them to anyone, especially family you have to interact with, is absolutely verboten. It tells me his loyalties, as well as his priorities, are horribly skewed and I doubt very much that they'll get any better without some heavy-duty marital counseling, if even that.

 

He's tantamount to a "Momma's boy" in his relationship with his sister and the fact that he's willing to take her side over yours and, worse, run you down to her and accept her banishing you from her home says it all.

 

This is not a healthy relationship and he's not a well person when it comes to emotional maturity.

 

The ex used to pull this on me. It's a BIG one of the several reasons she's now the ex, and has been.

 

I have to ask, what's to love?

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4whatItsWorth

I am sorry to hear your opinion is not much of a matter in the eyes of your husband. Has it always been like this even before or did he become like that? Because if it was like this from the beginning...was it less of a bad situation back then?

 

Do you still feel you love him 100%? I agree with Curmugeddon...it sounds like he does not respect your opinion OR you when he goes and badmouthes you. HOWEVER, I do know that in times of frustration it is easy to tell parents or friends "he did this to me, he did that". Few occasions, depending on situation - it can be OK in my opinion. Like, if you were throwing chairs in his head every sunday evening - then that's ok to tell.

 

However, you haven't done anything wrong, and you seem to be a nice person who still does help out a lot. So in this case it is NOT ok for him to bash you behind your back. That is a coward's way to go, and show communication issues between the two of you. His opinion of you should be discussed with YOU before he goes around telling others...

 

I think you should sit down and think how long do you think you can survive in a relationship where your opinion and needs will be put second? I am not sure if you can ever change anybody's opinions when it comes to family and priorities...and if you stay you probably have to face always being second unless IC would work...

 

Best of luck - remember life is too short to live in misery

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pelagicsands
I'm HUGE

I knew it.

It's a BIG one

Now you're just getting us frustrated. Do people comment on it, or is this based on a medical opinion?

 

Anyway, communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. If you're not communicating effectively, then it will only lead to limp conclusions. One needs to keep the love flowing freely.

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Curmudgeon
I knew it.

 

Now you're just getting us frustrated. Do people comment on it, or is this based on a medical opinion?

 

I can only respond if you promise not to tell! :laugh: You KNOW how I FEEL ....umm .... about loyalty, that is. Yeah! That's it. ;)

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justpassingthrough
It made me furious that he ditched our plan that he would stay home for some quality time. Like, who is in control here? His sister?!!! So I said if he was going to renig on spending time with me and our son according to our plan of only just that morning, I was renigging on babysitting for her on Sunday (all day).

 

Okay, let me see if I have this straight.

 

You've been married less than a year to a guy who fathers your son from a previous relationship. Said husband also works oodles of hours.

 

So! His mother's in the hospital and life's even more topsy-turvy right now. In spite of (or because of?) this, he agrees to help his sister out - just as you did. But sister asking for an hour and a half more of his life pisses you off, and an additional eight or so makes you livid with both him and his sister and now the whole crew is in a jumble.

 

Is he just plain close to his family? There are families like that. They really do spend a lot of time together, and that includes helping each other out. Is that the type of family you married into?

 

And, because I'm curious, what is "quality time" in your household?

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Is he just plain close to his family? There are families like that. They really do spend a lot of time together, and that includes helping each other out. Is that the type of family you married into?

 

And, because I'm curious, what is "quality time" in your household?

 

Well, let's see. His sister has been to our house twice in two years so that she could drop off her oldest for us to babysit. Other than that, we are always driving to someone else's house (usually hers) to visit with family (his family). My family is far away, although my sister lives up the street, but he never suggests we drop in on her. He once suggested "I" drop in on her.

 

Also, as it pertains to a few hours and helping his sister, I feel she is taking advantage of him and that everyone could make better use of their time if she cancelled her volleyball tournament so that the entire weekend could be put to the imminent needs surrounding what they need to do for their mother. He cannot keep up with the demands being put on him as it is, and I hate to see him have to hussle around during the week when he can easily make better use of his time on the weekend. She is just thinking of herself. Like, a volleyball tournament does not take priority under these circumstances at all.

 

Maybe he is closer to his family than I think, but his mother is a relentless alcoholic and he hasn't spoken to her much in years other than at Christmas and other family socials. Recently, he found her in her home in a drunken stooper and took her to the hospital where she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. Now he feels guilty probably and wants to make it up to her for ignoring her all these years. I picked a bad time to come into his life, and maybe I need to leave him so that he can make amends with his mother and maintain his happiness with his sister.

 

But I asked him if he wanted me to leave because I am willing to pack up and go. He said "no, we're not there yet. Let's see how the next few months go."

 

I have always felt that he does not validate my feelings or care much about my opinion or wants and needs. It's all about him, but if I told him that he would be horrified. He does not recognize his behaviour as being selfish or crazy. He tells me to get professional help when I try to make him accountable, which gets me even more frustrated.

 

Should I stay or should I go? I am thinking carefully about what is in the future for us and if I can continue to love him with my heart and soul now that he has betrayed my trust and waged a war on me, basically.

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I look at the good in everyone. That's where I'm wrong I suppose. My husband has no family here and if he were to talk behind my back, it would be to his brother...and they speak French which I know not a word.

 

He speaks bad openly about my sister...whom I also dislike.

He speaks badly of my ex... whom *same as above*

Yet he can speak badly of his daughter in law, how she is so lacking in motherhood, yet when I agree with him adding comments of my own, he tells me he doesn't want to hear of it!

 

He knows my Mom is my everything. And of her regardless (she's in a nursing home) he adores her.

If there was one thing I don't like about my husband is his prejudice. Verbally, when speaking to me of an African American, he acts as if he's a slave owner.

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Ladyjane14

Sorry, I don't think it's "selfish" or "crazy" to want to help your family when they're in need. And I don't think a loving spouse should put their partner in the position of making that awful choice. Rather... I think a spouse should 'have your back' at all times. ;)

 

I'm with JustPassingThrough. I don't understand why you're having a problem supporting your husband while he takes care of some of his extended family obligations. It's not yours to decide if he's being "taken advantage of". It's his. All you can do is give him your opinion, and then support him in whatever choice he makes. The alternative leaves him feeling like some kind of 'Push-Me-Pull-You', and who wants to do that to someone they purport to love?

 

I wouldn't want to be unwelcomed in my sister-in-law's home. It would make my husband unhappy. In order to keep him out of the fray... I'd be willing to make adjustments.

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Curmudgeon
Sorry, I don't think it's "selfish" or "crazy" to want to help your family when they're in need. And I don't think a loving spouse should put their partner in the position of making that awful choice. Rather... I think a spouse should 'have your back' at all times. ;)

 

However, Jolene's opening question was this :

 

If your spouse is so mad at you that he confides his anger to his family members and portrays you badly, how bad is this on a scale of one to ten?

 

That's where I draw the line!

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Ladyjane14 "Sorry, I don't think it's "selfish" or "crazy" to want to help your family when they're in need. And I don't think a loving spouse should put their partner in the position of making that awful choice. Rather... I think a spouse should 'have your back' at all times

 

Precisely. When I say he has acted selfish and crazy, I refer to the fact that he did not even give me a hot clue that he was mad at me before he disgraced me to his family. He's probably been doing this for months. The signs are there. He can be a giant a-hole. I do not think he would agree to extend himself this way for my family if the need were there. Only three weeks ago he wouldn't even get me a bandaid when I cut my finger on a glass. It was a pretty deep cut. Afterwards, I said "what is wrong with you?" He ignored me and then said it wasn't that bad.

 

Also, his sister has waged war with other family members of theirs, so I don't feel special for being banned. If he is being taken advantage of by her, why should I agree tp every demand and get sucked into the abyss with him? I love him, but I would respect him more if he stood up to her. I thought I could be a voice of reason, but boy was I wrong.

 

And all I wanted was for him to at least acknowledge how much I do help him and how it is hard on everybody when there is a family crisis. But it's like he's emotionally retarded or something and can't muster up the courage to thank me when I agreed to help them initially in the first place. It's a lot to ask since we have a family of our own, and I would have his back for anything if I thought he really appreciated it and would return the favour. Apparently, he can't even get me a bandaid when I bleed. :eek:

 

I haven't spoken with him since yesterday. He went to his sister's yesterday. I am sure she is convincing him to divorce me and he will likely just do what she tells him to do. I do think he is a coward. A few months ago, he told me to get out of the kitchen because he was really hungry and needed to eat. I had just got home with my son and we were both hungry as well. I thought that was very cowardly as well.

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RecordProducer

Jolene, your situation kinda reminds me of my own with the difference that my husband doesn't speak bad about me and it's a twin brother, not a sitter. Also, he adores my kids and does a lot for them voluntarily.

 

But the moment of so-called "transference" - what Curmudgeon called "mamma's boy" syndrome with his sister - applies to my case, too.

 

I need to see how similar our cases are so I can tell you what works and what doesn't in both cases. I need to ask you some questions:

- how old are you both?

- how old is your son and how does your husband relate to him?

- do you both work and are you financially independent?

- how do you know he talked bad about you to his family?

 

Generally, there are a couple rules that apply in the case of co-dependence of family:

 

1. His biggest flaw will turn into your favor sooner or later. He is influenced by his sister today; tomorrow he will be influenced by YOU. The question is how to make it happen; refer to #2.

 

2. Don't do ANYTHING that will make you look bad. Let him see that all the sh*t comes from his sister. You be a saint! Be sweet to him, don't argue, don't even talk about his sister, unless you want to say that you like her hair or the joke she made. You won't see the results for a long, long time (or so it will seem to you), but things will be digested in his mind in your favor. Trust me on this! I've tried EVERYTHING with my husband. Arguments have only pushed us away from each other.

 

You're not welcome in his sister's house, but you welcome his sister and her three kids! Act like a victim if you want him to see you as one. You will save your nerves and your marriage. If you fight back and stand up for yourself, he won't be able to determine who's the bad guy and who's the good guy. He will say that you are both bad and don't get along.

 

Her goal is to show him that you're bad so don't give her the pleasure. It's actually not about the pleasure, it's about NOT giving helping her accomplish her mission. She wants you out of his life while the marriage is still new.

 

For a year I stayed sweet with his family while they were starting a lot of crap. I regret I gave hubby a hard time about everything. I should've played dumb and let him see that I am an angel and they are the devil. Finally I sensed a moment when I could start telling them off, but after that I would continue to be nice to them.

 

In my case, it was 4 adults and 2 teenagers who were against me (still are). Hubby ditched ALL of them. All, except one - his twin brother. But he fights a lot with his brother, we are about to buy a house 20-30 min away from here (now we live next door), because I want privacy from his brother. This is a big step for hubby who has always lived with or next door with his twin. I think he can't take the pressure either.

 

So the scenario is: let him see that his sister is bad by you controlling your temper and being good. When you've achieved this goal, you can start pissing his sister off so that she does something stupid. You think that his sister has control, but she doesn't - you have it in your hands. She is waiting for you to leave and you're not going anywhere. When you think about it, you hold all the power and she can do nothing. If you leave, you'll make her happy.

 

She will do anything to piss you off and lose it. Don't tell your husband to not baby-sit her kids. On the contrary, encourage him to do it then drive to her house with your child and make sure you forget your bracelet in her kitchen. ;)

 

I tried all these things and they worked, but I have a temper and I can't stick to my cold-headed great plans. I go crazy and screw up everything. Whenever I managed to stay calm and lead the game, I won. My husband used to go have coffee with his brother every single morning. I was never invited or welcome in his brother's house. Moreover, I moved to the US last year and have been all alone in this country. I begged, cried, screamed, argued my rights... no use. He didn't care about my feelings either. He said there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.

 

His brother would call every single morning at 7 AM and wake me up on weekends. I called him once and told him to stop calling early in the morning on weekends, that I wanted to spend time with my husband, etc. He continued to do it just to show me that I was garbage for him and my requests didn't count.

 

Fast forward to this day, hubby admitted that he tried his best when dealing with his family, but it was futile. I gave him credit for trying and for defending me (although he tried to present things to me as if they were all good and I was being paranoid). Now he doesn't jump to defend THEM in front of me and he realizes that THEY started the whole crap.

 

His father made up lies about me and I called him a liar. This was the end of the marriage for my husband. Well, we made out and he is not communicating with his father anymore. You have to let him see the difference between you and your sister and take one side. To you it's obvious that his sister has no right to interfere even if you were the worst in the world. But to him it's his loving sister and he can't make up his mind so easily. But he will. Trust me! Just don't give up and be calculated, not heated about this.

 

The nicer you are, the sooner your husband will turn toward you and the more pissed his sister will be. And you want her to be pissed, because that's when she does crap and falls low in his eyes. The day WILL come when he will choose one of you. Make sure he chooses YOU. She is working FOR you. Don't you work for HER, please. Piss her off with your actions. Go bring ice cream for all the kids in her house while she's away. You will be an angel in your hubby's eyes and she'll go ballistic when she finds out. She was stupid enough to forbid you to come to her house. For heaven's sake, use her stupidity in your favor. The more often you show up there as if you're sweet and naive and trying to work things out and don't take things so heavily, the more often she will have to repeat that you're not welcome there, the more often she will look bad, the more crazy she will go as she sees that she has no control, that you're winning.

 

Don't be the idiot that I was. I've done 50% of the things right and 50% wrong. I know what works, what doesn't. Losing it leads to disaster. Being wicked and clever gets you there on time. ;)

 

Now I want to know this: what happened that she announced that you're not welcome in her home? Is she married? Is she older or younger than your husband? How have you behaved so far? Have you argued a lot because of her?

 

 

I have always felt that he does not validate my feelings or care much about my opinion or wants and needs. It's all about him, but if I told him that he would be horrified. He does not recognize his behavior as being selfish or crazy. He tells me to get professional help when I try to make him accountable, which gets me even more frustrated.
I felt that this was the case with my husband also, but it's not entirely true. Men just have a great talent to hide their real thoughts and feelings and avoid productive communication, when being productive means they have to change something about themselves. Besides, this is about siblings they love and have trusted their whole lives; it's not so easy to say "Yes, dear you're right, my sister is a bitch."

 

Should I stay or should I go? I am thinking carefully about what is in the future for us and if I can continue to love him with my heart and soul now that he has betrayed my trust and waged a war on me, basically.
Yes, this is how I felt (and still feel). You WILL resolve the situation with his sister if you're determined to do so, if you do it in a smart way, and if you love him and he loves you. But what will be left after the war might surprise you. All this is happeneing for a reason; there is something in his personality that prevents him from being a great husband. And even when the sister is out of the picture, this feature in his personality will still be there. However as years go by, you will be closer and closer to each other. You might laugh at these problems in ten years.

 

You shouldn't leave because of the sister. If she weren't a problem at all, do you have enough reasons to stay? If yes, then stay. You WILL resolve the sister issue, believe me. You only have to want it really badly. It might be worth it. ;)

 

If there was one thing I don't like about my husband is his prejudice. Verbally, when speaking to me of an African American, he acts as if he's a slave owner.
Do you mean he is a racist? But you're not black, right?
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Ladyjane14
However, Jolene's opening question was this :

"If your spouse is so mad at you that he confides his anger to his family members and portrays you badly, how bad is this on a scale of one to ten?"

 

Good point, Curm. In that case, if the scale were:

1 = Not So Bad and 10 = Pack His Sh*t... I'd put it at about a 3 as his error and at about an 9 on 'the need to repair emotional intimacy'.

 

My husband is a pretty good guy. So if he feels like he has to talk to other people instead of me... I'm going to have to wonder why and then deal with what I find that's impeding our closeness.

 

I don't get between him and his family or between him and his friends. Ever. And to be honest... I don't allow him to get between me and mine. When things go wrong, I look at what he's been doing and what I've been doing, and I don't take anything else but that into account. Everything else is neither here nor there, because if we're good... nothing else is going to get in the way anyhow.

 

From my perspective, if other people can get between you, and if they're able to do so just doing their thing and not particularly going out of their way to sabotage you... the relationship itself is already a little bit wobbly. There's a deficit.

 

Same thing with the band-aid. I'd be asking myself why he wouldn't WANT to help me with my injury. Chances are, there's either some resentment going on, or maybe he legitimately felt like Jolene could handle it herself. I think something like that depends a bit on your personality. Heck, if I need help with an injury, what I REALLY need is an ambulance. :eek:

But on the flipside of the coin, my husband needs a little bit of TLC for even the smallest nick or cut. It's an EN for him, so he sees it as proof of my love.

 

My best advice to Jolene is to think about the relationship as a whole and what deficits there could be in your communications with one another, and then to weigh carefully if this is deal-breaking behavior or not. You said you love him. If you do... maybe the thing to do is to talk about it from the standpoint of emotional needs... ie. What makes you each feel loved and supported by the other?

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Ladyjane14

Good post, RP. We play the game smart... not hard. ;)

 

And when people get in our way, we give them enough rope to hang themselves!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

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RecordProducer
Good post, RP. We play the game smart... not hard. ;)

 

And when people get in our way, we give them enough rope to hang themselves!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Thanks, LJ. Yes, that would be the golden rule. Look at politicians, they play everything cool until they hold all the cards in their hands. What hurts us is the injustice and the fact that we ought to play games. Just because they love their siblings doesn't mean they should let them get away with hurting their loving wives. I've told my husband a million times that his brother is not doing wrong to ME, he is doing wrong to his own twin brother (my husband), because he wants to break us up and he wants hubby to be miserable. Now how do you make your spouse see what you see? By showing that nothing bad comes from your side. Only then he will see sooner or later that the sibling is mean and intentionally causing trouble. But you need to prove your honesty in order to keep your credits. This is part of what you, LJ, call strength from within the relationship. My whole case was based on the fact that every time I told my husband "I didn't do/say/know it!" - he knew I was telling the truth.

 

If a relationship is based on mutual love, trust and honesty, innocence and just attitudes, things will fall into the right place at one point. Any storm can shake any relationship; no love is immune to venomous arrows that come from in-laws, other men or women, financial problems, sex problems, etc. But if you don't give up and keep working on your happiness in a productive way, you will re-build what others have demolished. That inner strength of the relationship is like an insurance company for your house. Hurricanes can destroy your house many times, but your insurance will pay for its re-building every time. But you have to pay the insurance premium on a regular basis; that is to cherish your love every day. If you always meet your spouse with a smile and a kiss, if you take good care of them when they're sick, if you worry about their health and what they ate, if you support them in their personal decisions and dreams, if you trust them and believe in them, if you praise their qualities and make them feel good about themselves... no one can stand in between and make them give up what they have with you. If I were smart enough to follow my own advice all the time, many of our troubles would've been avoided. :)

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- how old are you both?

 

I am 37 and my husband is 40 and he never lived c/l or was married before, but I have been married before. He did not have many long relationships before me. A few, but nothing longer than 2 years.

 

- how old is your son and how does your husband relate to him?

 

My son is 8 and my husband is very good with him, sometimes demanding, but very supportive. Although I am tired of hearing about how my husband is "helping" me with my son. I thought since we are married it is a shared responsibility. Also, my son's biological father skipped the scene as soon as I got pregnant. This father/son relationship is very important to my son. I know that my son would be willing to accept emotional abuse in order to keep this new "dad" in his life.

 

- do you both work and are you financially independent?

 

My husband has a very steady job and makes about $70K Canadian. I am a legal secretary and make $52K, but I have had a few jobs due to excessive overtime demands from previous employers. His family did not like that I quit a few jobs to find a better deal. I am not financially independent because when I tried to suggest putting some of my paycheck into a separate account of my own, my husband nearly had a heart attack. He wants all my money in our joint account.

 

- how do you know he talked bad about you to his family?

 

I know he talked badly about me to his family because he told me so yesterday. I asked him if he was mad at me (he did not call me at work that day which is strange), and he said he was quite disappointed. He began to tell me how he earlier had called his dad to see if the dad would babysit since I renigged, and the dad said he could not but why did I renig? My husband told me that he then told his dad that a bunch of things that made it look like a was being completely selfish and whimsical for refusing to babysit and that he was angry as heck. He then said he called his sister and told her the same thing, which brings me to the triggering event....So he called his sister and told her that I backed out of babysitting for her on Sunday while they are supposed to get their mother's furniture moved. (The sister is married, by the way, but she treats her husband badly even though it is his family's money that has allowed her to live as well as she does). Anyway, when she found out that I had backed out, I assume she yelled and swore and freaked out and the way my husband put it "Corrie (his sister) and I talked about it and we decided that even if you change your mind about babysitting on Sunday, she thinks it would be a good idea if you just don't come over....for a long time."

 

I told him it was unfair if he were angry that he would go to these extremes without talking to me first. I told him that if he had asked me and told me that I was the only option and that his dad could not babysit his own grandchildren, I would have done it for him in the end. But I feel as though they did not give me that chance. Technically, she should stay home and take care of her children on Sunday and let the men go and do the heavy lifting they need to. It wasn't as if she was going to actually help lift the sofa or anything. And she already spent Saturday away from her kids to play volleyball while her mother is in the hospital with pneumonia....Like, if packing and moving furniture for their mother is such an important task (and it is), don't you think she would have cancelled the Saturday volleyball tournament/babysitting deal with my husband so that they could get more accomplished on both Saturday AND Sunday on what really matters?

 

He has not spoken to me now for longer than 24 hours. It appears he is sleeping over at her house tonight as well, only he has not called to let me know. He has the cellphone, and I know he will say I could have called if I wanted to know what he was doing, but I don't want to call him because I think he will just be mean to me some more and I can do without it. He should have at least called to say goodnight to my son. That hurts me alot. It makes me feel as though I made a mistake by trusting this man to be emotionally responsible with my son, the most precious thing in my life.

 

The advice you give me is good if the relationship is salvageable. I will have to read it over and over again. I don't feel like being very nice to him at the moment, I have to admit. I am on the vergeof leaving him. I can go live with my sister for awhile. However, judging by his attitude, I have to wonder if he is just going to throw in the towel very soon anyway because he is so attached to his sister and he has created this drama knowingly because he does not want to deal with his obligations involved with having a family of his own. Maybe he made a mistake marrying me because he did not realize that once you have a family of your own, the others take a backseat - not the other way around. I think he could easily go back to being single and that he does not care if he hurts me or my son emotionally by rejecting us. But I have learned to wear a thick skin, so I am still here believing that some day he will "get it". I am starting to believe I am extremely naive. What gives? According to your plan, I would have to be nicer to him than I really feel like I can be when I think of what he is doing to me right now. How can I forgive him for this, especially if he is never sorry. He rarely apologizes for anything.

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RecordProducer
Although I am tired of hearing about how my husband is "helping" me with my son. I thought since we are married it is a shared responsibility.
He thinks you don't appreciate his effort. Don't feel like he owes you to share the responsibility with you. He could have not married a woman with a child. Please be grateful that he is playing a good dad to your son. My twins are also 8 years old. Kids are not easy in that age. Show hima nd tell him how much you value all he's doing for you. If you son loves your husband, give him some credit for his effort. Does he call him "dad"?

 

Also, my son's biological father skipped the scene as soon as I got pregnant. This father/son relationship is very important to my son. I know that my son would be willing to accept emotional abuse in order to keep this new "dad" in his life.
What emotional abuse are you talking about? Can you describe the relationship between your sona nd your husband? I am asking because if he is really a good dad then he is definitely worth tryting to save the marriage.

 

I

am a legal secretary and make $52K
I would call that financially independent since you can support yourself and your son on your own.

He wants all my money in our joint account.
Why? What about his money?

 

He began to tell me how he earlier had called his dad to see if the dad would babysit since I renigged,
So he tried to listen to you and not go to her house. He complained to his dad and sister, because he is weak and needs approval. And he needs the approval from someone strong and stable. And you haven't been too stable, because you showed that little things like this can get you off track completely. You show stability by not reacting much to things that happen around you. He is a sissy and he needs someone stronger than himself to guide him.

 

He has not spoken to me now for longer than 24 hours. It appears he is sleeping over at her house tonight as well, only he has not called to let me know. He has the cellphone, and I know he will say I could have called if I wanted to know what he was doing, but I don't want to call him because I think he will just be mean to me some more and I can do without it. He should have at least called to say goodnight to my son. That hurts me alot. It makes me feel as though I made a mistake by trusting this man to be emotionally responsible with my son, the most precious thing in my life.
Ok, stop focusing on how much he hurt you. He is hurt himself, I bet you that. Don't contact him; he will come back tomorrow. He is being an angry child right now, giving you the emotional blackmail. He is used to being a doormat for his sister and then you showed up and ruined the perfect balance in his life. Let him get used to the new situation. When he comes home, act cold and as if you don't care if you never reconciled. Do your own thing, don't offer him to eat,don't talk to him. If you can, leave the house. Let HIM initiate the reconciliation.

 

My husband used to give me silent treatments for a few days until I let him know that HE should break the silence if he loves it so much. He would come home on day 3 or not speaking to me and I'd turn my head away without saying hi; the message was "I don't intend to have anything to do with you." I've noticed that the strategies that he was using with me, worked with him. His brother used to do the same thing and would announce to his wife that he wouldn't speak to her for 4 days, for example. And once she told him "And I am not going to speak to you for 8 days!" :D

 

The advice you give me is good if the relationship is salvageable. I will have to read it over and over again.
You shouldn't read it over and over again, you should understand the concept of what works in a marriage with a person like your husband. You have to establish security for him so that he starts trusting YOU instead of his sister. You have to show that you're agood wife worth keeping. Forget his siter, she is not important at all, although you think she is. Just focus on your marriage. This was the very first advice I got from an experienced man (the LS member Moose) and I didn't listen to him. Don't be the fool I was!

 

I don't feel like being very nice to him at the moment, I have to admit.

... and you certainly don't sound more clever than I was! :laugh: I know it's difficult, but it's like cleaning a wound: you'll have to clean it sooner or later and by postponing the pain, you're just letting more bacteria on it. Whatever you do, be calm, mature, stable, and cold-ice self-confident with him. He needs to start to fear you, but not because you're scary and crazy, but because he's genuinely afraid of your judgment, because you've shown that you're strong.

 

I am on the vergeof leaving him. I can go live with my sister for awhile. However, judging by his attitude, I have to wonder if he is just going to throw in the towel very soon anyway because he is so attached to his sister and he has created this drama knowingly because he does not want to deal with his obligations involved with having a family of his own. Maybe he made a mistake marrying me because he did not realize that once you have a family of your own, the others take a backseat - not the other way around. I think he could easily go back to being single and that he does not care if he hurts me or my son emotionally by rejecting us. But I have learned to wear a thick skin, so I am still here believing that some day he will "get it". I am starting to believe I am extremely naive. What gives? According to your plan, I would have to be nicer to him than I really feel like I can be when I think of what he is doing to me right now. How can I forgive him for this, especially if he is never sorry. He rarely apologizes for anything.
You're talking about him as if he is some reasonable creature capable of comprehending things like this. :laugh: In your mind his sister is bigger than a mountain, but she is really just a petty, creepy-crawly creature that doesn't know what to do with her life so she's on your case. My in-laws are the same; they neglect their own children, but they don't forget to gossip about me. All this is so meaningless.

 

I spent months and months arguing and proving that I was right. And I proved it, but the war wiped out many soldiers that we had better used for something productive - to build our love stronger. Don't make my mistakes, Jolene. Focus on improving the marriage and the sister will be out of the picture before you know it. It will come naturally. The more you show how much Corrie pisses you off the more your husband sees that she has control over your feelings which makes you weak and her stronger in his eyes.

 

When I fought to have coffee with my husband, he kept runing away from me, because he in fact liked to see me fighting for him. But when I told him to go fly with his friend, he wanted to fly with me. Every time I told him "Sure, go fly, no problem" it bothered him that I didn't go with him. Several times he told me he'd spend a whole day flying somewhere with some friends and asked me if it was OK with me; I said "Absolutely!" Well, guess what: he never went. Next time when the sister asks him to baby-sit over night (she will, because now she knows it bothers you, cuz you opened your cards), just tell him "No problem, I'll go out with Jennifer and her co-worker Paul on Saturday evening and on Sunday I'll go shopping for underwear with my sister. You don't have to come before 8 PM. Oh, and i won't cook dinner, eat at Corrie's, OK?"

 

By the way, is this all that bothers you? This one instance of baby-sitting or is there more? Stop focusing on all these details, who said what, why and how... re-read your posts and you'll see how ridiculous and meaningless all this is. I went through the same sh*t and much worse and now regret I EVER even paid attention to any of it. Shouldda kept my head up high and spit on them from above with a smile. ;)

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Yes, my son calls him "dad" ever since we got married. Emotional abuses have been prevalent but not blatant to a child. Like, my husband said he doesn't want my son to call him "daddy" because that makes my son look like a baby and we shouldn't molly-cottle him. My son wanted to call him "daddy", but my husband could not stand that (for some reason?). Also another example is that my husband says my son has too many toys and so I am not to buy him any spontaneous gifts of toys. Furthermore, if we are on vacation or out on a weekend trip (those were the days), he often suggests we go into a department store, find the toy section and browse through it, but not buy a toy for my son who is seeing things and asking if he can have even just a small toy. I don't believe in instant gratification, but we should give in here and there. My son is a good boy and people tell me this often.

 

My husband has a good relationship with my son, but my son early on noticed that my husband can be very bossy and demanding. My son and I both just go with the flow instead of resisting. It is the worst when we are packing or unpacking to go on a trip, so I hate travelling anywhere.

 

My husband's money has always been used for mortgage, hydro, food and his pension/rrsp contributions. He has a good retirement plan. My paychecks were transferred to his account and we put my name on it when I moved in last year. We just set up an education savings for my son in February and an RRSP for me with a $100 monthly contribution. My husband contributes $200 a month to his own.

 

There is a long history in my opinion with regard to his putting his sister and his dad in priority to my son. I never win the argument, so I know where I stand. The first time was after we had been together for one year, knew we would be getting married, and my husband said he wasn't coming with us on Halloween. Instead, he went to his sister's house to be with her and her kids. I was floored, seeing as he was about to be the dad to my child and yet his behaviour was contradicting his intentions. He gave me a bunch of crappy excuses like, "Steven (my son) doesn't want to hang around his parents anymore anyway...let him go with his friends and don't be a helicopter parent...my sister's kids are really young and that makes more sense to have adults around." This year, he stayed home and handed out treats. But I thought for sure he was going to go to his sister's again.

 

Another bone of contention with regard to his sister is that ever since she started having kids, my husband gives her a $100 cheque for each child (she has 3) for each birthday and at Christmas, he hands her a cheque for $300. We are not rich, but his sister is pretty well off because she married well. She takes his money even though I finally last month suggested to her that we can't afford it. She is moving into an $800,000 home in November. We have fought over this for a year or so and he will not budge. He claims that the money is for the kids' education savings, and he has no problem making out the cheques in the name of his sister. I lose this argument, so it is dead.

 

Also, my husband took my son to a boy scout camping weekend, and because his father called a few days beforehand and asked for help with something around his house, my husband left my son at the boyscout camp for an entire day so that he could go to his dad's. He returned to the boyscout camp in time to clean up after dinner and go to bed. They came home the next day...I argued about the priority factor, but lost that argument as well...he said we shouldn't be helicopter parents and to give my son some breathing room is good for him.

 

It was this weekend that another boyscout camping trip came along, but at the time of the notice for it, he had already committed to babysitting for his sister so that she could go to a volleyball tournament. This was one whole month ago, and he could have asked her to try to make alternate arrangements (this was before his mother got sick, too), but instead he said let Steven go up with another family.

 

So you see, I worry that he will not be there for us when we need him either.

 

More recently, I think I have a doozey on my hands. Yesterday, I sent his dad an email to defend my side of the story a bit. Was about three paragraphs. He responded with "do not send us email like this, we will not respond"

 

You wanna bet my husband won't know what to do with himself on that one. I will not be surprised if he puts divorce on the table as soon as he gets home. It is very scary for me to deal with this as I have put my life in his hands and I do not feel secure and that I can trust him to take good care of us and not throw us away when things don't go his way. I am afraid for the immediate future, but not for the long-term. I know I will be okay if I have to leave, I just don't want to get bounced out of my own home. I also do not want to be abused and made to leave that way, either.

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Ladyjane14

I went back and read through a few of your previous posts, and it seems to me that you are BOTH too bossy with one another. He's forty, right?.. and this is his first marriage? :confused:

He's bound to be set in his ways with preconceived ideas of what 'family life' entails.

 

Meanwhile, you seem to be very insecure in the relationship. The biggest problems seem to occur when he's not offering you enough reassurance of your importance to him. You took an almost instant dislike to his sister, (and I'm not discounting that you might have had your reasons for it)... but couldn't it be also that she exacerbates your insecurities?

 

His family members have been with him all his life. You've been with him for just a few years. It appears there was some dysfunction in his family. It's possible that he may have a history of emotional reliance upon his sister as they faced their family's dysfunction. You are NOT going to be successful in breaking up that dynamic, and frankly, I just don't understand why you'd want to. It's better to add to your partner's life experience rather than subtract from it. More loving support is better than less, right?

 

What is it that you think she's taking away from you? She's not his wife. She's not his lover. You are. ;)

 

I think maybe the problem lies not only in the communications issues, but also in your overall insecurities regarding the marriage. You've not set boundaries on some of the things that were REALLY bothering you. Instead, you're attacking these molehills like they were mountains.

 

The bigger issues seem to be his control of YOUR money and YOUR son. In my household, all the money goes into the same pot, and that works well for us. But I get the feeling that it's not really working for YOU. :confused:

And this business about your husband dictating how many toys your son can have or what you can buy for him... I get the feeling that you're troubled by that too.

 

But these things, which appear to legitimately trouble you are NOT things you've set boundaries upon. You know, there's nothing wrong with you setting limits in regard to your son. That's YOUR child. And if you want to be "the buck stops here" influence, you have an absolute right to do that. I think it's terrific to take a step-parent's ideas into consideration. But not if you feel that it's too often at your child's expense.

 

And there's nothing wrong with keeping separate accounts. Lots of married couples do just that. There's no right, or wrong way to approach these financial decisions. It's all about what works best for you and your family.

 

I think maybe your best bet at this point is to go back to the drawing board together, and outline what you are both really comfortable with in terms of marital obligations. If you can get some of these big-ticket items out of the way, the ones which are making you feel ineffectual in the relationship.. I think these small-ticket items will settle themselves without too much trouble.

 

I do think you should apologize to him about this blow-up you had regarding the baby-sitting gig at his sister's house. You should probably offer an apology to her as well. Just to be candid with you, I think you made a bit of a cake of yourself over it. And my guess is that it's because you are generally insecure in the marriage.

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justpassingthrough
That's where I draw the line!

 

I agree that couples should not engage in blatant meanness about their partner. I'm with you, on the same page.

 

However, we do not know exactly what happened. Our information is third hand?

 

Jolene, you got mad at your husband, no? You told him because you were mad at him you were not going to babysit for his sister, no? I really think you went about it the wrong way.

 

I believe your mistake was not taking the issue right to his sister yourself. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. What's done is done and time to move on.

 

Frankly, Jolene, I've read through your thoughts on other threads, and here's what I see: Newly Married and Scared ****less Syndrome.

 

Some say it's the first year, others say it's the first two years. Either way, the new marriage can be quite a rough patch. Blending families makes it even more of a challenge. These particular circumstances are more complicated because you have a child you brought into the marriage and your husband brought his entire family. How to make that all work is gonna be tough.

 

Honey, his mother's alcoholism is killing her. Children of alcoholics cope differently than other people. That's how they get through the day. Your husband clearly has a tight bond with his sister. Your job is to figure out how to either accept they are each other's support system and let them do it, or you can become the one your husband goes to for whatever he needs that he's not getting from you.

 

If you haven't experienced the death of a parent, not only are you blessed but you don't understand what it's like. Losing my parents brought me to my knees and I'm grateful I was single because I would not have been a good partner at the time - and probably not for a good while afterward. I feel for you. I really do.

 

Your husband has a home at his sister's as well. That's a habit he needs to kick.

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If you haven't experienced the death of a parent, not only are you blessed but you don't understand what it's like. Losing my parents brought me to my knees and I'm grateful I was single because I would not have been a good partner at the time - and probably not for a good while afterward. I feel for you. I really do.

 

Your husband has a home at his sister's as well. That's a habit he needs to kick.

 

Yes. I believe his mother may die soon. She is incontinent now for over a month and cannot walk for very long or very far.

 

If my husband is going to be hostile for an indefinite period of time and blame me for his fear and guilt, especially now that his family is not part of my fanclub, I wonder if I should give him the break he needs and move out...separation. I don't want a divorce, but I am getting worn down with all of the arguments and disagreements, wars, misunderstandings and the stress of it all. If the only way to see things around here is "his" way, then I will always be wrong and I will never live this down, never, in his eyes. And believe me, he is no pic-nic when he has an axe to grind. It is a relentless emotional starvation on top of every day emotional distance. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes home tonight and wants a divorce or if he just stays at her house for awhile. I wish I knew what he is going to do, and I dread him coming home.

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4whatItsWorth

Jolene, correct me if I am wrong but it does sound almost like you already have your mind made up. RC gave you some excellent advice, coming from her own experiences in the same field...but I feel like you honestly want out.

 

I can understand you have only the best in mind for your son, which is great. But unless you stop feeling like "the divorce is inevitable" or like "Why should I be nice to my husband when I just want to justify my emotional needs in this", I think things will only go downhill from here.

 

His mother is dying, he is not going to be a happy person. Perhaps he feels like his sister is the only one who could truly understand him in this - she is too losing a mother. Doesn't matter if they never spoke...it's still his mother and she is drifting away. He probably wished he'd done a lot of things different atm.

 

Perhaps you should push your issues away for a while, and just show support 110%? If he sees how much you care for him, then perhaps he will realise you are not his enemy - but his partner - in this?

 

Just a thought.

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Yes. This is what I have decided to do after reading all the advice here.

 

He came home last night and I kept the advice in mind. Everything will be okay with us, I think. I had that discussion with him about how I am acting initially in his best interests and for several reasons things got out of control and I regret that.

 

However, he now says that he knows if he brings me around his family over the next few months, someone will confront me, and it will turn into an ugly scene, and then he will not want to defend me and then I will cry and he'll drive me home. He knows I am not loud and dramatic, which speaks to the mentality of the family members he is worried about their reactions. Probably, he really embellished his anger to everyone, which I do not appreciate, but I guess they’re all he’s got, as he does not confide in any friends (not that close with friends).

 

I responded to this with "you have to stand behind your wife at some point even just a little if you want the war to be over with regard to your family and this one situation". MY family would never disrespect ME by confronting MY spouse no matter what the circumstances. I know it for a fact. I think his family is inconsiderate and wacky if they would be evil enough to confront me at a family function (especially where my son is in attendance).

 

So I said I will wait until the dust has settled completely before I tag along. But what kind of husband will treat his wife in this way when I explained that my issues were mainly to protect him from being run into the ground when he still has a long journey ahead. It is hard for me to watch him being driven to the ground and I was only trying to gain some down time for him by putting my foot down. I reassured him I will not impose my opinions or cancel commitments ever again but that he must not fuel the fire by induling his family when he is mad at me and has not told me.

 

Anyway, yes he's going to have a hard time over the next little while. So, can't his family give him a break and get over this molehill and just control themselves??? Like, if someone says something to me at a family function, I would just roll my eyes and ignore it, but I would expect my husband to step in, but he will not. This makes me very sad. I told him he knows me better than to yell and scream and go into dramatics. But if this is the way he says his family will confront me, how can he not see that they are obviously out of control and he needs to step in.

 

I am not giving up on the marriage, but I think he might. Our first major fight after we got married made him put divorce on the table. Then he wised up and admitted it was not grounds for divorce by anyone’s standards. But now I am prepared....but scared, emotionally! Because I love him.

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It just occurred to me that my husband might be telling me to stay away from family functions so that he can bide time. He might have told his entire family that he's just divorcing me because he's so "let down". This way, he can get legal advice and put all his ducks in a row before he drops the bomb on me. It's a scary thing to think about since I am prepared to see him through all of this neglect and all of his bad behaviour for the sake of a family crisis and keeping my marriage.

 

Anyway, guess I'll have to be brave and put on my selfless hat once and for all. I see that my opinion doesn't amount to much on a good day, never mind in the middle of a family crisis. Instead of doing, I think I'll be an observer for awhile and just be there if and when he falls. I'll show him that I can at least take care of him when he IS home.

 

As far as his family being abnoxious with me, does anyone have any advice for that. Apparently, if my husband isn't just biding time with it and it is true that they are going to prey upon me if I show up...what kind of coping strategies can anyone suggest for meddling in-laws and a husband that is indifferent because he cannot forgive?????? Or would that be an entirely new post? lol:cool:

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justpassingthrough

Both of you keep divorce on the table as if it's an option that should be within arm's reach.

 

Stop that.

 

I see a little bit of "tit-for-tat," "he-did-this-so-I'm-justified-to-do-that." Stop that, too.

 

You can't predict what his next action or reaction will be. I honestly don't believe you know him well enough to know what he will or will not do. Spending your time and energy dwelling on something you cannot do anything about takes your time and energy away from something else, something that would be constructive.

 

You can both either learn a lot from what's just happened and head toward a happier, stronger marriage or you can keep telling each other you can indeed imagine life without your partner until you talk yourselves into a divorce. That's easier to do than you think.

 

But this is my biggest concern. Why are you so scared he'll leave you? And when did you start to feel afraid he might because that fear was there before he ever said the word "divorce." Would you care to talk about that?

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