Remember me? I'm in a mess.

[AManWithTroubles]

I'm not even sure exactly where to post this, so I'll just post it here. This thread contains a bit of everything.

 

Quick recap: last year, my wife (of now 11 years) told me that she doesn't love me; I thought she was having an affair, but it was probably just an emotional affair, if that; we went through counseling, against her wishes; finally, we agree to work it out; we have a little vacation together, she screams at me about looking at her

 

Ok, fast forward to now. I had an affair, but that's not even the problem. I'm completely done with that and am not even in contact anymore. The affair did make me feel really good about myself, the sex at least. Sex with my wife is plain and boring, it's always me initiating, and she does as little as possible to help, and seems to be in that "are you finished yet" mood the whole time. With this woman, we could go on forever, and she would tell me about how I've done things to her that no other man ever has or could. I have to admit, I felt like I was 18 again, with my stamina and whatnot.

 

But back to the point, it's not even happening anymore, but it was a woman who was in her own bad relationship, so it was fun for the two of us, but we have our own lives to get back to, so it was easy to leave. Although, later on, she told me that she was really upset that I could forget about her that easily. Well, I never really had any feelings for the woman, just enough horniness to have wild crazy sex with her.

 

Now I am bored with my wife. It's hard to explain, I love her, but not in a way of where I want to be with her at all. To be honest, if I made enough money to support her and my kids, I would leave. Even without the money, I tried to tell her that I don't feel anything between us anymore. She cries and makes me feel sorry for her. She won't let me leave. I feel bad trying to tell her that I'm not feeling this marriage anymore. Maybe I was hurt one too many times from last year. I don't know.

 

But this is not me, I'm not a cheater. I'm still amazed that I did that, but now I am really feeling a crush on a woman I work with. I don't even know if she looks at me the same way, but we are quite the friends. I want to run off with her, seriously. She has her own man she's working on, so it's not like she's pursuing me, but I just want her so bad, for some reason. The funny thing is, she somewhat reminds me of my own wife, just a little younger version. When I leave work, I find myself wanting to be with her still, even though I know it's not an option.

 

Back to my life with my wife... Obviously, I am done with the marriage. Otherwise, why would I even look outside the marriage? I mean, I have always looked at other women, but that's about it. Now I am wanting to pursue a relationship, someone I can maybe get along with better. Someone to start fresh with, someone to try and not make the same mistakes with that would lead to another failed marriage. But I can't leave my wife, I can't afford it, and my wife makes me feel bad when I try to tell her that it's seriously over.

 

Why couldn't I just let it end last year when she wanted it that way? We grew apart. It's over. But now I'm stuck, every day, going home to her and going to work, and doing family things. I will never feel that "electricity" ever again with another woman. It makes me sad and angry that I will not be able to kiss a woman who wants me to kiss her.

 

And before you go on about working on the marriage, I did. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of "pity sex". It leaves a sickening feeling with me afterwards. I don't even feel happy with myself. I'm tired of the woman who doesn't want me to kiss her, who moves from my kisses. I'm tired of her yelling at me about every little thing, and throwing my kids in my face when work gets in the way of helping her with something. But I still care about my wife, and I don't want to see her turn in to the divorced woman stuck with 3 kids. And I love my kids more than anything, which also helps me to keep this charade of a marriage going.

 

Sorry about the long post, but I have so much to rant on and on about. Please don't think of me as a bad guy, because I don't mean harm upon anyone. I feel stuck.

[Woggle]

It seems that the tables have turned in your marriage. I don't know what to but it is funny how that happened.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of "pity sex". It leaves a sickening feeling with me afterwards. I don't even feel happy with myself. I'm tired of the woman who doesn't want me to kiss her, who moves from my kisses. I'm tired of her yelling at me about every little thing, and throwing my kids in my face when work gets in the way of helping her with something. But I still care about my wife, and I don't want to see her turn in to the divorced woman stuck with 3 kids.

Huge contradictions in your post, including the quoted part above. Until you sort out your own feelings, you'll get nowhere dealing with hers. This is a very critical time - you'll make decisions here that will have huge effects on the lives of everyone - you, your wife and your kids. I'd suggested some IC just to get a handle on everything you're dealing with. Good luck - I have a feeling you're going to need it

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

Unbelievable!!!!

 

I absolutely cannot believe you came in here whining about the emotional disconnect in your marriage... and then EXPOSED your wife to potential STDs behind her back.

 

I told you myself MANY times that her EMOTIONAL NEEDS had been left wanting. And on Page 2 of your first thread you told me "I don't have time..."

 

You've keylogged her PC. You've been heavily involved in PORN. And you expect us to believe that YOU are the victim. You tell us you love your kids, but you've been unresponsive and even DESTRUCTIVE to their family dynamic.

 

I feel sorry for your wife. I remember the email you posted from her to a friend and even in a later post, I pointed out to you that she was SEARCHING outside the marriage because she'd been left unfulfilled. But YOUR focus was on her PMS.

 

Guess what, buddy? .... For some women, when you take your sexual interest outside the relationship, they know it intuitively. They KNOW, even without being told that they are nothing more than 'a means to an end'. When you reduce a woman to a collection of body parts used for your sexual gratification, you lose THE WOMAN inside.

 

My sympathy for you is at an end. Do your wife and your kids a FAVOR... and let them find happiness with someone who is NOT as self-serving as you are. And tell your wife the TRUTH about your infidelity. That way she can get tested for STDs and leave the baggage behind her where it BELONGS regarding which one of you destroyed the marriage.

 

Telling her the truth is the only DECENT thing you can do at this point. And she DESERVES to know what's been going on, if for no other reason than the fact that she's been putting up with your sorry self for more than a decade.

 

Pfaw!!!

 

:mad:

[AManWithTroubles]

Aren't we all a little self-serving? We all want something out of our relationships. We want something from our jobs. Don't give me that bull. We obviously don't match up, is all. She noticed it first, and now I do. But we have kids and a mortgage together, so it's not so easy to split up.

[whichwayisup]

If you want out, get out. And, if your wife makes you feel sorry for her and begs you to stay, then you tell her it's back to marriage counselling and time to focus on eachothers needs to make things better or it's goodbye. Ofcourse it isn't easy to split up, but if you continue down the path you're on, a split up WILL happen eventually.

 

Why not come clean and tell your wife how you feel, and about your past affair and the recent crush you're having now. Maybe you both can agree to an open marriage - Atleast this way you're not cheating on eachother and staying miserable in a marriage that you say is more or less over.

[Jeffrey]

Time for you to decide what you want and move with it. All you're doing is sitting in limbo (keeping your wife there too) and waiting for something to happen, or someone to decide for you.

 

If you want out, get out. If you want a successful marriage, start acting like it and work at it.

[Topper]

Get your ducks in a row get advice from a good lawyer. Your marriage is over. You and your wife need to find people that will help you find some sort of happiness. The kids will survive. Your unhappy she is unhappy move on.

[AManWithTroubles]

... All you're doing is sitting in limbo (keeping your wife there too) and waiting for something to happen, or someone to decide for you...

Thank you. This is what I'm looking for.

 

I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, nor was I before. I am just looking for answers.

 

Jeffrey hit the nail on the head. It's like I'm waiting for someone to give me directions on how to move on to the next step. I'm waiting for someone to take me away. I never purposefully sought out other women's attention before. I didn't change on purpose, it just is how it is now.

 

I just can't figure out what to do about all this. I think she can find someone who is more like her, just like she said last year in that email, that she finally found someone that gets her. I suppose I don't get her, why she's so cynical, and loves it and admits it. I just can not convince her that she was right about it before, and I have come to terms with that. I suppose she is afraid to be alone, and I feel bad for doing what I do, that's why I'm trying to tell her it's over ... Then she cries. Damn, I'm an a**hole, I know that.

[Ladyjane14]

I am just looking for answers.

 

If that's the truth then get yourself some therapy for your controlling behavior and your obvious narcissistic character traits. You treated that woman like a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT. You couldn't stand it when she was the one who had emotionally withdrawn from the relationship, so you REELED her back in to placate your ego. I can't imagine why you'd do that unless you had some kind of emotional issue. It certainly turns out that it wasn't about HER, doesn't it?

 

You haven't "just grown apart". You neglected her needs and prioritized YOUR sexual agenda ahead of the emotional intimacy in the marriage.

 

Here's the skinny... When a woman is just laying under you like a dead thing waiting for you to "get it over with", there's a REASON for that. It's because she is unfulfilled either emotionally, sexually, or both.

 

When medical issues are ruled out, the most likely suspects are as follows:

 

1. You're not getting the job done, know-what-I-mean.

 

2. She has a misguided notion in her head that sexual contact is just a utility for you.

 

3. She's completely right... and sexual contact IS just a utility for you.

 

I haven't forgotten another post of yours where you stated that 'you always look at other women'. It's no wonder that she's picked up on the idea that women are just assorted collections of various and sundry body parts, apparently put there by God for your personal amusement.

I think you've proved her right in whatever assumptions she had, don't you?

 

And please don't bother handing me back the old, tired... "aren't we all a little self-serving" defense. The one who's serving himself here is you, not her. YOU.

 

If you're a big enough man to do it, at least be a big enough man to OWN it without trying to include us "ALL" in your personal choice to cheat.

[sunshinegirl]

To be blunt, there is a real "hapless victim" vibe to your story. As though all your actions are out of your control -- because of things your wife did or didn't do, because it just happened that you fell into bed with one woman and now it's just happened that you've stumbled onto finding chemistry with another woman. And hence this statement:

 

But this is not me, I'm not a cheater.

 

No. To be clear: you are a cheater. You have already cheated on your wife once, and you are contemplating doing it again. You had choices at every step along the way to stop what was unfolding, to walk away, to walk back toward your marriage, or to end your marriage. And you did neither. Once again: you are a cheater. And you need to face that squarely.

 

Please stop denying and rationalizing it, please start recognizing and owning your contributions to what has gone wrong in your marriage. And then please make a clear decision to either stay and work on your marriage, or to divorce your wife.

[lovely01]

i agree with sunshinegirl.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Guess what, buddy? .... For some women, when you take your sexual interest outside the relationship, they know it intuitively. They KNOW, even without being told that they are nothing more than 'a means to an end'. When you reduce a woman to a collection of body parts used for your sexual gratification, you lose THE WOMAN inside.

 

I completely agree, it's too bad more MM don't realize this.

 

What you call pity sex IMWT, I call expected sex. Expected sex leaves out desire and replaces it with the knowledge are expectation that it will happen. That will always be crappy sex, and it has nothing to do iwth the act or potential of those involved. For women foreplay starts way before you touch her, you have to know that to have attracted an A partner. She knew SHE was desired and THAT was the catalyst, my guess is that desire doesn't exist in your M and you will never have anything more than expected or pity sex with your wife. A pity too, because she's as capable of passionate sex just like your A partner under the same circumstances but just not with a man who no longers desires HER but just expects sex.