Needing to Vent

[uleryrns]

I guess I just need to vent and lately I don't have anyone to vent to, except my mom. But after a while, I feel bad, because then her and my dad really start looking at my husband like he's a loser. I look at him that way, sometimes. I mean, I love him, but lately, I've grown so annoyed by him and I just wish he was more reliable and responsible. He's a good man, and I know he loves me and he tries about 60% of the time to be a good husband and father. But the other 40%, he's thinking solely of himself. And unfortunately, when it comes to providing for the family, he doesn't think about the consequences of not working at a job that pays enough or working enough hours to cover our bills. His excuse is always, I'm doing my best. But so far, his best isn't good enough. I mean we're constantly struggling financially, and since he never handles our budget (because it would be a nightmare if he did), I always have to deal with juggling everything and figuring out ways to cover all our bills. And I stress over it SO much and he just sits there and shrugs his shoulders, like no biggy. Even if I try to talk to him about it, he gets all defensive and upset and gives me the same sad line, that he can't do anything more. And instead of maybe considering trying to find a higher paying job, or applying for one at least, or trying to get over time, or work another job, or SOMETHING, he just ignores it, like it'll take care of itself.

 

I realize he's learned that behavior, thanks in part to his mom, who always handled his crap for him, pretty much his entire life. He seems to have the attitude that things will just fall into place and others will take care of the problem and he doesn't have to take care of anything. Even when pushed or requested to do so, he does nothing. Every time he's been out of work, which is about 15 times, since we met, I have always done the job searching for him, because he won't. He simply won't. And because he needs to work, someone needs to get his name/resume out there. It's SO frustrating for me. He's lazy and selfish and his attitude is all about HIM. He doesn't want to work all day, so he'll take off early if his boss lets him, regardless of getting less pay. He doesn't want to go in on Saturday for over time, because he wants to be lazy, instead of making the money we need to afford our bills and keep from getting behind. It's things like that, that make me so angry and resentful. At his last job, he got injured and because he was working through a temp agency, they put him on light duty, so he could at least make some money in their office doing paper work, so when he comes home after only working 30 hours a week, he tells me that's all they had. But I found out, they always had 40 hours available, he just chose not to work them. He takes the easy way out all the time, and NEVER is willing to go the extra mile, or even the full mile, to get ahead.

 

I'm just really stressed right now. I mean, I've been going insane over this financial bull, for what feels like years. And we've talked about it and gone to counseling about it, and he always agrees with me, and admits he needs to do more, etc. But when it comes down to it, as with most things with him, he doesn't follow through. And meanwhile, I'm left holding the bag, that's empty, trying to make ends meet. I'm the one with the burden on my shoulders and he just shrugs his.

 

And aside from all the financial crap, he's bipolar, so I constantly have to deal with his mood swings and his tantrums. And THAT is getting SO old. I'm so tired of going home, only to hear him barking and bitching and snapping at me and the kids....the kids are just playing with their toys, and yet the slightest peep and he's shaking and screaming for them to shut up. And it's not just "shut up", it's SHUT THE F UP. And when he gets really bent, he'll start throwing things in anger. Not at anyone, but in general, which still isn't good. And instead of taking a breather, or going out to smoke, or even taking his meds (which he still has), he just fumes and gets angrier and meaner and verbally abuses me and the kids. Then after an hour or so of that, he'll calm down and realize he's been a complete and utter ass, and he'll apologize and act all nicey nicey as if everything should just be cookies and cream. Or he'll act like nothing happened. It's so tiring and I've been at the point where I wish I had the money and wherewithall to just take my boys and move. But....

 

I know I vowed for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. But there has to be something about not being happy at all, pretty much most of the time. I would say honestly, that I'm happy in this marriage about 25% of the time. The rest I'm walking on eggshells, anxious, nervous, spiteful, resentful, angry, frustrated and just plain annoyed. It's like he's another child I have to take care of, who won't listen to me or cooperate and I have to put up with his bull**** no matter what. And on top of that, have sex with him. Which by the way, has become increasingly more of a chore than enjoyable. Sure I enjoy the orgasm, but it's like get the f off me, I dont'even want to be near him. I only do it, so he'll shut up. God knows he needs to have it like every day, and if I go even 2 days without giving him any, I hear comment after comment that he's not getting any, and everytime I say something bothers me, like my nose hurts (or something trivial like that), he always pipes up and says "You need more sex, that's your problem". UGH.. I hate that. His guilt trip comments make me want to scream and get as far away from him as possible. They are a complete 100%+ turn off. But he doesn't get it. He verbally abuses me, snaps and bites my head off (and the kids), but yet he wants me to have sex like nothing happened.

 

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like if I were to leave him, you know, seperate from him at least, it might wake him up to realize his behaviors are unacceptable. Talking hasn't seemed to help at all, so maybe he needs a physical wake up call. But then I think where would I go, how would I afford it, what would that do to the kids, etc? It's been a debate going on in my head for so long....I just can't decide what to do. Right now, I only stay because I keep believing God has a plan and he'll help me through it and help change my husband into a better man. I keep hoping things will get better and like I said before, I have no resources to go anywhere, even if I did decide to go. But then I think, I also live in unhappiness and I'm not sure how much more I can take, especially being pregnant and having high blood pressure.

 

I feel like it's a catch-22....

[Guest]

Leave now and never look back.

[Alisha Goodens]

I have read many of your posts.

 

I can't help but to feel you have not been totaly honest in your communications though.

 

It sounds like there is a lot more to it than just bi-polar lazyness. My ex was almost the same that you have described your H. Except for one detail. He also was an addict.

 

It sounds like your husband may have a substance abuse problem. I also stayed with my ex, while he threw things, did not work, and was verbally abusive to me and the kids. Right up until the day 11 years later when he finnaly lost it and beat me so badly that I was laid up in a hospital for three days.

 

I filed for divorce that week and never looked back.

 

I am not sure how or why you made a decision to become pregnant, but I can tell you that your financial problems are about to get much much worse. Never think for a second that another child will motivate him to work, it sounds like he doesn't even take care of the ones living with you now.

 

Of I were you, I would get an apartment and get out now. As fast as I could before things become so unbarable that you sacrifice your health and welness. It sounds like you are on that road now with high blood pressure while pregnant. This is not a place you want to be.

 

You only other option is to contact family and set up an intervention where he can get the help he needs. If his mom does not help, then maybe brothers or sisters if he has any will help out. How does his family feel about his problems? I am curious to know, since those in his family will certainly care about him may want to help.

 

Also, there is never an excuse for throwing tantrums around the kids, especially violent ones, (and that is what throwing things is dear. Violence) Don't you realize you are allowing that behavior and through your actions your kids will grow up thinking it is OK and normal? You need to be tough for your kids well being dear. I also suspect that he has hit you but you are to ashamed to admit it, and probably done far worse, and you are too ashamed to talk about it. I was there, I know how it works, I too failed to put the whole story out there until I was beaten up by my ex to the point where I had black eyes, a fractured cheek bone, and broken teeth.

 

I strongly suggest you pull yourself together, get an apartment and move out. Get family to help with the kids and be honest about what happened. I promise you will feel a sense of freedom and release once you do.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Sobri821]

[COLOR=black]Wow, I am in a similar situation to you, only am not married and have no kid with my guy. It seems that his mood swings are due to low self-esteem and being lazy. My guy needs a job, but is unwilling to work when he gets one. He is crazy about sports and harbors these misconceptions that he may get a job in the field of sports management. He is also very picky, refusing to do certain jobs because they are beneath him. I’ve had it. I am fed up and want him to grow up! He also have parents whom bail him out of every situation. I think in the back of his mind he know that he will never hit rock bottom with them around. The problem is they disowned him and he had hit rock bottom. Despite disowning him they still desperately want him in their lives, so if he ignores them long enough, his mother breaks down and pays his rent. I too am enabling him. All I can say that it is not fare to you, the children, and your marriage for him to be that immature and stubborn. If you are bringing in all the money and doing all the work, cut out the middle man (him) and do it on your own. I don't ever like to tell people this, but its only going to take something that drastic for him to get the point. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I know I can’t marry my boyfriend unless he changes. But you are married to this man, and he is so selfish that he does not realize what image he will eventually send out to your kids and how much stress he is putting on your lives. [/COLOR]

[Zona76]

This might hurt but think about it!

Your problem is not with your husband, but your spending habits.

You both need to redefine what you have and need and even if it's a small item, ...re-think, "Do we NEED this?"

You contribute to the buying just as much as he.

You can't blame him.

I don't have a credit card. I use a debit card. If the money is not there I don't buy it! But when it accumulates I roll it to a savings. I don't need new gadgets.

I know my future is not far away and I want to retire and not have to pay bills. I must depend on myself!

Food shopping, I check for sales. If a store has a sale on items I use a lot of, I buy extra. I am also on many local freecycle programs where I trade items such as coffee machines or blenders or just about anything you can imagine. These items are free usable items and offered to those who can use them. The purpose in this is to save the land fills.

Most of the problems with too many bills today is we are commercialized to think we have to have an item we really don't need.

My PM is open. Feel free to respond.

ALSO! Very important is to focus on the positive things in your life. Thoughts are energy. All negative thoughts bounce back to bring more negative actions. Get the book "The Secret" It's well worth the read. Discover how you can change your life with your thoughts.

[uleryrns]

This might hurt but think about it!

Your problem is not with your husband, but your spending habits.

You both need to redefine what you have and need and even if it's a small item, ...re-think, "Do we NEED this?"

You contribute to the buying just as much as he.

You can't blame him.

 

This is simply wrong!!! My spending habits have nothing to do with why we can't afford our bills. We can't afford our bills, because my husband slacks off when it comes to working and bringing in money. He's lazy and doesn't want to "man up" and do the work to bring in enough to cover our bills. Instead of working his job full time, the hours he is assigned, he'll find excuses and ways to get out of it, or leave early or take time off, unpaid. He's done this in EVERY job he's had (15 in the last 9 years).

 

I refuse to excuse him, like you seem to. The ONLY bills we could do away with are our phone and our cable/internet, which wouldn't save a whole lot. All other bills are monthly living expenses we can't get rid of, such as, rent (we're in a lease we can't get out of without seriously ruining our credit, not to mention if we went to rent somewhere else, the cost would be the same or more and we'd have a smaller, less comfortable place for a family of 5 to live, and we'd have to come up with first, last and deposit, etc, so anyone with half a brain can see that option is clearly out), electricity (nope, can't do without that and although I keep our temps as controlled as possible to cut costs, there's nothing that will really help the cost), water/sewer (again, limiting is all we can do, but it's an expense we can't get rid of), car payments (yep, need those too, since we both drive 20 miles one way each day to work and have kids to transport, we need vehicles and can't afford anything "cheaper" than what we have), insurance for vehicles (goes without saying), food/groceries (if you must know, I generally spend $200 a week on food/groceries and gas for both of our vehicles)...so you see there isn't much to go around and what we have pretty much goes all to bills and monthly living expenses. Oh and I forgot about daycare, which takes a good chunk each week AND child support my husband has from a previous relationship that takes $360 a month....

 

I don't have a credit card. I use a debit card. If the money is not there I don't buy it! But when it accumulates I roll it to a savings. I don't need new gadgets.

I know my future is not far away and I want to retire and not have to pay bills. I must depend on myself!

Food shopping, I check for sales. If a store has a sale on items I use a lot of, I buy extra. I am also on many local freecycle programs where I trade items such as coffee machines or blenders or just about anything you can imagine. These items are free usable items and offered to those who can use them. The purpose in this is to save the land fills.

Most of the problems with too many bills today is we are commercialized to think we have to have an item we really don't need.

 

Well, we don't have credit cards either, and don't spend money unless we have it to spend, which most of the time we don't. You're thoughts are appreciated, but unfounded....I've been around supporting myself and my family long enough to know how to shop and how to spend and be thrifty, so I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate your speech.

 

 

ALSO! Very important is to focus on the positive things in your life. Thoughts are energy. All negative thoughts bounce back to bring more negative actions. Get the book "The Secret" It's well worth the read. Discover how you can change your life with your thoughts.

 

Good God....someone get the incense and herbal....Until you live with someone who is bipolar and who verbally abuses you, almost every day...who doesn't do their share of responsibilities in the family....only then will I listen to your crap. Thank you.

[Zona76]

If you HATE him so much then leave. You asked for ideas. I give them.

Thinking positive about something makes you feel good.

Look at how miserable you are with that horrid frown. You probably have a headache too.

It's not ALL his fault. It's not all your fault. Knock it off and stop complaining. It wont help.

Remember why you fell in love with him. Remember how he made you feel those years ago.... There are things you can do to cut back, but you are making excuses for yourself and telling us this whole mess is all his fault!

When he comes home from work, does he get greeted with a smile?

 

Never mind don't answer that! I don't feel like being yelled at again.

[Zona76]

If he is diagnosed bi-polar, he needs medication. Get it and if he doesn't take it inform his doctor!

[Guest]

Well, you stated it's all his mom's fault.. For doing everything. WEll, sounds like he's a moma's boy.. and Mom is a bit controling..

 

and here's the kicker... YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO THIS MAN BECAUSE HE WAS EASY FOR YOU TO CONTROL.

 

This is Text book.. but.. now that you've got him, you want him to instantly transform in to an assertive, well put together... MAN, instead of the puddy of a boy you married... or maybe you grew of controling him.. because it is difficult to deal with and and you have learned, taxing.

 

Sadly, if he took control of his money, his life.. you wouldn't be happy with that either because you would no longer be in control.

 

so, the solution is.. Emphasize what he does well, and you take over the stuff he can't handle, and DON'T EXPECT A DAMN THING MORE, because he isn't going to change.. and realize that even if you did, you wouldn't like it. (You get what you paid for)

 

NOTE: I got to tell you, I'm a bit like you. I rather be driving than have a man TELL me what to do, but I realize this..... and I realize that I will have to compensate for the lack of assertiveness my man posesss. Luckily, I realized this before I was married. I tried a relationship with a utterly capable, assertive man.. and He and I were fighting like CATS AND DOGS, and I was utterly unhappy. He had the nerve to tell me how to spend my money!!!! Now, I've got my passive boy, who calms me like no other at the price that when push comes to shove, I'm the one who keeps track of the bills, I have to push him like hell to get a better job, and I'M THE ONE WHO GOES TO BAT TO FIGHT. - but it's worth it!.

[Wedded25]

All right -- no more raking uleryrns over the coals over her supposed "spending problems" and supposed wish to "control" her husband. Mrs. W25 and I knew financial struggle early on (largely me-induced) even though we don't have kids and have never lived "high on the hog." Times are rough even for those who do manage some financial sanity. Without sanity ...

 

I, too, spent much of my younger days as a somewhat disaffected, slacky bohemian and "didn't want to deal with the stress" of a full-time job. A few stratospheric uninsured hospital bills later and I wised up damn fast.

 

And unfortunately, when it comes to providing for the family, he doesn't think about the consequences of not working at a job that pays enough or working enough hours to cover our bills.... and since he never handles our budget (because it would be a nightmare if he did), I always have to deal with juggling everything and figuring out ways to cover all our bills.

Maybe he doesn't have to handle it to see the danger it faces. Might a simple look at your cash flow help? For example: Is there one bill so large it can't be paid till just after a paycheck comes in? Did you ever have to mail the check a few days before the paycheck to meet the due date, and hope it arrived just after the paycheck? Oops ... what if you put it in the mail a day too soon so it might go bouncy-bouncy-boing-boing?

 

Seeing this certainly scared sense into me ... might it do the same for him?

 

And instead of taking a breather, or going out to smoke, or even taking his meds (which he still has), he just fumes and gets angrier and meaner and verbally abuses me and the kids.

He has to learn, either from you, his doctor, or preferably both, that psych meds are nothing to mess with! Again I can speak from personal experience. I take nefazodone for clinical depression, and missing one dose leaves my mind susceptible to skittering out of control and straight into a pit of black, obsessional thoughts.

 

Is there some reason WHY he's not taking his meds? A problem with side effects, or dose timing, maybe? Does he know he MUST contact his doctor if he's having problems? And just how qualified is his doctor? And how reachable? You'd be surprised how many of them hand out psych meds indiscriminately and then can't be bothered to respond when problems crop up.

 

And on top of that, have sex with him. Which by the way, has become increasingly more of a chore than enjoyable. Sure I enjoy the orgasm, but it's like get the f off me, I dont'even want to be near him. I only do it, so he'll shut up. God knows he needs to have it like every day, and if I go even 2 days without giving him any, I hear comment after comment that he's not getting any, and everytime I say something bothers me, like my nose hurts (or something trivial like that), he always pipes up and says "You need more sex, that's your problem". UGH.. I hate that. His guilt trip comments make me want to scream and get as far away from him as possible. They are a complete 100%+ turn off. But he doesn't get it. He verbally abuses me, snaps and bites my head off (and the kids), but yet he wants me to have sex like nothing happened.

Great. Gotta love that sense of entitlement. What does he propose to do if you don't comply -- sue you in Love Court? File a Writ of Emotional Garnishment? If so, he's in for a rude awakening. I'd tell him point-blank that love can't survive under threat, pressure, command and duress!

 

I hope this has been helpful, if only somewhat. I'm not qualified for much more serious advice, other than that I wish I could shout at him, "GROW THE HELL UP!"

 

{{{{{{{uleryrns}}}}}}}