Lost Love, No Intimacy, Sexless Marriage

[lizcm]

Hello, I'm new to the forum. I found the site by doing a google search and am glad I did. Some of the posts and replies are very good. I'm not really sure where to begin so I guess I'll start with background info and go from there. I'm hopeful someone will listen and reply.

 

I've been married to my husband since October 2003. We were together for 2 years prior to the marriage. He has 3 children from 2 prior relationships. I have 2 children from a prior marriage. I am 38 and he's 45. This is his 2nd marriage and my 3rd.

 

My 1st marriage was to the father of my children and my high school sweetheart. We were both 17 at the time we got married, but it was after I had our son. The marriage lasted about 6 years. Took me 6 years to recover from the divorce and finally venture into a 2nd relationship which led to marriage and divorce within 6 years also. I mention the fact that both marriages lasted 6 years because my current marriage is in it's 4th year but if you count the 2 years prior that totals 6 years and friends and family seem to think there's something odd about that. Like maybe after 6 years is all I can commit to a relationship. I don't know if that's true or not, but it does seem to be a possibility or a coincidence, I'm not sure which.

 

All of my relationships have been rocky. I was hoping with my current husband that since we were somewhat older and more experienced with relatinoships that we would have a better chance at making it.

 

He's not physically abusive, he doesn't drink, he's not unfaithful and he says he loves me. His words mean little because his actions speak louder. He's spent most of the relationship draining my bank account, allowing me to work multiple jobs or incredibly long hours (I've been working 17 hour days for over 3 years now), I pay every bill that comes into our home, I purchased a truck but he uses it to go to his job everyday so I'm left with nothing to drive. I work from home so I don't really 'need' the vehicle every day but I certainly feel trapped here by not having it and when I need to run errands I have to ask family to take me which then opens another can of worms because they know I own that truck, make the payment monthly and the insurance. I buy all the food, clothing, etc. Basically pay every living expense we have......all utilities, insurance, taxes, etc. He uses his check to pay his child support, put gas in the truck to go to and from his job and for his lunch every day. He contributes nothing to our family financially unless my check (I'm paid monthly) is a few days late and then if he has to buy food or pay a bill he considers it a loan and asks me to pay him back when my check does come. His check usually doesn't hold him over through the week so I'm also giving him extra money for gas, lunch, whatever he's spending it on........but either way, I pick up the slack if he needs money for something.

 

I know the things above should be my main concern and believe me, I am concerned about it and I'm exhausted from working like this and I feel used, manipulated, and most days like he's sucked the life out of me but this is background info, not my main issue, even though it's my opinion that these could be major contributing factors to my issue.

 

I feel no intimacy. I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I do not like him to hug me, kiss me or really even touch me. I will not speak to him about anything but superficial conversation such as the weather, the news, general topics. Nothing deep, nothing about feelings or emotions.

 

I've spent nearly 2 years trying to tell him how his lack of financial contribution to the family is making me unhappy and stressed. He has no solution, offers no support, just says that's life, basically.

 

I did learn early on in the marriage that everything I was saying to him that was about my feelings or emotions or even just 'couple talk' about other people in our lives or the children would not be kept just between the 2 of us. He tells his friends, he tells his family and he tells whoever it was that I made the comment about exactly what I said and sometimes expands what I said so it sounds worse than what was originally said. So I've lost the trust I had in him and have withdrawn into myself. Keeping all feelings, emotions and thoughts inside.

 

Somewhere along the way I also lost my sex drive. Before we were married we had sex regularly and by that I mean daily and sometimes as much as 3 -5 times a day. No more. In the last 2 - 3 years that has gradually dwindled to maybe once every 4 months and in all honesty it wasn't because I 'wanted' him, it was because he was so persistent, so demanding, so degrading that I gave in. He'd say just lay there for 5 minutes. I'll make it short and sweet and you can go on about your business. Over time that's gotten to be unbearable. I feel like a depository for his lust. I haven't had sex with him since sometime late last year and I don't think I'm going to change my mind about it. I don't want to have sex with him at all, not now, not ever again.

 

I think that the loss of trust has led to a loss in intimacy which led to a loss in sexual desire which has now led to a loss of love. I do not think I'm in love with him anymore. I am considering a legal seperation. I would consider divorce but I only believe in that when adultery has been committed and he's not committed adultery and neither have I (my other 2 husbands did commit adultery and that's why I filed for divorce).

 

I'm just at my whits end here. I had a hysterectomy several years ago and that diminished the sex drive but it didn't completely obliterate it. He doesn't satisfy me and after awhile you get to the point where you don't want to try, you don't want to have sex at all. He's not once in the whole time we've been together been able to give me an orgasm and I think it's all a waste of time.

 

I feel like he just uses me to get 'off'. It's not that he hasn't tried to give me an orgasm in all this time but my body doesn't respond like it should for HIM. I'm not interested in 'viagra for women' as he keeps suggesting. I'm not interested in just doing it to please him so he can get a release and feel better. I'm not intersted in games, toys, gels, any of that. It's not for me. I am interested in sex but not with him. I'm also not seeing anyone else, I don't have any male friends, nothing like that. I can masturbate and please myself in a few short minutes so I know it's not that my body WON'T do it, it just won't do it for him.

 

Any suggestions or thoughts?

[JackJack]

Any suggestions or thoughts?

 

Well first off, let me say whew what a load you are carrying on your shoulders!

 

Sounds like basically you are in this marriage pretty much by yourself.

 

This is my advice to you. If you really want this to work and feel its possible he does, then I would suggest marriage cousenling for you both.

 

If you are tired of trying and think its not even worth it, and/or he is not willing to work on the marriage or got to counseling, then maybe its time to call it quits.

 

What did you mean by you would give into him sex wise if he degraded you? How would he degrade you? By telling you to just lie there for 5 minutes? Because yes, that is wrong.

[lizcm]

Degrading in that he made me feel like less of a woman, less of a person, less of a wife. Suggested my purpose in the marriage was to provide for all his needs regardless of how I felt, it took away self-esteem, made me feel I was cheating him by not just doing it whether I wanted to or not, he feels contempt toward me if I refuse, he brings the Bible into it.......I don't know if 'degrading' is the right word but it seemed to be at the time.

[Lizzie60]

you have waaayy more patience that I do my dear...

 

He's not physically abusive, he doesn't drink, he's not unfaithful and he says he loves me. His words mean little because his actions speak louder. He's spent most of the relationship draining my bank account, allowing me to work multiple jobs or incredibly long hours (I've been working 17 hour days for over 3 years now), I pay every bill that comes into our home, I purchased a truck but he uses it to go to his job everyday so I'm left with nothing to drive. I work from home so I don't really 'need' the vehicle every day but I certainly feel trapped here by not having it and when I need to run errands I have to ask family to take me which then opens another can of worms because they know I own that truck, make the payment monthly and the insurance. I buy all the food, clothing, etc. Basically pay every living expense we have......all utilities, insurance, taxes, etc. He uses his check to pay his child support, put gas in the truck to go to and from his job and for his lunch every day. He contributes nothing to our family financially unless my check (I'm paid monthly) is a few days late and then if he has to buy food or pay a bill he considers it a loan and asks me to pay him back when my check does come. His check usually doesn't hold him over through the week so I'm also giving him extra money for gas, lunch, whatever he's spending it on........but either way, I pick up the slack if he needs money for something.

 

Ouf...just reading your post and I'm exhausted... He doesn't have to be physically abusive to be an abusive husband.. because he IS! He is kinda 'laughing at you' he's got it easy....

 

And you are abused because you let him abuse you. You would be way better financially without him. He is a selfish jerk and has absolutely no respect for you!

 

 

 

[PandorasBox]

Degrading in that he made me feel like less of a woman, less of a person, less of a wife. Suggested my purpose in the marriage was to provide for all his needs regardless of how I felt, it took away self-esteem, made me feel I was cheating him by not just doing it whether I wanted to or not, he feels contempt toward me if I refuse, he brings the Bible into it.......I don't know if 'degrading' is the right word but it seemed to be at the time.

 

 

He needs help. I agree with JackJack, maybe you both need marriage counseling or to end it. The whole thing kind of comes across as he treats you like some kind of slave. He is very controling.

[lizcm]

I spent 6 years in counseling after my first divorce so I understand that this is an emotionally abusive relationship but when I try to tell him that there is such a thing as 'emotional' abuse he says by me not having sex with him and asking for a seperation period that I'M the one that's EMOTIONALLY abusing him! How crazy is that. A few weeks ago I started packing some of my things and planned to go to my mom's for a few days and he threatened that if I didn't put everything back that I'd packed that he would call the police and have me arrested for 'disrupting' the household (like that would have happened). He says if I don't 'straighten' up he's going to call the local mental health hospital to have me admitted against my will for evaluation and that during that time he is certain I'd change my mind and decide to stay in the marriage and have sex whenever he wanted. I know these are 'crazy' thoughts and sayings on his part but it just adds one more strain to the relationship.

[JackJack]

I spent 6 years in counseling after my first divorce so I understand that this is an emotionally abusive relationship but when I try to tell him that there is such a thing as 'emotional' abuse he says by me not having sex with him and asking for a seperation period that I'M the one that's EMOTIONALLY abusing him! How crazy is that. A few weeks ago I started packing some of my things and planned to go to my mom's for a few days and he threatened that if I didn't put everything back that I'd packed that he would call the police and have me arrested for 'disrupting' the household (like that would have happened). He says if I don't 'straighten' up he's going to call the local mental health hospital to have me admitted against my will for evaluation and that during that time he is certain I'd change my mind and decide to stay in the marriage and have sex whenever he wanted. I know these are 'crazy' thoughts and sayings on his part but it just adds one more strain to the relationship.

 

OMG this is just awful. You need to get out of this situation and fast. If you have too, when he is not around print out what you are telling us here, possibly you could use that as some kind of proof of what you have said he said to you? I'm not sure if that would work, but might be worth a shot.

[Lady Aurora]

lizcm dear,

 

You have gone through a lot. I am scared to say I recognize the tone in your post. You need to get out of this relationship. It is not healthy for you. What do you need this man in your life for? It sounds like he is not adding anything into the relationship. You could do better on your own.

 

Be strong. You are worth more than this.

 

Aura

[lizcm]

Thanks for the input from everyone and especially JackJack. I really needed to vent, really needed some advice and what each of you have said has been helpful in confirming within myself that my thoughts about this marriage are valid. I think we're past counseling as a couple but I do think I will get some counseling for myself as I contemplate this seperation. Thanks again and I'll keep checking for any additional posts.