Unrealistic expectations?

[Guest]

I'm so confused. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we are both in our mid 20s. I always make an effort to call him, even when I am out with friends. Although he doesn't go out as much as I do (and I really don't go out that much either...about 2 times a week), he never makes an effort to call me when he is out. The last time he said he would call and didn't and I told him how much that upset me the next day.

 

He said he was sorry. Then he tells me he is going out again and that he might not call me but would try to. Lo and behold, no phone call. I still waited for his call and feel like an idiot for doing so. He says if he is out drinking that he might forget to call me.

 

Personally, I think this is bull but, even if it is true, why can't he call me before he goes out? Is it unrealistic to expect to talk to him every day? I mean he doesn't even try to e-mail me back anymore when I e-mail him occassionally. Can someone give me a set of realistic expectations here?

[magichands]

I think your expectations are - just that. Your expectations. I guess he understands the level of attention/interest in your life that you want him to give you.

 

And vice versa.

 

It's so easy to stay in touch these days - affordably (obviously I'm assuming an Internet connection) - with email, IM, voice (Skype et al.), and even webcam. And those swanky phonecards are cool too!!!!

 

Somebody can say: hey - you're asking too much, and you're being too clingy (news flash - this is a LDR!? - how can you be too clingy??), or hey - he's not showing enough interest in your life, and not giving you the attention you need to feel secure in the relationship, but what really matters is - what are you happy with?

 

That's a very long-winded way of saying that I think you need to negotiate with him to get to where you want to be.

[john2776]

As a veteran of LDR's I can understand how two people can have different needs when it comes to contact. Personally I could imagine that I might forget to call while I am out, but I would certainly remember to call when I got home, so I could tell them all about my night adventure and while I had a bucket load of fun, I would rather have been with them. So why don't you just send him a sms when he is out asking how its going and to give you a call when he gets home?

[d1rtysecret]

I understand the situation your in its quiet similair for me also, except its me that likes to stay in contact alot. I often email my girlfriend or send her a text and while i dont always get a reply I dont let it upset me, It's almost always been me that makes contact, im the one to phone 90% of the time, or i send her text message etc but and i have really say when she does initiate contact with me its always worth it.

 

Like this weekend for instance, i told her i would be away for 3 days over the weekend as my brother was getting married so i wouldnt have much spare time to do anything, that i would most likely be completely drunk (which i was) so while i wanted to chat with her i just didnt have the chance. Then all of sudden out of no where she calls me and i was extremely happy to hear her voice, it was actually the first time she had phoned me which is understandable as im in the UK and she is in Hungary so its not exactly cheap to call a cellphone.

 

So my advice is hold in there, i know it can be frustrating trying to stay in contact etc, but dont let it get to you, and savour those times he does call you first or initiate contact because they are always the ones worth remembering.

[Guest]

Thanks everyone. Your opinions have all been very helpful. I had no idea LDRs were so difficult. Normally, I am not the emotional type of girl but the distance is just killing me. Wish I could have found this place earlier...it helps knowing others have gone through similar situations.