Saying He Wants to 'Sort Out His Life' First

[AmyInMichigan]

Hi Everyone -

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We've grown close, but he is still apprehensive about getting serious. He does consistently make time to call and go out on quality dates together, but he has yet to say "I Love You" (didn't grow up in a family that used those words).

 

He's been searching for a new job, and keeps saying that he just needs to 'sort out his life (i.e. career') before he can make any commitment.

 

My thought is, if you love someone, it shouldn't matter where you live - love is love.

 

Anyway, he just seems to be more focused on his career move, and I'm concerned that he's just going to skate once he finds a new job. I'll just be a mere memory of his time here.

 

He stopped dropping hints about how I might like the new location (initially asked how I might living in "ABC" City). So, this means he probably isn't considering making the move TOGETHER.

 

I can't help feeling like this has become a relationship of convenience. I'm good for the companionship, but nothing else.

 

Lately, he's thrown a new line into the mix: "I don't think I want to get married, and now I definitely don't think I want to have kids. Maybe I am just better off alone."

 

This came just on the heels of a pregnancy scare we had.

 

This past week, he's been really abrupt (almost dismissive in his tone) toward me, and is preoccupied with this job change. I'm really beginning to feel alienated. Yesterday, when I asked if he had even considered asking me to move with him, he actually hung up on me!

 

I'm trying to be understanding of his position (frightened/freaked out).

 

Do you think this behavior is just part of his personality (scared, therefore pushing me away) and I should just be patient, or should I take the hint that he really DOES want to be alone (in other words, a guy who's now simply coming to terms with - and revealing - his true feelings)?

 

I'm 37 and want kids, so I really don't have time to screw around. When we began dating and I asked his intentions, he initially told me that marriage and kids were a definite possibility. Now, it sounds like he's really frightened about the prospect and having the responsibility of it all come true.

 

This guy is 35, and I'm only his third girlfriend - ever. In my case, I've had a slew of boyfriends (both casual dating and serious long term deals). Basically, he's where most of us were in high school (dating experience-wise).

 

P.S.

I recently discovered that, while I was living overseas in my childhood, I contracted a chronic disease (is sexually transmissible). He knows about it (has been vaccinated). I guess I'm not looking forward to facing how guys might react to the fact that I am infectious. Never been through the dating scene with this knowledge. (Luckily, none of my past partners have contracted it!).

 

Thanks much for your insight and help.

[katiebour]

Dear Amy,

 

My current b/f says something similar about marriage- he wants to finish college first, and then "take that next step." I'm 27 and he's 31, and we both made it clear from the get-go that we WANTED to get married in the future.

 

My ex also said the same thing- that it was "a possibility." It was one of our main fighting topics prior to the breakup.

 

The difference for me is that I know my current b/f WANTS to get married- he has been engaged twice in the past (the girls broke it off before the wedding.)

 

My ex is getting married in September to his current girlfriend (after only a year!) the scum lol. I can laugh about it now, but believe me, I was very hurt when I found out that after a 3 year relationship with me, he wasn't ready "for the plunge," but after 1 year with this girl, he was all gung-ho to get married. I guess it's just a case of finding the right one.

 

I don't know if my current b/f and I will get married- 2 years is a long time away and we've already been together for almost 2. But I believe in him, in his sincerity, and in his love for me. He waited until last week to finally, finally, say "I love you." He waited until he was sure and now, coming from him, it's practically a proposal in itself! He's shown me that he is completely committed to me.

 

In any case, your b/f sounds more like my ex- putting it off and then backing away completely with the "I don't want to get married and I don't want kids." A year is not a long time to be together, but I have been down the road of trying to convince someone to be with me who doesn't love me or want to marry me, and it's not fun. It's also a counter-productive waste of your time- you should be finding a man who does want to get married.

 

What most people on here will tell you is:

 

When a guy tells you what he wants and doesn't want, believe him.

 

Don't try to change him or mold him into what you want him to be- either you will fail and be unhappy, or he will reluctantly fall into that mold and HE will be unhappy.

 

Get out and find a good man who wants to be married, and who wants kids. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't share your life goals, and who will be a reluctant and sullen companion on your life's journey.