My wife of 15 years says she doesn't love me

[steveiejohn]

Hi

 

My wife told me on May 2nd that she doesn't love me. It came as a total bolt from the blue. She says she told me as soon as she realized it, but it has probably been coming for a long time, but she didn't know. Initially she said she would like to try to love me again, but on May 4th she said she didn't want to love me again, and wanted to finish. The reasons she has given, I 'parent' her, asking her to tidy the house (it's a tip), asking her to mow the lawn while I'm at work (she works about 2 hours a day). I don't show her affection, and compliment her on how she looks. My fault, she is lovely, and I realise NOW that I should compliment her more. She doesn't compliment me, but I didn't think I needed it. She is overweight, and about 3 years ago, lost a lot of weight and felt great because of it, with much more energy. She put it back on, and I've asked her regularly if she's going to try to lose it again (I'm worried sick about her health). Sometimes I've used reverse psychology, and said nasty things about her body. Boy, what a mistake. These things have really hurt her, and she's only now telling me. She says she's told me lots of times, but never forcefully enough for me to understand how much I've been hurting her. I realise I've said nasty things to her, but I've only asked for one chance, because that is all I need. I will NEVER say these things again, I'll be more loving and complimentary, but she wants it to be over. After 17 years together (15 married) she wants it to end so quickly. There is no-one else involved, I know for a fact. We are still in the same house, sleeping seperately. Our 2 daughters (11 and 9) know Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore, and are probably the only thing keeping me going right now. I have nver felt so many emotions, the hurt is unbearable, not just for me, but also for the hurt I have put my wife through. We went to a marriage counsellor May 10th, but she says she can't help unless we both want to make it work, and my wife said at the session that she doen't. Can someone suddenly realise overnight that they don't love someone anymore after so long? How can I make someone who doesn't love me anymore and says she doesn't want to, love me again. Everyone who knows us(both sets of parents, close friends) thought we were the perfect couple, and so did I. Everyone except my wife is in a total state of shock. I am getting deperate, as my wife wants to move things on so quickly, and love her so much

 

Steve

[4whatItsWorth]

What is up with you guys thinking "reverse physchology" is where you feel entitled to tell your wife she is fat? Did you ever stop thinking "Hm, if somebody told me I was an idiot I'd feel soo happy they pointed this out to me and I could go better myself by reading more books?" Hardly. You'd feel devastated and insecure. Geez!!

 

You don't fall out of love overnight. It is a downhill progress where she realised "if he's gonna be so nasty towards me, why am I staying for?" She might have told her friends who just confirmed it - don't stay with a bullying husband. I think the only thing you could do is ask her for a try-out-period. Say couple of months where you DO go to MC BOTH and try to work on it. Say you'll go to individual councelling to work on why you didn't appreciate her enough. (To prove you want to change for the better.) Compliment her, make her feel desired and wanted. Perhaps read "His needs, Her needs" by William Hardley?

 

It's one thing to say "I will change" - but action speak louder than words.

 

(I am not married or anything, but I am a girl who has been told off for being chubby - so I can relate.)

 

I know such words go DEEP. Perhaps that is why she is so reluctant to try again. Perhaps she feels she wants someone who won't verbally abuse her as soon as she put on weight. You should have said "Honey, I need to get fit - let's join the gym together!" - then that'd been more motivative. I had an ex who said hurtful things, they hit deep. But you CAN get past it, however, it takes TIME. The only advice I give now is to try to show in action how much you desire and want her. Be romantic.

[whichwayisup]

You two owe it to your kids to try to fix this marriage, go to marriage counselling. Learn how to communicate, find out what is/was missing from the marriage, talk, listen and compromise, understand eachother and learn together HOW to meet eachothers needs. You two can't throw away 17 years of history.....I hope your wife doesn't throw in the towel yet. Atleast by going to counselling together, it's an effort to fix things instead of giving up and ending a marriage that I think can be saved.

 

Try to recapture that love and passion. Obviously you two had a reason why you got married and had children. Seems life got in the way, kids and work, and slowly you two grew apart.

 

If you love her and want it to work, don't give up! Show her not only in words, but in action that you are willing to do all that is necessary to fix things! Hopefully she'll be willing to meet you halfway and try as well.

[che_jesse]

Please share the "reverse psychology" you tried to use on your wife.

[luvstarved]

Well that sounds like the utter pinnacle of poor communication.

 

If I were you I would tell her how YOU feel - but take ownership of it, don't go off blaming her for your feelings. What feelings, you may ask...?

 

Mainly what is in your heart. You feel hurt, rejected, insecure,whatever is true, but mostly, I would think betrayed and unfairly treated because she did drop this bomb on you and refused to give any opportunity to understand each other and try to at least work on actual issues. Nope! Just kept silent and lived a life of quiet desperation when she could have been expressing her fears and concerns and given you a chance to address them. I would NOT attack and all that, just tell her how you feel and see where the chips land.

And however she responds, for God's sake LISTEN.

[Reckless]

. I think the only thing you could do is ask her for a try-out-period. Say couple of months where you DO go to MC BOTH and try to work on it.

 

Negotiate, negotiate. You need time and 4wiw suggestion is good.

 

She didn't just fall out of love, she has been carrying building resentment for months more likely years and years. She probably can't stand the sight of you now and, as you said, wants out asap.

 

Still, if you can sit down and convince her to give your union another chance and negoitate a period when she'll honestly work on things, good, if not you have no chance.

 

No one person is responsible for the breakdown of a marriage you are not the only one to blame in this situation. It was her responsibility to communicate her unhappiness as it was your responsiblity to really hear her and both of you had the responsiblity to pay attention to your marriage.

[steveiejohn]

Thanks guys

 

Things are so tough at the moment. The mornings are tough, my wife will hardley acknowledge my presence. In the evenings we can communicate a bit more (but not about the situation). I have asked and asked for another chance (I only need one!), but she just wants to give up on 17 years. I know I will never hurt her again, and will treat how I now know she needs to be treated. But how do I get her to love me again? Things I'm now saying and doing, she just says is too little too late. All I can do is keep doing these things (compliments, flowers, talking, listening), but will she ever start to like me being around her again, which I think is the 1st step.

The hurt is terrible, but I have to keep trying even if my wife won't.

[a4a]

1. Your wife does not owe you a second chance. If that is what she wants (divorce) you need to RESPECT that. Even in departure you make it all about what YOU want?

2. The phrase "little too little, little too late" may apply.

3. Get your butt to a shrink and find out why you are such an ogre to your wife.

4. Fix yourself. Likely most of your complaints toward her were actually based on your own short comings.

5. Evaluate things, is the M really that good and worth saving?

6. Too late for flowers and compliments.... they don't mean a thing at this point.

7. Work on becoming a positive person.

8. Deal with your childrens feelings immediatley in regards to this situation.

9. Try to keep your chin up and don't repeat the same mistakes you already have made.

10......... again get your butt to a shrink - communication and your own issues are likely the problem with this M, not your wife being fat or lazy. Regardless if you divorce or not likely you will repeat the same mistakes unless you put the effort into changing yourself.

[jmargel]

You are going about this all the wrong way. The more you try to compliment her now and bring her flowers, etc.. will just push her away faster. It's like trying to pet a scared cat, the cat can sense it and will just jump away faster.

 

The BEST thing you can do really is write her a letter, give it to her and then let HER make the next move. This is all about communication and you are not listening to her. By her saying she wants out and you keep pressuring her to stay you are just reaffirming to her that things won't change. You have to approach things from that sort of angle. I will give you a sample of a letter I would write if I was in your shoes, you need to keep it short, one page and not do any begging.

 

//////////

 

My Beloved Wife,

 

Though the shock has still not entirely worn off from what you told me two weeks ago, I want you to know that I am starting to realize the mistakes that I have made. Though I am going to have to do more soul searching and finally grasp on the hurt I caused you, I want you to know that I do truly love you. My most recent realization has been that I miscommunicated with you alot during these past few years and I will be going for my own counseling to not only show you but to show myself that I am a better person than what I have shown.

 

My intent has never been to control you nor to make you feel the way you have been. I got too comfortable in our relationship and took you for granted and it has taken this to me to wake up and realize this. Words can't express how sorry I am for if I truly knew now what I should have back then, none of this would have happened.

 

Above all I want you to be happy. With or without me. I want you to know that I will not pressure you in any form. If you want a divorce, though it would crush me, I will sign the papers. However if you do want to talk about this please know I will be ready to listen when you would like to talk.

 

Love,

 

///////////

 

 

It's simple and to the point. It gives the message that you are willing to wait and LISTEN to her when she is ready to talk. The big part of communication especially with these situations is that when she is ready to talk, DON'T interrupt her, even if you disagree or feel disappointed in what she is saying. The BEST thing to say no matter what she says is 'I understand'. It allows her to bring down her defenses and lets her know that what she is saying is getting through to you. Don't try to agrue with her or tell her on why she shouldn't feel the way she does.

 

Find a counselor and go for yourself. This is a wake up call. I don't know what the future of your marriage will be but IMO this is the best way to go about it. Let her feel and say the things she needs to say.

[Topper]

Some people here are being pretty hard on this guy. He came here hurting and confused. Yes he has not been Mr perfect. Who is? He did say he sees what he did wrong. he is willing to go the extra mile and work on the marriage. Lets at least give the guy some credit for that.

See if she will at least agree to a trial separation while continuing marriage counseling. Both of you should also go to individual counseling.

She sounds like she might be pretty unhappy not only with you but herself. A great many woman when unhappy with themselves takes it out on the Husband. He is the closest to them other then the children.

Looking back I'm sure you saw the signs of her unhappiness. Her wieght gain is one sign. I would bet heavily, that your sex life has been almost nonexistent for a couple of years now as well.

If she has been thinking of this for some time, chances are she has already talked to a lawyer. You had better find one that you can talk to . Get your ducks in a row now. Do what you need to do to save your relationship. in the mean time you should be prepared. Let her know that the whole family is going to suffer emotionally and economically. Both of you will have to get use to a major change in your life style.

[Flyin in Clouds]

1. Your wife does not owe you a second chance. If that is what she wants (divorce) you need to RESPECT that. Even in departure you make it all about what YOU want?

that's why guys should never get married, or if they do pre-nup all the way.

 

How about she owes him to stick by her vows, "until death do us part, for better or worse... " You know the shtick.

 

 

2. The phrase "little too little, little too late" may apply.

3. Get your butt to a shrink and find out why you are such an ogre to your wife.

4. Fix yourself. Likely most of your complaints toward her were actually based on your own short comings.

Yeah, it's obvioulsy all his fault and not his hormonally challenged wife's!

 

 

5. Evaluate things, is the M really that good and worth saving?

6. Too late for flowers and compliments.... they don't mean a thing at this point.

7. Work on becoming a positive person.

8. Deal with your childrens feelings immediatley in regards to this situation.

9. Try to keep your chin up and don't repeat the same mistakes you already have made.

Look, tell her you don't need a fat broad anyway... plenty of younger, skinnier women out there. How's that for being positive? Plenty of fish in the sea honey. Won't miss you a bit. Next...

 

 

10......... again get your butt to a shrink - communication and your own issues are likely the problem with this M, not your wife being fat or lazy.

? She won't even cut the grass? He works and she doesn't? Does his lazy bitch do anything but eat bon-bons all day?

 

 

Regardless if you divorce or not likely you will repeat the same mistakes unless you put the effort into changing yourself.

Yeah, he'll make the mistake of marrying a woman that doesn't care about keeping up her appearance after she's got the gold ring on her finger. ...

 

Oh, well... better luck next time.

 

She wants a divorce. Give it to her. You don't want to be with a woman that isn't madly in love with you. Say good bye and stop being a whinny needy dependent little boy. Women hate that.