Disagreements - is middle ground a fallacy?

[SydneyHeart]

So I've had this discussion with my hubby a hundred times now and I just want to know what you all think.

 

You have an issue. Let's say it's about whose house to spend a holiday at.

 

You think it should be A) your parents, partner thinks it should be B) his sisters.

 

You are both 100% for one and against the other. You both have good reasons for your choice.

 

How do you go about dealing with that?

 

Do you:

a) discuss and discuss and share perspectives until you can find a mutual agreement you can both live with, even if it means talking about it for a week?

b) agree to disagree. One person gets what they want, the other 'gives in'

c) argue about it until the day of and then go nowhere because you cant agree

d) don't even talk about it at all - hope that some other 'magic' factor will step in and solve the issue for you

e) Dont talk about it. Go to Uncle Dick's house instead and then act like your partner got what they wanted because you didnt get what you wanted

 

If you havent guessed, Im all about A. Hubby is all about every other option he can think of to avoid a discussion about it. He says its black and white and noone is going to change their mind, so whats the point even talking about it? His solution? Ignore it, totally, so nothing ever gets resolved.

 

Am I being too idealistic? Are there some MAJOR issues where you just have to have a winner and loser? Can discussion, even if it takes a long time ever achieve an actual mutual reasolution? We have not managed a single one yet.

 

Very interested to hear about major disagreemnts you have had and how you resolved them. I'm talking - what country to live in, how many children to have, what to watch on Thursday nights

 

Thanks guys

[Trialbyfire]

In my previous marriage we had a situation just like your example of where to celebrate Christmas. I think it took 5 minutes of discussion, we agreed to alternate locations per year and then flipped a coin for the first year. Worked out fine for the duration of the marriage.

 

No children, barely watch TV, so no recommendations.

[Woggle]

Since I want to be nowhere near my family where to spend Christmas is not an issue though having my in-laws all the way on the other side of the country does create problems.

 

We have more than one tv so if we differ on which shows to watch we both go and do our own thing. As far as children go we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

[lindya]

I think a bullish person who occupies the "my way or no way" ground needs to be given negotiating responsibility, because basically they're taking a lazy approach in which they don't have to do any thinking. Their reasoning is that if they just dig their heels in and refuse to shift, everything will somehow come good and go their way...or if it doesn't, they can play out a martyr role.

 

My most major relationship disagreement involved whether or not to have an open relationship. My view was 100% no, his was "if you want things to work out between us, this is what it will take." So as I did really want to be with him, I considered it very carefully, and the answer was still emphatically no - and we broke up.

 

When it comes to negotiating anything, the person who cares less about the outcome is always going to be more powerful because they've less at stake to lose. If you're in the less powerful position in that particular dynamic, it's time to either walk away - or accept a lifetime of compromising everything for someone who will compromise very little (if anything at all) for you.

 

It doesn't sound like that's the situation with you. It seems to me that your husband is just a bit stuck. He can't imagine what alternatives there might be other than b, c, d and e. For me, in this situation, the obvious alternative f would be "you go to your sister's, I'll go to my parents', and that way we'll both get to spend the holiday with our own people - though not, admittedly, with eachother. That forces discussion of whether it's more important to spend the holiday together (whether that's at the sister's or the parents').

 

If you agree that being together for the holiday is the most important thing, then you have successfully established some common ground - and in any negotiation, that's what you must first do. If being together proves to not be the most important thing, then perhaps separate holidays might be in order - but a decision like that is likely to raise a whole load of other problems.

 

Personally I'm with you in that I think parents should really take priority over siblings in a matter such as this...but evidently that's not a view your husband shares. Good luck with getting it sorted out.

[Ripples]

Really good advice there, Lindya. Excellent idea about making the person less likely to compromise responsible for the negotiation, that's so clever, as is the finding common ground first. Sounds obvious now you've said it, but not things I've ever considered before

[luvstarved]

Hey Syd,

 

I agree with what lindya said too. Unfortunately, the model my H and I have tended to follow is:

 

if he has an opinion, he wins.

if he does not have an opinion, I win.

[Trialbyfire]

I also agree that lindya has some excellent points.

 

Overall though, why must marriage or any relationship be a battle over domination and control? Is it worth fighting to the death over things which, on the scale of things, don't really matter?

 

Why is it that a taker will take until the other person has no more to give? Can people not see how much damage they do? Can they not understand that constantly shoving someone's boundaries can result in these death struggles?

[SydneyHeart]

Thanks for sharing.

 

Perhaps it was a mistake for me to use an example of something we actually never have had an argument about (yet!) I just thought I might be more objective that way.

 

We have had an argument over where in the world to live (we are from 2 different countries) we have argued over whether the dvd recorder was on or not, we have argued over whether corporal punishment is acceptable or not, we have argued over whether or not we could afford to spend $1000 to go visit a sick relative of mine, we have argued over whether we were done with 2 kids or we wanted one more. These are all topics where he has said if we don't agree, we don't agree and NO amount of talking will change that and talking about it adinfinitum means I am just ignoring the fact that he doesnt WANT to talk about it.

 

We have never talked about any one of those topics for more than maybe 10 hours total in the space of 2 years, and if we do talk, it's because i bring it up. (Not the dvd, I don't keep bringing that one up!)

 

So I think our only option is to talk it over, and he doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I'm no angel, I know, but he doesn't like talking to ANYONE - I mean its not just because I am a ratbag or something that he wont talk with me.

 

He's the guy who will see my address Xmas card and say "He moved" and I will say "Bob moved? How come? Did he sell his house? Wasn't he so happy there? When was that?" And he will say "I dunno. I didnt ask him"

[Trialbyfire]

He's the guy who will see my address Xmas card and say "He moved" and I will say "Bob moved? How come? Did he sell his house? Wasn't he so happy there? When was that?" And he will say "I dunno. I didnt ask him"

I won't comment on the rest but this is a guy thing to do. Many of them honestly don't care about detail. I don't think he's doing this deliberately.

[LulaMae]

I would suggest counseling for conflict resolution (assuming he would agree to go), or I'm also reading "Getting the Love You Want" which is highly recommended. I think not talking can lead to lots of resentment. Communication is key.

 

My fiance and I negotiate trade-offs based on prioritizing the level of importance with respect to a particular issue. The person who has prioritized it higher usually wins whereas the other gets something "in return". In your case, maybe holidays with his sisters this year and a valentines day weekend to your place of choice. Then go to your parents the following year... etc... Harder to do with where to live, but maybe the person who has prioritized higher (and with good reasons for prioritizing so high) wins out on this issue but you can agree to more trips to visit the other location, etc. There has to be some sort of "win-win" even if manufactured by both of you. Good luck!