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Heading south fast.....


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heartbroken323

I've posted a long story before about my relationship before, but so much has happened and I am hoping that someone can help me as I am really cracking up again.

 

Been married to my wife 4 years in June. We lived together for 7 months before getting engaged. We both just "knew." She moved 3,000 miles away to be with me. She came to me with virtually nothing. In the course of our relationship I have given her anything & everything she could have wanted or asked for. Because I was working hard to try and get her what she wanted, I was not there for her emotionally all of the time, but she was not there alot for me either as she is a professional athlete and always wrapped up in her career. Since we met through her career, which was in an industry I worked in, we both just let it all go.

 

While I am a very nice guy and do whatever I can for her, while she has not always been the greatest. She has never been an "I love you" type person. She would show me in her lovemaking, however that slowed after we got engaged and has been awful since. Maybe once or twice a month at best, alot of which has to do with the fact that she works out all the time and is always tired.

 

I have a temper and there have been 6-7 incidents where I was not nice to her in public. Not physical by any stretch whatsoever. Some of those instances I did not yell and be mean to her, but I was saying mean things that in my mind were not mean but nice? Obviously I was deranged. The final incident came last May. Afterwards she said I needed to get counselling to fix my problem and I did. I got to the root of the problem and fixed it.

 

We were supposed to go to the counselor together as she has not been the best either, however we both gave up on counseling after we felt better personally. While I worked hard to try and get close to her again, all she did was push me away. I found out that prior to the incident in May she began an emotional affair with a guy to the tune of $2k in cell bills. That ended, however this past March she started talking to him again and I blew up (not in public) but still blew up. The worst of it is that the guy is married & a criminal, been arrested for felony drugs, domestic abuse, you name it. In the course of arguing she tells me that she has been falling out of love with me for years and while she loves me its like she loves me as a brother.

 

After a week or so of deciding weather she even wanted to go to counseling, she set up the appointment. However in the session I find that she still does not know if she wants to even try to love me again. She paints me as this terrible person who is controlling and stuff. But I'm not! I don't see why its wrong to expect a text back or call back at 2 AM when she is out with her friends. I don't see why it's wrong to expect a text or call when she is going to be late from work, especially since I am waiting for her to eat dinner. She does not "get" any of it and is totally self absorbed in her career and her work. Speaking of such, my contacts within the industry have been instrumental in her career to the point that most don't think she would be anywhere in the sport without me. As for her job, she works at a place in which I bought for her, I outfitted with equipment and I paid the rent when there was not enought money coming in. Why? Because it was her dream to have a place like this.

 

She is my soulmate and I have no doubt. I am bitter about alot but once I put that aside in order to try and make this work, I see her in a light that just enhances her beauty and what she means to me. I have tried writing love letters, nothing. Today she says she wants to seperate and I am so devastated. I don't know what to do. I am at work and I cannot leave because I called in too many days when the initial "I'm not in love with you" came about. Even during this time, we get along great & hang out all the time. She is my best friend in the whole world. I opened my life, family & friends to her to the point where I will be left with a miserable, lonely existence without her. She is my everything. If I lose her I have no idea what I will do. I am not good with women, it was sheer luck (I think fate) that we met. I will never find another like her. The worst is that her sport is my life, it has been since I was 13 years old, if I lose her I don't think I can ever do, watch or participate in it at all. I will be losing everything.

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My heart goes out to you. You say she wants to separate. What does this exactly mean? Just that she needs some space to think? Are you still going to go to MC together to work on the marriage? If it's just that she needs to think on her own for a while, then please respect that and let her do it. And be very, very kind and gentle with yourself.

 

It sounds like her "thing" with the guy, who is obviously an inapropriate partner, was just a way for her to escape and find something that might be lacking in the marriage, but this is just my guess.

 

Check out the site marraigebuilders.com

 

You'll get lots of good advice from the wise people here on LS. Keep posting, and take care... I'll send my best vibes your way.

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She is my soulmate and I have no doubt. I am bitter about alot but once I put that aside in order to try and make this work, I see her in a light that just enhances her beauty and what she means to me. I have tried writing love letters, nothing. Today she says she wants to seperate and I am so devastated. I don't know what to do. I am at work and I cannot leave because I called in too many days when the initial "I'm not in love with you" came about. Even during this time, we get along great & hang out all the time. She is my best friend in the whole world. I opened my life, family & friends to her to the point where I will be left with a miserable, lonely existence without her. She is my everything. If I lose her I have no idea what I will do. I am not good with women, it was sheer luck (I think fate) that we met. I will never find another like her. The worst is that her sport is my life, it has been since I was 13 years old, if I lose her I don't think I can ever do, watch or participate in it at all. I will be losing everything.

 

dude, sounds like you are in a bad place. The good news is that things are never as bad as they seem. That's for sure. If it happens that you and your wife get divorced than believe it or not you will get through it and survive. Perhaps even meet another person that does fulfill your needs.

 

However, you are wanting advice on how to save this marriage. It seems that you are taking responsibility for some of your actions and flaws but you may still not have identified what she thinks she is lacking in your relationship. You need that information ! Evidentally, she thinks that the grass is greener somewhere else and has even acted upon it. I am going through something similar right now with my wife, just not quite as dramatic or serious. It's tough to imagine us not being married but in the end I know that all I can do is be the best husband that I can be. I can only fix my issues, not hers. I would suggest the same mindset for you. Let her know by your actions that you are trying to be a better mate and partner. It may not be what you want to hear but it's the cold hard truth - she is either going to recognize that and decide to work on the marriage or she is going to move on. If you feel that you have honestly done your part to manage your issues than you will not have to bear the burden of guilt. It takes two people to be in any relationship, especially a marriage. She needs to respect you as her husband and a big part of that is NOT carryong on another inappriopriate relationship with another person. Good luck and be strong. Things truly do happen for a reason. Sometimes that reason is hard to stomach though.

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heartbroken323

Thank you both so much for your advice. I asked my wife to stay at the house in our spare bedroom as our dog, who is like our child, was all jumpy the night before when she stayed somewhere else. Every noise the dog heard she thought my wife was home. But in doing so, I did my best to give her space as she wants seperation. So, I said hello and she went upstairs and watched TV and I went downstairs and watched TV. It helped that I got quite drunk as that kept me down there and helped me resist the urges to talk to her. Also, I had written a nice love letter yesterday and I opted not to give it to her as I guess it would just add to the problem and not help it. I wish I could look at this like "things happen for a reason" but it's so hard. I guess if we make it through this, our relationship will be stronger and better, however it's tough to see any light at the end of the tunnel so it's hard to even imagine this not ending with me miserable and alone. Thank you both so much again! Forums like this really do help.

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I empathize with you and agree that a good counselor is critical if you're going to work things out.

 

If we were face to face, man to man, I'd tell you that a woman who puts at jeopardy financial security and the certainty of having her 'own man' to tryst with a potentially abusive addictive felon is making a statement. She may be saying "I don't know how to tell you what I need from this relationship but I know I'm not getting it."

 

This isn't your fault but you do have a responsibility, with a counselor's help, to work through that with her. I would also say to you that, regardless of how this works out, you need to own your sense of value. If she walks away tonight without turning back to acknowledge your contribution in her life, generations have lived and died to make a contribution to the life you live today. You may have given her the keys to your house and your heart. Don't ever give a human the keys to your soul. Everything else is rebuildable and replaceable.

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Hi again. You said that you were "quite drunk" when your ex came over. Is this a habit of yours, or was it an unusual thing?

 

I was never a big drinker untill a few months ago shortly after my ex broke up with me. Then I just started doing it every day to numb out. It's the worst thing I could have done, and I stopped because it scared me. It also made me more depressed at a time when I have just needed to be my strongest and heal, and see clearly. Stopping it for the time being has made such a difference in my progress getting through this, though it's been tough to face the pain at times "unmedicated' by alchohol. But facing it has been good.

 

Anyhow, maybe you just did it that one night, but I just wanted to tell you what drinking too much did to me.

 

As for your dog, I know... we have a dog that we both love, and it's been really hard on him. Plus dogs pick up on how upset you are. That will probably settle down. Is there any way she can keep the dog sometimes, too?

 

Anyhow, I'm sending my best vibes your way. Take care, OK?

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