I really just don't like sex

[Guest]

I feel horrible in saying this but I just don't want to have sex anymore. I don't like how my husband touches me or what he does. I have tried to tell him that he is hurting me or not doing something right and he just stops then and won't do anything because he gets upset instead of letting me show him what I do like. Its to the point where I just let him do whatever he wants no matter how bad it feels for me, just to get it over with. I never intiate sex, because I hate having it with him so much that I don't even want to start it. If he gropes me it just makes me disgusted because I know I am in for a painful horrible time. Its so uncomfortable, he sometimes will be inside me and just stop moving and lay there on top of me crushing me and making me want to crawl out of my skin. When it is happening I just want it to be over. As I said, I try to coach him, but when I do he just gets pissed off and stops so I don't know what I am supposed to do to make it better.

 

He always wants to have sex in the morning when I have to get up and get ready for work so I have no time. I hate doing it then - I just want to sleep for a few extra minutes and then get in the shower. Also, we have a baby and come the morning the baby wakes up and needs to eat where at night we would have more time, he is never interested. He gets pissed at me because I don't want to touch or do anything that leads to sex, but I can't help it. I know how bad it is going to be when we do. I told him that I just don't think it feels good and I will do it if he wants to but that I really don't have any interest in it myself. If he is going to continue to hurt me and make me uncomfortable, why would I want to do it?

 

Otherwise we get along fine, we have a decent marriage except for the sex issue. He is good with the baby and I do love him. I told him that if he wants to go outside the marriage to find someone else to do it with, then he can, but he is not interested. I feel like I would rather him be physical with someone else than to go thru the torture that he puts me thru. I know that sounds horrible but I don't know what to do. I don't want to have sex with anyone else. If anything, the way he is with me is killing my sex drive completely.

[portableversion]

you gotta find a better solution--- talk to some friends or anyone you can trust. what exactly is he doing that you find phsycially painful? And worse yet, why do you let him continue/ Take ownership of YOUR body!

[luvtoto]

Its to the point where I just let him do whatever he wants no matter how bad it feels for me, just to get it over with.

That is considered rape! Yes, rape.

 

At least that's what my abuse counselor told me when I told her the exact same thing ten years ago. I am sure it still stands true.

 

You are not in touch with how you really feel. You are supressing and repressing.

 

No matter how much we deny what is really going on...our subconscious mind will surface our feelings in other ways.

 

Listen to your inner voice! This is wrong for him to do this to you! You know it, too.

 

First off, he ain't gonna die if he doesn't have sex with you. He doesn't need sex so badly that he will treat you so badly.

[Enema]

That is not rape, he's not forcing her... she is merely giving up trying to make him better.

 

You mention that while he's doing it, you have tried telling him he's doing it wrong or it's hurting. I'm wondering if maybe your tone and the way you say it is causing him to get upset?

 

Perhaps you should bring it up outside of the bedroom.

[blind_otter]

Perhaps you should bring it up outside of the bedroom.

 

That was my question. Have you ever talked about this issue when you weren't being intimate?

[rb45]

That is considered rape! Yes, rape

 

BULL ****

 

It's {opinions like that} that make proving a real rape so difficult, someone's always crying wolf and ruining it for the real victims.

[VinaAmez]

It's only rape IMO if she doesn't want to do it and she tells him and he forces her. If she doesn't say anything and lets him, he THINKS she wants to because she didn't say no. Unless GUEST is leaving something out.

 

I do think you should talk to him about it because sex is not suppost to be painful or non-enjoyable. (Communication)

[Dadaal]

I don't think rape is in the discussion here ! Some men don't have what it takes to be a good man on the bed and try to put an unnecessary weight on their wives . Talk to him about this "whole scenario of wrestling "on the bed, iam sure he'll understand it.

 

Telling your husband or BF to look for some one else indicates that you lost interest in him. At least, be clear on what you tell him next time.

[Mustang Sally]

It may be cliche, but have you talked to your healthcare provider about this? How old is your baby? Might be hormonal or depression or some other if you previously had a healthy libido. Just a thought.

[outofdarkness]

It may be cliche, but have you talked to your healthcare provider about this? How old is your baby? Might be hormonal or depression or some other if you previously had a healthy libido. Just a thought.

Yes, I agree w/ this totally..It could be hormonal since you have a baby...It generally takes awhile to get your drive back..not to mention having a crying baby to care for. Also, I don't know what your delivery was like, but mine was the old fashioned way and I tore from one end to the other...3rd degree tear I think I remember them saying. Anyway..It was never really the same down there after that...How was your delivery? Having a baby is hard work for your body...Have you tried talking to your H about these issues? If it hurts, of course you can't really get into it!! Just anticipating the pain is enough to kill your drive. You should talk to your ob/gyn or midwife and your H...JMO...

[Sassy Gal]

^^^ has it on the target. i have a physical issue that prevents me from becoming horny but i dont let it prevent me from enjoying the sex. my husband and i use other means for my part....but you should check that out before sending him to have sex elsewhere

[loveisfree]

I was logged in as a guest when I posted this - opps!

 

Just wanted to let you know, its not rape, I swear. Its just like little things he does, the way he touches me is not - how can I tactfully say this - um, it just doesn't feel good. I sleep with him because I want to, but I also feel like we should be able to enjoy each other and that is just not the case. Before I had the baby it was different, but not that much different. I did have a really hard delivery, it was actually pretty darn horrible. And things are not the same "down there" as before, but I think I have been healing pretty good and am getting better in that area.

 

I did try to talk to him about it the other night and I did say that we need to work on "how and what" we are doing so that it we both feel satisfied. But I think that to him that just means I don't want to have sex. That is not the case though!!!!!

[Mustang Sally]

Ok, not knowing any details about your experience levels, I'll throw some things out there.

 

Have you tried getting some good technique books and reading them (both of you - not just him, you need to see if what the books are talking about sounds good to you, he needs to expand his repertoire...)

 

Peruse Amazon. If you need suggestions, PM me.

[JustBreathe]

Oh wow, do I know what you're talking about. I put up with that stuff for sooo long. His only doing it for his pleasure, not giving much thought to what I want.

 

What turned it was when I just started saying no. I don't feel like being poked this morning, let me know when you want to make love. If he wants sexual pleasure, he must make an effort to give me pleasure as well. Otherwise, no deal.

 

This is not "withholding sex". It's just asking for equal consideration.

[luvtoto]

BULL ****

 

It's {opinions like that} that make proving a real rape so difficult, someone's always crying wolf and ruining it for the real victims.

It's NOT rape??? What! Rape is about control..not violence.

 

She doesn't like sex. However, she does it against her better judgement to satisfy him. He is controlling her and manipulating her in the process.

 

That my dear is rape.

 

I remember many nights being *guilted* into having sex with my boyfriend..now ex. I would cry the entire time he was on me. NO, it wasn't violent, it wasn't dramatic...but, the feeling of giving my body to a man to let him "get off"...was very degrading to my self-esteem. If I didn't have sex with him, I was made to feel like something was wrong with me.

 

It wasn't just sex...it was about control.

 

And I had a professional abuse counselor explain that to me.

 

What did I learn from that LIFE experience? That I AM IN CONTROL OF MY BODY. NO ONE, I don't care if he's my "loving :rolleyes:" husband, will ever MAKE me feel as though I HAVE to have sex to meet his needs.

 

What kind of man would need sex so badly that they will resort to taking it unwillingly from their spouse..girlfriend...whatever?!

 

In a healthy relationship, sex is ALWAYS mutual.

[Trialbyfire]

I have no kids but I googled it. Women, after childbirth, can have difficulty self-lubricating. Have you considered some help in that direction?

 

Also, before the baby was born, did you feel the same way about sex with him?

[loveisfree]

He doesn't "force" me. If I don't want to, then we don't. My point is, he is a great dad and a really good guy. I don't know if its his lack of experience or his lack of confidence or what it is. Maybe I should explain better? The way he touchs me can be a little rough when it shouldn't be or not in the right spot, or not in a way that feels very good because of the amount of pressure he is or isn't applying. I have tried many times to guide his hand or tell him not to stop but be more gentle or things like that. But when I tell him these things he gets upset or discouraged and then he stops all together and will roll over and go to sleep. So I just go thru the motions and try to get it over with as soon as possible because I want to have sex with him - I REALLY DO - I like being close to him, but just wish that it wasn't something I had to suffer thru, I wish that he would work with me to make it better instead of just giving up for whatever reason. I do it with him, even though it is uncomfortable because thats the only way that he will do it with me and not pull away. I want to fix this because honestly, I know he wants a better reaction with me and I am sick of just hoping for it to be over soon so I can go to sleep. So how do I get him to understand this, that I want to be with him, I just want it to be something that both of us like instead of just something we do because we are married and we are supposed to. Its not like I am not attracted to him and I know he is attracted to me. So what can I do here to make it better???

[luvtoto]

I have tried to tell him that he is hurting me or not doing something right and he just stops then and won't do anything because he gets upset instead of letting me show him what I do like. Its to the point where I just let him do whatever he wants no matter how bad it feels for me, just to get it over with. I never intiate sex, because I hate having it with him so much that I don't even want to start it. If he gropes me it just makes me disgusted because I know I am in for a painful horrible time. Its so uncomfortable, he sometimes will be inside me and just stop moving and lay there on top of me crushing me and making me want to crawl out of my skin. When it is happening I just want it to be over. As I said, I try to coach him, but when I do he just gets pissed off and stops so I don't know what I am supposed to do to make it better.

 

He always wants to have sex in the morning when I have to get up and get ready for work so I have no time. I hate doing it then - I just want to sleep for a few extra minutes and then get in the shower. Also, we have a baby and come the morning the baby wakes up and needs to eat where at night we would have more time, he is never interested. He gets pissed at me because I don't want to touch or do anything that leads to sex, but I can't help it. I know how bad it is going to be when we do. I told him that I just don't think it feels good and I will do it if he wants to but that I really don't have any interest in it myself. If he is going to continue to hurt me and make me uncomfortable, why would I want to do it?

 

Otherwise we get along fine, we have a decent marriage except for the sex issue. He is good with the baby and I do love him. I told him that if he wants to go outside the marriage to find someone else to do it with, then he can, but he is not interested. I feel like I would rather him be physical with someone else than to go thru the torture that he puts me thru. I know that sounds horrible but I don't know what to do. I don't want to have sex with anyone else. If anything, the way he is with me is killing my sex drive completely.

Sorry...misunderstood your first post then, loveisfree.

[SydneyHeart]

This kind of stuff can be very hard to hear.

 

Some thoughts:

 

Change the neg into positive. Try REALLY hard to find something he does you like and say "oooooh! I LOVE that!" It may not even be sexual. It may be touching your cheek with his hand. Whatever. Just give him an avenue where he feels he can provide some kind of pleasure to his wife.

 

Another thought might be to ask him if he likes what you are doing to him, get him comfortable with the whole idea of that. Say stuff like "Does that feel good?" "You want it harder baby?" I dont know, but basically role model what you want him to do for you in terms of communicating!

 

Hopefully he'll soon see how much you want to do things he really likes, and he'll see how great he feels when he is doing stuff you like, and he'll be motivated to take it further, and realise the communication is not an insult, it's a tool.

[blind_otter]

Have you tried initiating sex and taking control of the process?

 

Have you asked why he gets discouraged and gives up so easily?

[loggrad98]

For the O.P., you both need to go to counseling. There are issues that you are not able to resolve between the 2 of you and you need some outside assistance to do so. I think you need to talk frankly to him about the issue, using safe words ("I feel this way because it hurts" rather than "You make me feel this way...") Using safe words allows him to hear what you have to say without putting up a defensive shield. Once you are talking, talk about going to a counselor.

 

For the comment about sex in a healthy relationship always being mutual...I disagree. I went through a tough medical issue (I battled cancer now about 8 years ago) and my wife was hit by this horribly, as you can imagine. One of the tougher things for us both was that she missed the intimacy we had shared up to that point, and I simply did NOT want to be intimate in any way. I felt like sh*t, to put it bluntly. Chemo is hell. But I also saw what she needed and sometimes when she made it clear she wanted intimacy, I gave it to her. I did NOT want to. I made myself do it for the betterment of our relationship and her emotional well-being. I think this happends from time to time in truly healthy relationships, where one is willing to do for the other for their happiness. In healthy relationships it likely happens with both of them at times "putting out" for the other, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as one or the other do not feel as if they are being forced to or taken advantage of. I felt a little like I had not choice when I was sick, but when I saw how it lifted her spirits for the next few days I realized I made the right choice, even if at that moment that was the last place I wanted to be.

[Mr. Lucky]

What kind of man would need sex so badly that they will resort to taking it unwillingly from their spouse..girlfriend...whatever?!

 

In a healthy relationship, sex is ALWAYS mutual.

 

What kind of woman would maneuver her spouse or boyfriend into feeling like a rapist?

 

Many times either my wife or I have been in the mood when the other is not. I take advantage of those times (if I'm the one not in the mood) to make it all about her, doing my best to make her feel loved, wanted and satisified. And I always feel good about it afterwards...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvtoto]

What kind of woman would maneuver her spouse or boyfriend into feeling like a rapist?

Uh..., I already stated that I misunderstood the OP's original post. That's a pretty normal thing to do on an anonymous forum.

 

Excuse me for trying to share my own life experiences with her.

 

What do you mean by maneuver? I didn't maneuver my boyfriend into feeling like a rapist. He was a rapist.

 

I didn't even know what he was doing to me WAS rape. Until my abuse counselor told me while I was living in a shelter for abused women.

 

Like I said before, rape is about control.

 

Also, please don't take my comment "sex should always be mutual" as a general statement. You know what I meant and in what context! Were you scared of your spouse if did not have sex with her?? Did you feel controlled to the point that you didn't have control of your own body?? Give it up or else??

 

...God. Forget it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Uh..., I already stated that I misunderstood the OP's original post. That's a pretty normal thing to do on an anonymous forum.

 

Excuse me for trying to share my own life experiences with her.

It's also easy in an anonymous forum to mistakenly project your life experiences on to someone else's life. I was as surprised as the OP when you presented your "rape" theory.

 

That said, I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm sure it was difficult; hope things are better for you now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvtoto]

It's also easy in an anonymous forum to mistakenly project your life experiences on to someone else's life. I was as surprised as the OP when you presented your "rape" theory.

 

That said, I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm sure it was difficult; hope things are better for you now...

 

Mr. Lucky

Surprised at my rape theory?? Uh...ok. I read the words...torture, uncomfortable, hurt, painful horrible time, he just gets pissed off, just want it over with. That sounded all too familiar to me....

 

I have never been in a *relationship* with a man that disgusted me in the bedroom...other than my ex who was an ass. So, that is where I went with my advice.

 

I honestly couldn't relate to the OP's second explanatory post. I mean, has sex always been that bad between them?? I would find it very difficult to have a longterm relationship with someone that I didn't have an ounce of passion with.

 

Originally Posted by Guest

I have tried to tell him that he is hurting me or not doing something right and he just stops then and won't do anything because he gets upset instead of letting me show him what I do like. Its to the point where I just let him do whatever he wants no matter how bad it feels for me, just to get it over with. I never intiate sex, because I hate having it with him so much that I don't even want to start it. If he gropes me it just makes me disgusted because I know I am in for a painful horrible time. Its so uncomfortable, he sometimes will be inside me and just stop moving and lay there on top of me crushing me and making me want to crawl out of my skin. When it is happening I just want it to be over. As I said, I try to coach him, but when I do he just gets pissed off and stops so I don't know what I am supposed to do to make it better.

 

He always wants to have sex in the morning when I have to get up and get ready for work so I have no time. I hate doing it then - I just want to sleep for a few extra minutes and then get in the shower. Also, we have a baby and come the morning the baby wakes up and needs to eat where at night we would have more time, he is never interested. He gets pissed at me because I don't want to touch or do anything that leads to sex, but I can't help it. I know how bad it is going to be when we do. I told him that I just don't think it feels good and I will do it if he wants to but that I really don't have any interest in it myself. If he is going to continue to hurt me and make me uncomfortable, why would I want to do it?

 

Otherwise we get along fine, we have a decent marriage except for the sex issue. He is good with the baby and I do love him. I told him that if he wants to go outside the marriage to find someone else to do it with, then he can, but he is not interested. I feel like I would rather him be physical with someone else than to go thru the torture that he puts me thru. I know that sounds horrible but I don't know what to do. I don't want to have sex with anyone else. If anything, the way he is with me is killing my sex drive completely.