Lying and Cheating Husband

[LovelySoul]

Please read and offer advise.

 

I have been married for 1 and 1/2 years to my husband. However, we have been together a total of nine years. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It has been 11 months since I found out about his affair and I am still obsessive about it.

 

How I found out was a fluke thing. My husband said that he got called into work. However, there were some inconsistencies in his story. When I confronted him he claimed that I was crazy and owed him an apology. I apologized and later found out and confirmed that he did not go to work. When I again confronted him he claimed he went to a bar for a drink. Granted he never goes to bars by himself he always has to have a friend with him. Except for this one night. Yeah right! (during this time I was pregnant with our second child)

 

Anyways, a few months go by and we are out on St Patty's Day. The bar we went to he claims he had never been too. My memory started to churn and I remembered that he said 100% without a doubt that he went there one night with a friend several months earlier. Then I did some checking and remembered that on that night in particular he got a text message that said "U suck U know I mad at you". Something at the time told me to write down the number and I did. I never called it then. But for some reason I felt I needed to call it now. I called and discovered that it belonged to Roxanne and she knew my now husband and had been seeing him on and off for 3 and 1/2 years.

 

He denied it over and over and even got her to lie for him about their sexual involvement. He claims they had sex only 2 times and she claims it was 3 times a year with regular phone contact. I even had him take 2 lie detector tests. He still claims that she is exaggerating the truth to hurt him. Whatever.

 

Also, he was hiding money from me. Not alot but still enough for me to say hey.

 

Our relationship was good the first 4 years and then he got distant. I can honestly say I tried everything. He got sex, laughs, romance and so much more from me.

 

So why did he do it? He claims he was lost....what does that mean.

 

He claims he loves me and just didn't realize what he had. Now with the threat of losing me he has gotten his act together. So I think (can you ever be sure that it won't happen again?)

 

I guess my issue is that he wasn't man enough to tell me the truth once it was out there. He kept lying and lying. Anything to save himself, regardless of what he was doing to me in the process.

 

At this point I don't know what to do. Should I stay? Should I go? Should I get my own revenge with someone else?

 

Will this rage that I feel towards him go away?

[Grrlish]

Well, if I were in your shoes, my shoes would be walking away...with me in 'em.

 

Cheating on you with this woman for 3 1/2 years??

 

Hiding money from you?

 

He was lost...what a sorry excuse for the behavior you've described.

 

I'd say that before you decide to stay, you need to decide to let the rage go.

 

Wondering why you would stay with a man like that...

[JamesM]

If everything is as you said, then I think you should probably leave. If he can keep an affair quiet for three and a half years and continually lie about it, he has long since left the relationship. And if he can see another women right before and after his marriage, he has no respect for the vows that he stated.

[garvis]

I would leave. But I know it's not as simple as that. The only thing each of us truly has in NOW. Yesterday is gone and worrying about what may or may not happen from your actions is futile. It won't change a thing. I say if you have an urge to leave, you should. No matter how hard it may seem.

[Mr. Lucky]

He claims they had sex only 2 times and she claims it was 3 times a year with regular phone contact. I even had him take 2 lie detector tests. He still claims that she is exaggerating the truth to hurt him. Whatever.

I'm trying to picture myself, there in his shoes, I've been found out and the best I can come up with is "Honey, don't be so mad, it wasn't 3 times a year like she says, I actually only had sex with her twice". Like that's an important distinction? Only twice?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LovelySoul]

He claims that he had sex with her 2 times in 6 months (at the beginning) and the rest of the time they had only phone contact. The lie detector test confirmed his story. But in a way I think the examiner passed him even though he failed. I have asked him to retake the test through a different examiner and he refuses. I have asked him why would she lie about the amount of times they had sex and that they had unprotected sex. He claims that she is mad at him. Sex is sex. All she had to do was tell me they had sex once and that would have been bad enough. She felt guilty and said that she was telling me the truth and even let me hear his voice messages to her to confirm their contact.

 

At this point the only liar has been him. Not her.

 

I keep trying to justify what he did. I know that is not right. I can't believe it has been almost a year and I am still here. Don't think he is not paying. I wasted the last half of our relationship on him. So, I quit my job, I am going back to school while he supports me, and moved all our money to protect myself.

 

I don't know what to believe. Either way he had sex with her. But I would have more piece of mind if I felt I had the truth.

 

Based on everyone's opinion so far I should leave. If anything I will wait until I am done with school. I thought that maybe I could get past this but so far I can't.