Is my wife in love with another man?

[rivcom2002]

I have been married for almost 11 years. The first year of marriage was hell, but we made it through it. After that year our feelings and love grew deeper and deeper.

 

The only thing is I have always been nervous to make love to my wife.

I think she is beautiful and great. Our sex life has almost always been just oral sex. After discovering Adult Movies, we seemed to mess around more. Then she seemed to hate it. She has also always told me that since we have been married she thought I was gay or something. She also has always told me I do not hold her or caress her enough.

 

We never really had many friends or went out for 8yrs. Last July we started to go out and socialize.

 

Things seemed like so much fun. She always told me though she wanted to spend more time at home just her and I and I like a fool did not pay any attention to it.

 

Now to the problem now my wife started going out without me or stayed out later then me the last 2-3 months. She also joined a dart league.

Back in September one Saturday Night she told me she wanted to go out and id not want me along.

 

She wanted to "Let her hair down and have fun". That really hurt me. I told her that right away she then invited me out but I declined because I was hurt and in the state of shock.

 

I also felt that maybe she was going tired, bored or whatever when it came to us. I thought she was seeing another man.

On October 10th see said we needed to talk, I agreed.

 

My wife of almost 11 years told me she had feelings towards another man, loved him, he loved her but did not act on it. She just wanted to be honest with me.

 

I have been a nervous wreck since that night.

 

She seems really close to his mom, by the way the guy she has feelings for is in jail for 7 or 8 Dui's, disorderlys.

 

She also has been covering up her Cell Phone History and acts like everything is fine.

 

This morning I went to check my E-Mails on her computer and saw a Internet Favorite for a Driving Under the Influence Site. I opened it and saw she was apparently looking up how much time he mite get. She told me this morning that she was working on a bithday flyer for a party she wanted to give me this Saturday and she was up til 1:30AM.

She also visits him in jail with and without his mom.

 

 

What should I do? Can I do anything? HELP

[Guest]

Why would your wife be attracted to a complete loser? More importantly why are you hanging around to find out?

 

Do yourself a favor and leave her, she obviously does not care what you think and quite frankly she has no respect for you. She is visiting the loser in jail for GAWDS SAKE!

[MrDarcy]

I have to agree on this one. If there are no children involved, you should tell her straight out that you will not tolerate this. I know how it feels, because I've been there, and in a way I'm still there, but I have children and that makes things a lot more complicated. You should be grateful that she's so honest with you. My wife never was. I have no good suggestions how to make her see what she's doing, but unless she does you're better off without her. You should give it a try though.

[rivcom2002]

Why would your wife be attracted to a complete loser? More importantly why are you hanging around to find out?

 

Do yourself a favor and leave her, she obviously does not care what you think and quite frankly she has no respect for you. She is visiting the loser in jail for GAWDS SAKE!

Thank you for the advice. I am so confussed on what to do. I hate to give up but I really feel it is something I will never get over unless I am without her.

[rivcom2002]

I have to agree on this one. If there are no children involved, you should tell her straight out that you will not tolerate this. I know how it feels, because I've been there, and in a way I'm still there, but I have children and that makes things a lot more complicated. You should be grateful that she's so honest with you. My wife never was. I have no good suggestions how to make her see what she's doing, but unless she does you're better off without her. You should give it a try though.

I have been trying really hard to work around and through this since I was dropped with the bomb. She keeps telling me she had had no sexual contact or any thoughts of it. Just the attraction and the other parts and was not going to take it any further.

She thinks she has done nothing wrong because she was honest with me about her feelings for the other guy. I feel like if I did keep going and stay with her, what might happen in the future? Would she tell me the truth again? I feel our trust has been broken. I will always love her, care about her no matter what happens. It is even difficult for me to have or even develop feelings of hate towards her, as stupid as it may sound.

[Moose]

Not so fast people.....don't be so amateur about this.....look up:

 

Nightingale syndrome

 

You may find out that if you were more of a loser, you'd get more attention from her......

[rivcom2002]

I want to give everyone another update on this nightmare.

Lastnight I went to the bar where she was always at with this guy before he went to jail.

As the night went on I had people telling me that there was something going on between them. They were not sure if she messed around with him or had sex. They told me he would just stradlle the bar stool while he was speaking to her. I told her about all this lastnight, she then threw her wedding ring on the floor and said it was over. I left mine on because we are still married in my eyes and in my heart. She also asked me how I wanted to handle the house, cars, etc. I said I really don't care. That is the last thing I thinking about right now. I am still trying to get over the pain she has caused me and the feeling of a broken heart and spirit.

 

Today she is also just trying to find out who told me these things, I do not want anymore head games, just a solution or two.

[rivcom2002]

Not so fast people.....don't be so amateur about this.....look up:

 

Nightingale syndrome

 

You may find out that if you were more of a loser, you'd get more attention from her......

I do not know for a fact that being a loser or not is the attraction or was the attraction for her. I do know that she grew up around the wrong side of the tracks, I did not.

I will not become someone I am not just to receive attention, let it be Nightingale Syndrome or not.

[JackJack]

Stop being a dorrmat for her. Talk to her. Tell her you want to work on saving the marriage and you hope she does to. Offer marraige counseling for the both of you. Even if she declines, you might want to still go for yourself. I say don't throw in the towel just yet. Sounds like you are willing to, or at least wanting to try to work on things. The only problem is, if she is NOT wiling to try, then it might be a losing battle. Hopefully though she will see you are serious about this.

[rivcom2002]

Stop being a dorrmat for her. Talk to her. Tell her you want to work on saving the marriage and you hope she does to. Offer marraige counseling for the both of you. Even if she declines, you might want to still go for yourself. I say don't throw in the towel just yet. Sounds like you are willing to, or at least wanting to try to work on things. The only problem is, if she is NOT wiling to try, then it might be a losing battle. Hopefully though she will see you are serious about this.

Thanks. I have mentioned counseling and seeing a therpyst. She thinks that is stupid. She talks to her girlfriends and thinks that a therpy. I have really no one to get help or advice from, except now that I got on this site.

[quankanne]

she visits this man in jail, hangs out with his mom, says she loves him but has not had any sexual contact with him only an attraction, doesn't want to invest in marriage counselling to make y'alls relationship work BUT she feels she has done nothing wrong because she's been honest with you?

 

honey, she's completely screwed in the head as to what her loyalties are as your wife. Planning you a party is supposed to cancel out all that other stupid crap she's doing? Beg pardon?

 

you need to put your foot down – very firmly – and tell her to fish or cut bait. That you've got better things to do with your life than wait around while she figures out whether she wants him or she wants you. It's your marriage you're trying to save, so be blunt. Maybe she'll get her head out of the ozone and realize that you two are in a marriage, not a junior high drama of the week.

 

I don't mean to be so angry, especially not at or with you, riv, but it just yanks my chain to hear of someone practicing this kind of cruelty with their partner just because they think they can get away with it. You deserve much better than what she's providing right now, and hopefully you can deliver a reality check and get your marriage back on course. My guess is that as long as you downplay her behavior or try to be gentle so no one gets hurt, she'll continue to do heartless things like these.

[MrDarcy]

I'm not gonna say it's too late to do anything, it may not be. The question is, do you want to do anything. Seeing how your wife treats you I can't help thinking you'd be better off without her. Is this a marriage you want to save? Are your feelings for her based on co-dependency or do you truly love her?

[Rooster_DAR]

She thinks that is stupid

 

She just summed everything up for you. This translates to, I don't want to change and you're the one with the problem.

 

I agree with some other posters here, bail out.

 

Regards,

[Sup]

She just summed everything up for you. This translates to, I don't want to change and you're the one with the problem.

 

I agree with some other posters here, bail out.

 

Regards,

 

 

I agree too, It's obvious that she banged this OM, otherwise SHE wouldn't have gotten mad, she probably thinks you know that she slept with him.

[crazy_grl]

The hissy fit with the throwing the ring does make her look guilty. She doesn't sound remorseful at all. If she wants to end it, let her. And make sure she's the one who moves out.

[Gunny376]

Change the story line a little here and a little there ~and you've got my trainwreck of a marriage ~ sixteen years ago.

 

I'm not the same person now that I was then.

 

Dump this broad! She's too much work, too much maintenance, doesn't appreciate what you've done and scarificed for her and to be with her, doesn't respect you. You not deserve better, you can find better. There's no shortage of good women looking for a good man.

[Romeo Must Die]

It's really hard to convince a spouse that their new friend is inappropriate. I dont know how they get it twisted in their head that it is. I suppose it is so they can justify the things they do.

 

It's never a problem until they cross the line, then what do you do.

 

They will argue with you. They will swear up and down the sky is green and the grass is blue. You find yourself (barely) accepting these issues when they bring a stranger into your life.

 

Everything is turned around.

 

Ex: "Loser is very sensitive and understanding, you dont see him the way I do. Why cant you be more sensitive like Loser is, huh? "

 

They will make you feel like you're the one with the problem.

 

Everything seems so horribly one sided.

 

You have to set boundaries down and if they are disrespected or broken, just do a 180 on her. Turn your back on her, or become a doormat forever. Your wife and this clown will walk all over you.

 

As a woman, I would not disrespect my husband by visiting another man in jail, or going out alone. We are a pair, and I would want to include him if I were making plans. I also would not put him down like that and call him "gay". If you are doing something "wrong" it's because she's not communicating what she wants, or it's something else.

 

In this case it's possible that it's someone else.

 

[PCB]

She treats you like a doormat, and humiliates you by first fooling around and then visiting a piece of trash in jail. Know your value and expect to be respected.

 

You think she is truthful because she told you that she loved that other guy? Dude, what she told you was designed to make you quit. This was also a piece of truth that's comfortable for her, i.e. you can't really use it against her in court. I'm pretty sure that they have done more, much more, like banging in a bar restroom.

 

You live only once. Don't waste you life on your trashy wife.

 

And wait till her buddy gets out of the jail! He will kick your balls and your wife will laugh at you.

 

Advice: get some evidence and divorce her quick!

 

One more advice: don't humiliate her. Behave like an angel and go clean to the court. The best punishment for her is to lose you and stay with her new guy. The less you mess now, the cleaner the divorce. Plan calmly.

 

Did you talk with YOUR family?

[rivcom2002]

I want everyone to know that I really needed

your opionions and thoughts.

You people gave them to me, thanks.

 

Sometimes in life as I'm sure many have found it hard to face the reality.

So many comments on me being treated like a dooormat and with no respect. That really hit home. That is exactly the way I feel.

As far as trying anymore to make this marriage work, it is probably pointless. I will always love her and hopefully, maybe someday she will even realize the samething.

We spoke again lastnight she still has not really changed her thoughts on any of this what so ever.. All she wanted to discuss was how we would handle the Divorce, house, etc. I have no plans of being nasty. Hopefully she does not either.

 

Any other ideas or advice? I know this whole thread is quite long. I appoligize for that.

[PandorasBox]

I have nothing different to add, I pretty much agree with what others have said. She wants a divorce, so give her one. Her seeking a divorce should say to you she doesn't want to work on things and she has no plans of moving forward with you and the marriage. Please don't fight a battle that obviously is a losing one. Good luck to you, and sorry this is happening.

[PCB]

I will always love her and hopefully, maybe someday she will even realize the samething.

 

Oh... You really are a looser. She walks on you and you manage to write that you love her. What do you love her for? What did she give you aside this distress. You lost 11 years!

 

I have no plans of being nasty. Hopefully she does not either.

 

Don't be nasty; just execute your rights. If she's not nasty, then what's that thread for? Anyway, I guess that a few months ago you would not expect to be in the current position. If you don't start thinking clearly now, imagine in what mess you can be in a few months. Protect yourself from your psycho wife.

[rivcom2002]

I was just stating that the type of person I am. That is it.

You had plenty of great advice in your first reply.

So what's that all about?

Yes, I lost 11 years, Yes, I will soon not be married, yes, I have been treated like a doormat, yes, I have been disrespected.

No, I am not a looser.

 

I have always believed that when you really love someone, no matter what happens love in some shape or form will still exist in your heart forever.

[JackJack]

Oh... You really are a looser.

 

 

I highly doubt that calling someone a loser is helpful or effective.

[crazy_grl]

I have no plans of being nasty. Hopefully she does not either.

 

One bit of advice I've heard on this site from others who've been through divorce is to be prepared. While you don't want to be nasty, you have no idea what your wife will do. Even if she says she's going to make everything easy, she may not stick to her word. At the last minute, she may decide to take you for as much as she can get. (After all, DUI loser is going to need some way to pay his legal fees isn't he?) Consult with a lawyer and get as much evidence against your wife as you can so you're not caught completely off guard.

[quankanne]

ditto what crazy girl said. Because marriage is about love, divorce is about revenge. I imagine your wife is going to want to play dirty just because she can twist the knife in your heart. Just because you love her and want to give her respect you feel she's due as the one you love doesn't mean you should be left unguarded.

 

as bad as it sounds, collect all evidence you need – even if you feel uncomfortable digging up what amounts to dirt on her – so that you have it ready *if* you need it.

 

for the record, I don't think you're a loser, just a decent guy trying to do right by someone you love. What PCB posted is prolly his/her way of showing exasperation or disbelief that you choose to take the high road even as your wife behaves this way with you. So, take comments like that with a big grain of salt, okay?