Overreacting or mental abuse??

[myboysesmom]

Ok, a little background, hubby and i have been together 7 years, 3 little boys, i am a stay at home mom. Im having a hard time forgiving my husband for hurting me. At times in our relationship I have caught him looking at porn and it was pretty hurtful to me. Each time I kind of freaked out and after the initial fight I felt so threatened by it that I stepped up in the bedroom, lost some inhibitions and did stuff I wouldn't usually do, now looking back I know I did it so that I could prove to him I was as good as anything he could get online. He said sorry, he'd never do it again, blah blah blah....long story short it happened 5 or 6 times more since then.

 

He has even admitted that some of the times he did it to upset me, and another time was for a period of 8 weeks when I was out of state to finish out my complicated pregnancy. I feel completely betrayed by him and he is offended when I don't believe his promises. I feel used, because he (I think) knows that each time he does this it eventually ends up good for him because like I said, I become more of what he likes to watch.

 

The latest incident happend about 4 months ago and when I talk about it, it's like he is offended that I think he should be accountable for the tole it's taken on me, mentally, and our marriage. It has lead to lack of trust, it makes me feel disgusting and ugly, and I truly feel that maybe he is trying break down my self esteem.

 

When we first met he let me know that his ex-girlfriend was better looking than me, and ever since it's like I have been trying to convince him that I am good enough, and when I feel good, thats when it seems like this stuff happens all over again. It almost feels like he's messing with my head. Now, I don't think he is that calculating, but looking back I have to wonder.

 

I am a former shell of what I used to be, I used to be fun and talkative, but now I just kind of sit at home and take care of him and our children. I love my husband and I want to get over this, but I don't think I can if he keeps getting angry about me calling him out. He owes me (i think) a little bit of explaination and maybe, just maybe, some humility, instead the conversation turns back to when we were first dating and an other guy kissing ME at a party, 8 years ago....and he has to go back that far because I have been a great wife to him.

 

I'm not perfect, we have our issues but this one just seems so deliberate and mean spirited that I have to wonder if my wellbeing means anything to him. He has shaken any confidence that I had.

 

I guess my question is, am I overreacting? Am I asking him to be sorry for something ridiculous? Is he right or am I? Is he using me? How do I get over this so that our marriage can grow, or do I need to wait until I feel like he's really sorry. Do I sound like an idiot? Have I completely over-looked that he is trying to keep me feeling crappy about myself so that I will just stay at home and not want to do anything without him? Man, I sound like a moron. It's wierd now that it is written in black and white I see that things are bad. I'm the lady on Montel that I yell at to "just leave his ass!" duh.....help me.

[4whatItsWorth]

First of all, the porn thing isn't really anything you can be upset over. Men look at porn, sad but true. They don't do it because we are not pleasing them - it's their little trip to fantasy land. Sadly, I do not think women can tell men not to look at porn - we can only ask them to hide it and never be around us when they do.

 

But when it comes to doing it on purpose to get what he wants...that is wrong. It's not abuse, but it is mean. The next time he does it, you should NOT give him what he wants. You have to treat a man like a dog sometimes - show him that the behaviour will NOT be positively reinforced by giving him what he wants. All you're teaching him (which is shown by him admitting doing it on purpose for you to find out) is that if he does it to you - he'll get the sex he wants.

 

To go back 8 years to argue against you only shows that he knows you haven't done anything bad since then.

 

You are not over-reacting, but it doesn't have to end in divorce. It does, however, concern me how you say that you're not what you used to be - when personality changes for the worse, it is never a good sign. Does he make you happy? Why doesn't he? Do you love him enough to stay and try to work on your issues? Those are questions you need to ask yourself. Perhaps take some time off alone on a holiday, letting him know you don't know where things are going and you need some time alone. Go with some girlfriends - see what happens! Perhaps you'll miss him more than ever...or perhaps you will realise you don't miss him at all?

 

Let him know he is hurting your feelings and he is NOT entitled to. Nobody is. If he cannot love and appreciate you - who will? (Someone who knows what a great woman you are -that's who!) Suggest councelling, or even make it a DEMAND.

 

Things can work out, you just have to decide where to draw the line.

[kimberlyk]

When we first met he let me know that his ex-girlfriend was better looking than me

 

RED FLAG: You should not have let that go on any further than it did, if I would have heard that, I would have probably not stayed in that relationship. beauty is on the inside, not the outside! Although you have chosen to stay and have children with this man, I suggest you enter counseling immediately to start working on both of your issues. If he loves you, he will attend the sessions and try to make this a more fulfilling marriage for the both of you. I assume that comment about the ex hurt you deeply or you would have forgotten about it by now and not even mentioned it.

 

Counseling!!!

[IpAncA]

No I don't think your overreacting. I can't believe he did that while you were pregnant. The guy obviously doesn't care.

 

I also would suggest counseling. If not MC then IC for you.

[Rhyla]

First of all, the porn thing isn't really anything you can be upset over. Men look at porn, sad but true. They don't do it because we are not pleasing them - it's their little trip to fantasy land. Sadly, I do not think women can tell men not to look at porn - we can only ask them to hide it and never be around us when they do.

Not True! Its up to a couple to decide what is and is not acceptable within a relationship. It has to be something both are comfortable with. Neither my partner nor I look at porn, we feel it is disrespectful to the other partner. This is bad advice. If it is hurting her and her marriage, then it is a concern, and it is something she is within her rights to say she wont tolerate.

 

To the OP. YOU need to decide if this is something you will tolerate in your relationship. If not, then YOU need to be willing to follow through and not keep letting him get away with it and still staying. Otherwise, YOU need to let it go, and *really* let it go. There is no inbetween. You need to decide where you stand, and have a good talk with your partner so that you're both on the same page. But you can't keep letting yourself get hurt, and your self esteem crushed like this, it's not good for you.

[seibert253]

If your not comfortable with the porn thing then there needs to be a stop of it. Don't reward him for bad behavior by going the extra mile in the sack. If you caught him this number of times, then I guarentee he does it alot more than you think. I know, I've been there. Porn addiction is very tough to control. I don't think you ever truly get rid of it. Being open and honest is a good start.

Peace and God Bless

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't believe he did that while you were pregnant. The guy obviously doesn't care.

I've read the original post twice and I'm somewhat confused as to what the "that" is he did while you were pregnant? OP, please explain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[4whatItsWorth]

Not True! Its up to a couple to decide what is and is not acceptable within a relationship. It has to be something both are comfortable with. Neither my partner nor I look at porn, we feel it is disrespectful to the other partner. This is bad advice. If it is hurting her and her marriage, then it is a concern, and it is something she is within her rights to say she wont tolerate.

 

I'm not sure if I would see it that way. Usually if you tell a guy to lay off their porn they'll just find another way to access it when you won't know.

 

I DID say she shouldn't reward him when he did use it in front of her btw... I never said it was good for her marriage. But with my experience - somethings men won't negotiate about.

[Bobster999]

I can't believe how controlling and uptight women are---give your guy some space. It is much better than him going out and hooking up with someone.

[justpassingthrough]

I guess my question is, am I overreacting? Am I asking him to be sorry for something ridiculous? Is he right or am I? Is he using me? How do I get over this so that our marriage can grow, or do I need to wait until I feel like he's really sorry. Do I sound like an idiot? Have I completely over-looked that he is trying to keep me feeling crappy about myself so that I will just stay at home and not want to do anything without him? Man, I sound like a moron. It's wierd now that it is written in black and white I see that things are bad. I'm the lady on Montel that I yell at to "just leave his ass!" duh.....help me.

 

Is the real issue the series of broken promises?

[myboysesmom]

what he did while I was pregnant was purchase, hide, lie about having porn. Meanwhile he was so angry at me for being sick and away from him. I know....

Porn is something that early on we tried together but I knew that it left me with a feeling of inferiority because i will never be 19, and I do have 3 kids, I mean im hot, but not porno hot, and that seems to be what he wants. But i think that when he agreed and promised that he would stop thats where it should have stopped. I think that had he said, "no, i wont stop" things would be different, I may not have stayed, but at least I would know. Be a man, if you believe that porn is a right as a human being than say so....but he didn't do that.

 

After rereading my post yesterday I was able to see that I have contributed to it by not standing up for myself, obviously, if the consequences were bad enough he never would have done it again. And I do agree with the theory that for every rat you see there is fifity...but he would NEVER admit to that.

 

So the fight started on Tuesday, and it happens when I see certain types of girls on tv and I auntomatically get sad. I feel horrible about myself, and he asks whats wrong, I tell him that I feel ****ty and he acts like *eye roll* here we go again.....and hes so arrogant about it and says things like "is this a life sentence" and it's like he is so inconvienienced by my sadness...oh he pisses me off. Now we havent spoken for 2 days except for when he gets home and says "so...are you still mad at me?" and I say "what has changed, why wouldn't I be" and he's like "ok", and thats it. I have cried and told him how humiliating it is for me to realize that I have degraded myself to prove my worthiness and he just sits there and tries to get me to say the things I have done out loud even though he knows im ashamed. He hasn't hugged me, he has mustered up a generic and Insincere apology (ya know, I'm sorry, I don't know what else I can say....)Usually followed up by an excuse of why he did it (you left me alone, I was lonely, I wanted to make you mad...) and he has basically ignored me. I know he is embaressed by it and I know why he wouldn't want to talk about it, but I feel like he did this to me and now I am serving the sentence, and i promise I dont talk about it near as much as I think about it. I know i shouldn't care so much about this, but I do.

The big problem ( and yes, I know it sounds crazy and I probably need counselling, but I'm going to be honest... here goes) is that on Tuesday I asked him to stop trying to convince me that he thinks I am hotter than the porno girls, because I feel like he is patronizing me, lying to me, it is an insult to my intelligence. I think I have dealt with the actual porn issue, I just feel like he thinks he can say "baby, youre hotter than any of those girls.." and he thinks Im just going to giggle and say thank you. I am realistic, I know I'm not, but it just irks me to think that he actually is trying to make me think that. right? Because, lets pretend I am, he has had, umm, "pictures" of me before and he's NEVER "used" them. THAT is humiliating. He has been known to to download over 50 pornos in one night when he could have just opened a folder on our computer. So that's what I said to him, "if im so great why didn't you just look at my pictures?" and then he said "youre right" and that sucks. I know I asked for it, but that confirmation was tough. Now that its out there in the universe I have to think about it and he has no inkling as to what kind of hit to the ego that has. I don't even think he cares. I mean, doesn't every women deserve to feel like they are what their husbands fantasies are all about? Even if we aren't we should at least be able to FEEL like it. How does he ever expect for me to walk around naked with confidence? I don't know....

 

Oh, something has bugged me from my first post...."a former shell of myself..." i meant a "shell of my former self" that makes more sense.

 

Sorry about the long post but I literally have no one to talk to about this, and it's alomost therapeutic to get it out. thanks for listening and caring. Anymore thoughts, opinions,suggestions, or POV's are welcome.

[Bobster999]

Jeez---you both need counseling ASAP---especially you.

[myboysesmom]

I can't believe how controlling and uptight women are---give your guy some space. It is much better than him going out and hooking up with someone.

I cant believe that men are so chicken **** as to lie about a promise they never intended on keeping....grow up, the whole basis of a marriage is KNOWING you can rely on ones word, and since I have kept my promises I feel entitled to the same treatment. WE AGREED to the boundaries of our relationship, that left me with a warm fuzzy feeling, but he lied and that feeling went away, why do I not deserve to feel like he is honest with me? I am honest with him. Maybe your wife (if you still or have ever had one) lets you do things like that, but if she does, she is ok with that. I'm not knocking people with more open or liberal relationships, I just don't happen to want one like that and my husband promised me that he would be as good to me as I have been to him.

[amaysngrace]

give your guy some space. It is much better than him going out and hooking up with someone.

 

This is what I was thinking. I don't think it's so much that a woman is controlling or uptight...just insecure.

 

I think some women may be intimidated by their guys looking at porn. Maybe it makes them feel inadequate? But if you love your guy and this is what he's into then so what? As long as he doesn't leave it lying about for the boys to find then really what's the big deal? He's a man not a robot. If he gets turned on by it then you can use that to your own advantage as a woman.

 

Really I think you feel he isn't treating you the way you'd like to be treated and you're just picking on this one thing you think is disrespectful to you.

 

You asked "is he using you?" That's a pretty major question seeing how he's married you and chose you to be the mother of his children. I've never heard of a wife thinking she's being "used" by her husband.

 

How does he feel? Does he feel used by you as well? He is the one who provides for you and the children so that you can be a stay at home mom and reap the rewards of spending every precious moment raising your very precious sons. He is doing so right by you in that aspect and is making a huge difference in your life and theirs.

 

Do you see that? Do you appreciate and admire him for that? Do you let him know?

 

I agree that you can benefit from counselling. Marriage counselling. Your husband isn't abusive IMO. I think you have both failed to appreciate the positives in each other and dwell on what's wrong.

 

That can be marital suicide.

 

He must be a pretty decent guy, you married him and gave birth to his children. You chose to make a go with him in life.

 

I really think you need to have outside interests besides being a mom/wife. I think in being so much to so many we sometimes lose ourselves in the process.

 

When was the last time you took a hot bath or picked up a good book? Until you make the time to value yourself it's real hard to expect others to appreciate your worth. And sometimes, unfortunately, it causes them to lose respect for you.

 

I don't think your marriage is over. I think it just needs a little tweaking and an honest effort on both your parts.

[Kathleen2260]

I've somewhat walked in your shoes before- I'm not married so I think your problem is much more serious than mine ever was but I can relate. My ex used to be addicted to porn. Its not that I had a problem with the porn so much. At first I even bought videos for him so we could watch them together. I was a "cool" girlfriend when it came to that stuff. But when he started hiding it from me and constantly lieing about it it became a big problem. I think its the fact that your husband told you he'd stop and didnt'. And also the fact that he he knows it hurts you and deliberately rubs it in your face! That is not respectful at all. Its the worse kind of pain when one knows what hurts us deeply and does it anyway. So while I dont have answers since my solution to the problem was to leave my ex. He is still alone by the way, him and his porn, hope he is happy. But since you have 3 children that option has far more serious consequences than my leaving did. Also you love your husband and want to stay with him which I understand.

 

I would suggest counseling as the other posters have suggested. Its not a quick fix but it may help.

[myboysesmom]

Is the real issue the series of broken promises?

absolutely...I do really think that this has alot to do with it...

 

and amysngrace...youre right he is a GREAT guy, hes a GREAT dad, he has just done somethings that leave me questioning how important my wellbeing is to him. When I ask if he is using me I am more wondering if he is using my insecurities to get me to do the things he wants. I think it's a womans instinct to do what it takes to keep a good man, but I don't think it's fair if he is causing situations that would make me insecure. When we got together there were alot of things and people in my life that left him uneasy, and when I fell in love with him, there was no question in my mind that i would give it all up for our life together. I don't regret it, in fact, I thank him, my life with him has been wonderful, I love my children and him more than anything. I read The proper care and feeding of men about 3 years ago, and I learned alot. I was only 18 when we met, 19 when we had our son, and I grew up alot after reading that book, now at almost 25, i still have to remind myself that he is a man and needs certain "man things" I cant fault him for seeing a pretty lady and being turned on, whatever, but to purposefully break a promise, lie, blame, and actively seek OUTSIDE stimulation isn't right. niether is being angry with me for holding him to expectations of what he promised me. I am a good woman, I cook, clean, rasie our children, my mom taught me how to be a good wife and I love taking care of him, I don't feel used if I bring him dinner or a drink, I'm not a feminist like that, I just want a little respect and concern for my happiness. I would be lying if I said my self image has not always been an issue. I honestly have no idea what I look like, I see pictures and it's not what I see in the mirror, so it is my own problem, but he promised to not do the things that further make me question just how much he is attracted to me. and really, i think I could get over it if he even gave the impression that he cares and understands. I tell him often that he is a good man, and that I am proud to be his wife, I am, I just wish i felt like he was proud to have me as his wife and I can't when i feel like he would rather have something that is not and never can be me.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that you're in such a bad place inside your head.

 

I think you're taking his looking at porn personally but it's really not about you. It's about him fulfilling his needs. He's not doing it out of spite yet you're taking it that way. I don't agree that he lies to you or tries to cover it up from you, but seriously, if you didn't nag him about it so much he'd have nothing to hide from you.

 

In some way he may feel as though you are treating him like a child. Telling him what he can and cannot do. He's already had a mother. You're his wife. If you were okay with watching porn with him in the beginning but changed throughout your marriage you have to admit that it was a little unfair of you. And he treats you unfairly back. Not saying it's right on either side but I can understand it.

 

I think it's mostly about your perception. You see things he does as deliberate or an attack on your self-esteem. For what reason would he do that? Don't you think he wants a confident woman by his side? One he is proud to call his wife? And don't you think deep down he is proud of you? If he weren't he'd have never married you and taken the ultimate commitment with you. He is probably very proud of you.

 

It's just that you aren't very proud of yourself.

 

What on earth caused you to feel lesser than anybody? Who told you that or made you believe that about yourself? You said you've been thinking this way for a very long time, so it's not about your husband watching porn. This is about you.

 

Figure out why you feel lesser or inadequate and you can start to help yourself take pride in who you are. I'm sure you have a whole lot to be proud of in your lifetime. Yet something keeps bringing you back to what's wrong. And it's most likely some little voice inside your own head. A voice that expresses a belief that someone or something put there.

 

And you listen to it. Trust me, you need to get to the heart of this belief you hold about yourself. Otherwise it will compromise your well-being and keep you from having the happiness you're in search of.

[Mr. Lucky]

what he did while I was pregnant was purchase, hide, lie about having porn. Meanwhile he was so angry at me for being sick and away from him. I know....

I'd say I was surprised at your reaction but I'd be afraid of starting another porn attack/defend thread. Since you were apart for 8 weeks, would it be OK (in your mind) for him to masturbate without porn?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guest]

I'd say I was surprised at your reaction but I'd be afraid of starting another porn attack/defend thread. Since you were apart for 8 weeks, would it be OK (in your mind) for him to masturbate without porn?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, the masturbation is not the problem, it's the deception and insensitivity to my feelings that sucks. I didn't expect him to spend 8 weeks alone and save it up...he would explode.... I'm really not a dictater (hehehe) i just want him to keep his promises to me like I keep to him.

[myboysesmom]

yes.... i just dont deserve to be lied to

[katiebour]

Here's my input:

 

Men are visual creatures, for the most part. They get turned on by what they see more easily than a woman does. Ask any guy if he ever had an unexpected "reaction" as a teenager or even an adult while seeing a pretty girl if you need to prove it.

 

Porn is a man's way of enjoying and exploiting this visual sensitivity, if you will. Along with masturbation it's one of the easiest ways for him to have a great orgasm because in addition to the visual stimulus, he has only himself to please.

 

If he was choosing to masturbate to porn rather than have sex with you, leaving you sex-deprived, then that would be a problem.

 

As for who is more attractive, you or the porn ladies, consider this: Most of those women have had sex with dozens of men- they do it for a job and for the most part their enthusiasm and orgasms are faked. They can't or won't make a living with their mind or skills, so they peddle their bodies instead.

 

How can a woman, an actress like that, ever match up to the wonder of a living, breathing, sincere, loving woman? What do you have to fear from an actress? Do you feel insecure when watching a Hollywood movie that you aren't as attractive as the actresses? If so, then I'd agree with amaysngrace that you need to explore your insecurities and come to grips with them. If not, then why should porn actresses make you feel any less secure than a Hollywood actress?

 

If your marriage bed is still satisfying for the both of you, then I'd say it's controlling to try and dictate how your husband can satisfy his needs on his own time. "Only masturbate to pictures of me because I feel insecure when you masturbate to porn?" His masturbation, on his own time, is not about you or your insecurities. It's about him releasing tension and enjoying himself without having to worry about pleasing you. Do you dictate other forms of entertainment in his life too? If so, again you need to reconsider your role in the marriage as a partner rather than a dictator.

 

As for the lying to you, yes, it's wrong, but he probably resents having to report to you on every aspect of what is a personal activity.

 

I mean, doesn't every women deserve to feel like they are what their husbands fantasies are all about?

 

No- again, fantasies are personal, private ways of gaining more pleasure during a sexual activity. Trying to regulate someone's fantasy around what you want sounds very controlling to me. Don't you ever fantasize?

 

my husband promised me that he would be as good to me as I have been to him.

 

Enough with the quid pro quo attitude. This is not about being good to your partner- it's about enjoying yourself.

 

I think you are over-reacting and making yourself the center of something that doesn't concern you.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but bottom line:

 

It's not about you.

[tommyr]

There are tons of posts on here about porn (just do a search) so you might find it helpful to read more on the topic.

 

Sounds like your H is having trouble keeping his promise to stop viewing porn. Personally, I think he was an idiot for ever making that promise: you are right, he should have told you way-back-at-the-start so you could make a decision before marriage+kids. Too late for that, so here are some options that I can see:

 

1) Hold him to his promise: no porn, ever. If he can't live up to it, then divorce him.

 

2) Change your views on porn (hypnosis?) so it doesn't bother you anymore.

 

3) Negotiate some other acceptable forms of masturbation material that your husband can use in place of porn. Maybe he has a fetish for spiked shoes or panty sniffing... not that I would know about any of that.

[myboysesmom]

ok...the bottom line is the lying and the fact that he ADMITTED to doing this specifically to cause me pain....and i think that shows a major lack of respect and sensitivity to a problem he and I both know is a personal problem. I realize I am extremely overly-sensitive about this subject.. and yes there are particular hollywood actresses that he has mentioned being more attractive than me, that I have a hard time watching. I have a real fear of thinking and wondering if he is thinking about someone else while we are together. I feel like i represent none of the things he finds attractive...I am clearly not his "type". Now, lets get one thing straight...I am not so controlling as to say "this is exceptable material, and this is not....you can think about this and not this." Nor, have I even asked that he look at my pictures, I mentioned it because he was trying to say that I was the best when, well, if im so great.....you know. I just want him to stop treating me like an idiot.

 

Still the main problem is that I have given him opportunities to stand up for himself if he thinks he should be able to look at porn be man and say so, and the bad part is that each time he sucked me back in with a promise of being better and then when I got all comfy and settled, and he gets angry at me for visiting my family or being sick and unable to be around or even perform due to my pregnancy and punishes me. I say he punishes me because that's what he says, now maybe that's an excuse for him not having any self control but, whatever.

 

The worst part is his complete lack of remorse, and if he can't feel bad for hurting me then he is not who I thought he was. I can't be with someone who can take my biggest fear and insecurity and exploit it to remind me that I'm not so great. The first few times were innocent but at some point it became vendictive. He's not addicted to porn....he's addicted to making me feel insecure so that I won't have the strength to think for myself. He left last night to stay with his mom, because he told me that he couldn't be sorry for this, so we'll see what happens.

It's not a matter of quid pro quo, its a matter of mutual respect between two adults and having enough integrity to do the right thing....quid pro quo would mean that I would have to retaliate against him somehow, and I haven't....I dont chat with people, I don't talk about or look at other guys, I would never want to be with a man who felt inferior or just not good enough. I have given him an opportunity to mak ethings better but maybe it's just not worth it to him to swallow his pride and admit that he has been wrong. I know you all think it's harsh, but we are talking about 7 years of this and I feel like a moron for sticking around and just letting it keep on happening. I deserve better, and my kids deserve a sain mom.

[amaysngrace]

You want him to admit he was wrong. Are you willing to admit you were wrong in trying to make him stop looking at porn? You were cool with it in the beginning and then changed on him.

 

Do you take any blame for the circumstances you're in at all?

[amaysngrace]

2) Change your views on porn (hypnosis?) so it doesn't bother you anymore.

 

 

AFAIK she didn't get hypnotized to go from being okay with it to having a problem with it.

 

If she can do a one-eighty in one direction surely she can switch it back on her own. Thing is, she chooses not to and then makes him out to be the 'bad guy'. Although she did say he was a GREAT guy and a GREAT dad.

 

But it's always easiest to lay the blame solely on the other person and gripe about injustices.