Privacy and Secrets

[cranium]

For those who may not know my story – I caught my wife having a PA 2½ years ago. We were in MC at the time b/c she wanted to separate. More MC followed and I came clean about my own A of many years earlier. Anyway, we both stuck it out and our relationship has steadily improved over the last year.

 

Recently, I discovered an email account I did not know she had. It appears the account was set up shortly after I discovered her A in ’04. She seems to check it periodically, but there is not a ton of activity. Her systems people would catch a keylogger if one were installed, so that’s not an option to capture her pword.

 

She feels that we should each have a little privacy in our lives and I don’t completely disagree with that. For instance, I don’t want her to read what I post here. There are others I have confided in during the last few years for advice and she does not know the extent or nature of those conversations.

 

My primary concern is she established and uses this email account to maintain a ‘friendship’ with her xOM. They were co-workers before all this went down and she really wanted them to go back to being friends. About two months ago she told me he called her to let her know he was getting married. I told her thanks for letting me know he called and I was curious if he called all his x’s to share the news.

 

It’s not eating away at me and I’m not going to obsess over it, but I would love to know “Why the secret account?” I'd also like to know how others feel about issues of privacy within a relationship.

 

Thanks,

c

[quankanne]

every relationship needs some level of privacy, but not to the point where the relationship itself will be jeopardized!

 

I'm also of the opinion that if you wish to maintain a relationship with someone of the opposite sex (as in platonic friendships), then you must make every effort to include your spouse in that relationship ... keep him/her updated with what's going on in that person's life, if you've heard from this friend, etc ... so that he or she knows that there's no monkey business going on.

 

while I imagine your wife doesn't see how that secret account would be troublesome if things have been on the up and up, you prolly should explain to her that based on her past history, keeping that account seems suspicious to you. She may not even think of it that way, just as a regular account, you know? Let her know how you feel, but in a calm, non-accusatory manner.

[cranium]

while I imagine your wife doesn't see how that secret account would be troublesome if things have been on the up and up, you prolly should explain to her that based on her past history, keeping that account seems suspicious to you. She may not even think of it that way, just as a regular account, you know? Let her know how you feel, but in a calm, non-accusatory manner

 

She doesn't know that I know about this other account. I've kept that 'secret' from her.

 

I agree with your opinion about platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex; in our particular situation, however, she knows there is absolutely no way I would allow her to be 'friends' with her xOM, period. Fact is, he never was her 'friend'.

[whichwayisup]

About two months ago she told me he called her to let her know he was getting married. I told her thanks for letting me know he called and I was curious if he called all his x’s to share the news.

 

How about asking her if she's heard from him or is casually keeping intouch with him.

 

I do find it odd that he would call and tell her he's getting married. What purpose did that serve? Or was it the FINAL closure for him? Or for her?

 

I also wouldn't say anything about the other account yet, she could easily make another one and go to an internet cafe. (sorry, I don't wanna scare you.)

[Ladyjane14]

If it was me... I'd just tell the truth. Your wife lost the right to "privacy" when she abused it. So did you, come to that.

 

You two have a history of infidelity in the marriage. You both need to be going out of your way in order to build and maintain trust. Even if that means you BOTH need to be living transparently.

 

Things like this sit in the back of your brain simmering like a poison. Get the poison out. You might face some conflict over it. You might argue and disagree with one another. But... you keep hashing it out until you've reached a workable solution that you're both excited about. Facing the conflict can lead you to a better understanding of one another and MORE emotional intimacy.