stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 I'm curious if people can share insight on the decision for cohabitation with a SO. Any pitfalls to watch out for? How do you go about splitting expenses? What about if you're not yet married but interested in buying a place together? I've never lived with a SO before, and mine is interested in purchasing a condo/house together in the fall. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 I had a sort of bad experience with living with a SO. Not because we didn't get along, but he freaked out that I pushed him into once we started living together, but instead of talking to me about it he started lying to me. After 2 1/2 years I finally got fed up and broke up with him. That being said, I am hesitant to do it again. Here are my reasons: 1. You are acting like you are married, but are NOT. Big emphasis on the not. 2. Splitting bills and stuff may get tricky because you still seperate money. 3. Guys lose motivation to marry once they move in, because they've basically got everything they need without having to commit. Probably not what your looking for but in my opinion it's a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Share Posted May 13, 2007 Probably not what your looking for but in my opinion it's a bad idea. Thanks! I am just looking for insights anyone may have, whether it's about potential problems, suggestions...anything at all. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 2. Splitting bills and stuff may get tricky because you still seperate money. You're not specific as to how you'll handle the place from a real estate standpoint but think of this: If the house or condo is in both of your names, you're both responsible for the debt. If you're just cohabitating, it's arguably easier for a dissatisfied partner to simply leave. Could you pay for the house on your own? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Share Posted May 13, 2007 Yeah, I'm not even sure how we'd do it. I don't know what's best. I mean, if we got it in both our names, and we aren't married, what happens if you split up? Do you sell it and both take 50%? I guess I have a TON of thinking to do before seriously doing this. I'm also curious as to finances....are their arguments for/against keeping separate finances or merging some things? I'm just curious how others do it and what works... Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 I think if I were you, I'd wait to buy the condo until you two have been cohabitating for a year. Give both of you time to adjust to living together without the added stress of a huge purchase and large debt standing on both your shoulders. Take a bit of time to enjoy the aspect of living together before both of you jump into a huge investment. Pitfalls of living together: Routine. Easy to get caught in a pattern of doing the same things every day. Have more time together, but quality decrease as quantity increases. Have to work to keep the qualitity up. Sex becomes routine. Harder to keep that spicey when you've now seen the worst both of you can offer. Gives an indepth look at the other persons spending habits and money issues. Takes a lot of communication and comprimise to make sure that doesn't become a deal breaker. Also have to actively take into consideration both partners need for "independent" time. meaning, pay more attention to signs that the partner needs to do his/her own thing and suggest they go do it. Acutally, my biggest suggestion if you want this to work... Work to ensure both of you are still able to have time to do your own things. Like if you enjoy painting as a hobby, then take time to continue doing that. Or if your bf enjoys watching a game with his buddies, then give him the green light to do that. Don't forget that you're both individuals, and that is what attracted you to each other in the first place. My first long term relationship, we never gave each other time to be ourselves. Everything was done together. Everything was a comprimise so both would be happy. Not everything should be a comprimise. We should understand that our partner isn't exactly who we are, and allow them to do those things that make the person who they are. If that's sports, then he/she needs time to go do that without the partner there. Maybe it's education, or painting, or writing, but whatever it is... encourage the partner to pursue those interests without having to comprimise, or adjust their interests to fit someone else into it. Allow the person to still be who they are, while you pursue who you are.. then reconnect afterward. That was the biggest downfall of my first relationship. And its also one of the things I treasure most about my current relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 3. Guys lose motivation to marry once they move in, because they've basically got everything they need without having to commit. In my experience, this isn't true. Guys lose motivation to marry if they feel their sexual needs aren't being met, if they feel the woman isn't taking his concerns seriously, and if the guy feels the woman isn't going to fight for BOTH of them to be happy. And guys do not have everything they need just because a woman moves in with them. Just like women do not automatically get everything we need just because we live with a guy. I know several of my female friends believe that once they move in with a guy, then somehow (without the woman doing anything) the guy has all his wishes granted. Yet the man feels the sex drops off, it becomes more routine, the woman decreases how much effort she puts into exciting the guy, and she stops doing those extra special things she used to do to show she cares for him... and then she wonders why the guy is less than enthused to promise a life of "forever" with her. While he's still trying to figure out where that sex goddess who used to want to do special things for him went. Just like women wonder where that romantic guy with the passionate kisses went, who used to go out of his way to do things for her. Point is... moving in is not the end. Its just a different level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Share Posted May 13, 2007 Thank you so much! These are all exactly what I was looking for. I especially like the part about keeping our individuality. I know that has been a concern for both of us. I definitely agree that we should keep our alone time, and it's good advice to think about living together awhile before actually purchasing a place together. Thanks so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 My one bit of advice would be to not think you have to spend all your spare time together. My bf and I make time for each other during the week, but at night, mornings, weekend etc we do our own thing. I will read, be doing work etc whilst he works on his car, plays xbox etc. It helps you keep what you like to do in your alone time to yourself, and quality time is better because you dont spent every waking minute with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 In my experience, this isn't true. Guys lose motivation to marry if they feel their sexual needs aren't being met, if they feel the woman isn't taking his concerns seriously, and if the guy feels the woman isn't going to fight for BOTH of them to be happy. And guys do not have everything they need just because a woman moves in with them. Just like women do not automatically get everything we need just because we live with a guy. I know several of my female friends believe that once they move in with a guy, then somehow (without the woman doing anything) the guy has all his wishes granted. Yet the man feels the sex drops off, it becomes more routine, the woman decreases how much effort she puts into exciting the guy, and she stops doing those extra special things she used to do to show she cares for him... and then she wonders why the guy is less than enthused to promise a life of "forever" with her. While he's still trying to figure out where that sex goddess who used to want to do special things for him went. Just like women wonder where that romantic guy with the passionate kisses went, who used to go out of his way to do things for her. Point is... moving in is not the end. Its just a different level. This is true... ...at the same time, though, a guy who is eager to have you as his wife rarely suggests moving in together indefinitely - he proposes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 This is true... ...at the same time, though, a guy who is eager to have you as his wife rarely suggests moving in together indefinitely - he proposes. I had the same thought. If the two of you are going to take on all the responsibilities and trappings of marriage - home ownership, cohabitation, co-mingled finances, etc. - why not have the ceremony? It certainly clears the legal standing. You also get a lot of nice gifts to use in your new house Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 I think if I were you, I'd wait to buy the condo until you two have been cohabitating for a year. Give both of you time to adjust to living together without the added stress of a huge purchase and large debt standing on both your shoulders. Take a bit of time to enjoy the aspect of living together before both of you jump into a huge investment. Pitfalls of living together: Routine. Easy to get caught in a pattern of doing the same things every day. Have more time together, but quality decrease as quantity increases. Have to work to keep the qualitity up. Sex becomes routine. Harder to keep that spicey when you've now seen the worst both of you can offer. Gives an indepth look at the other persons spending habits and money issues. Takes a lot of communication and comprimise to make sure that doesn't become a deal breaker. Also have to actively take into consideration both partners need for "independent" time. meaning, pay more attention to signs that the partner needs to do his/her own thing and suggest they go do it. Acutally, my biggest suggestion if you want this to work... Work to ensure both of you are still able to have time to do your own things. Like if you enjoy painting as a hobby, then take time to continue doing that. Or if your bf enjoys watching a game with his buddies, then give him the green light to do that. Don't forget that you're both individuals, and that is what attracted you to each other in the first place. My first long term relationship, we never gave each other time to be ourselves. Everything was done together. Everything was a comprimise so both would be happy. Not everything should be a comprimise. We should understand that our partner isn't exactly who we are, and allow them to do those things that make the person who they are. If that's sports, then he/she needs time to go do that without the partner there. Maybe it's education, or painting, or writing, but whatever it is... encourage the partner to pursue those interests without having to comprimise, or adjust their interests to fit someone else into it. Allow the person to still be who they are, while you pursue who you are.. then reconnect afterward. That was the biggest downfall of my first relationship. And its also one of the things I treasure most about my current relationship. Hey, fantastic post Walk, thanks! I started a thread asking this very questions a few days ago, and this post is exactly what I was looking for too. I made a similar mistake (re:doing everything together) with the only other BF i have lived with, and can now see where a few things went wrong. Question for you stace- who is the SO who wants to move in with you? your ex? Or the new guy you have just started dating? I have read some of your other posts and am really confused! Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 I have always lived with a guy before considering marriage. Have lived with 7 guys in my life (two platonic, so really 5) and married two of them and I firmly believe FOR MYSELF in the try before you buy approach. Have seen some great advice here about maintaining individuality, working to avoid interpersonal and sexual ruts, waiting before entangling finances too much, etc. When people talk about why not get the commitment since you know that all these pitfalls are coming and could cause the guy to lose interest. I think that is crap. I mean, I respectfully disagree!! Listen, the real people are coming out eventually once you live together, suggesting you get married ahead of time sounds actually very cynical to me, like if people knew what they were in for, they'd never do it. I'd prefer to think that living together would be the thing that cements your relationship or tells you the important truth that it will not work for you in the end. Sure there will be difficulties in the relationship, no matter its status, but it is how you handle those difficulties that test relationships. One thing I would advise though - I would not move in with a "new" boyfriend while you are at the height of passion and best behavior. That is, you should really get to know one another and feel like great if not best friends before taking that step. It has happened to me that when you jump in too soon, and the irritations and boredom start to set in, you have no foundation on which to stand. The initial passion was all there was. And that can be a depressing realization. And really dicey if that feeling is one-sided. I also agree that you should probably rent for at least a year before buying the condo. This can be a source of tension that you really don't want to inject into an already at least initially awkward situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted May 16, 2007 Author Share Posted May 16, 2007 Question for you stace- who is the SO who wants to move in with you? your ex? Or the new guy you have just started dating? I have read some of your other posts and am really confused! I am really in a pickle now....funny you should ask. The ex has talked about us moving in together within a few months (like fall some time). The problem is that now I have had a couple dates with this new guy, and I really like him, too. I guess this is totally for another post in a different topic, but I have a big decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Does your ex, that ask you to live with him know your dating another guy? Why would you even consider moving in with someone if your still just dating? Walk, Great post! Good advice for any couple living together or married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted May 16, 2007 Author Share Posted May 16, 2007 Does your ex, that ask you to live with him know your dating another guy? Why would you even consider moving in with someone if your still just dating? Walk, Great post! Good advice for any couple living together or married. Basically, this is a very long soap opera. My ex for quite some time wasn't sure that his feelings for HIS ex were resolved. Until this past Saturday, all I knew was the he was trying to resolve those feelings. I assumed he would be getting back together with her, as she was his first love and I always felt she could snap her fingers and he would come running back. So justifiably I began moving on, and went on a first date with Guy 2. Saturday, ex professes his love for me and tells me how sorry he is for what I went through, and tells me he knows that his ex is not right for him, and he wants to work things out with me. Since we went back and forth for the past year like a tennis match, I (rightfully I think) didn't trust him yet. I had already planned to go on date 2 with Guy 2 last night, so I did. I know that I'm in love with my ex. However, it's really hard for me to trust anyone to begin with due to some events in my life, and with everything that happened over the past year, it's especially hard to open up to my ex again. I do love him though, and I want to see that he's serious now, I guess. I would hate to tell Guy 2 that I want to go back to my ex, only to have my ex tell me (once again) that he can't cut off HIS ex and he can't move forward with me. I hope that was clear. I know it's a sticky situation I've gotten myself into, and I don't want to treat anyone unfairly or hurt anyone's feelings. I do have to look out for myself now though. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 stace79, you have gotten excellent advice as to avoiding the pitfalls. I would also suggest discussing how finances will be split before moving in with a SO. For me, I would certainly continue to pay my own expenses (auto, insurance, clothing) but rent, utilities, groceries could be divided as you see fit. Since I do the shopping I would probably prefer to cover that expense and try to figure out something he could pay that would be comparable in cost over time. In my case I have more children and would be willing to assume a higher percentage of many expenses. However, based on your last few posts I don't think you are currently in a position to make a move to live together. I wouldn't suggest going through the tremendous upheaval unless I was very certain about the future of the relationship. Sure, there are no guarantees, but recent events in your case do not warrant moving in together any time soon. Of course this is just my opinion and I am now much more reserved on this subject than my liberal past would suggest. Lets just say that my reserve comes from living my liberal past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted May 16, 2007 Author Share Posted May 16, 2007 I definitely agree. I think everyone's suggestions have helped me a lot, as I've never even considered living with someone until now. I agree that if he and I are to work out, I will have to see some serious proof positive of his changes and his desire to be with me. I'm going to take it very slowly, since it's my life and future on the line! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Seems like both of you have some issues to resolve. Do some couples conciling now before either of you make any commitments. At least you will find out if moving in or even continuing your relationship is the right thing to do. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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