Length of Relationship & Quality of Sex

[StayClose]

As I've stated in other threads, my wife has told me that because we;ve been together more than 10 years and we're about 40 years old (I'm a little older, she's a little younger), I shouldn't expect sex to be "like it was at first," which translates to me as "not very often and not very good."

 

As evidence she pointed me to recently discussed surveys that show that a significant percentage of married couples have sex less than 10 times year. She pointed out that we do it more than 10 times a year (probably about 15 times), so I shouldn't complain.

 

Well as other have pointed out, it's not just quantity, it's also quality. For us it's just trying to get orgasms for both is us as soon as possible, with minimal foreplay or variety, limited to short list of things she's willing to do. I miss the times when we'd freely explore eather others' bodies and the sensations we could create, riding waves of erotic pleasure.

 

So my next question to those who have been with their partner 8 years or more is: How would you compare the quality of your sex life to the first year in your relationship? Would you say it is better? About the same? Almost as good? Not as good but acceptable? Poor or nonexistent?

[quankanne]

physically, it's not changed much (still good), but emotionally, it's exploded because of the bond DH and I share. LOL, even when the sex is bad, it's good ...

[whichwayisup]

Sex does change as the years go by. It can be just as good - Maybe not as intense and spontaneous as it once was at the beginning though.

 

Your wife has to stop looking at survey's! Saying "well most people only have sex 10 times a year, so we're OK" isn't fair. It ISN'T okay if you're unhappy.

 

I find sex now is much more open, loving and giving with my H than it was at the beginning. The chemistry, lust and passion takes over at the beginning and you do it as much as you can, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. Back then it didn't matter if you missed a good nights sleep or show up late for a family function cuz of a quickie in the shower....Now, I know I'd rather (most of the time) make time for us to have an evening together than just have a quickie in the shower.

[Very_Confused]

As I've stated in other threads, my wife has told me that because we;ve been together more than 10 years and we're about 40 years old (I'm a little older, she's a little younger), I shouldn't expect sex to be "like it was at first," which translates to me as "not very often and not very good."

 

As evidence she pointed me to recently discussed surveys that show that a significant percentage of married couples have sex less than 10 times year. She pointed out that we do it more than 10 times a year (probably about 15 times), so I shouldn't complain.

 

Well as other have pointed out, it's not just quantity, it's also quality. For us it's just trying to get orgasms for both is us as soon as possible, with minimal foreplay or variety, limited to short list of things she's willing to do. I miss the times when we'd freely explore eather others' bodies and the sensations we could create, riding waves of erotic pleasure.

 

So my next question to those who have been with their partner 8 years or more is: How would you compare the quality of your sex life to the first year in your relationship? Would you say it is better? About the same? Almost as good? Not as good but acceptable? Poor or nonexistent?

 

My husband uses the same excuses as your wife. I am 43 and he will be 40 soon. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 of those. I have heard the "you shouldn't expect things to be like they were" excuse too many times to count. Neither quantity or quality happening here, basically nothing at all.

[Topper]

If you want to end a good sex life just get married!

[Carnebor]

My wife and I have been married 15 years and have 5 children (includes a set of twins and a mentally retarded daughter). There are no scientific studies that come close to showing that our intimate lives diminish with marriage or years after marriage.

 

To the contrary, more recent scientific studies show that American married couples are more emotionally and physically satisfied. Seriously, squeaky wheels get the grease. Unsatisfied married couples complain alot and get all the press. The rest of us just enjoy 'doing it'.

 

And for us, sex has gotten 'better'. What we may have lost in frequency, we've made up for in quality. We've mastered each other's bodies and know how to satisfy one another. We surprise each other regularly with activities and behaviors that are different. Not taking each other for granted keeps the spice alive.

 

Maturing couples who share a level of trust between them can peak sexually in ways others cannot.

[Mr. Lucky]

So my next question to those who have been with their partner 8 years or more is: How would you compare the quality of your sex life to the first year in your relationship? Would you say it is better? About the same? Almost as good? Not as good but acceptable? Poor or nonexistent?

Well, I would hope that anything one has has a chance to practice for (in my case) 20 years would show some increase in knowledge and skill. Like Carnebor, my wife and I have learned what works best - both emotionally and physically - for the other. Sex now is much better in every respect than when we first got together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[IpAncA]

Your wife has to stop looking at survey's! Saying "well most people only have sex 10 times a year, so we're OK" isn't fair. It ISN'T okay if you're unhappy.

 

IMO sounds like she's trying to justify it so you'll shut up or say "well yeah I guess I shouldn't complain."

 

I'd complain.

[StayClose]

Well, I would hope that anything one has has a chance to practice for (in my case) 20 years would show some increase in knowledge and skill. Like Carnebor, my wife and I have learned what works best - both emotionally and physically - for the other. Sex now is much better in every respect than when we first got together...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

But there's a lot more to what makes "good sex" than technique. In fact, I'd say the good technique is only about 20 percent of what makes hot sex hot. The rest is where the partners are at emotionally.

 

What I'm questioning in this thread is whether a decline in the fequency & quality of sex over time is enevitable. It certainly is common, but is it really a fact one must accept? Is it unreasonable to expect exciting and fullfilling sex on a regular basis with a partner you've been with for 10 years?

[DutchGuy]

I'm only 21 and in a relationship for 3 years but want to say something anyway.

 

The length of the relationship and the age of the people in that relationship, I think, don't matter that much.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I think that if your spouse doesn't want to have sex anymore, it never was that satisfying for her anyway. In an physical and/or emotional way.

The fact that I heard nobody in the previous posts used the term "love making" makes me wonder.

Your wife probably is fed up with sex, but maybe she still wants to make love.

[StayClose]

DutchGuy,

 

Sex can take many forms. It can be emotionally close and tender. This type os often called "making love." It can also be exciting & carnal, or quick or kinky. None of thse are always right or always wrong. I would like my sex life to include a mix of all these styles.

 

At this point, making love would be great for me. It brings couples together, and I do want to feel closer to her. The problem is that she is just not interested, and she's only willing to do the minimum so that I can't say "we're not having sex." She's also telling me this is normal for people who have been together for years.

 

Normal? What does normal mean? Common? Yes. Inevitable and the most one should expect? I don't think so.

[DutchGuy]

DutchGuy,

 

Sex can take many forms. It can be emotionally close and tender. This type os often called "making love." It can also be exciting & carnal, or quick or kinky. None of thse are always right or always wrong. I would like my sex life to include a mix of all these styles.

 

At this point, making love would be great for me. It brings couples together, and I do want to feel closer to her. The problem is that she is just not interested, and she's only willing to do the minimum so that I can't say "we're not having sex." She's also telling me this is normal for people who have been together for years.

 

Normal? What does normal mean? Common? Yes. Inevitable and the most one should expect? I don't think so.

 

I think it's normal in a "she-is-not-ill" kind of way.

But you should not just accept it, because clearly it's not fine by you.

 

Do you cuddle, have romantic dinners, kiss, or anything of that kind?

[Jeffrey]

Married for 13 years this weekend, it's much MUCH better than it used to be in terms of quality.

 

As for Quantity, we go about 3-4 times/week. Yes, it's not every night like it used to be, but I'm more than satisfied, I'm very happy.

[StayClose]

Jeffrey,

 

How do you keep it from getting boring & routine?

[Mr. Lucky]

But there's a lot more to what makes "good sex" than technique. In fact, I'd say the good technique is only about 20 percent of what makes hot sex hot. The rest is where the partners are at emotionally.

 

What I'm questioning in this thread is whether a decline in the fequency & quality of sex over time is enevitable. It certainly is common, but is it really a fact one must accept? Is it unreasonable to expect exciting and fullfilling sex on a regular basis with a partner you've been with for 10 years?

Good points, StayClose, and I tried (probably not very well ) to include that when I said "what works best - both emotionally and physically - for the other". I think a decline in frequency is inevitable. At age 50+, I'm just not an "every night" guy anymore. But I think the quality of your sex life can offset that. Let me put it this way - I wouldn't trade our sex life now for the one we had 20 years ago. Hope that clarifies...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Carnebor]

Sex or lovemaking, quality or quantity, emotional or physical...the mechanical act of intercourse is improved upon by the less tangible qualities of maturity, commitment, patience, and love. They are less tangible but infinitely more important.

 

My wife and I hit a stretch from years 6-10 where sex was routine and infrequent. As a man, I had to be more dialed in to her challenges in the home when I was not there and be more of a player in the domestic stuff when I was. Especially true for women...sex is as much about what's happening outside the bedroom as what's happening in it.

 

I learned my lessons and she learned hers also...and it's been quality for these last years. I hope it works out for you.

[Curmudgeon]

What we may have lost in frequency, we've made up for in quality. We've mastered each other's bodies and know how to satisfy one another.

 

Maturing couples who share a level of trust between them can peak sexually in ways others cannot.

 

Married 10½ years. No children together, thankfully. My wife and I were 48 and 50, respectively, when we got together and married after a five-year friendship.

 

I firmly believe that one of the keys to truly satisfying sex is its meaningfulness which requires a true emotional connection. Anything else is just mechanics! The more the love, the better the sexual expression.

[Curmudgeon]

What I'm questioning in this thread is whether a decline in the fequency & quality of sex over time is enevitable. It certainly is common, but is it really a fact one must accept? Is it unreasonable to expect exciting and fullfilling sex on a regular basis with a partner you've been with for 10 years?

 

The frequency, probably. The quality, only if one or both of you let it. I wouldn't accept it unless there was a medical reason for it.

 

It's not at all unreasonable.

[Till-Andy]

As I've stated in other threads, my wife has told me that because we;ve been together more than 10 years ... I shouldn't expect sex to be "like it was at first,"

As evidence she pointed me to recently discussed surveys that show that a significant percentage of married couples have sex less than 10 times year. She pointed out that we do it more than 10 times a year (probably about 15 times), so I shouldn't complain.

StayClose, take the spear she is pointing at you with, turn it around and tell her, that recent surveys - and this is the truth - show that not only a significant number but more than 60% of all american husbands have or have had an extramarital affair. So she should not complain, if ...

Well, this way you would certainly outperform her strategically. But your problem would be unresolved. This is no way of making a relationship work, your wife's argument neither.

Your question is if it is stringent that loving relationships loose their erotic spell and sexual quality and quantity.

It is regular, but it is not compulsory. As others have pointed out one must assume that your wife never really was interested in sex. It was fine for her as a method of attract you and make you marry her. Even sexually uninterested women can be very horny in that phase, and they are not faking. But when the phase is over sex does not make sense for them any more. Evidently you got hooked by such an examplar. Useless to blame her. It's her nature no bad character. as far as I know - and I've studied a lot of literature on that issue - there a no means to make somebody interested in sex.

But what does that help you? All humans have the right to live their sexuality their way. Your wife her way, and she persists on it, ok, but you your way, too, and you have the right to persist on it, too. If I tried to recommend you to search elsewhere for what she is not able/willing to give you, all female posters in this forum will lunge at me with their pot of tar and a sack of feathers. So I won't do that.

Instead, as you are apparently more interested in making your marriage work and persist than having an affair I would like to recommend you a workshop on love, intimacy and sexuality as offered by the Human Awareness Institue (http://www.hai.org). If possible take your wife with you, but if she refuses go by yourself by all means. It's your right.

Oh I forgot to answer your question personally: I've been in my current relationsship for more than ten years now. Sex has always been great. And is as good and as frequent (if not more) than at the beginning. (our ages: 51 and 67)

[TheMeatloafJuggler]

Do you really have many options?

 

If you go head to head, she can divorce you, take your house and probably more than half your money. Without resources and with increased age, chances of you getting regular sex again is much harder.

 

Sex is really about leverage. I had a woman who really wanted me to ask her to marry her. She was a single mother and she didn't really have that great of a career or job and she was starting to get a bit older. I got sex all the time. I mean all the time. It was her lure to get me to ask her to marry her. But what would have happened if I did? Then she'd have all the leverage. I'd be stuck paying child support for her child no matter what. I'd probably lose my house and get stuck with alimony since I was the bigger earner. I'd pretty much be giving up any reason for her to make any kind of relationship compromise ever again.

 

You can conjure up all kinds of reasons why you aren't getting sex. I can just point out the simplest one. The framework in a modern American marriage pretty much sets it up where there is no incentive for the wife to do anything for her husband, including giving sex. Whether she's a good wife or a bad wife, if she divorces you, she pretty much gets the same overloaded financial package going out the door. So why would she expend the effort to be a good wife when she doesn't have to and will get the same thing anyway?

 

The simplest reason why she's drying up on you is there is no reason not to dry up on you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sex is really about leverage. I had a woman who really wanted me to ask her to marry her. She was a single mother and she didn't really have that great of a career or job and she was starting to get a bit older. I got sex all the time. I mean all the time.

Why not just drop all pretense and go out on the street with a knife or gun? You'll have much more "leverage" with the women you meet and your victims won't be limited to those "starting to get a bit older"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheMeatloafJuggler]

If I'm wrong, why is it that most married men, not all, but most, point out that they tended to get more sex before marriage and not after?

 

Not all men let themselves go. Not all men stop being affectionate. Not all men have a hard time communicating with their wives.

 

There is clear power shift in the relationship when you say "I Do" It's not rocket science, lots of men are hesitant to get married. Marriage rates are dropping and staying low in recent times. If marriage was such a great deal, many men wouldn't hesitate. Some would argue that men don't want to commit under any circumstance, I would argue that many men want children and regular sex and , in theory, getting married is the easiest conduit to that end.

 

Here's real life - people only tend to do what they have to in terms of getting by in life. If a married woman stops having sex, you can list a whole host of reasons, but the simplest is the consequences of giving sex and not giving sex are the same. The reward factor is the same. So why do it if you don't want to do it?

[Mr. Lucky]

but the simplest is the consequences of giving sex and not giving sex are the same.

Are they same for who? Any wife "not giving sex" (what a description ) also deprives herself. Or does your "leverage" theory assume that women don't care about sex?

 

Mr. Lucky