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Sexless Marriage (Sorry long post)


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Old 30th November 2006, 12:03 PM   #1
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Sexless Marriage (Sorry long post)

Not sure if I am posting in the right forum so forgive me if I am not.

I have been married for less than a year and my husband has no desire to touch me or have any kind of sexual contact.

We are both in our late 40's and both have been married before. His ex-wife was half his age and the marriage ended after only a few months - as far as I know this was because she refused to live in the same state as my husband as she missed her family so much - I know this from talking to a very very close friend of his.

Anyway, he was on his own for about 5 years although he met lots of ladies off the internet and had a serious relationship with one. Just why that ended I am not sure - he just tells me that it wasn't going to go anywhere and so after several months of trying to get her to make a decision it ended.

Anyway this is my problem. First of all I have to say that we have a fantastic relationship - I know he loves me, I have no doubts there but there is just one problem that is making me sad in our relationship.

Let me start at the beginning.

We met more than 3 years ago (yes, on the internet) we met many times (I actually lived overseas so we were limited as to how many times we actually were physically together but we spoke on the phone and the internet everyday sometimes for as much as 5 hours at a time.

When we first met he was going through a very bad time - he had some business problems and he was facing many lawsuits - a partner of his had left him and had embezzled a lot of money and I mean a whole lot of money. My husband was suffering with depression and was in a bad way mentally. In time he learned to open up to me and we grew very close. When we first met he told me that because of all that had happened it had affected him and as a result of the depression he was struggling to be sexual. He told me he had no desire. Nevertheless we did actually later on manage to have sex and I know he struggled. I have to tell you that my husband is a very large man in the terms of weight. I tried to make him feel better and told him it was not the be all and end all of our relationship.

So as our relationship developed we never tried to have intercourse again - it was something that I wanted but I didnt want to pressurise him and at the end of the day we have a wonderful relationship apart from this one thing.

Anyway,, moving on - he has cried many times to me and told me that I deserve more - I dont want anyone else I love him so much.

He tells me he doesnt feel like a man and he does hope one day when all the problems with the lawsuits and his depression is sorted that he will make it up to me. Thats fine - I understand and wouldnt want to make him feel he has to perform just to keep me happy.

So I find out that he is watching porn on his computer and masterbating to it when I am not around- its not the fact that he watches it - all men do to some extent and I accept that - the part that hurts is that I am trying to be patient and to be honest I am so frustrated. I wish he would just touch me or hold me while I am naked. I dont care if he doesnt want to have sex - I just long to be touched - if that makes any sort of sense.

I dont want to leave him - that will never happen because like I said we have a wonderful relationship apart from this.

I have asked him if it is because I am too old to be attractive (bearing in mind his last wife was half his age), too ugly or too fat, my boobs arent big enough or what - he tells me I am just perfect the way I am but you know I am now starting to hate myself and become very critical of my appearance, my weight, my boob size and every darn wrinkle I have makes me want to scream.

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and tell someone - I couldnt talk to anyone else about this.

Thank you for reading this - sorry it is so long.
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Old 30th November 2006, 12:10 PM   #2
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It has nothing to do with you. He sounds very self-conscious. He probably masturbates/looks at porn because those women cannot criticize him. They don't see him. I realize you would never criticize your husband (well okay, I assume you never would) but he's in a spot right now where he's hyper-sensitive due to his depression.

What needs to happen is not "waiting" for legal things to be over and done. He *needs* to see a therapist. I wouldn't press him about his weight, but perhaps if you suggested going on "romantic hand-in-hand" walks after dinner he can start getting more active. That might be the impetus he needs to lose some weight. I know the weight doesn't necessarily bother YOU, but it seems clear to me that it bothers HIM.

Good luck hun.
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Old 30th November 2006, 2:42 PM   #3
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Have you or he considered Viagra? It seems so obvious...
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Old 30th November 2006, 3:28 PM   #4
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Zebra - I wish it was that simple!

Katie - I thank you for your reply.

The bit about how he doesnt have to worry about how others see him is true I guess - he is really trying to lose weight. We are making small steps and progress in that department.
I guess I will have to carry on being patient for now - counselling is not something that he is ready for at the moment but who knows what the future holds. I guess I needed to hear that it isn't all my fault - I must admit I have actually convinced myself that it is me that is the problem.
I feel better for actually "telling" someone how I feel. It feels good to have got it off my chest.
Thank you.
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Old 30th November 2006, 7:48 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusednbewildered View Post
counselling is not something that he is ready for at the moment but who knows what the future holds.
I understand, truly. It took my husband forcing me to make an appointment with a counselor for me to actually do it (and by force I meant he stood over me with the phone and a phone number and wouldn't let me leave the bedroom till it was done--and I needed it).

It is important though, our mental health is just as important as the physical sometimes. Perhaps your husband can see his general practioner for a physical. He/She might be able to recommend a course of action for the depression.

Also, you *might* want to look into counseling yourself. Being around depressed people can take it's toll on you, and a therapist may be able to help you cope and you in turn will be able to help your husband cope. Aint marriage grand that way?

Anyway, I think you're a fantastic woman for helping your husband through all this and I'm sure he realizes it too.

P.S. Fun suggestion regarding the porn: if you're comfortable with it, take some risque photographs of yourself and wrap them up and give them to your husband.
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Old 1st December 2006, 4:15 AM   #6
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I'm with you....

I'm not really sure how to reply but I wanted you to know
I feel the same in many ways, perhaps my story warrants it's own
thread but I had to reach out.

I have some issues with my husband of 10 months, no sex being the main problem, and I don't know what to do. I've thought of seeking counseling
to deal with it, in hopes that eventually he will seek help too because
I know it's not me...but as time goes by it has affected my moods
and how I interact with him. I feel like I need some guidance before
I can't deal with it anymore, I don't want my feelings about this to hurt him, but this was not how I thought our marriage would be. BTW...I'm late
30's...first marriage.

Best of luck and keep posting! Maybe we can share more.
My first post here, I'm not much into the forum posting but in time of need, I hope to be around when I can.

Hugs to you Confu....

Last edited by Ryche; 1st December 2006 at 4:17 AM..
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Old 1st December 2006, 10:50 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusednbewildered View Post
Not sure if I am posting in the right forum so forgive me if I am not.

I have been married for less than a year and my husband has no desire to touch me or have any kind of sexual contact.

We are both in our late 40's and both have been married before. His ex-wife was half his age and the marriage ended after only a few months - as far as I know this was because she refused to live in the same state as my husband as she missed her family so much - I know this from talking to a very very close friend of his.

Anyway, he was on his own for about 5 years although he met lots of ladies off the internet and had a serious relationship with one. Just why that ended I am not sure - he just tells me that it wasn't going to go anywhere and so after several months of trying to get her to make a decision it ended.

Anyway this is my problem. First of all I have to say that we have a fantastic relationship - I know he loves me, I have no doubts there but there is just one problem that is making me sad in our relationship.

Let me start at the beginning.

We met more than 3 years ago (yes, on the internet) we met many times (I actually lived overseas so we were limited as to how many times we actually were physically together but we spoke on the phone and the internet everyday sometimes for as much as 5 hours at a time.

When we first met he was going through a very bad time - he had some business problems and he was facing many lawsuits - a partner of his had left him and had embezzled a lot of money and I mean a whole lot of money. My husband was suffering with depression and was in a bad way mentally. In time he learned to open up to me and we grew very close. When we first met he told me that because of all that had happened it had affected him and as a result of the depression he was struggling to be sexual. He told me he had no desire. Nevertheless we did actually later on manage to have sex and I know he struggled. I have to tell you that my husband is a very large man in the terms of weight. I tried to make him feel better and told him it was not the be all and end all of our relationship.

So as our relationship developed we never tried to have intercourse again - it was something that I wanted but I didnt want to pressurise him and at the end of the day we have a wonderful relationship apart from this one thing.

Anyway,, moving on - he has cried many times to me and told me that I deserve more - I dont want anyone else I love him so much.

He tells me he doesnt feel like a man and he does hope one day when all the problems with the lawsuits and his depression is sorted that he will make it up to me. Thats fine - I understand and wouldnt want to make him feel he has to perform just to keep me happy.

So I find out that he is watching porn on his computer and masterbating to it when I am not around- its not the fact that he watches it - all men do to some extent and I accept that - the part that hurts is that I am trying to be patient and to be honest I am so frustrated. I wish he would just touch me or hold me while I am naked. I dont care if he doesnt want to have sex - I just long to be touched - if that makes any sort of sense.

I dont want to leave him - that will never happen because like I said we have a wonderful relationship apart from this.

I have asked him if it is because I am too old to be attractive (bearing in mind his last wife was half his age), too ugly or too fat, my boobs arent big enough or what - he tells me I am just perfect the way I am but you know I am now starting to hate myself and become very critical of my appearance, my weight, my boob size and every darn wrinkle I have makes me want to scream.

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and tell someone - I couldnt talk to anyone else about this.

Thank you for reading this - sorry it is so long.
Hi Sweetie,

My heart totally went out to you when I was reading your post. I'm not married, but I had pretty much a very similar issue with a boyfriend.
The only difference is that my boyfriend was in good shape and we had a lot of interaction at the beginning of the relationship, then with added stress and his insecurities about himself and some issues that we had, the physical aspect of our relationship dropped significantly and he started making excuses that he has a 2 day recovery time and all that.

The thing that bothered me the most was that he was masturbating to porn in the meantime, and so I saw it as "Well if he has a 2 day recovery time and therefore we don't have sex often, he's actually wasing whatever 'energy' he has on just masturbating instead of being with me"

and of course, that cause so much anxiety for me, I felt rejected. I didn't feel pretty enough, I felt like I needed to be perfect, which I know that I can't possibly be. How can I compare to the fake women in porn?
I already had self esteem issues to begin with, but what he did to me, actually pretty much destroyed whatever self esteem I had left. I had to break off the relationship because of that, and I still can't forgive him for scewing me up so much because of that issue.

At the beginning of the relationship, I had absolutely no issues with him looking at porn, it didn't bother me at all, but when I felt that he was choosing it over me, that really hurt, and now I have this automatic knee-jerk reaction to it, and it sucks.

I know that so far, what I wrote doesn't offer much hope...but I did want you to see that you're not alone, women of all ages go through that, so don't believe that your husband is turning to porn because you're not measuring up, because that's simply not true, and if you start obsessing about it, and blaming yourself, it will destroy your self esteem.

Also, from what you've said, your husband's case differs from my ex-boyfriend's because your husband had issues to begin with, so it's definetly not you!
I know that stress lower's a guys drive, his weight issue is most likely playing a huge factor in this on so many levels. He is insecure because of it, and I'm sure that carying a lot of extra weight must somehow slow a person down in the bedroom.
But I think that since he really wants to make you happy (that's the sense I get from your story), and since you really love him, I think you guys can work this out.
Councelling was suggested as well as a weight loss program for him. I think those would be great steps in the right direction.

I really do wish you the best of luck.
And please, don't blame yourself and don't be so critical of yourself.
I know it's hard not to, but it really isn't about how you measure up.
I'm still dealing with rebuilding my self-esteem and it is so tough!

**HUGS**
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Old 1st December 2006, 2:33 PM   #8
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Viagra is not going to help at all. The man is sexually functional in some capacity since he's spanking the monkey instead of having sex with his wife. He's not at the point where he's going to need Viagra YET. He'll get there soon enough if he continues to rely on rough wanking of his member instead of normal sex. If you choke the chicken too much, you CAN kill it.

It sounds like he's conditioned himself and his sexual responses to masturbating. A lot of men that are addicted to porn and masturbation handle themselves so roughly that they even wind up getting scabs. They don't get the same sensation with normal sex with a woman so they have a hard time getting it up for one. The only solution is going to take some time, and that is that he needs to abstain from porn and masturbation until he gets enough sensitivity back in his penis, and he relies on being sexually attracted to you instead of the pixels. If he can't do that on his own, he will need to find a therapist that specializes in sexual addictions to help him through this.

For some guys, this isn't a problem. Since your sex life ended, it's a problem that needs to be addressed, unless you're content with living without a sex life.
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Old 1st December 2006, 5:41 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusednbewildered View Post
So as our relationship developed we never tried to have intercourse again - it was something that I wanted but I didnt want to pressurise him and at the end of the day we have a wonderful relationship apart from this one thing.
I guess I don't see (other than sympathy, which other posters have already expressed) what counsel someone could offer you, for this simple reason:

If you were not able to be sexually intimate on any regular basis during the courtship, why would you think things would be different during your first year of marriage? The lack of sex didn't seem to make things intolerable during courtship (and in fact did not hinder your desire to get married), so why does it feel like such a relative hardship now?

Mr. Lucky
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