New here long story

[Mandy0816]

As the title says Im new here and need help. Im 26 and have been married for almost 5 years (been together for 9). I have been so frustrated lately about the lack of sex in our marriage that I'm ready to leave him. I've begged him for the last 4 years to initiate sex with me so I dont feel like Im the only one who wants it. He refuses. I can honestly say that in the last 12 months we have had sex less than 5 times. He hugs me and kisses me but they are quick hugs and pecks on the lips before he runs out the door to go to work. But when he comes home from work he changes his clothes and sits on the couch and falls asleep.

The other night he actually said something which is really rare for him. I basically told him that I didn't know how we were going to continue to be married because he treats me like im one of his "boys" and I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that I've only ever asked him for 2 things...have sex with me and start a family with me. He told me that he doesnt want to have children with me because I wont be a good mother. He says that he feels that he took on to much responsiblility to fast and he doesnt want it anymore.

I don't know where to go from here. I wanted to be with this man forever but now I dont see how I can be with him one more minute. What does he mean he doesn't want anymore responsibility? I'm sorry for rambling on and on...but any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Mandy

[Moose]

NO....I mean it.....we meet every Thursday night in my basement......

 

Just joking, (Got it from That's 70's Show....)

 

Seriously, I feel your frustration. Based on what you've told us thus far:

But when he comes home from work he changes his clothes and sits on the couch and falls asleep.

He told me that he doesnt want to have children with me because I wont be a good mother.

He says that he feels that he took on to much responsiblility to fast and he doesnt want it anymore.

Personally......he either needs to poop, or get of the pot.....

 

He can't leave you in limbo like this. If he doesn't want sex, children, or even to spend an hour or two with you intellectually everyday.....HE needs to file for divorce.

 

I say HE because you don't want this on your, "tab".......(there are no Biblical reasons to dissolve this marriage).....of course, if you don't care about those things...then it's up to you how you want to proceed....

 

Frankly, you're going to have to force him to make the next move.......don't let HIM rest until he does something about it......

[Mandy0816]

I just want him to want me, to make me feel like he is still attracted to me. How do I get him to make a decision on what he wants to do. When we "talk" I do all the talking and he sits there not saying a word. If I ask him a question he i dont knows me. I hate that. I wish I could just creep inside his head and see what he actually thinks. He tells me that he doesnt know how to express his emotions. I have no idea what that means because I talk about everything that bothers me and I do mean everything (not just him). How do you get a man who has no idea what to say to actually say something?

[whichwayisup]

You can't make someone want you....Or feel passionate about you, or want to have children. It sounds like he has settled in the nest and doesn't want anything to change. He is happy enough, day in and day out to live life as it is now. Problem is, it's NOT enough for you!

 

He told me that he doesnt want to have children with me because I wont be a good mother

 

That is an awful thing to say! Because of this, you need to re-think your marriage with him and if he isn't willing to talk out whatever it is inside his head, then suggest marriage counselling. If he is unwilling to go and put in the effort to fix things and make life better, then maybe it's time to say goodbye and move on, heal and find a man who will meet your needs, and want to have children with you.

 

Sounds like too, he is afraid of the big changes that come with being a responsible person, being a parent and putting someone else first before your own needs.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wish I could just creep inside his head and see what he actually thinks.

I think you do know what he thinks. His words and unwillingness to deal with the big problems in your marriage tell you an awful lot. If he won't work on fixing them NOW, time for you to make your own plans...

 

Mr. Lucky

[4whatItsWorth]

I agree with WWIU - it's is AWFUL to say that you won't be a good mother! What did he base that statement on?

 

Obviously, you two have been together since you were teenagers. People do change A LOT between being teens and adults, however, he can't always have been like that.

 

Perhaps you need to sit down and say "I can't go on like this. I need intimacy, and I won't tolerate that you insult me by assuming that I won't be a good mother. If things haven't change between us within the next X months, then I am filing for a divorce. I deserve to be loved physically and emotionally and be with someone who wants to start a family with me."

 

You can't stay like this, it's not a happy solution.

[Island Girl]

He says that he feels that he took on to much responsiblility to fast and he doesnt want it anymore.

 

So he has come to his conclusion.

 

How do I get him to make a decision on what he wants to do.

 

YOU need to make the decision about what YOU want to do.

 

He has told how he feels. He isn't putting in any effort and hasn't for a long, long time.

 

He just isn't acting on it and making the necessary efforts to get divorced.

 

You need to make your own decision and then move toward making that happen.

 

If you want a family and he doesn't, if you want him to be attracted to you and he isn't, then it sounds like you want someone completely different than this guy.

 

But you won't find that man while you still put up with his lack of effort and his lazy - hurtful - don't-want- to- do - anything - for -you - lame azz is still sleeping on the sofa.

 

You are young and attractive and just got too serious too young and got stuck.

 

I'd get rid of him and get out there. If it is a romantic and sexual relationship you are after they are primed out there waiting for you. Get yourself a good one who wants to build a family and thinks you are the hottest thing since the sun.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... He tells me that he doesnt know how to express his emotions. I have no idea what that means because I talk about everything that bothers me and I do mean everything (not just him). How do you get a man who has no idea what to say to actually say something?

 

Mandy.... that's a basic guy gal difference. Women vent about everything. Men don't. Women are partly to balme for this because if we say the wrong thing we never hear the end of it. "Does this dress make me look fat"? There is no way a guy can answer that question and win.

 

But mostly guys don't vent. We try to solve problems. If we can't figure out how to solve the problem then we don't talk. We never admit we can't solve a problem. That wouldn't be manly. Talking about our emotoins isn't manly either. That's what women do. We aren't going to be a sissy like a woman and talk and cry and ... The more you try to pry a conversation out of him the more he'll not want to talk.

 

Try this. Shut up. Don't talk to him at all. Not hello, goodbye, nothing. Total silence.

 

You've been together as a couple since you where 17? Is that right? Has he ever had another women? How about you? any other men? That is very young to have stopped shoping around.