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The honeymonn is over


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Earlier last night my wife and I had a fight over kids. I told her that divorce can be very hard on children and I don't know if I want to have children with her because if she decides to walk out on me I won 't get to see my children grow up. She got mad and asked me if I trusted her and I told her that I don't know. That is when she blew it and told that I have no clue what marriage is about and that I need to stop punishing her for what other women have done. Right now we are not even speaking to each other and both of us are too proud to apologize to each other.

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that I need to stop punishing her for what other women have done.

 

Sometimes the first fights are the worst.. make up with her Woggle..

 

You are in therapy to deal with your issues with women.. how is that going ?

 

Be the bigger man Woggle.. don't let this fight drive a wedge between you two..

You married someone older and if I remember correctly you mentioned that she would want to have kids quickly.. So what changed ? did you stop going to therapy ?

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Trialbyfire

Seriously Woggle, you can't leave it like this. Pride and distance can make the worst wounds fester. Telling someone you don't trust them when they haven't done anything to warrant the distrust must be difficult to handle. That doesn't mean that your issues aren't real or don't deserve some recognition as well. You two can work this out. Do it now, before it gets worse. Children are one of the deal-breakers in many marriages.

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She does have somewhat of a point - it is one thing to not trust easily. Once you're married though you should be able to plan for the future without worrying about your spouse balking. If my husband didn't want to think long term with me because "I might run out on him" - ouch! I'd take that as not thinking very highly of me.

I can understand some of her frustration.

In my experience - not a whole lot, but I have worked hard on being more humble/less proud, once you do break through your pride and be the one to offer the olive branch, the other party tends to receive it well. Not drag your pride through the mud.

 

I think you need to talk and really listen to her and hopefully she can do the same without using phrases meant to injure, like "You don't know what marriage means." That's not very productive. Hope that helps a little...

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I need to stop punishing her for what other women have done.

 

She's exactly right.

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She's exactly right.

 

J is right. From what I can tell by what you've said your wife is made for you and a great lady. Don't blow this relationship because you cannot get over what happened in your past.

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Right now we are not even speaking to each other and both of us are too proud to apologize to each other.

 

I hope she doesn't apologize.

 

You are 100% in the wrong here buddy.

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bluetuesday

hey woggle.

 

you know, people are self-fulfilling propechies. they get what they believe they'll get, because subconsciously they make what they believe they'll get happen to them.

 

this sounds to me like what you're doing. you doubt that a woman will stay with you, so you mistrust her, so you push her away, so she leaves and then you can tell yourself you were right to doubt that a woman would ever stay with you.

 

these patterns are only impossible to break when you don't know you're following them. once you do know, you can make the choice to go the other way.

 

look. this woman signed a pre-nup, she married you, she's been married to you for a year now and you're crazy about her. what is there not to trust? think about it rationally. this woman has given you NO reason to not trust her. that's as much a guarantee as you're ever going to get. but the surest way you will lose her is by treating her as a potential cause of hurt and thereby keeping her at arm's length, emotionally. she is a good woman but she has feelings. i am betting she will let you push her so far because she loves you and wants to stay with you, but she too has her breaking point.

 

what you're arguing about here is a fictional situation. IF you had kids and IF you got a divorce and IF in that case she didn't let you see the kids. wog, life is hard enough without creating drama where none exists. i am not saying you should have children if you don't want them, but you and your wife are solid. she has demonstrated the utmost commitment to you by doing what you asked - by signing a pre-nup to prove to you she loves you. cut her a break. i too would be annoyed at not being trusted. what does she need to do, open a vein?

 

saying sorry first is up to you. but you're a man, not a child. who says sorry first doesn't matter, so it might as well be you. one of you needs to be grown up about it or this will fester and become something it never was. it will become an argument about a genuine breach of trust, a genuine issue, rather than this fantasy issue you created about her leaving you. you keep pushing wog, you'll make it happen. it's your life, just know even the best woman in the world needs to feel like someone loves her and trusts her. why should YOU get to be trusted in this relationship and your wife not?

 

think about it man. you have way more to lose than a bit of dented pride. be brave. good things happen to those who show their love. the world is not a trap waiting to catch you out, waiting for you to be vulnerable before ripping your heart out. you have a great woman, an amazing woman by all accounts. but she's still a human woman. she has limits. don't try to find them.

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melodymatters

Woggle,

 

Anyone who's read any of your posts know that you are a paranoid mysogonist. By projecting this "95% certainty" that your wife will walk out and take the kids, you are basically CREATINg this scenario.

 

I couldn't be married to somone who projected failure in our relationship from the get go.

 

You need more therapy and quickly !!

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Woggle,

 

Anyone who's read any of your posts know that you are a paranoid mysogonist. By projecting this "95% certainty" that your wife will walk out and take the kids, you are basically CREATINg this scenario.

 

I couldn't be married to somone who projected failure in our relationship from the get go.

 

You need more therapy and quickly !!

 

I second this.

 

Woggle, you have spoken highly of her and have put her on a pedestal for quite some time. Thats not like you to speak that way about any woman, so she must have done wonders for you. Don't let this one go. Get the therapy and get rid of these feelings that you are having and she doesn't owe you an aopology, you owe her.

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When I read forums such as this and other ones and look at other situations I know it gets me very paranoid about my marriage. It really does because so many of these men never kn ew what hit them and it makes me wonder about my wife. I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

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When I read forums such as this and other ones and look at other situations I know it gets me very paranoid about my marriage. It really does because so many of these men never kn ew what hit them and it makes me wonder about my wife. I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

Just your lucky day.

 

We don't have that many chances in life to grasp on to something that is genuine and right, so don't screw this up because she is a blessing for you Woggle.

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I makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

You have to be a good and decent husband to keep her. Before getting married you discussed having kids quickly didn't you?

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You have to be a good and decent husband to keep her. Before getting married you discussed having kids quickly didn't you?

 

It seems that even if I am a good and decent husband she will cheat on me and walk out on me.

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When I read forums such as this and other ones and look at other situations I know it gets me very paranoid about my marriage. It really does because so many of these men never kn ew what hit them and it makes me wonder about my wife. I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

 

Come on Woggle she is not the only one and she could cheat on you.......:rolleyes:

 

get real. that is life...... there is a risk to anything you do.

 

People are people but go ahead and spend your life in bitter paranoia land.... that is a great place to be isn't it. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

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It seems that even if I am a good and decent husband she will cheat on me and walk out on me.

 

But you are only basing those feelings on some unfortunate incidents that happened to others. Not every outcome will be the same.

 

Just keep your ears and eyes open for any red flags, while at the same time, love her and enjoy your lives together. You can either do that or stress out over wondering and worrying if she will cheat on you.

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melodymatters
When I read forums such as this and other ones and look at other situations I know it gets me very paranoid about my marriage. It really does because so many of these men never kn ew what hit them and it makes me wonder about my wife. I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

 

Sweetie,

 

You DON'T have the ONLY woman who won't cheat, abuse, and leave. People on LS who have healthy, happy relationships are usually posting about their favorite pizza topping and the like. You are reading the posts of people who are suffering because:

 

A) that is why many people are here, to get help for troubled relationships

 

and

 

B) when you are pregnant or buy a new jeep, suddenly you norice TONS of pregnant woman or jeep drivers. YOU are focusing on the negative threads.

 

I'm glad you didn't just "yell" at us all, and go on a rant about evil woman, but seem to be taking responsibility. GOOD JOB, I see growth !!!!:)

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I am taking responsibility for my feelings but you can't deny that good women are in very short supply these days. When a man finds a woman that he didn't even think existed anymore he has to stop and wonder if it is real. If everybody else is catching a disease is it realistic to think that somehow you are immune to it?

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I am taking responsibility for my feelings but you can't deny that good women are in very short supply these days. When a man finds a woman that he didn't even think existed anymore he has to stop and wonder if it is real. If everybody else is catching a disease is it realistic to think that somehow you are immune to it?

 

They are in very short supply these days, you are correct, but you are going a tad overboard in worrying about her doing you wrong. You know her better then us and you have been saying all along just how great she is, so what is the problem?

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It seems that even if I am a good and decent husband she will cheat on me and walk out on me.

 

Not all women are like that!! Give your wife the benefit of the doubt. You shouldn't keep her from having kids because of your feelings of how you will be treated. You need to go to counseling and get past the hurt your physco wife did to you.

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whichwayisup
Earlier last night my wife and I had a fight over kids. I told her that divorce can be very hard on children and I don't know if I want to have children with her because if she decides to walk out on me I won 't get to see my children grow up. She got mad and asked me if I trusted her and I told her that I don't know. That is when she blew it and told that I have no clue what marriage is about and that I need to stop punishing her for what other women have done. Right now we are not even speaking to each other and both of us are too proud to apologize to each other.

 

Why do you assume that you and your wife are going to end up divorced? Why do you think she is going to walk out on you? Give me good reasons ABOUT YOUR WIFE and HER PERSONALITY that makes you feel that she would do that to you - WITHOUT bringing up past relationships or your mom. What awful qualities does your wife have that makes you think she's gonna screw you over????? Honey - You've got some distorted thinking going on and it has nothing to do with your wife - These issues, your fears and concerns are coming from inside your own head.

 

She is right, you ARE punishing her for no good reason. You are making her feel like a piece of dog crap Woggle, and if you don't start putting HER needs first and make her feel loved, respected, trusted and LIKE A WIFE she WILL divorce you, but for good reason. You're emotionally abusing her in a sense because you're letting your own fears get in the way of a good thing. You owe her a huge appology.

 

When I read forums such as this and other ones and look at other situations I know it gets me very paranoid about my marriage. It really does because so many of these men never kn ew what hit them and it makes me wonder about my wife. I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

STOP COMPARING YOUR MARRIAGE and YOUR WIFE to other people. You are the one who is treating your wife like crap right now Woggle, not the other way around. I wish you'd see that. How the hell can she keep on trying to prove her love to you, when all you can do is shoot her down constantly, telling her over and over and over and over again that she is going to cheat and leave you?????

 

It seems that even if I am a good and decent husband she will cheat on me and walk out on me.

 

Imagine how she feels, knowing that you don't trust her. That you have NO faith in her, or her love for you. Jesus Woggle - You keep on saying what an amazing wife you have - Yet you're so insecure about your marriage and you think she is going to cheat on you. SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHEAT ON YOU.

 

Those negative thoughts are not helping, so seriously, go back into therapy and sort it out. Don't punish your wife for your own issue and insecurities, it's not fair.

 

If this marriage is going to end, it's going to be because your wife feels like YOU don't love HER and she's never going to be good enough for you. You've set the bars so high and it seems like you're continually setting her up to fail. Noone can live like that for a long time, it's pure torture.

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It seems that even if I am a good and decent husband she will cheat on me and walk out on me.

 

Prior to getting married did you and your then Fiancee discuss having kids quickly after getting married?

 

[highlight]YES or NO?[/highlight]

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I am taking responsibility for my feelings but you can't deny that good women are in very short supply these days. When a man finds a woman that he didn't even think existed anymore he has to stop and wonder if it is real. If everybody else is catching a disease is it realistic to think that somehow you are immune to it?

 

Woggle in the past cheating just was not talked about.... not much has really changed..... take a deeper look at history.... from 100 years ago to 10 years ago..... it was indeed happening just not talked about as openly.

 

This is not a new disease, it is just out in the open more, divorce is no big deal in this day and age (thank goodness)!

 

Good men must be in short supply as well. Do you consider yourself super duper husband material? I don't see many of those around either.

 

If she is going to leave you she is going to leave you...... guess what?..... you will get over it.

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hey woggle.

 

you know, people are self-fulfilling propechies. they get what they believe they'll get, because subconsciously they make what they believe they'll get happen to them.

 

this sounds to me like what you're doing. you doubt that a woman will stay with you, so you mistrust her, so you push her away, so she leaves and then you can tell yourself you were right to doubt that a woman would ever stay with you.

 

these patterns are only impossible to break when you don't know you're following them. once you do know, you can make the choice to go the other way.

 

I was going to say the same thing... By always saying to yourself that she will end up leaving, and structuring your life based on that assumption, you will undermine your relationship and before you know it, she WILL get tired of you pushing her away, and WILL ditch your bitter ass.

 

I agree with the fact that you have to be prepared for your SO to leave, because people do change and that's something you can't control. But these thoughs should be something like a monthly reality check for yourself, not a recurring internal dialogue on which you base your daily actions.

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