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Two days ago I checked our budgets and accounts. My wife had already spent the entire household budget for the month and it's only the 7th today. It's also a month in which we had about $800 of unexpected car repairs. That did NOT come out of the household budget.

 

Let me point out that the budget does not include the house, utilities or recurring bills, savings, investments, etc. I cover all of those out of "my" budget which is separate from the household one. The household budget is for groceries, items for the home, clothes, gifts, cleaners and gas for the car since she's the one who drives it most. She's retired and I walk to and from work. There's also a "miscellaneous" line item just in case.

 

What's not working for me is not just the fact that the budget is already flat but the fact that she has given and spent about $700 in the last two or three weeks on her two daughters, giving them cash, purchasing food, and buying things for the oldest's children. Her daughters are 30 and 32. We're not talking teens or early 20s here.

 

Yesterday was a perfect case in point. Her oldest granddaughter (just turned 12) is "graduating" from grade school next month and needs a dress for the occasion. Her mother doesn't work. I had pointed out the flat budget to my wife the day before so she did ask me if we could buy granddaughter her dress since a store that carries a line she likes was having a half-off sale. Reluctantly I agreed.

 

I'm the only positive and constant male figure the girl has ever had in her life and the only grandfather she's ever known. I might point out that just last month I purchased a new computer for her birthday because schools expect the children at her grade level to have them in their homes and I didn't want her to do without. Now I'm beginning to regret that.

 

So, wife picks up granddaughter to take her shopping. At half off I'm thinking maybe $35-50 max for the dress. Instead, wife buy the dress, new panties, a new bra, several shades of nail polish, a bathing suit and two pairs of new shoes for her. Then, to top it off, she buys two pairs of shorts for one of her brothers "because he'll have a fit is she gets everything and he gets nothing." I say let him have a fit. The total spend came out to almost $200.

 

I blew up and I'm not sorry I did. I told her that if this continues, she can take her retirement check (one sixth of what I earn) and go live with her daughters and spend it all on them for all I care. I don't feel like I have a partner any longer. Rather, I have a living deficit.

 

I'm retiring in three years so I am very serious about our financial future, hence the saving and investments. This is undermining what I'm trying to do for us and I aslso think it's total disrespect for me. Am I wrong about this?

 

Sorry this is so long. Needed to vent.

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No C=Lion you are not wrong about this.

 

My exH used to spend and shop his life away... always money we didn't have - or should I say should have saved.

 

I think he just had a shopping addiction - like a way to fill some void that he had...

 

I'm not saying this is the case with your wife.

 

I am just saying that it always made me feel as though he was totally discounting my wishes and disrespecting me and the priorities for our future.

 

So - no - I think you have every right to be upset.

 

You may want to set up more specific guidelines or only allow her to access a certain amount of money during the month.

 

Good luck.

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Of course you're not wrong. There are a few things in marriage that you MUST be on the same page about...money is certainly one. We all know that many divorces are caused by problems concerning money matters.

 

Have you told her what you're saying here?

 

All decisions made in a marriage should be made with the health of the marriage in mind...this is not healthy now. She's making unilateral decisions that have no business being made unilaterally.

 

Sit down with her when you're not so upset. You two seem to have no problems communicating (and agreeing) in other areas...this should be no exception.

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Yes! But that doesn't mean I'd stay with her. I'm an old soldier. Survival means everything.

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I've told her precisely what I've written here. I'm not sure it's made an impact although she just asked me to print out her budget matrix for the month.

 

In addition to the car repairs she also spent over $400 on a new pair of glasses. I certainly didn't object because she needed them and they didn't come out of her budget. But to spend all that other money on top of the glasses and car was just plain nuts.

 

Not sure we're going to agree on this one. We've talked about it and will no doubt talk some more but this is NOT a "lets just agree to disagree" issue, not with our financial future in the balance.

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Yes! But that doesn't mean I'd stay with her. I'm an old soldier. Survival means everything.

 

You're married to her. Do you really think she is putting your survival at risk? She's not bringing drug dealers home. Or full grown tigers.

 

And you'd rather be alone than have her spend an extra few hundred dollars?

 

My point is you're ready to throw the whole thing in the trash over this. After all your statements of endless love and satisfaction, this doesn't seem consistent.

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You're absolutely right on that score. I mean there are certain issues that you can "agree to disagree" on but when it comes to money matters, as I've said, you really have to be on the same page.

 

It sounds like she is taking this seriously though since she asked for a budget. If you hadn't made any impact on her, I doubt she would have even asked for that. Now all that remains to be seen is if she will follow it.

 

Maybe this was just a lapse in judgment on her part. Is she usually pretty good about curtailing her spending? I mean has she been in the past?

 

You can work this out. You have a good foundation. This doesn't have to get out of hand.

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Trialbyfire

While I believe that family is everything, this isn't money she's earning on her own. Her daughters are full grown women who shouldn't be relying on their mother to support them. If they're not working, time to get a job, not sponge off mom.

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While I believe that family is everything, this isn't money she's earning on her own. Her daughters are full grown women who shouldn't be relying on their mother to support them. If they're not working, time to get a job, not sponge off mom.

 

This I agree with. I think I'd be annoyed with that. This is typical mom/grandmother behavior from what I can tell. The daughters need to find the resources to provide what the grandkids need. They should feel ashamed to have grandma/grandpa doing this.

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Trialbyfire
This I agree with. I think I'd be annoyed with that. This is typical mom/grandmother behavior from what I can tell. The daughters need to find the resources to provide what the grandkids need. They should feel ashamed to have grandma/grandpa doing this.

Yes, the girls should try to stand on their own two feet and have a little pride. I can understand a helping hand once in awhile or accepting gifts because they love you but if it's a reoccurring theme as it sounds, get a job. Their mother is not doing them any favours by taking care of them.

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I agree that this is a problem, but I also agree you don't need to pull out the big guns on this.

 

This is the first negative post I've ever seen you make, C, so things must be pretty good in general.

 

There are many less extreme things you could do, including taking away her credit card if it came to that.

 

She can always get a part time job in retail if she wants more spending money. Or maybe you could have a separate gift budget and give her cash for it so she can't go over.

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I told her that if this continues, she can take her retirement check (one sixth of what I earn) and go live with her daughters and spend it all on them for all I care. I don't feel like I have a partner any longer. Rather, I have a living deficit.

 

I'm retiring in three years so I am very serious about our financial future, hence the saving and investments. This is undermining what I'm trying to do for us and I aslso think it's total disrespect for me. Am I wrong about this?

 

I don't think you're wrong to be concerned about your financial future... but unless you REALLY meant that 'you'd just as soon have her go live with her daughters'... you went over the top. ;)

 

I don't think you did mean what you said to her. You've said often enough how much it means to have her in your life, particularly in comparison to your previous marriage. I think you just got frustrated and blew a gasket.

 

Didn't you tell us at one point that there was some sort of emotional issue on her part? I forget what it was... maybe bi-polar personality or some such??? It looks to me like this was emotional spending.... bonding with Granddaughter, sympathizing with her. What's at the root of that? :confused:

You know, if she's not feeling well, it makes a certain amount of sense to me that she'd be attempting to augment the positive feedback from these familial relationships.

 

I think it'd be one thing if she was consistently frivolous and uncaring of your concerns... but I've never had that impression when reading your posts or in the wonderful advice you give to others.

 

At any rate... I think POJA (The Policy of Joint Agreement, Marriagebuilders) would be your best tool. If she's feeling the emotional need to supplement these relationships financially, maybe you two can find a method where you can meet halfway on that... something you can both be excited about.

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VirtualInsanity

You have every right to be upset. Try coming to a budget agreement.

 

You may want to set up more specific guidelines or only allow her to access a certain amount of money during the month.
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Oh, stop being so reasonable, LOL!

 

Yes, my wife is bipolar. Yes, she tends to want to spend when in a hypo-manic stage like she's in right now. However, we've always had a boundary about how much she could "blow" during those times and it was nowhere near this.

 

I did get frustrated and I did blow a gasket but this coming on the heals of her accusing me during MC (we started last week to "tune-up" the relationship) of being financially controlling (Gosh! I wonder why!) was simply the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

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Maybe a good solution IF she intends to continue spending too much would be for her to take a part time job to make up for whatever amount she intends to spend past the budgeted amount. That way she is responsible for the amount she wants to splurge on - whether it be herself or the girls/grandkids etc.

 

Also it may help when unexpected expenses come up like that big car repair bill.

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Trialbyfire

There's some good advice here C. I agree with much of it, like, if she can't control her own spending, restrict her access to a specific bank account with a certain amount of monthly funds in it. If it's not enough for her spending habits, she should get a part-time job.

 

While this may seem controlling, she has to come to terms with what a retirement plan is and what an honest budget means.

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It woulodn't mean I'd love her any the less. However, I'm no longer young and my financial recovery years, if I need them, are limited. Coupled with the fact that I lost half my state retirement in divorce 13 years ago and I take saving and investing for the future extremely seriously.

 

If this pattern continues she has to go. I've told her in no uncertain terms that it's not my job to make up for her loser ex who never did support their daughters, nor is it my intention to support the girls in their 30s necessitated by their bad choices. I'm extremely serious about that.

 

Ten years ago we both entered this marriage from ground zero financially. I'd lost everything in divorce. She'd never had anything raising her daighters as a single mother with no help at all from their father. Given that I was 50 at the time I only had a finite number of years to work with from the beginning. That's why I take this extremely seriously.

 

Given that I'm a former cop, statistically the expectation is that I'll live only two years following retirement and I'm already retiring four years later than planned because of the divorce. I take seriously the responsibility to make sure my wife is well provided for if/when I do die and that takes financial discipline. She will likely outlive me for years and her retirement that she's drawing is minimal.

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If this pattern continues she has to go.

 

This is the part I don't understand. Why not, if this pattern continues, you get total control and dole out an allowance to her each month?

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C=Lion -

 

I don't like your mindset right now. Please don't be offended - but you need to figure out better solutions to this issue rather than just leaving her.

 

You love her - she loves you! She is not always well... this could easily be a symptom to her health issues. Maybe they need to explore other medicine if she can't control this area of her life. It really is irresponsible and selfish of her to put you in this position.

 

But still - not a valid reason to just give up without exploring several solutions to the problem.

 

Besides - YOU are not a giver upper! No way - no how! XO to you.

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The household budget is funded from a separate account used strictly for that purpose with a set amount of money deposited in it every month. We've agreed that when she feels the need to spend beyond that there's a pre-set limit with which she can indulge herself and I will fund.

 

All were greatly exceeded, one small savings account wiped out and all for her children and grands. That's why I went ballistic, especially on top of over $1,000 of unplanned for expenses already this month. Those are covered but it still wreaks havock with the budget, especially as I now have to essentially double the household account for the month (another $1,800 less one week's worth) to get through the rest of it.

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don't put money in there

 

make her eat mac and cheese or top ramen the rest of the month! kind of like when you are a college kid. :lmao:

 

sorry C=Lion - i couldn't help myself and wanted to lighten up the mood for just a moment...

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Trialbyfire

You haven't expressed what her responses were, when you confronted her. I'm not talking about the excuses made but her emotional responses associated to the excuses and if she agrees with you.

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Given that I'm a former cop, statistically the expectation is that I'll live only two years following retirement and I'm already retiring four years later than planned because of the divorce. I take seriously the responsibility to make sure my wife is well provided for if/when I do die and that takes financial discipline. She will likely outlive me for years and her retirement that she's drawing is minimal.

 

Maybe you two have the same sort of anxiety going on about the future??? You work through it as a financial issue and she works through it as a familial/relationship one? If you think about it, both of your coping methods are designed to achieve the same purpose... security. Your security comes from account balances, and hers comes from strengthening her relationships.

 

It could be that you two have more in common underlying the problem than you realize. ;)

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