Some women don't know just how lucky they really are

[Very_Confused]

Some women out there just don't realize how very lucky they are to have husbands who love them and care enough about their relationship to do whatever it takes to make things work, if possible.

 

There are so many men on LS that put everything they have into recognizing and trying to resolve problems in the relationship by posting here, MC and IC and reading books.

 

I just wanted to say bravo to you men who care enough to do something about it rather than closing your eyes and pretending that it doesn't exist, whether that's working it out or deciding to move on. If I could knock some sense into your wives I would gladly do so. I would love to be as lucky as they are.

[EnigmasMuse]

I agree that some women just don't know how good they have it.

 

The same can be said for men as well. Some men do not know how good they have it too, that they have a wife who wants to work on the relationship, and will do whatever it takes to make sure that the relationship is healthy, and happy.

[Very_Confused]

I agree that some women just don't know how good they have it.

 

The same can be said for men as well. Some men do not know how good they have it too, that they have a wife who wants to work on the relationship, and will do whatever it takes to make sure that the relationship is healthy, and happy.

 

Oh, I definitely agree with you there EM. I should have said "some people just don't know how lucky they really are".

 

As a woman who isn't as lucky I definitely envy those wives who are. And my husband certainly doesn't consider himself lucky that I care enough to try to work things out, it just makes me more of a nuisance to him.

[JackJack]

I'm sorry VC that you don't feel appreaciated or that you feel you are thought of as a nuisence by your man. Its men like that, I want to go up and shake, and say, "wake up man, don't you see what you've got right infront of you."

 

Unfortunatly, I doubt it would make a difference to some anyway. Thats really sad too.

[Guest]

I'm sorry VC that you don't feel appreaciated or that you feel you are thought of as a nuisence by your man. Its men like that, I want to go up and shake, and say, "wake up man, don't you see what you've got right infront of you."

 

Unfortunatly, I doubt it would make a difference to some anyway. Thats really sad too.

 

Jack Jack - replying for first time ever. When someone doesn't appreciate you, mimics you, doesn't have respect for you, how do you know what they mean when they do stuff like that? What is their message by treating someone like that?

[kunfused]

I'm sorry VC that you don't feel appreaciated or that you feel you are thought of as a nuisence by your man. Its men like that, I want to go up and shake, and say, "wake up man, don't you see what you've got right infront of you."

 

Unfortunatly, I doubt it would make a difference to some anyway. Thats really sad too.

 

 

Jack Jack - first time posting here.... What is it about men that do this to their wives? Any insight you have on why men do this would be appreciated.

[kunfused]

Oh, I definitely agree with you there EM. I should have said "some people just don't know how lucky they really are".

 

As a woman who isn't as lucky I definitely envy those wives who are. And my husband certainly doesn't consider himself lucky that I care enough to try to work things out, it just makes me more of a nuisance to him.

 

VC - just started posting today, basically finding today's posts that are "hitting" home to me.... I think you and are are in similar "type" relationships where the man is a dink and we continue to hang around.....

I'll look back at your posts to see where you are at.... more will come.

[a4a]

Jack Jack - first time posting here.... What is it about men that do this to their wives? Any insight you have on why men do this would be appreciated.

 

They are just inconsiderate sots. No real cause, they do so because they can and will not learn to do anything differently. They really do not see any fault in their actions....... so why correct it? Afterall the whole world thinks just like they do..... their needs are the same needs as others have- at least in their mind. I think it really boils down to having zero empathy and being selfish and unwilling to look at things with an open mind.

 

This goes for a husband or a wife.

 

It is a total waste of time to try to get them to see the light.

[kunfused]

They are just inconsiderate sots. No real cause, they do so because they can and will not learn to do anything differently. They really do not see any fault in their actions....... so why correct it? Afterall the whole world thinks just like they do..... their needs are the same needs as others have- at least in their mind. I think it really boils down to having zero empathy and being selfish and unwilling to look at things with an open mind.

 

This goes for a husband or a wife.

 

It is a total waste of time to try to get them to see the light.

 

So, I can agree with everything that you posted here.... is there a way to cope with this? We are on week 2 of separation. Got into it last night for the first time..... only communicating for the kids right now... Even when we have been away from one another, whatever he does is the right thing to do and I'm the one that isn't understanding, or supporting....

I'm sick of it, but I'm holding on for a few reasons......

[JackJack]

So, I can agree with everything that you posted here.... is there a way to cope with this? We are on week 2 of separation. Got into it last night for the first time..... only communicating for the kids right now... Even when we have been away from one another, whatever he does is the right thing to do and I'm the one that isn't understanding, or supporting....

I'm sick of it, but I'm holding on for a few reasons......

 

Some questions you might want to ask yourself are;

 

*Do you feel he is willing to try to change his behavior?

*Have you both been to counseling at all? Do you feel that is even an option for him?

 

 

I do think some people can change but they have to really want to and really want to work on themselves and the marriage. If you feel he is not willing to do any of that, then its best to call it quits. Don't stay for the kids, I know you might think thats a good thing to do, but really it hurts them more in the long run. They know when things are not working between their parents.

[kunfused]

Some questions you might want to ask yourself are;

 

*Do you feel he is willing to try to change his behavior?

*Have you both been to counseling at all? Do you feel that is even an option for him?

 

 

I do think some people can change but they have to really want to and really want to work on themselves and the marriage. If you feel he is not willing to do any of that, then its best to call it quits. Don't stay for the kids, I know you might think thats a good thing to do, but really it hurts them more in the long run. They know when things are not working between their parents.

 

He is giving me mixed messages right now. Saying he doesn't have hope, but doesn't know if he has desire. He and I have been to very limited counseling, of which he didn't really work on much. Since then, I have realized that I also need to be working on things and have continued to go to counseling. He said last night that he will "think about" going again. When I asked him if he was just saying that to get me off the phone, he said 1/2 and 1/2.

[a4a]

So, I can agree with everything that you posted here.... is there a way to cope with this? We are on week 2 of separation. Got into it last night for the first time..... only communicating for the kids right now... Even when we have been away from one another, whatever he does is the right thing to do and I'm the one that isn't understanding, or supporting....

I'm sick of it, but I'm holding on for a few reasons......

 

NO there is no way to get him to see the light. You either choose to live with it the way it is or move on.

 

You can only change yourself and he can only change himself. If he is not willing to then it simply will not happen.

 

Life is too short .

[a4a]

He is giving me mixed messages right now. Saying he doesn't have hope, but doesn't know if he has desire. He and I have been to very limited counseling, of which he didn't really work on much. Since then, I have realized that I also need to be working on things and have continued to go to counseling. He said last night that he will "think about" going again. When I asked him if he was just saying that to get me off the phone, he said 1/2 and 1/2.

 

At least he is honest

 

He is clearly stating that he is maybe interested in change.... but probably not.

 

Move on and work on you.

[Trialbyfire]

I think it depends on the issues, whether it's worth working on the marriage or not.

 

If you look at men that stray, there's something broken inside of them, where they look to others to create happiness for them. Instead of fixing what's broken inside of them and fixing the issues within the marriage, if there are any, they look externally to get these needs met. Me over you and the needs of the marriage.

[Very_Confused]

I'm sorry VC that you don't feel appreaciated or that you feel you are thought of as a nuisence by your man. Its men like that, I want to go up and shake, and say, "wake up man, don't you see what you've got right infront of you."

 

Unfortunatly, I doubt it would make a difference to some anyway. Thats really sad too.

 

Thanks Jack. I'm afraid it's to the point now where my only options are learning to live with it or calling it quits.

 

I've tried for the past 5 years to get him to talk to me, he only gets angry and switches to one particular subject that keeps coming back up over and over again that we just can't resolve. I tried getting him to read HNHN and T5LL and he wouldn't. I asked him repeatedly to go with me to see a MC and he outright refused. I considered going alone and even made calls to set up an appointment but realized I knew what the outcome would be of my going alone and decided to try talking to him myself one more time. I've asked him if he would feel more comfortable talking in writing and he declined. He refuses any and all of it.

 

The subject that keeps coming up in every single discussion we have, and eventually turns it into an argument, is where we will live. We could have been disagreeing on what to watch on tv and it will somehow turn into how I am selfish and wrong for not wanting the same things he wants. He wants to move out to the country and I do not. On his part it is non-negotiable. As for me, I do not want to but I just might be willing to consider it if other things were better and I felt more secure in our relationship. I have told him this but he refuses to listen to anything I say. We just spent yet another weekend arguing about this very subject. The difference this time was when he tried to shut me up he said "oh no, not the touchy feely stuff again, I get so sick of it". That might not sound like much to most people but for some reason it hit me very hard this time. I don't know why, the wording may have been different but it's nothing he hasn't implied before.

 

So, if he won't talk to me in person, won't read any books, won't see a marriage counselor, won't talk to me in writing, I'm not sure what else I can do other than to give up.

 

Like I said, some people don't know just how lucky they are.

[4whatItsWorth]

You can only change yourself and he can only change himself. If he is not willing to then it simply will not happen.

 

Life is too short .

 

Amen to that...people won't change unless they want to or see enough reason to do so e.g. life threatening...

 

Also, VC am so sorry for what you're going through. Hope your husband will open his eyes before it's too late.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Some women out there just don't realize how very lucky they are to have husbands who love them and care enough about their relationship to do whatever it takes to make things work, if possible.

 

There are so many men on LS that put everything they have into recognizing and trying to resolve problems in the relationship by posting here, MC and IC and reading books.

 

I just wanted to say bravo to you men who care enough to do something about it rather than closing your eyes and pretending that it doesn't exist, whether that's working it out or deciding to move on. If I could knock some sense into your wives I would gladly do so. I would love to be as lucky as they are.

 

Mad people are like that, taking others for granted. But sometimes it's human nature for others to be stupid. like cognitive dissonance and my favorite. He beats me but I still love him.

 

I dont get it either. my ex left me for her ex who constantly cheated on her. I dont know Y either the sex was better because within the four months we was dating I didnt get a chance to lay the pipe. or she still had feelings for him which she admitted to me at the end. But you know what happened, he cheated again!!! and she felt so stupid afterwards.

 

I dont think any man can respect a woman like that.

[Woggle]

Some people in general don't appreciate what they have. You saw my thread about my wife's friends who was cheated on by her husband and I truly don't understand how a man can cheat on a woman that many men would love to have. My wife cheated on me with some sleazy guido who smelled like onions all the time so I am starting to think that cheaters have something happen in their brain that turns all logic and reason off.

[lonelybird]

Little devil "self-destructive tendency" in their brain that turns all logic and reason off.

 

People love the familiar (little devil) rather than love a real person. they fear anything unfamiliar. Familiar things or people seem are their safety shelter, but in reality, these familiar things do harm more than good.

[JackJack]

Some people in general don't appreciate what they have. You saw my thread about my wife's friends who was cheated on by her husband and I truly don't understand how a man can cheat on a woman that many men would love to have. My wife cheated on me with some sleazy guido who smelled like onions all the time so I am starting to think that cheaters have something happen in their brain that turns all logic and reason off.

 

 

I agree with what Woggle said about some people in general don't appreicate what they have. I think if some people do not appreciate what they have in their lives, and I'm talking about even when growing up into adulthood even before they get into serious realtionships, then you sure can't expect them to appreciate a relationship when they get into one.

[a4a]

I agree with what Woggle said about some people in general don't appreicate what they have. I think if some people do not appreciate what they have in their lives, and I'm talking about even when growing up into adulthood even before they get into serious realtionships, then you sure can't expect them to appreciate a relationship when they get into one.

 

very good point.

[Woggle]

Right now we are dealing with the children of the me generation who don't appreciate anything they have. The Me generation was raised by the World War 2 and 60s generations. Their parents suffered through war depression, Vietnam, race riots, social upheaval and many other hardships so they wanted to make aure their children never had to struggle but in the end they ended up turning their children into spoiled brats who never appreciated a thing they had and were incapable of dealing with basic human relationships so the divorce rate skyrocketed and society became much more materialistic and superficial. Now today we have the children of this me generation and they messed up beyind belief. They have everything handed to them but are emotionally empty so they always want more and more but the more they get the more unhappy they are. I cringe to think what the children of this generation will turn out like.

[Very_Confused]

People love the familiar (little devil) rather than love a real person. they fear anything unfamiliar. Familiar things or people seem are their safety shelter, but in reality, these familiar things do harm more than good.

 

My signature use to be:

"you are lonely and you miss the little parts of your life that you had gotten use to. I'm a habit. I'm the person you have talked to and confided in for the last 10 years of your life. I am the person you have shared the everyday things with, good and bad. Being with me is better than being alone. Well I won't settle for that, not anymore."

 

I think that pretty much sums up the reason why he is still here. He doesn't seem to like me very much unless I am being what he considers cooperative (mindlessly agreeing and quietly doing whatever he wants). Unfortunately for him, he chose to marry a very independent woman with thoughts and opinions of her own. A trait that he claimed to admire while we were dating. I guess he changed his mind.

 

This past weekend he got mad at me because I was cleaning house Saturday and he wanted to go shopping for a new grill. Now here I was, in sweats and a t-shirt, with my hair pulled back, looking like a bum basically since I had been cleaning for several hours before he even got up. So, I told him I would go later in the day when I was finished. He asked when that would be and I said I didn't know, probably mid-afternoon since I was mixing in a little spring cleaning with the normal stuff. Of course it blew up and turned into the usual fight. I couldn't believe it. He was mad at me for cleaning house! Well, when that didn't work at getting me to do what he wanted he played his guilt card. He said he had planned for us to take our son to the matinee right after lunch (news to me as I stood there smelling like bathroom cleaner and pine-sol). I told him they could go while I cleaned or we could all go together on Sunday. That wasn't good enough. It had to be when and how he wanted it. Needless to say, it just went south from there. He said some hurtful things, including that he wished he worked seven days a week so he didn't have to deal with me. Sunday morning after his shower, he left without a word and came back with a new grill. Later that afternoon we all went to the matinee. Once he got both things he wanted he brushed it all aside, acted like none of it ever happened. Typical. But his uncooperative wife doesn't get over things that easily.

 

Now don't get me wrong, we can have good days sometimes. As long as I keep my mouth shut about anything that bothers me and pretend that we are the happy little couple. If I leave him alone and don't ask him to do anything, if I agree and don't question anything he says or does, if I act as oblivious as he is then things can be quite good.

[Very_Confused]

My husband has ED, brought on due to medical reasons. He has medicine prescribed by his doctor but refuses to use it. His firm opinion is that IT (not the meds) doesn't work so why bother. As a result, he has completely removed all other forms of intimacy and affection from our relationship. I am suppose to be quiet and accept it.

 

I am not suppose to have feelings, much less talk about them. I am suppose to be the dutiful wife and cook, clean, take care of the kids and house, work full-time, be his sounding board, etc. I am suppose to give up a house that I worked hard for and move with him to the country to one that he will own and where I don't even want to live, leaving me with nothing if he gets tired of being married. I am suppose to give up the security and reliability of my own job because he wants to start his own business and wants me to help him.

 

This is the life he thinks I should happily and enthusiastically agree to, one devoid of affection and full of worry. Gives me alot to look forward to. He is delusional. And I am an idiot.

[Salicious Crumb]

Some women out there just don't realize how very lucky they are to have husbands who love them and care enough about their relationship to do whatever it takes to make things work, if possible.

 

There are so many men on LS that put everything they have into recognizing and trying to resolve problems in the relationship by posting here, MC and IC and reading books.

 

I just wanted to say bravo to you men who care enough to do something about it rather than closing your eyes and pretending that it doesn't exist, whether that's working it out or deciding to move on. If I could knock some sense into your wives I would gladly do so. I would love to be as lucky as they are.

 

My wife didn't know how good she had it until after I found out she cheated.

 

Not a thing I wouldn't do for her, took her feelings, needs and wants into consideration..and always put her desires ahead of my own. There are too many things that I sacrificed to make her happy.

 

Boy was I played for a fool. She is really missing what she had.

Now I am looking out for #1 and putting my needs first for a change.

 

But there are a few people on her that would tell us men that put all of our heart and souls into our marriage and family that we didn't do enough, in essence saying that if we bent over backwards to make our spouses happy, it wasn't enough because our back didn't break.

 

But then again...those comments come from the cheaters themselves with their sense of entitlement. Not every little "need" of theirs was met...so their solution? Betray the one they claim to love.

 

Now to be fair though..there are alot of men out there that don't realize what a great woman they have either.....when you get a woman that is faithful and loving...you keep it in your f#cking pants guys and only give it up to your wife!! You don't know what you have got...believe me..I know, because i'd give anything to have that!