Husband not dealing with an issue with our daughter

[Mustang Sally]

Ok, I have been trying to think how to handle this situation. With both H and daughter (who is 5th grade, FYI).

 

The other night, daughter was on the computer (our family computer network is down right now, so everyone is using the "main" computer - which is also H's computer) and all of a sudden she gets up from the screen abruptly and comes into the next room (comp is in adjacent room off of family rm, with open walkway between so we can monitor kids usage better) to me and says, "Mom, I'm so MAD at dad! He is disgusting!"

 

Needless to say, I was shocked at hearing this and so I asked what was wrong. She brought me into the comp room so other sibs wouldn't hear her and told me that she had been trying to change the screen saver on the comp to surprise her father, by putting up pics of her and the other kids (you know, a slideshow thing) and the comp program defaulted to a slide show of all the pics in his "my pictures" folder. All of a sudden porn pics start flashing on the screen!

 

Now, maybe this would be funny to some of you, but I sure didn't think so. I have always tried to have a fairly open mind about porn, and understand the "men are visual" thing, etc. But I didn't even realize he had that kind of collection on his computer! And the file was not even password protected! WTF???? He KNOWS the kids get on his computer! What kind of dumba$$.....

 

Anyway, I didn't know how to respond to daughter OR H (who was at work at the time). I called him up and told him he was a pig (in a fit of rage that I was having to deal with this at bedtime for the four kids....with him conveniently at work....) and a bunch of other not-nice stuff. Then I told D that she should talk to her father about it.

 

The thing is, H and I occasionally enjoy porn together, and I have no problem with this. He also uses some of it "by himself" from time to time (I don't know how often, maybe more often that I thought....) and again, I am ok with that AS LONG AS it doesn't replace our relationship OR affect the kids. Is that crazy of me?

 

I hate to start another porn thread, and the purpose of this is NOT to debate whether porn is ok or not. Seriously. We have worked through this (or so I thought) in our M.

 

But I obviously don't want our daughter (or other kids) to have exposure to that business at this point. And I have worked and am working to try to help them develop healthy attitudes towards sexuality - I don't want to foster an attitude of repression OR promiscuity. I want them to respect their bodies and feelings and the bodies and feelings of their future partners.

 

I told him he needed to address this with her, but he had all day yesterday to do so, and he hasn't said a word to her about it. Not sure what I should do now. Something? Nothing?

[quankanne]

unfortunately you cannot lead a horse to drink when he's not thirsty ... same with men confronting issues. Maybe it's best that you gently, but firmly remind him that he needs to resolve the issue with your daughter before it gets worse, and then don't bring it up because it is between the two of them.

 

meanwhile, since he didn't have the forethought to do it, put a password protect on the computer to limit the kind of access the kids have, that way your privacy is protected and they don't "stumble" onto anything they don't need to have access to.

[hotgurl]

Wow that is horrible and I feel for you.

 

To have your child exposured to porn in 5th grade she is what 10 or 11. My daughter is 11 and thinks nude statues are gross.

 

And porn is so graphic now a days too.

 

I would talk to husband and discuss what he is going to say to the daughter,

and have a discussion with him about how he store the porn and if he can't store it proper;y so the kids don't stumble onto it he has to get rid of it.

 

I would be fumming mad at him!

[Touche]

Wow, I too have a 5th grader..a son. And I'd be just as outraged.

 

Here's how I think it should be handled. I don't agree that it should just be between your H and your D. You two need to present a UNITED front on this. You don't want her alienated from her father.

 

I'm curious as to what your reaction was when your D said she was mad at your H and that he's "disgusting". This concerns me more than the fact that she saw some porn (although that's bad too.) What did you say to her?

 

You should BOTH sit down with her and just apologize to her. Tell her that was not something she was supposed to see and it was supposed to be private. Tell her that there's nothing really wrong with adults looking at pictures like that and reassure her that you two love each other. You don't owe her any explanations beyond that. You don't need to get defensive. She needs to see that YOU, mom aren't mad at your H. Because if she's seeing anger on your part towards her dad, THAT, IMO will cause more harm to her psyche than seeing the porn.

 

So that's why I'm very curious as to how you handled it when she told you and what exactly your reaction was.

 

But yes, you need to sit down with her TOGETHER. This should have already been done though. Does she still seem upset? Has she brought it up again?

[JackJack]

Talk with him and communicate how important this is to you. Not just you, but the family as a whole. His porn useage, especailly now that the kids know, effects the family not just one person.

 

He is a grown man, and I'm not saying he can't have porn pics if that is his choice, but he needs to do something better with them. If he doesn't address the issue with his kids, then he is openly saying to you and your kids, you're not important enough to me, and I don't have enough respect for you, to deal with this. It may be partly he is embarrassed, but that just goes along with being an adult and putting the embarraassment aside to be able to deal with the issues at hand.

[Mustang Sally]

Don't worry, I changed the PW on the comp immediately, so NO ONE could access it until he moved/protected/deleted/whatever the files.

 

I was p*ssed, so I changed the PW to "f*ckyou." He had to call me to ask what the PW was, when he got home, so I said "f*ck you." Childish, I know, but made me feel better.

 

I don't want to be his nagging wife/mother, so I haven't said much about the whole thing except to ask if he has talked to her about it. He said no.

 

I would be happy to suggest things he could say, but frankly, it p*sses me off that I would have to do this. For crissakes, can't he MAN-UP and be the grown up for ONCE? And, I completely agree, this is really HIS issue with her. Not MINE.

[whichwayisup]

I was p*ssed, so I changed the PW to "f*ckyou."

 

Now that is funny!

 

Look, you're not a naggy wife or anything like that...The porn has to be hidden and his account password protected to PROTECT the kids...This is just common sense and he should understand that.

 

He probably is too embarressed now to talk to her about it and is doing the typical 'do nothing and it will go away on it's own' thing...Well, that's not good enough, he's the father, he's gotta step up to the plate and make things right again.

[Missy27]

Try and make it seem a little less like daddy's sordid and dark secret. If you are both occasionally into porn then it's not fair to let your H take 100% of the wrapp for this. He is a bit of an idiot for not password protecting the files, but I don't necessarily think that it should be put accross as something that is dirty and shameful.

 

If no-one has said anything to your D for a day or so then she's going to start to make up her own mind about what she saw, which could be more detremental than actually sitting down and explaining it to her.

 

I would suggest sitting down together (you, your D and your H) and discussing it. At the end of the day, its a natural thing so it shouldn't be treated as something foreign. Your D is gonna find out about sex and porn soon enough, you might just have to have the talk a little bit earlier than originally planned Try and lighten it up a bit so that your daughter comes away knowing the facts but also not thinking that "daddy is disgusting"

[Touche]

Don't worry, I changed the PW on the comp immediately, so NO ONE could access it until he moved/protected/deleted/whatever the files.

 

I was p*ssed, so I changed the PW to "f*ckyou." He had to call me to ask what the PW was, when he got home, so I said "f*ck you." Childish, I know, but made me feel better.

 

I don't want to be his nagging wife/mother, so I haven't said much about the whole thing except to ask if he has talked to her about it. He said no.

 

I would be happy to suggest things he could say, but frankly, it p*sses me off that I would have to do this. For crissakes, can't he MAN-UP and be the grown up for ONCE? And, I completely agree, this is really HIS issue with her. Not MINE.

 

 

LOL, that was funny about the password, MS! Sounds like something I would do:laugh:

 

But again this is not just his issue with her. I really don't agree. By not presenting a united front you are sending a subtle message to her. Not a good one. Did you express disapproval of your husband's actions in front of her? I hope not. And I would have punished her for calling her dad "disgusting."

 

If you're really all about teaching your kids positive things about sex and you want to be open then do it. Talk to her TOGETHER. Walk the walk here.

 

This is an important time in a girl's life concerning stuff like this. Don't let her think that her dad is a pig...and that all men are pigs. That's why YOU need to be a part of this. She has to see that you're ok with this but that it was NOT ok for her to see it.

[Touche]

Try and make it seem a little less like daddy's sordid and dark secret. If you are both occasionally into porn then it's not fair to let your H take 100% of the wrapp for this. He is a bit of an idiot for not password protecting the files, but I don't necessarily think that it should be put accross as something that is dirty and shameful.

 

If no-one has said anything to your D for a day or so then she's going to start to make up her own mind about what she saw, which could be more detremental than actually sitting down and explaining it to her.

 

I would suggest sitting down together (you, your D and your H) and discussing it. At the end of the day, its a natural thing so it shouldn't be treated as something foreign. Your D is gonna find out about sex and porn soon enough, you might just have to have the talk a little bit earlier than originally planned Try and lighten it up a bit so that your daughter comes away knowing the facts but also not thinking that "daddy is disgusting"

 

 

Very well said, Missy. That's exactly what I was saying. I fear that Mom may have left her with a bad message here. I'm sure she didn't mean to though. That's why I was very interested in her reaction when the D told her. Her reaction is very important. She looks to her mother for "cues" in these matters. So the proper reaction is paramount.

 

And even if her reaction wasn't the ideal one, it can still be remedied if they sit down together.

[Art_Critic]

If you're really all about teaching your kids positive things about sex and you want to be open then do it. Talk to her TOGETHER. Walk the walk here.

 

This is an important time in a girl's life concerning stuff like this. Don't let her think that her dad is a pig...and that all men are pigs. That's why YOU need to be a part of this. She has to see that you're ok with this but that it was NOT ok for her to see it.

 

I totally agree with Touche here...

 

On a side note.. your husband should have shown more responsibility.. in a household with children for him to have had porn on the computer for his children to access is way out of line..

 

He should've put them in folders other than "my pictures folder".. They could've just hit that folder looking for snaps of the last vacation..

[Mustang Sally]

You two need to present a UNITED front on this. You don't want her alienated from her father.

I agree, I just am sick and tired of feeling like I'm the one who has to do all the parenting...

 

I'm curious as to what your reaction was when your D said she was mad at your H and that he's "disgusting". This concerns me more than the fact that she saw some porn (although that's bad too.) What did you say to her?

Well, I didn't want to say anything bad about him to her, and I didn't want to make her think that sex is bad and/or shameful, so I just said that she saw some "grownup" stuff of daddy's and she should talk to him about it. I also told her she could talk to me about it, but she didn't want to.

 

Here's some more of why this situation p*sses me off. About a year ago, she got on the net and surfed for porn, herself. She had no idea what she was doing, or what kind of pandora's box she could be opening up, she just started googling terms she had heard the older boys saying on the bus. I totally believe the episode to be one of innocent childhood sexual curiosity that was just played out in a potentially dangerous way - kids don't realize the danger of the wide open internet, and we should have been policing things better.

 

Needless to say, I had a HUGE talk with her about sex and the dangers of the internet and that it is ok to have curiosity about things - that it is normal and nothing wrong with her, but that there are things out there that she doesn't need to be worrying about until she's older and ready and that she can ask me or dad about anything....etc. I think it went really well, because she does ask me about things and talks to me about her feelings, etc.

 

My H kind of blew up about the whole thing, and "shamed" her at first. Not cool with me! He realized that was inappropriate and made amends with her. Of course, we have been more pro-active about parental controls, etc. after that (geez, we are so f*cking stupid as parents sometimes....we have made every mistake in the book with that sweet kid...)

 

 

You should BOTH sit down with her and just apologize to her. Tell her that was not something she was supposed to see and it was supposed to be private. Tell her that there's nothing really wrong with adults looking at pictures like that and reassure her that you two love each other. You don't owe her any explanations beyond that.

Great suggestion.

She needs to see that YOU, mom aren't mad at your H. Because if she's seeing anger on your part towards her dad, THAT, IMO will cause more harm to her psyche than seeing the porn.

I completely agree. That is why I did not say anything bad about it or him to her. She is not aware of the phone call I made to H or what I have said to him about it.

 

Does she still seem upset? Has she brought it up again?

Actually, she doesn't seem upset. Or like it is bothering her at all. But I tend to think that this kind of experience gets "filed away" in a kids brain and might crop up later (in life) to unduly influence things, maybe in a negative way.

 

Thanks for your input, Touche. Really. Such wise voices of reason here on LS when I am not thinking clearly...

[JadeStar]

I agree, I just am sick and tired of feeling like I'm the one who has to do all the parenting...

 

 

Sounds like the issue goes a little deeper then.

 

Have you all tried cousneling for parenting tips? Maybe it will help him learn how to be a little more open as far as comunication goes with not just her, but you and others as well. All the parenting skills shouldn't just fall onto your shoulders.

He needs to learn to take responsibilty for not only his actions but in how to deal with issues when brought up.

[Mustang Sally]

Try and make it seem a little less like daddy's sordid and dark secret. If you are both occasionally into porn then it's not fair to let your H take 100% of the wrapp for this. He is a bit of an idiot for not password protecting the files, but I don't necessarily think that it should be put accross as something that is dirty and shameful.

You know, I hear what you are saying, but I've got to admit - and I'm not proud of this - that when I found this stuff, and it was stuff that I HAD NO IDEA he had, I was hacked off at him. Big time.

 

Here's why. The files had been downloaded a while ago, when we were going through a dry spell, so to speak, sexually and emotionally in our M. So I have to be honest and say, for all the "porn is ok - let the boys be boys" rhetoric I have given in the past, I was very HURT to have discovered that he had done this unbeknownst to me, and at a time when he was NOT getting his "release" from me and thus I felt that it had been used in a way that we had NOT previously agreed on. Then I felt like crap that I was feeling mad at him about porn because of all the "a man's got to do what a man's got to do" stuff that I TRY to subscribe to. So I had a massive bout of cognitive dissonance about what a HYPOCRITE that I had to face that I am!

 

And all this when things between us were starting to improve a bit....

 

It just gets deeper and deeper....

[Touche]

I agree, I just am sick and tired of feeling like I'm the one who has to do all the parenting...

 

Well, I didn't want to say anything bad about him to her, and I didn't want to make her think that sex is bad and/or shameful, so I just said that she saw some "grownup" stuff of daddy's and she should talk to him about it. I also told her she could talk to me about it, but she didn't want to.

 

Here's some more of why this situation p*sses me off. About a year ago, she got on the net and surfed for porn, herself. She had no idea what she was doing, or what kind of pandora's box she could be opening up, she just started googling terms she had heard the older boys saying on the bus. I totally believe the episode to be one of innocent childhood sexual curiosity that was just played out in a potentially dangerous way - kids don't realize the danger of the wide open internet, and we should have been policing things better.

 

Needless to say, I had a HUGE talk with her about sex and the dangers of the internet and that it is ok to have curiosity about things - that it is normal and nothing wrong with her, but that there are things out there that she doesn't need to be worrying about until she's older and ready and that she can ask me or dad about anything....etc. I think it went really well, because she does ask me about things and talks to me about her feelings, etc.

 

My H kind of blew up about the whole thing, and "shamed" her at first. Not cool with me! He realized that was inappropriate and made amends with her. Of course, we have been more pro-active about parental controls, etc. after that (geez, we are so f*cking stupid as parents sometimes....we have made every mistake in the book with that sweet kid...)

 

You sound like a wonderful mother, actually. Who doesn't make mistakes with their kids? Afterall they don't come with manuals! She'll be ok.

 

 

 

Great suggestion.

I completely agree. That is why I did not say anything bad about it or him to her. She is not aware of the phone call I made to H or what I have said to him about it.

 

That's great. Sounds like you handled that part very well. So there won't be too much damage here to undo.

 

Actually, she doesn't seem upset. Or like it is bothering her at all. But I tend to think that this kind of experience gets "filed away" in a kids brain and might crop up later (in life) to unduly influence things, maybe in a negative way.

 

Yes, I totally agree with that. That's why you really should sit down together.

 

Thanks for your input, Touche. Really. Such wise voices of reason here on LS when I am not thinking clearly...

 

That's sweet. And you're welcome. Hey, I may be needing YOUR help (and some of the other wise LS parents) again on here too. (I'm ranted about my son on here before and gotten help.) It's really tough sometimes. And when we're in it it's hard to step outside and calmly look at a situation. So I totally get the part about "not thinking clearly."

 

Let us know how it goes, ok? But don't worry..she'll be ok I'm sure.

[Touche]

You know, I hear what you are saying, but I've got to admit - and I'm not proud of this - that when I found this stuff, and it was stuff that I HAD NO IDEA he had, I was hacked off at him. Big time.

 

Here's why. The files had been downloaded a while ago, when we were going through a dry spell, so to speak, sexually and emotionally in our M. So I have to be honest and say, for all the "porn is ok - let the boys be boys" rhetoric I have given in the past, I was very HURT to have discovered that he had done this unbeknownst to me, and at a time when he was NOT getting his "release" from me and thus I felt that it had been used in a way that we had NOT previously agreed on. Then I felt like crap that I was feeling mad at him about porn because of all the "a man's got to do what a man's got to do" stuff that I TRY to subscribe to. So I had a massive bout of cognitive dissonance about what a HYPOCRITE that I had to face that I am!

 

And all this when things between us were starting to improve a bit....

 

It just gets deeper and deeper....

 

 

And those are all legitimate concerns, MS. But they are separate from what the issue at hand is with your daughter. Try to not let your resentment about this creep in when you talk to your daughter. It really is a separate issue to be taken up with him. But first I'd deal with the situattion with your daughter, hiding the fact that YOU have a problem with this for totally different and unrelated reasons.

[Mustang Sally]

I agree, I just am sick and tired of feeling like I'm the one who has to do all the parenting...

 

 

Sounds like the issue goes a little deeper then.

Very perceptive, JadeStar. Yes, different parenting styles has been a problem with H and I since this sweet girl was born. It is just one (of many) things I have tried and TRIED to talk to him about and get us together, in a unified front, as others have suggested above.

 

I bought books, DVDs of parenting courses, CDs to listen to in the car while commuting, you name it. He comes from a broken home (dad deserted them when he was a toddler and his mom had a string of nasty H's - many were abusive) and frankly, it's freaking amazing he is a normal as he is. I have told him so many times. My parents were great. Not perfect, but they gave me a good model to follow.

 

He has avoided educating himself about this stuff - why? I have no freaking clue. Maybe a powerplay between him and me? I can't figure his sh*t out anymore.

 

And lately, I think we have been luckily getting by. (How f*cking scary! The teenage years loom ahead...what will I do then??? I want a GAME PLAN - preferably with TWO parents who are doing their jobs.) We are fortunate enough to have some good - no, GREAT - kids (in SPITE of both of us, not BECAUSE of both of us, LOL). But when an incident like this crops up, and we really need to know WTF we are doing as parents, then I feel like it all potentially goes to pieces, and I am the one left holding the responsibility-bag, and (I admit it) I'm getting TIRED of it. I feel like he is doing dumb sh*t (leaving that file on there...) and then I have to clean up the mess he made.

[tanbark813]

Here's how I think it should be handled. I don't agree that it should just be between your H and your D. You two need to present a UNITED front on this. You don't want her alienated from her father.

 

You should BOTH sit down with her and just apologize to her. Tell her that was not something she was supposed to see and it was supposed to be private. Tell her that there's nothing really wrong with adults looking at pictures like that and reassure her that you two love each other. You don't owe her any explanations beyond that. You don't need to get defensive. She needs to see that YOU, mom aren't mad at your H. Because if she's seeing anger on your part towards her dad, THAT, IMO will cause more harm to her psyche than seeing the porn.

 

I agree with this. Also, if you and your H watch porn together and you've already established that you're okay with it then it's a bit hypocritical to then turn around and call him a pig and berate him over the phone. How is that going to help your daughter develop healthy attitudes towards sexuality?

 

I'm not surprised your H hasn't stepped up like you've wanted. He's probably pissed about being bashed for something he thought you were okay with.

 

I think you should first apologize to him for the adolescent name-calling and password change and then address the issue with your daughter together. Married couples are supposed to be a team.

[Touche]

I agree with this. Also, if you and your H watch porn together and you've already established that you're okay with it then it's a bit hypocritical to then turn around and call him a pig and berate him over the phone. How is that going to help your daughter develop healthy attitudes towards sexuality?

 

I'm not surprised your H hasn't stepped up like you've wanted. He's probably pissed about being bashed for something he thought you were okay with.

 

I think you should first apologize to him for the adolescent name-calling and password change and then address the issue with your daughter together. Married couples are supposed to be a team.

 

Thanks, Tan but I don't fully agree with you on the bolded part.

 

The operative word here is that she's ok watching it TOGETHER. Did you read her post? She had a problem with him viewing it (and getting off) WITHOUT her. So it's not an across the board acceptance of it.

 

Secondly, I don't see how she's being hypocrital when it comes to her daughter. MS's views and preferances on the porn viewing are her and her H's private business. The D shouldn't be privy to that. I just don't see where the hypocrisy lies. As MS stated, the D did NOT hear their conversation over the phone.

[tanbark813]

Did you read her post?

 

Yes, I did:

 

The thing is, H and I occasionally enjoy porn together, and I have no problem with this. He also uses some of it "by himself" from time to time (I don't know how often, maybe more often that I thought....) and again, I am ok with that AS LONG AS it doesn't replace our relationship OR affect the kids.

 

He f**ked up on the "affect the kids" part but it's still hypocritical. And unless she was in a soundproof booth the daughter probably heard the call. Kids listen in on things like that.

[Jeffrey]

Create accounts/profiles for your children to use. If you can get Windows Vista, that's even better but the old windows XP should suffice. This way, documents/folders can be easily protected.

 

Don't worry, I changed the PW on the comp immediately, so NO ONE could access it until he moved/protected/deleted/whatever the files.

 

I was p*ssed, so I changed the PW to "f*ckyou." He had to call me to ask what the PW was, when he got home, so I said "f*ck you." Childish, I know, but made me feel better.

 

I don't want to be his nagging wife/mother, so I haven't said much about the whole thing except to ask if he has talked to her about it. He said no.

 

I would be happy to suggest things he could say, but frankly, it p*sses me off that I would have to do this. For crissakes, can't he MAN-UP and be the grown up for ONCE? And, I completely agree, this is really HIS issue with her. Not MINE.

[Mustang Sally]

I agree with this. Also, if you and your H watch porn together and you've already established that you're okay with it then it's a bit hypocritical to then turn around and call him a pig and berate him over the phone. How is that going to help your daughter develop healthy attitudes towards sexuality?

 

I'm not surprised your H hasn't stepped up like you've wanted. He's probably pissed about being bashed for something he thought you were okay with.

 

I think you should first apologize to him for the adolescent name-calling and password change and then address the issue with your daughter together. Married couples are supposed to be a team.

I see your point, Tanbark. And I appreciate your input.

 

To clarify, when I called him a "pig" it was in reference to the fact that he left a porn file where the kids could easily find it. Although, to be truthful, as I have already acknowledged my hypocrisy in this deal, maybe he figured out that I was hurt by this new discovery on my part, also, and that I was having issue with him using/needing it at a time when I wish he had been putting his energy into fixing what was/is wrong with our own private life.

 

And I have apologized to him for the name-calling and password-thing.

[katiebour]

I remember my brother, sister, and I (approximately 9, 10, and 11- I was 9)going through our parent's closet (latchkey kids and curiosity) and finding porno magazines, along with a collection of different-sized vibrators.

 

LOL!

 

It didn't scar me for life, I promise

 

My parents raised us in a way that sounds very similar to you- being very open about sex, etc. The first porn I ever saw was a tape my brother had made over the movie "Philadelphia" (without changing the title or hiding the tape.) Imagine my surprise when I popped that in on the big TV in the family room, my parents cooking dinner in the kitchen!

 

LOL!

 

Anyway, long story short, as an adult I enjoy sex and have no hangups about it or any related material. I dont think you need to worry about your daughter being harmed by this as long as you continue to teach that sex is normal, healthy, natural, and wonderful when done with the right person at the right age. Being exposed to things of a sexual nature at a young age didn't turn me into a sex-crazed maniac or anything- I was 19 before I had sex for the first time.

 

Just do the talk together, keep it positive, and put all the porn on a parent-only computer.

[IpAncA]

When I found out my father looked at that stuff (12) it didn't really affect me. I didn't think much of it except he's gross and I rolled my eyes. I actually told me mom he had issues and she agreed.

 

My mom was more I rate about it because he didn't delete it. And yes he kept pictures in a folder that wasn't password protected.

 

I remember she said something to him but I never had him say anything to me. That was sooooooooooo not a converstation I wanted to have with him.

 

Actually come to think of it, he denied it. Not to my mom but to me. Guess he didn't want me knowing. So what happened if I caught him was he would say it came in through on a virus. :laugh: "Yeah okay dad a virus." I'm not that stupid but guess he thought I bought it.

 

I never had the "Porn" talk because I wasn't comfortable talking to my parents about it.

 

I do think your H should be more careful because everyone uses that computer.

 

Even though I knew about that stuff at my age, I still didn't want to know what my parents were doing. Let alone what my father was looking at.

 

I Knew but I didn't actually see it if that makes sense.

 

As for him talking to her about it, maybe he doesn't feel comfortable doing that.

[Mustang Sally]

Thanks, Katie & IpAnca.

 

It helps to hear from those who've been on the "kid" end of this.

 

I guess I was probably overreacting to her statement of "dad is disgusting" because, as I've said, I don't want the kids to view sex as disgusting (not even porn - well, within reason, you know...). I just don't want them to have much (if any) exposure to it at this point in their lives.

 

And I certainly don't want them to think their dad is disgusting.

Even though it hurt my feelings more than I ever expected such a thing would. That part really surprised me. And I'm still confused about what, if anything, that should be telling me about myself, my H, and our M.

 

I guess I learned that you can't always know how you will respond to any given scenario until you are actually faced with that scenario. Feelings and emotions are not always predictable or (immediately) control-able.

 

Maybe I should let sleeping dogs lie. She doesn't seem to want to talk about with him, either. And he has moved the porn to a secure place. Maybe I should be grateful that I have a H who is not completely hiding this stuff away from me? I realize now, after the initial madness has gone down, that I don't want a bunch of dishonesty between him and me regarding porn-use. That would be even more counterproductive.