How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[RecordProducer]

There are many threads here about sexless marriages and sometimes people give ridiculous answers to the posters who need sex or at least that's my humble opinion.

 

We all have sexual needs, they are not related to love, anger or somebody's weight; they tend to be more related to hormones, age, etc. I think denying somebody's or your own sexual desire is in the least STUPID, as you can't run away from your sexual hunger. Secondly, it's mocking nature which has put millions of years of effort in making us what we are. Finally, no matter how much you want to be "holy" and non-superficial, if you want sex, you just want it.

 

So for those who think that sexless marriages should not be divorced after many attempts of trying to working on the issue or that sex isn't that important, I have a question: how do you deal with your need when you want to f*ck? How do you persuade yourself that it's only in your head and doesn't need to be fulfilled? How can you be happy in a relationship with no sex? Is that platonic love or not love at all?

 

And one more question... what do you consider to be sexless? Once a week? Once a month? How about twice a month where YOU initiate it and your partner reluctantly accepts it?

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

[stoopid_guy]

There are many threads here about sexless marriages and sometimes people give ridiculous answers to the posters who need sex or at least that's my humble opinion.

 

We all have sexual needs, they are not related to love, anger or somebody's weight; they tend to be more related to hormones, age, etc. I think denying somebody's or your own sexual desire is in the least STUPID, as you can't run away from your sexual hunger. Secondly, it's mocking nature which has put millions of years of effort in making us what we are. Finally, no matter how much you want to be "holy" and non-superficial, if you want sex, you just want it.

 

So for those who think that sexless marriages should not be divorced after many attempts of trying to working on the issue or that sex isn't that important, I have a question: how do you deal with your need when you want to f*ck? How do you persuade yourself that it's only in your head and doesn't need to be fulfilled? How can you be happy in a relationship with no sex? Is that platonic love or not love at all?

You're talking about the biological need to reproduce? Biological needs can countered with psychological conditioning. Pink_Tulip put it extremely well in another thread:

As far as women not wanting sex. I think we as a society have done a terrible disservice to women. We tell them from a young age that men are all horn dogs and only care about one thing. And that attitude is portrayed perfectly on nonsensical networks like MTV. Growing up with this message, it makes sense that every wife that is confronted by a frustrated husband immediately feels she is being objectified. No where in our society do we discuss how important sex and intimacy are within a marriage, and honestly, most women simply do not get this, b/c we have been trained our entire lives to see sex as a way we are objectified.

Even though she was talking about women, "nice guys" frequently have a similar attitude toward their wives.

 

I would define "sexless" as a month or more with no physical reason (pregnancy, sickness, injury, etc.)

 

What should/could be done about it? I have no clue.

[elijahBailey]

I have a question: how do you deal with your need when you want to f*ck?

 

well, er, if she ain't available, jerkin' off is an option.

 

And one more question... what do you consider to be sexless? Once a week? Once a month? How about twice a month where YOU initiate it and your partner reluctantly accepts it?

 

once a year

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

 

no

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

RP,

 

I think that this thread is great - if it does indeed make an impression on the 'sexless' wives. I doubt it would, though.

[Mz. Pixie]

It depends.

 

To me, sexless would be once every six months or so.

 

If it were my spouse just wacking off to porn instead of making love with me, then yeah, I'd have a major problem with it and probably leave the marriage.

 

If it were due to a real medical illness then I'd just buy a vibe and ask my partner to pleasure me when I felt the need. Or pleasure myself. I wouldn't leave my partner because medically they couldn't have sex with me.

[Madaline]

Hey good thead. I would define sexless as in once a month because I would like like whats the point of even doing it at all. So how would I feel in a sexless marriage? Ok I guess but I think my husband would kill himself because I would be the only one who would stop the sex. But seriously though it would have to depend on the situation that I was in. Like others said if its a medical thing then thats understandable and there are ways to work around it.

[RecordProducer]

You're talking about the biological need to reproduce? Biological needs can countered with psychological conditioning.

I am talking about libido - desire to f*ck, exc use my French! When I need sex, I am not thinking about reproduction and certainly my desire doesn't go off and on depending on whether my partner bought me flowers or sent me to hell. We have a need for sex when we're single, married, in love, out of love, dumped, happy, unhappy, etc.

 

Everything can be related to psychological conditions; does that mean that we should claim that hunger is a relative thing, just because you can lose your appetite in stressful conditions?

 

 

I would define "sexless" as a month or more with no physical reason (pregnancy, sickness, injury, etc.)

One month without sex doesn't make your whole life or relationship sexless. You probably meant once a month?

 

well, er, if she ain't available, jerkin' off is an option.

If only masturbation could replace sex...

 

 

 

once a year

Once a month is OK?

 

 

RP,

 

I think that this thread is great - if it does indeed make an impression on the 'sexless' wives. I doubt it would, though.

Thanks, but why are we talking about WIVES who don't want sex as if they are the only "sexless" gender?

 

I don't want people who don't want sex (with their partners) to force themselves to give them sex... I want people who are not getting it to NOT feel guilty for wanting it, to realize that they are being deprived from a very important natural want, and that this deprivation can cause the relationship to go downward spirally, destroying all the good things. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. But people shouldn't be ashamed to stand up and say: "I am leaving you because I need sex!"

 

A relationship without sex is mere friendship. And if the friendship is not strong then it's co-habitation under one roof as room mates.

[blind_otter]

And one more question... what do you consider to be sexless? Once a week? Once a month? How about twice a month where YOU initiate it and your partner reluctantly accepts it?

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

 

sexless would be like once a month or less, to me.

 

and yes, I would end the relationship if it got to that point. why stay in a farked up relationship when you can leave and be happier alone?

[elijahBailey]

It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. But people shouldn't be ashamed to stand up and say: "I am leaving you because I need sex!"

 

Good point. But for the sake of the kids, I'd stay in a sexless marriage, assuming she's not gettin' it elsewhere. But then again, that's just me.

[Scrivdog]

How would I feel? How would I feel ..? I'd feel like f*cking another woman, that's how I would feel. I'm getting damn near that point right now.

[Moose]

I heard a joke about this very same thing this morning.

 

Seems that a husband came home to find his wife packing her bags. The husband asks her, "where are you going?".

 

The wife responds, "Well, I heard in Thailand, I can get paid $ 400.00 doing the same thing I do for you".....

 

Pretty soon, the wife walks into the bedroom to see her husband packing. She asks, "where are you going?".

 

The husband says, "I'm going with you, I want to see how you live on $ 800.00 a year".....

 

I could live in a sexless marriage. I wouldn't have a choice. I'm thankful it's not that way at all, but if anything were to happen, I'd stay with Mrs. Moose.

[JackJack]

I just read an article this morning on a couple in a sexless marriage who had been married for 20 some years and had sex only once since they were married, and to my knowledge they weren't from another culture or anything where they felt this is the way it should be etc. I didn't get to finish the article but if I do I'll let you know what their deal was. I guess if 2 people agree they both could take it or leave it, then its probably not that big of an issue, but if one partner feels it is a big issue and the other doesn't then yeah theres going to be a problem.

[Scrivdog]

I heard a joke about this very same thing this morning.

 

Seems that a husband came home to find his wife packing her bags. The husband asks her, "where are you going?".

 

The wife responds, "Well, I heard in Thailand, I can get paid $ 400.00 doing the same thing I do for you".....

 

Pretty soon, the wife walks into the bedroom to see her husband packing. She asks, "where are you going?".

 

The husband says, "I'm going with you, I want to see how you live on $ 800.00 a year".....

 

I could live in a sexless marriage. I wouldn't have a choice. I'm thankful it's not that way at all, but if anything were to happen, I'd stay with Mrs. Moose.

 

And so you'd resign yourself to choking the chicken for the rest of your life?

[Scrivdog]

I just read an article this morning on a couple in a sexless marriage who had been married for 20 some years and had sex only once since they were married, and to my knowledge they weren't from another culture or anything where they felt this is the way it should be etc. I didn't get to finish the article but if I do I'll let you know what their deal was. I guess if 2 people agree they both could take it or leave it, then its probably not that big of an issue, but if one partner feels it is a big issue and the other doesn't then yeah theres going to be a problem.

It's even bigger an issue when sex was frequent and good in the beginning and then it gets pulled away for no apparent reason.

[stoopid_guy]

I am talking about libido - desire to f*ck, exc use my French! When I need sex, I am not thinking about reproduction and certainly my desire doesn't go off and on depending on whether my partner bought me flowers or sent me to hell. We have a need for sex when we're single, married, in love, out of love, dumped, happy, unhappy, etc.

That isn't true of everyone, some people only crave sex under specific circumstances. Maybe someone they care about pays attention to them, maybe they're looking for a mate....

Everything can be related to psychological conditions; does that mean that we should claim that hunger is a relative thing, just because you can lose your appetite in stressful conditions?

Sex isn't necessary for individual survival, food is. It can be a decent analogy though. Instinct tells us to eat a lot when we can because there may be nothing tomorrow. We (at least most of us) learn to control what and how much we eat though. Some carry eating (or not) to extremes like anorexics. Likewise, some choose a life of celibacy. Even something as important to our survival as eating is greatly influenced by psychology, we shouldn't be surprised that sex is too.

One month without sex doesn't make your whole life or relationship sexless. You probably meant once a month?

Maybe a better definition of "sexless" is in order? Just me, but if my wife and I had sex once a month or more, our marriage would not be in trouble (at least in that regard.) I'd still be masturbating a few times a week, but I'd know she cared enough to at least try. When I say our marriage has been sexless for ten years though, I mean we haven't had sexual contact (at all) for ten years.

A relationship without sex is mere friendship. And if the friendship is not strong then it's co-habitation under one roof as room mates.

It's even bigger an issue when sex was frequent and good in the beginning and then it gets pulled away for no apparent reason.

Total agreement with both of those statements.

[Guest]

I'd send the spouse to a doctor to see whether the plumbing's broken. If it's not, I'd book an appointment with an MC because trouble in a relationship follows through to the bed so it's a sure sign that something needs to be dealt with.

 

But I'd not marry someone unless the someone was committed to seeking help should problems in the relationship arise that can't be solved by just the two of us. People who shun professional help in times of trouble are trouble themselves, IMHO, and not marriage material.

[quankanne]

How can you be happy in a relationship with no sex? Is that platonic love or not love at all?

 

you leave when there's nothing to base the relationship on in the first place. As in, you've only stayed together for the sex.

 

my thought is that when you're in a relationship with someone, there's much more to it than the f*cking you do. Yeah, sex is enjoyable, and it's main objective is to bring forth a whole new generation, but it's not the be-all, end-all of a relationship. Because if it is, there is no real relationship in place, just an agreement to screw this person as long as you feel comfortable doing so.

 

being sexually inactive shouldn't be a deal-breaker in a healthy relationship, because there are so many situations in which a relationship (specifically marriage) experiences infrequent episodes of sexual activity. As frustrating as it can be to NOT have sex with your spouse, it's worse when you're trying to get it on without consideration of the underlying problem: illness, new baby, stress, depression, aging, etc. Because to make that marriage work, you've got to be in tune with what's going on. You learn to adjust, even if it means self-gratification for those too-horny times and your partner just isn't interested.

 

I read posts from people complaining that once or twice a week just isn't enough. That it's been a whole month since they've gotten laid. Pfft ... makes me want to laugh because they're not looking at the big picture, that sexual drives wax and sexual drives wane, so you work on ways of making those "lean times" pass more pleasantly until sex becomes a regular event.

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

 

I haven't yet, and in the past five years, I can count on both hands the number of times I've gotten laid.

[carmaenforcer]

I define sexless as, having to initiate it all the time. I used to have this problem. That was solved by not asking anymore and now I get it more than I want. I think it has something to do with loose of a perceive control and an insecure reaction stemming from it. This brings me to what I think is a fate worse than being in a "sexless marriage", boring/selfish sex partner.

This is my reason for not giving a isht anymore about the frequency of sexual encounters with my Wife and so appearing to her as if I just don't seem to want it anymore, "you don't find me attractive anymore", yada, yada, yada.

 

Why doesn't your mate want you have sex with you?

 

I personally can't do anything with my Wife if she's being a bitch or a nag, if I'm pissed at her for any reason.

It doesn't help that I know that all I have to look forward to is the "MISSIONARY" position, and no oral, EVER.

 

Scrivdog, yeah pretty much, on the having to take care of business your self. Although I am of the belief that if your mate is using sex as a weapon, purposely and unreasonably failing to satisfy or at least consider your needs or other wise not doing their job in the relationship, they forfeit they're say in your sex life. As far as I'm concerned, if your Wife ain't taking care of business for a good reason (Health) then you have the right to get it elsewhere.

[quankanne]

using sex as a weapon

 

that's something I just cannot fathom. As much as I've liked sex, I never would use it as a weapon because it's something to revel. Even when times are far and few in between.

[RecordProducer]

I think we all agree on everything. I just wanted to spread the message: if you're missing sex, don't close bury your head in the sand thinking that it's YOU who wants something that's luxury. You may choose to close your eyes to things like 'my wife doesn't work and doesn't want to cook ever' or 'my partner spends too much money' or 'my partner is spoiling the kids' or 'my spouse plays golf too often' etc. But don't think that sex is a secondary in a relationship, that it's something you SHOULD live without if your spouse doesn't want it, that you MUST sacrifice and be deprived from it.

 

If sex is important to you, if you feel unhappy because you miss the (so much needed to your body and soul) intimacy then treat it almost - if not equally - as any major problem and act accordingly. You would take beatings or infidelity MAYBE because of the children or because you've built a house and have two good incomes. Don't think that you MUST stay and that you don't have grounds for divorce if your spouse is not giving you sex. How much is enough is your personal need and how little you can tolerate is your choice which is directly related to happiness. You deserve to be happy! And if you're missing a significant element of happiness then you deserve to break the cycle that makes you miserable and get the hell out of there.

 

They may otherwise be a great person, but you're still unhappy with them. You might find someone who isn't otherwise such a great person and be very happy with them. Life is about exploration, love, joy, pleasure, and fun. Those are the good parts of life, the things that make life worthwhile. Is money worth anything if you can't spend it? Is love worth anything if you can't enjoy it and share it in an intimate act?

 

Your children will go to college and have their own families, but you... you will grow old and realize that you watched your life passing by, that you haven't taken all the good things that it may have offered you. And then you will build resentment that will make you physically ill. Your body constantly needs something that it's not getting. You're fighting against nature - a thing way more powerful than your own mind. You're wilting in your desire to be loved and sexually pleased.

[RecordProducer]

Yeah, sex is enjoyable, and it's main objective is to bring forth a whole new generation, but it's not the be-all, end-all of a relationship.

Hm... is health everything in life? If you ONLY have good health and everything else sucks for you and you're pretty sure it always will, you won't be happy, right? So good health is not ALL we need.

 

On the other hand, if your health is very bad, you're even more unhappy than in the first case.

 

I haven't yet, and in the past five years, I can count on both hands the number of times I've gotten laid.

I hope you're not missing it too much. Just because some couples have sex infrequently doesn't mean they are unhappy together. I am actually talking about people who are constantly hungry for sex.

 

As far as I'm concerned, if your Wife ain't taking care of business for a good reason (Health) then you have the right to get it elsewhere.

I actually agree with this, if the case is unrepairable and going on for a long period of time. What gives A the right to deprive B from sex and not "allow" them to find it elsewhere? If A's libido is low or non-existent then they are perfectly happy with the sexless life. But B is very frustrated. Why would B sacrifice for A and not vice versa?

 

Because the Church said that sex is dirty? Because A would be offended and jealous? So B has no right to find sex with another and has no real grounds for divorce, right? So B is condemned with sexless life and the little time he or she will spend on earth has to pass as a tasteless, colorless life.

 

To me life without a lover is tasteless and colorless! If your spouse isn't giving you sex, they are not your lover. They are your room mate and maybe a friend and co-parent.

 

Carma, now they will burn us at a stake for these statements!

[blind_otter]

 

being sexually inactive shouldn't be a deal-breaker in a healthy relationship, because there are so many situations in which a relationship (specifically marriage) experiences infrequent episodes of sexual activity.

 

Well I ould venture to guess that sex is more important to some people than to others. Some people use physical intimacy to access emotional intimacy. That's not a bad thing, it just means that you need to find a partner who can accomodate that need.

 

Personally, I need sex. That's just me. But I don't think that needing sex means that I base my relationships purely on sex. It just means that sex is really really important to me, and I make sure that it happens with as much frequency as possible when I'm in a relationship.

 

As a result, if I wasn't having sex, it would be because I wasn't initiating it, and that would mean a breakdown in the emotional intimacy that the relationship is built on. So the relationship would devolve into a good close friendship. Some people are satisfied with that, some aren't. Personal preference, I suppose.

 

 

I haven't yet, and in the past five years, I can count on both hands the number of times I've gotten laid.

 

:eek:

[alphamale]

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

of course!...what would be the point in being with any woman without sex?? thats rediculous.

[Jane Doe]

I've been with my husband almost 15 years. We haven't had sex in 2 years and 8 months. It's a lonely way to live. He's a perfect husband in every other way (which is why I stay) but when I realize I'm going to live a celibate life from here on out, I feel somewhat dead inside.

[alphamale]

I've been with my husband almost 15 years. We haven't had sex in 2 years and 8 months.

do you have a pool boy? or any other young hot stud who comes around every so often?

 

the UPS guy maybe? it would give a new meaning to their saying: "what can brown do for you?"....