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Committed men/ porn gesture and your thoughts???


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Hey there!

a while back I started a thread about men/committed men/ and porn. I was surprised at the honest and most of the time sincere posters responses; alas the reason I am here again.

Not to hash out the porn debate but to ask what the committed men think or how they would feel about a pending gesture I am considering.

 

I am still a woman who finds porn quite repugnant; esp in a committed relationship. I also have a partner who is a bit younger than me and who has in the past cheated on me. ( I won't hash out the whole hx again) but yes, we have worked out our R and it is a good one. We are long distance now as well for about another 6 months and then we will at least be within an hour of each other. I am divorced with teens so family needs are priority. He and I have been together for over 6 yrs (inc. time apart during R issues).

 

He is a man with a very high libido and it is a good thing I have one too so we are at least very physical with each other and experiemental in bed (no third parties tho--ever)

We see each other every weekend.

We have made our own lover's videos

he has porn dvds.

He used to want me to watch with him but after the cheating thing, I could not.. it feels like a different confirmation of that. I tolerated the porn before then but never liked it and actually would be turned off by them.

 

but, he is not with me everyday and I have had to understand his needs and prefer that to a real ONS.

I finally got around, after much stress, to letting him know my feelings about it and how it affects me and tho he isn't good about "talks" he backed off alot. He is not a I-net pron junkie at all and has only dvds at home out in the open.

 

long story made short, I, during my stressful time with all of this, trashed a couple of his dvds(not the couple ones) (but the ones that left me feeling even more unattractive, old and ugly((I am in my 40's and althought am in shape; I am not and never can be a hot 20 yo ever again) I had seen a few and looked at a few on my own and trashed the ones' I found offensive and hurtful to me.

 

I am not proud of it, but it at least let me feel more eased and he never even said anything about them. so please don't criticize my action.. it was a bit of an invasion, but it was either my mental wellbeing or them and the fall -out in our R.

 

Well, he threw out some of the old ones recently in his second permanent move and still hasn't pulled out our own movies.

but, his bday is around the corner and I thought, I would along with many other wonderful gifts, give him a porn dvd of my choosing. (selfish in a sense as I know he will be less likely to go out and buy a new one again very soon if i get him one)

so I did some investigation and found that there are a few erotic/porns geared toward real sex and real people ; the one I got is Marie and Jack, basically a married couple making love and not the plastic, made-up, fake aooh and ahhh close up shots of the other kinds (IMHO--gross porn).

 

I at least thought if he has to look at least this is more about erotic love and like our own movies; if he has to look at another woman at least she is more real and genuine in-love with her hsuband.

I keep thinking he doesn't look at our videos anymore because it is boring to be with me and look at me too. Althougth, the idea of him being aroused by other women is very very difficult for me to reconcile....as I am a very loyal, faithful and only fantasize aobut my man kind of partner.

 

anyway, I was thinking of giving this dvd to him and also a new glass dildo for our mutual fun --"yeah!!":love:

 

but was wondering how the committed men would react to such a gesture if it was your SO.???

 

I am trying very very hard to be understanding, to tolerate, to try not to get all in a tizzy about him being a man and how porn fits into his life.(even tho I still am always left feeling sad and dissapointed when I know he has used it--I am always left feeling uglier, less attractive, not pretty, not beautiful in body and I so am aware of my bodily flaws and imperfections)**:(

 

(**Irony is that we go to nude beaches in the summer and there ,I usually don't feel this way as the REAL people come in all colors --shapes, sizes and nuacnes older and younger (although his gander a hot woman always gets my hairs on end) it is still a non sexual environment and much more about real people being more free.)

 

I actually do see, that his porn use and needs have diminished significantly over the years (no more cable , no more mags, only the handful or so dvds and that is it.)

so, anyway, your thoughts ????

 

thanks bunches!

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My thoughts...

 

Unless you are living together or getting together for sex two or more times a week, you can't fault him for using porn when you're not around, provided he still performs well when he's with you.

 

What porn works is a very individual thing. Trying to dictate what porn he should or shouldn't use when he's by himself goes over the line in dictating his own behavoir. Don't worry that you don't look the the female performers. You have the advantage over them that you are REAL and that the sex you have with him is REAL sex and that it can be different every time.

 

The reason he doesn't use the videos the two you made is because porn "wears out" after a short number of viewings and won't have the same effect. When you are having REAL sex with him, it is possible to make it a new and exciting experience every time.

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SydneyHeart

My husband can't bear those 'couple' porn movies. He says he's not watching for a story line! He would be less than impressed if I got him one of those - that would be like him giving me a DVD of Star Wars...

 

Honestly, I don't even think he feels a need for those movies to be longer than about 5 minutes total! Less if it's 2 women! A married couple movie? Heck, he's prob gonna fall asleep!

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portableversion

i suggest you go to no-porn.com

 

Read what they have to say.

 

And then re-evaluate your 'tolerance' towards this garbage in your relationship.

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There are generally two types of porn guys. Those who are addicted to it and choose it over real sex with their SO and those who just like it from time to time b/c they love watching naked women (or men if that's your cup of tea :sick: ). You have to find out which camp your husband is in but it sounds like you already know.

 

I love my wife and think she is absolutely beautiful (and she is). I find her incredibly sexy and am completely into her when we are intimate. Unfortunately we aren't intimate as much as I would like so I also look at porn from time to time. FYI, we have 3 young kids. Nuff said. Sometimes a guy just is feeling horny and needs a "release". Doesn't affect the relationship until you become addicted or overly-idulgent.

 

There is another issue though. Regularly watching porn with your SO should only happen if both people enjoy that sort of thing. It sounds like you would rather not watch it at all b/c it gives you self-esteem issues, etc. My wife is not into porn at all. We tried it once at a hotel that we stayed at a few years back. She was curious and wanted to explore that. It was awkward at first but we ended up having some pretty good sex afterwards. For me the porn was like adding octane to your fuel tank but for her it didn't really play a factor. She wasn't a big fan so we never have done it since. I'm cool with that b/c I wouldn't want her feeling uncomfortable with it and moreover, feeling inadequate b/c of these silicon queens that have bodies as tight as a crab's a**. He should be understanding of that and make a committment to not watch porn before or during sex, IMO.

 

Lastly, as far as the glass dildo, rock on girl ! If my wife gave me that for a gift (especially along with porn) I would take her hand and run straight for the bedroom :love: .

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Unless you are living together or getting together for sex two or more times a week, you can't fault him for using porn when you're not around, provided he still performs well when he's with you.

 

What porn works is a very individual thing. Trying to dictate what porn he should or shouldn't use when he's by himself goes over the line in dictating his own behavoir. Don't worry that you don't look the the female performers. You have the advantage over them that you are REAL and that the sex you have with him is REAL sex and that it can be different every time.

 

The reason he doesn't use the videos the two you made is because porn "wears out" after a short number of viewings and won't have the same effect. When you are having REAL sex with him, it is possible to make it a new and exciting experience every time.

 

Thanks Stayclose; I do hope for it not to be about dictating his choices, but more about the need for mutual R "putting the best interest of the R" first.

and yes, we don't live together and can't be with each other as much as we would like so I try to understand the "need"

 

but, the concept of them "wearing out" doens't seem to hold much water in this situation, as he uses the same dvds over and over and over again, so I don't get why it doesn't work for our videos too.?!

 

and as for REAL, yup that is true, I am real and totally into him; pron will never ever give that... but at the same time, they are real in the sense that they are still women doing this. I quess, its the fine line between really knowing that they are only real as people but not very real as women you would want to ever care to be with.

 

 

My husband can't bear those 'couple' porn movies. He says he's not watching for a story line! He would be less than impressed if I got him one of those - that would be like him giving me a DVD of Star Wars...

 

Honestly, I don't even think he feels a need for those movies to be longer than about 5 minutes total! Less if it's 2 women! A married couple movie? Heck, he's prob gonna fall asleep!

 

yeah thanks, I get that idea and thought about that as well, but the one I picked out is still a porn, the couple are actually or were a married porn couple and it still has close up action options so maybe it won't be a sleeper....

it is still about the gesture though and not just about the type of dvd.

 

There are generally two types of porn guys. Those who are addicted to it and choose it over real sex with their SO and those who just like it from time to time b/c they love watching naked women (or men if that's your cup of tea :sick: ). You have to find out which camp your husband is in but it sounds like you already know.

 

I love my wife and think she is absolutely beautiful (and she is). I find her incredibly sexy and am completely into her when we are intimate. Unfortunately we aren't intimate as much as I would like so I also look at porn from time to time. FYI, we have 3 young kids. Nuff said. Sometimes a guy just is feeling horny and needs a "release". Doesn't affect the relationship until you become addicted or overly-idulgent.

 

There is another issue though. Regularly watching porn with your SO should only happen if both people enjoy that sort of thing. It sounds like you would rather not watch it at all b/c it gives you self-esteem issues, etc. My wife is not into porn at all. We tried it once at a hotel that we stayed at a few years back. She was curious and wanted to explore that. It was awkward at first but we ended up having some pretty good sex afterwards. For me the porn was like adding octane to your fuel tank but for her it didn't really play a factor. She wasn't a big fan so we never have done it since. I'm cool with that b/c I wouldn't want her feeling uncomfortable with it and moreover, feeling inadequate b/c of these silicon queens that have bodies as tight as a crab's a**. He should be understanding of that and make a committment to not watch porn before or during sex, IMO.

 

Lastly, as far as the glass dildo, rock on girl ! If my wife gave me that for a gift (especially along with porn) I would take her hand and run straight for the bedroom :love: .

 

gotta tell you Grapeape; you made me smile:D

fortunately he is not addicted!!!! and I do think he uses it as a masturbatory tool more than anything else.

 

and yes, I wasn't planning on watching this with him. I am very uncomfortable with them and they reak havoc on my sense of self and my sense of being a sexual woman. I thought tho ,maybe one day, as this one seems mcuh more like what we share,( with options for close up and more hardcore stuff) and if I had enough to drink maybe oneday, I would do so, just to try it out with him and see ---- with the understanding that the remote is in hand and it gets turned off if I don't like it.

He had made a committment since I shared my feelings with him and has not put one if before of during ever since.; and only to his benefit; because if I feel good and loved and respected and not like an object option based upon porn --then he gets alllllllllllllll the rewards and it then becomes a mutual passion!

 

"tight as a crab's a$$" that is funny, nver heard that one b-4:p

 

and kudos to you as a man, a husband and partner!!!!!! Your wife is very lucky!

I get the sense that even tho she has had 3 youngins, and you have watched porn, you have not let that mar your view and love of her. You still see her as beautiful; as she is REAL and soooooo much more a woman than any porn queen can ever ever be.

I can't begin to express how important that is to women! Especially thses days where the standards of beauty are soooooo unrealistic in the media, in porn, the internet; I wonder if the young men growing up are ever going to want a real woman since they are being soo brainwashed. (as are the women viewing the media and what their partners are looking at too)

 

so my hats off to you!!!! remember to tell her how beautiful she is, I bet, that with some sleep and a little cuddle, she may respond with a little more nookie for you.

 

as for the glass dildo---- can't wait for us to give it a try....

hopefully ; when the kids get bigger; I know how that can get challenging, the glass dildo will be waiting for you when you get home:rolleyes:

 

 

thanks for your message; it is more about the gesture, the hopes for greater intimacy and for a smile, a laugh and fun together. I am hoping whether he likes it or not, he will get some understanding of what I am trying to do; to be as best a partner, lover, friend and woman as I can be and for there to be mutual understanding, respect for each other, our needs and our R.

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Men don't usually tend to "fantasize" when they are getting their rocks off. They seem to need a visual stimulant where as women, in my experience just need thought up fantasies. Hey, sometimes i need porn to get off to, when for any reason can't have sex with my bf.

 

I think if i were in a LDR, i would be reassured that my bf is using porn as a sexual release, instead of going out to find real action elsewhere.

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Men don't usually tend to "fantasize" when they are getting their rocks off. They seem to need a visual stimulant where as women, in my experience just need thought up fantasies. Hey, sometimes i need porn to get off to, when for any reason can't have sex with my bf.

 

I think if i were in a LDR, i would be reassured that my bf is using porn as a sexual release, instead of going out to find real action elsewhere.

 

hey; true for me, I only think-fantasize about my guy when I get horny for him...

as for guys; not fantasizing --I dunno; read my old thread about the men's questionairrre--- alot of them responded to fantasizing that they were with the porn chick.... so maybe some many some not.

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