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Girlfriend constantly putting me down


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chocolate_boy

This is starting to piss me off a bit. i'm 25 and went to uni, now i work as a manager and dj in radio... i'm an assistant programme director and presenter of an afternoon show. I live with my girlfriend who is 20 and she never went to uni, and is trying to get a career in the media off the ground.

 

Yet she's constantly going on about what an underacheiver I am and how i just plod along with life and she could "never live like" me, she said she'd be suicidal if she was in the same position as me at my age!

 

Now this is a bit upsetting, especially since most of my friends seem to think I have a dream career and I earn pretty decent money from it, about three times what my friends earn.

 

I do have aspirations of maybe one day doing networked shows and working for bigger stations, and have a few interviews coming up, yet tonight she's going on at me again about how I'm at a standstill and have been for years, just cos I've been in the same job for three years... I have got a bit bored of it recently and am now planning a move later in the year, but I only decided on this last month, she thinks I'm going at snails pace cos I havent found a new job yet.

 

now my girl is fiercly career minded and extremely ambiotios, always striving for perfection, and in her mind she can not progress quick enough, she wants everything today, she missed out on uni as it would have "taken three years out of my life", has no friends, and gets extremely depressed, she said if she hasn''t achevied her dream career by the time shes 21 she will give up on life.

 

Now I know she's young, but not being as fiercely career focussed as her I'm different, but it pisses me off that she thinks I'm a lay-about who dreams but doesn't get anything done. I went to uni had an awesome three years, then got a career I went to uni to get.. sucess... I have lived in a gorgeous apartment, got a nice group of friends, good workmates, yet she makes me feel lazy and an underacheiver cos I don't have everything I dream of in life by now.

 

I'm right to feel pissed off yeah? We've just had a big fight over it, her crying cos she hasn't got her dream job yet, saying there's no point unless it all happens in the next 12 months she will give up on life, and I'm trying to console her saying that life is long and she doesn't need everything right now, then she's throwing it all back in my face, "ah what so I end up like you in five years, just at a standstill and always just plodding along in life, doing everything at a snail's pace".

 

Infact careers are the main thing we argue about, I try and explain that I always like to stay in a job until I've progressed as far as I can and got a full experience out of it, I started out being a street-team member on our hitsquad handing out flyers three years ago and have progressed to management over those three years. She's like "yeah so do I, but what it takes you five years to do I could do in a month, so could you, you're just scared of moving out of your comfort zone".

 

Not true really, I'm just not always looking round the corner for the next best thing, she just can't comprehend that at all, and thinks its due to fear and laziness.

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Your girlfriend is wrong to think you are an underachiever. She is projecting her fears on to you for her own perceived lack of success in her own life. She is totally unrealistic about her expectations about where she should be career wise at 21. Do not let her comments discourage you in your own career. For someone who is just 25 it sounds like you are on a great career path and are doing just fine.

 

What concerns me more is someone at 20 who says if she hasn't achevied her dream career by the time shes 21 she will give up on life. Your girlfriend is out of touch with reality and with her attitude she will always be disappointed in people around her and in herself.

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i'm 25 and went to uni, now i work as a manager and dj in radio...

First of all, congratulations! I think you're doing great at age 25!!

 

Don't let her make you feel bad...She is JEALOUS of your accomplishments, that is why she's putting you down.

 

Also, you're 25, she's 20. Maturity wise she may not be on the same page as you...

 

Work accomplishments are important, but being a good person all around is just as important. Enjoying life, spending time with good friends and family.

 

You are where you should be in life, so do NOT let her make you feel bad. Be proud of yourself!!

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That's called verbal abuse.

 

With me, it started coming from my H 4 years after we were married. Same situation, where I have more education, earned more per hour, can play over half a dozen instruments, etc., and all he ever did was find fault. He criticized my singing and later said, "Well, you're so good at everything else, I have to get you where I can!"

 

It went on for over a dozen years, until that and other things got me mad enough to tell him we were heading towards divorce. I never told him that earlier because at the time I wasn't prepared to carry through with it, not wanting to hurt the children.

 

In retrospect, I should have put my foot down immediately when he started it, even if that meant risking divorce. NO ONE has the right to treat others that way, and she will almost without a doubt continue to do so until you make it absolutely clear you WILL. NOT. TOLERATE IT.

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I think you have a good attitude about stuff. The way you described it sums up the approach I've always taken very well. I've never had the "climb the ladder as fast as possible at all costs" attitude, and I've never really found people who work that way trustworthy or respectable.

 

I don't know what her problem is, exactly. She's jealous or insecure or it could be several other things or maybe a mix. But she's not saying things that show she respects or supports you. She's comparing you and herself to some ideal that she's created, it sounds like.

 

I remember my ex saying similar sorts of things about me. Not so much professionally, but more about personal choices. Things I think are not a problem and should never be a problem. Just little wedges she could drive into the relationship for whatever reason.

 

The question is how can you progress in a relationship when those wedges are there keeping you apart. You should be someone she respects and admires, or else why would she be with you?

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The other thing is, some people are more career driven and have bigger ego's. Sounds like she just wants alot of success. Problem with that is, she misses out on enjoying the ride on the way...Gotta stop and smell the roses! And, that is what you've done, stopped and smelled the roses.

Go at your own pace and try your best NOT to let her words upset you. It really isn't about you, it's about her and her own expectations.

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She's projecting all of her perfectionism and dissatisfaction onto you, and she needs to figure this out. Clearly you are very accomplished, and she was probably attracted to you in part because of this, it's her problem. Try to find a nonconfrontational and gentle way to coax her to realize this. :bunny:

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, about three times what my friends earn.

Sounds like you have an ego problem. Chill, dude. That doesn't make you three times better than them.

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chocolate_boy
Sounds like you have an ego problem. Chill, dude. That doesn't make you three times better than them.

 

Point out where I said it did? :rolleyes:

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Sounds like you have an ego problem. Chill, dude. That doesn't make you three times better than them.

 

Cranky!! :(:bunny::sick:

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Point out where I said it did? :rolleyes:

Why even mention it?? Hence, ego. You're mostly bothered about this because you feel you have something to prove to your girlfriend. I'm just saying.

Cranky!! :(:bunny::sick:

Don't use that tone with me. :eek::bunny::p

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chocolate_boy

Thanks for the replies so far guys, it sounds very on the ball. Her father always used to show such dismay at her if she wasn't the perfect little girl, and I think maybe that has carried into adult hood, she herself admits nothing short of perfect is acceptable.

 

I worry though, I feel she's gonna set herself up for a lot of hurt if everything doesn't go the way she wants it to. She is already hurting cos things aren't going quickly enough.

 

For example, she said if she was in my position as a radio dj, she'd want to be as big as howard stern or she wouldn't ever be satisfied or happy, I think she just sees anything less than the absolute top as somewhat of a failure.

 

I don't know how to convince her otherwise, I've tried but she always dismisses it as me being too scared or lazy to ever aim for that, and that I'm just content with the middle-American lazy suburbanite life, and that's somehow sad or bad and I should be doing so much more.

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chocolate_boy
Why even mention it?? Hence, ego. You're mostly bothered about this because you feel you have something to prove to your girlfriend. I'm just saying.

 

That I admit I do feel like I have something to prove to her yeah, I wouldnt have started this thread otherwise. I don't however feel I'm better than my friends, you took that out of context.

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CB, focus on the more positive advice.

 

Why even mention it?? Hence, ego. You're mostly bothered about this because you feel you have something to prove to your girlfriend. I'm just saying.

 

Uh, that's cuz she's trying to make him feel bad. She's putting him down alot so usually when people are pushed past their limits, they feel the need to defend themselves and prove something. In his situation he has EVERY right to feel this way.

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Ok, so she has something to prove to her own father, which in turn, makes her more driven for success. And with that, she's probably had to grow a tough skin to put up with her dad all those years at home.

 

Explain to her how it makes you feel when she puts you down. And, show her the comparisons on how she is treating you, compared to how her dad treated her.

 

These are her own personal issues and demons, not yours...But, with that being said, she can make an effort to change and keep the comments to herself.

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chocolate_boy

This does spill over into other parts of life, she feels she's over weight, despite being 5.5 and weighing 126 pounds which to me is perfectly fine.

 

I'm 5.8 and weigh about 150 and I probably do have a very small belly that I could get rid of if I wanted to, but most of my life I've been underweight, so to me I'm perfectly happy with my size and weight these days, yet she constantly goes on about old pics she's seen of me and how much better I looked when I was thin and how I am "fat" now and she is too and we should be at the gymn working out all the time.

 

Again, I'm happy with the way I am, yet she can't accept or believe that I could me... If I try to talk to her about it I get met with extreme stubborness to accept her view is wrong. :(

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, you took that out of context.

Sorry about that.

CB, focus on the more positive advice.

Yeah. You negative people piss me off.

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I think she needs to see a psychologist or maybe even a psychiatrist. She'll kill herself at 21?? Very unstable to me.

It must be tough for you to live with such a negative person.

 

There's more to life than a career... good grief!!

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chocolate_boy
I think you need to man-up a bit and don't let this chick walk all over you...

 

Well I wouldn't say i let her walk al over me, I do stick up for myself, hence some absolutely fiery raging arguments we have over it. It's just the situation, I don't like my girlfriend thinking of me as a bum which she evidently does, bizarrely. I'm just trying to get my head around it still.

 

Usually I'll get pissed off and tell her to shut up and i'll talk to her again when she's talking sense, maybe not the best way to deal with it, but it does piss me off royaly.

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chocolate_boy
I think she needs to see a psychologist or maybe even a psychiatrist. She'll kill herself at 21?? Very unstable to me.

It must be tough for you to live with such a negative person.

 

There's more to life than a career... good grief!!

 

I don't take her saying she'd give up on life as meaning suicide, I think she just means if she hasn't acheived her dreams by the time she's 21, she'll give up on them as it'll be too late. I suppose its an age thing, she said to me the other day "you wont ever understand it, i'm just starting my career now and its already too late for you, you're at the end of yours"! I've only been working for three years, I wouldn't quite say I'm over the hill yet, but she does see 25 as an age where I should have everything I want in life by now and i've failed cos I havent.... maybe its just an immaturity thing?

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I don't like my girlfriend thinking of me as a bum which she evidently does, bizarrely. I'm just trying to get my head around it still.

 

But, you know you're not a bum. You have a good job and make good money. I hate to say it, but she sounds high maitenance too, not only has a push on herself to BE something, she expects you (and probably others around her as well) to be the sameway. She IS immature, and has alot of growing up to do. Anybody who throws around killing themselves if they haven't accomplished X, Y or Z at age 21, needs to grow UP alot. She has alot of maturing and growing to do as a person...

 

Usually I'll get pissed off and tell her to shut up and i'll talk to her again when she's talking sense, maybe not the best way to deal with it, but it does piss me off royaly.

 

See, that's not real mature either...Telling someone to shut-up. The best way to handle her when she's pissing you off is tell come out and say "I can't talk to you when you're saying stuff like to this to me, so when I calm down and you're ready to talk like to me with more respect, THEN we'll talk." And, then walk away...........

 

I suppose its an age thing, she said to me the other day "you wont ever understand it, i'm just starting my career now and its already too late for you, you're at the end of yours"!

 

Yes, this is immaturity. She hasn't a CLUE about jobs, life in general. If she really thinks at age 21 life is over if you're not established and settled, she DOES need a reality check. WTF.

 

I've only been working for three years, I wouldn't quite say I'm over the hill yet, but she does see 25 as an age where I should have everything I want in life by now and i've failed cos I havent.... maybe its just an immaturity thing?

 

You're not even close, so don't worry about it at all. And you haven't failed. If she makes you feel like you have, then I have to ask - WHY are you with a girl who makes you feel like crap and is making YOU feel insecure and bad about yourself??? Seems you two are not a good match, at all...

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She's a dream killer. Dump her now before she traps you and convinces you to give up your dreams and work some job you hate because you'll make better money at it.

 

Do you have a dad or an older, experienced man you can talk to about this?

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She's a dream
You can go to extremes with impossible schemes

You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams

And life gets more exciting with each passing day

And love is either in your heart or on its way

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