Something's happening, but I have no idea what

[spud4]

Hi,

 

My wife and I have been together almost five years. It's been wonderful, up until a few months ago.

 

It got bad because I started carpooling with another female to and from work (about 40 miles away). Up until this point I had NO idea that my wife was the jealous type, mostly because I always tended to stay away from as many other females as possible. In fact, looking back now, I should have paid more attention. She'd always say, "Men and women cannot be just friends. Someone always ends up having feelings for the other person."

 

So, I carpool. I mention it to my wife because I didn't think anything of it, and she gets very, very, very upset. Crying, the whole thing. I'm shocked 1) because I never so much look at another woman and 2) I would have no issue had the situation been reversed.

 

She pleads with me, telling me she's just so jealous (tears, et al), and that it has nothing to do with distrust. But how can it not?

 

So after a week or so of this (she'd always want to drop the topic, then revisit it), I ended the carpooling. On New Year's, she confesses to me that she was being really stupid and that I could, if I mention how terrible the other woman is (who is married, with three children, and has no interest in me whatsoever, the same with me) on a daily basis to make her feel better, start it again.

 

About a week later, she officially tells me to go ahead and start it again (a point of conflict, as she now claims she never gave me the go ahead).

 

Same thing: a week goes by, she goes crazy, cries, gets incredibly upset, etc., and I stop.

 

About two weeks later, she's asking me why we never have sex. I tell her straight-up that it's because I just don't feel "into it," as I thought the whole carpool thing was based in mistrust, which, you know, doesn't really endear you to the other person. Of course, she gets incredibly upset.

 

This woman is completely different than the one I married. She's been nagging (telling me to clean up, take out the garbage, etc., which I have no problem doing, but it's just very much a dictatorship) a lot lately as well (started before the carpooling).

 

Maybe she's just incredibly insecure, or down on herself, I have no idea, but it's just really hard to deal with because I never know what's going to happen when I get home at night.

[whichwayisup]

There has to be a real reason why she's freaking out so much about carpooling with another woman...People do this ALL the time and don't end up falling inlove, or having affairs.

 

Does she have trust issues from her past? An ex who cheated on her? Did her parents have problems like this in their marriage? Is your wife insecure with herself in general, or just when it comes to this one thing?

 

Flipside, devils advocate here - Is it possible she's reflecting her own behaviour onto you? Is she cheating on you or having an emotional or physical affair on you? Not saying she is and I don't mean to freak YOU out, but her behaviour is all over the map. Some say if a spouse is acting weird, jealous and insecure it's a reflection of what THEY are doing, which is wrong and they don't trust their spouses, thinking the spouse is doing the same thing...

 

Outside of that, is she depressed? Does she work? Is she stressed out about life? Health? Something is UP with her, so please, talk it out. Listen to her and just show her your love, how much you need her as your wife.

 

If things don't get better, I suggest you two go to marriage counselling.

[spud4]

After I posted last night, we kind of had it out a little more. She eventually admitted to me that it was her own insecurity about her looks. She said, "If I felt like you thought I was hot, scorching, etc. I wouldn't have gotten mad about the carpool."

 

So she essentially said her insecurities about herself were, in part, due to my behavior. She confessed that she doesn't feel as attractive because I don't treat her as such, so I guess that was at the root of the problem. I'm just unsure; of course I feel terrible, because I love her dearly, it seems odd for this to be mentioned now, even though the carpooling debate has been going on for a month or more.

[norajane]

it seems odd for this to be mentioned now, even though the carpooling debate has been going on for a month or more.

 

Not really odd - it's hard for people to recognize their insecurities, especially when they are flooded with emotions like jealousy and anger. And it's even harder to admit to insecurities to yourself. And hardest of all, to tell someone else about them.

 

She's asking you for reassurance that you find her attractive, hot, and feel passion for her. Unfortuanately, you're finding that hard to do because of this issue, which is then feeding her insecurities even more.

 

Be glad she spoke up about it - she could have let it fester inside her until your marriage was in tatters. Now you have a chance to turn things around. Treat her like you did when you were dating; I'm sure she'll be able to relax again if she sees how much you treasure her.

[spud4]

Definitely. I am really glad she said so, or else I probably wouldn't have realized it.

[Reckless]

That's the thing about Mars and Venus. We find it hard to be 'nice' when we're feeling unattractive. Men find it hard to treat us like we're attractive when we aren't being nice.

 

BBUUUTT.....

 

On the positive side - we (women) react very quickly when men pay us the attention we crave (but don't want to ask for because as you learnt in the induction class of male-female relationships "if we have to ask for it - it don't count") and stop nagging and bitchin' and then you can almost immediately feel that this 'nice' woman is in fact rather 'hot'.

 

Who moves first? Well, depends but in your situation since you seem aware enough about what is going on - why not you.

 

You have done nothing wrong but you wanna be right or you wanna be loved?

 

Having said that I do feel it necessary to add nonetheless that your wifes over reaction and insecurities will continue to pose future problems unless you both sit down and establish not only ground rules to do with what is and is not acceptable but ground rules about keeping trust alive so that you (notably) don't eventually end up building yourself a cage to live in. You may need to reasure her a little bit more than the average woman but you'll be making a stick to beat yourself with if you accomodate unreasonable limits on your contact with the opposite sex.