I need some perspective !

[Guest]

I only hope some kind souls out there will take the time to read this over and give me an honest opinion, because I am at a loss.

 

I have been married for 3 yrs and have 2 children. My husband is a good guy - good heart, decent, hardworking all of that.

 

But their is NO emotional intimacy to speak of at all. There was some at the beginning, and I assumed it would grow over time, but it is just an effort to him, so it has disintegrated completely.

 

Here's an example of what happened tonight. I was telling him about a REALLY hard decision I had made in my life. I was devastated at the time I made this decision. It was hard for me to share about this, but I was telling him about it. His response? He said nothing. At all. Nothing. He continued fast forwarding the video to find his show.

 

I sat for a couple of minutes and then I said I was feeling a bit upset by the fact that I had shared something that was devastating to me at the time and that he hadn't responded at all. So now I'm talking about feeling upset by that. You know what he said? NOTHING! He found the show and turned the volume up. By now, I am angry so I say in a very snide tone "oh so now you are saying nothing to that too?" and he did turn the TV off, but said nothing for like 3 minutes.

 

When he did speak he was angry. He was yelling at me saying that he can never do anything right and what were the magic words he was supposed to say in response to what I had been telling him, and that this is just who he is and I am trying to change who he is....and so on.

 

I said "so now my feelings of hurt have become let's talk about you and how I always make you feel like you can never do anything right?"

 

He said that was my fault too, because I was always attacking him. Is it attacking to expect a response to a shared story? I honestly honestly very calmly said that I was hurt by his lack of response. I mean I stopped for 2 minutes to make sure it came out as "I FEEL" instead of "why didnt you say anything?"

 

Anyway, sorry, getting long. But end result was I said I was tired of this (it happens all the time) and he needed to decide if he could provide the emotional intimacy / support or not and he said "Didn't I say last week the solution was disolution?" (And he's shouting this at me) So now, on top of everything apparently I had somehow disrailed his plans for divorce against his will.

 

I told him if thats what he wants, go ahead and go. He said OK.

 

You're all going to ask me what the question is here, aren't you?! Maybe I need to hear that.

 

I'm just so sad about this. He is a good guy, but I can't be married to an emotional void. I feel so bad for my children. If I could repair this I would do anything, but I have become so depressed not having anyone to talk with and share with.

 

Thanks for your time

[4whatItsWorth]

My husband is a good guy - good heart, decent, hardworking all of that.

 

I read a book once written by a couple, the book was called something like "Why men don't cry and why women can't read maps" or something. It was a part in it that I'm always thinking of, how guys need a bit of space when they come home. And how they will never think like we women do. Another woman would probably have hugged you, said "OMG sweetie I'm so sorry you had to put up with this" etc. That is the response we'd ask for, but men don't really know what to say it seems. Whenever I share anything that has been devastating to me (I used to be anorexic) then guys usually say nothing or just don't understand what I want them to do.

 

I don't think men understand all is needed is sympathy and love. And when they feel they can't "fix the problem" they get frustrated.

 

However, the divorce part confused me. So he wanted a divorce out of the blue? Has that situation or similar ones happened before? Perhaps he needs you to tell him "Honey, all I needed from you was a hug or acknowledge that I was hurt by this." it seems like, men needs some handbook for how to talk to us.

 

If your husband is a good man, and you love him, and he loves you, I am sure the two of you can find a way for him to communicate more emotionally if you both work on it.

 

I think to live with a man, you have to realise he will never be a woman.

[whichwayisup]

You two need to learn to communicate and listen to eachother, marriage counselling will help.

 

He has his ways of dealing with things, just like you do. Men tend to clam up and not talk when life gets rough, where as women need to talk it out. You two can learn how to reach a middle ground, as long as you're both willing to do the legwork to get you there.

 

It sucks that he couldn't be supportive, I don't know why he couldn't just give you a hug or something when you needed to talk. Or, atleast just let you know he's listening to you...He did the opposite and I can understand why you are/were upset by his non support.

 

Talk to him about counselling.

[fluffy0]

I think the problem isn't so much that he isn't capable of emotional intimacy. It just seems like he has alot of anger and bitterness to you for whatever reasons and doesn't want share emotional intimacy with you. Any guy with half a brain, or any person for that matter, will realize that when someone close to them is sharing something very personal and is getting upset, they will at least make a half-a** attempt to look like they are paying attention. From you post, it seems like you husband is trying to communicate that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to remain with you.

I know this must be really difficult for you, you are loving someone without being loved in return. Maybe he feels smothered right now, because he has all these problems with you yet you still expect emotional support from him. You said that you are lonely and depressed, maybe you can reach for support from people other than your husband. Try to spend more time with friends, or join some activity that you like to make friends. If you aren't as depressed it might help your relations with him. And you need to have someone to talk to who will respct your feeligs.

 

Also, sometimes when someone continues being loving even after their love is turned away, I think the other person starts to feel like they can treat them like crap and they will still come back. So start to go along with the divorce, in fact be proactive in getting it done faster. Maybe if he realizes you aren't always going to be his doormat and gets a glimpse of life after divorce it will push him to reconsider how he treats you.

[StaringContest]

He's got to know how insensitive he was. Even the thickest of guys realizes you don't just turn up the tv when your wife's pouring her heart out. That's almost sitcom material.

 

Has he always acted like this?

 

Although, if you were interupting a really good show, you should've waited for commercials. I hate when people try to talk to me when I'm watching tv.

[Ladyjane14]

I have been married for 3 yrs and have 2 children. My husband is a good guy - good heart, decent, hardworking all of that.

 

So.... do you want a divorce or what???

 

'Cause if you're not sure, you're probably not going to want THAT particular choice taken out of your hands. ....which btw, is the next thing coming down the pike.

 

Emotional intimacy is NOT something that your partner gives you. It's something you share together.

 

IMHO, you set yourself up for failure if you tried to discuss an emotional topic during your partner's "down time". Most people do need a little time to themselves to just 'veg out' or let their minds wander. I know I, myself, need quite a bit of "down time", so I think it varies a bit from person to person. But no matter if you need alot or a little... most folks will become peeved if they can't get it.

 

You've said that you and your husband are married three years with two children. I'm presuming they're babies. This is a STRESSFUL time for most couples. There are alot of extra duties, alot of extra pressures, and sometimes... not enough time in the day to do everything that needs done.

 

My best advice to you would be to "pick your battles". There are 'needs' and there are 'wants'. Yes... you might "need" a sympathetic ear now and then. But don't shoot yourself in the foot before you can get it.

Bide your time and pick your moment. And if you're basing your timing on 'wants'... say maybe you had a free half-hour to talk... you gotta gauge the other guy's 'wants' too. Apparently, he wanted some quiet time in front of the boob-tube and you wanted to talk. You can't control what he does, but you CAN control what YOU do... so pick your time in order to guarantee better success.

 

...And during one of those more optimal times, do have a talk about what you two REALLY need from one another. I would suggest that you read through a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman and His Needs / Her Needs by Harley. Try reading together... in bed.

 

You might also read through the Basic Concepts section at the marriagebuilders website, with special attention to "LoveBusters" and "The Three States of Mind in Marriage". Also read the article there on "Why Women Leave Men". (Heck, I'd print that one off for him if I were you )

[Fiona]

Timing is important. Listening is sometimes harder than talking. I asked mine if he would go to counseling with me. He was genuinely surprised and asked why. We weren't communicating. Until that moment, he had no idea that we had a problem. We make time to just talk. Sometimes after we tuck the kids away, or we go out for a quiet dinner. It's not about Shrekky solving my problems, I just need a sounding board. I find it harder to listen; his stuff is so mundane!

[SydneyHeart]

Thanks so much for your input.

[SydneyHeart]

Took days for these responses to show up for me - and just getting used to this board, so maybe now I can be more on board. It's been days now but thank you all soooo much for your input for a complete clueless newbie! I really appreciate that you took time to read, consider and reply. Things have gotten even worse since my last post, so I'm sure I am about to become a regular around here...