Dating a EMT/Firefighter...Time to let go?

[SoSo]

Here is my problem. I meet this guy online in April. And things went really well with us. We meet, and yes had sex on the first night. We had talked before about having a long-term relationship and stuff and I guess the moment was just right. Anway Its almost been two months of dating and we went from talking to each other all the time, to fighting once a week, because he isn't there. Or he cancel our dates becasue he is doing something with his work and such. I get really upset because I try to plan things for us, only to get turned down. I really felt like i was falling in love with him. When we are together things felt good and I would forget about all the times I were mad at him. Then this last sunday he was working a drill thing and I had planned for him to come down. Was going to fix him a nice steak dinner, with candles and a nice body massage afterwards since he was working so hard. He ended up saying he was "sick" and couldn't come down. I go really upset and I realize that he hurts me so much (maybe he doesnt' know how much he does) and I cry over it. I wonder if it werent' for me going down there to see him, would he even take the time to come see me? I know he is busy, but still he wanted in this relationship. He might have been married to his word before, but now he has me and I need some time with him. Nevertheless, Last night I e-mailed him and told him it was over. he still hasn't responded to me. I dont like playing those stupid phone games, such as dont call him for a week or whatever. I think that he should be straight up with me and what he wants. and maybe i just expect too much out of him and he just doesnt' know how to show me he cares and wants to be with me. Coming to this point of breaking up, I am planning on going by his house one last time and picking up my stuff that I left there. I know its stupid, But i just wish he would show me how much he cares.... I want him to fight to keep me... Because I do care about him and I do "luv" him, but I think I'm just hurting myself trying to be with him and getting rejected by him.

 

There are a few things that worry me too... He wont let me meet his parents or talk to them about me. He tells his friends and co-works that he is with a "friend" and yes the guy I am having sex with refers to me as a "friend".... He makes me feel unworth to be with him sometimes. I dont know if he knows what he does to me... I tried to explain how I feel, but its like we just go in circles and he neither answers my questions or comforts me either. All he says is things will be fine... you look fine... we are fine... Why can't it be great! Please help... someone.

 

Thanks,

 

Soso

21 year old dating at 27 year old

[tearful_soul22]

i suggest you carefully examine your present situation and find out what elements are missing from your relationship. are you his top priority? have you made plans of being together long-term? what kind of adjustments you have to make being with someone whom you know will always be away doing the job he was trained for? relationships like this can work out but only if both parties are determined to make it work. so many questions you have to ask yourself and only you can determine the conclusions which is appropriate for you. good luck to you and hope everything works out for the best!

[destination_unknown]

I've dated an emergency service worker, it comes with the territory - having plans messed up because they are tired from humping heavy weights all day / dealing with drunks etc or called into work is something that is part of the life choice they have made. If you are going to be with them you have to accept that support them instead of getting hurt when plans get messed up. If you want something different you have to chose somebody else.

 

Though it is a bit weird if you havent met his friends, you have only known each other for two months and you seem to be expecting him to lessen his commitment to work in order to prioritise you? I know it sucks when you plan something really nice and they can't come because they have to work, I have been exactly in that boat. I chose to react by being hurt too and it wrecked the fun in our relationship. If you were to try to continue this relationship you will have to come to terms with the fact that you may not be his first priority until the relationship has a little more history to it.

 

I have two close friends married to cops and yes, they are on their own with the kids every second christmas day because their OH's have to work. Their OH's have to miss birthdays or get up in the middle of the night to go to work unexpectedly, and they also come home sometimes in foul humour because of all the crazies they have to deal with on the job. Their marriages are sucessful because the wives accept that, and they support them when they are stressed. Its not fun for the worker to have to leave either when they were looking forward to doing something nice. They are missing out too.

 

It is a hard life to get used to and there are many sacrifices, but if you love the guy, (and the guy makes an effort to be romantic when he can) then you accept that what they do is important to them (and to society) and they work extremely hard and take the lonely nights along with the good ones.

 

I couldn't do it either and broke up with the guy I was dating (well it was a little more complicated than that) but I realised later that it wasnt about his commitment / feelings for me it was about the practicalities of the job and I wasnt supportive. It's a tough decision to make hun and I feel for you.

 

I hope I havent been too harsh, but I just wanted to share my ponderings on this matter.

[SoSo]

Thank you guys so much.. Destination and Tearful. Your points are very clear to me and they have touched my heart.. I'm really thinking about it.. I feel like I need to be more supportive to him.. I know I can do it... I just wonder so much about things and we decided that we would meet up on Sunday.... I want to ask him question see if he really wants me in his life or if I just make it more complicated for him... I'm really sad when i'm not able to talk to him. I hold his pic at night and everything because I miss him so much. I just need to feel that he cares about me.. I think he has a hard time of showing the romantic side or maybe he is afraid because he has just came out of a relationship with someone that cheated on him.. This is my first "serious relationship" and outside of the not so romantic and the missing him part... he is really a great guy.. and I think he himself maybe just does not have time to think about being romantic.

 

So what questions can I ask him to insure myself that he wants to work on our relationship and how can I get him to be more romantic?

 

Thanks!

[soso]

After all this, he broke up with me. He said he couldn't handle my drama or stress that i was giving him and that we were most likely through. He said that he didn't think there was a future for us. I'm so hurt!!! I know that I'm been very very crazy the last few weeks, but I dont understand how things keep falling apart.

 

 

Why me!!!

soso

 

Here is my problem. I meet this guy online in April. And things went really well with us. We meet, and yes had sex on the first night. We had talked before about having a long-term relationship and stuff and I guess the moment was just right. Anway Its almost been two months of dating and we went from talking to each other all the time, to fighting once a week, because he isn't there. Or he cancel our dates becasue he is doing something with his work and such. I get really upset because I try to plan things for us, only to get turned down. I really felt like i was falling in love with him. When we are together things felt good and I would forget about all the times I were mad at him. Then this last sunday he was working a drill thing and I had planned for him to come down. Was going to fix him a nice steak dinner, with candles and a nice body massage afterwards since he was working so hard. He ended up saying he was "sick" and couldn't come down. I go really upset and I realize that he hurts me so much (maybe he doesnt' know how much he does) and I cry over it. I wonder if it werent' for me going down there to see him, would he even take the time to come see me? I know he is busy, but still he wanted in this relationship. He might have been married to his word before, but now he has me and I need some time with him. Nevertheless, Last night I e-mailed him and told him it was over. he still hasn't responded to me. I dont like playing those stupid phone games, such as dont call him for a week or whatever. I think that he should be straight up with me and what he wants. and maybe i just expect too much out of him and he just doesnt' know how to show me he cares and wants to be with me. Coming to this point of breaking up, I am planning on going by his house one last time and picking up my stuff that I left there. I know its stupid, But i just wish he would show me how much he cares.... I want him to fight to keep me... Because I do care about him and I do "luv" him, but I think I'm just hurting myself trying to be with him and getting rejected by him.

 

There are a few things that worry me too... He wont let me meet his parents or talk to them about me. He tells his friends and co-works that he is with a "friend" and yes the guy I am having sex with refers to me as a "friend".... He makes me feel unworth to be with him sometimes. I dont know if he knows what he does to me... I tried to explain how I feel, but its like we just go in circles and he neither answers my questions or comforts me either. All he says is things will be fine... you look fine... we are fine... Why can't it be great! Please help... someone.

 

Thanks,

 

Soso

21 year old dating at 27 year old

[Chinook]

I know this is hard but it just sounds to me like the honeymoon period ended for him. I'm sorry. Try to learn from this and not put too much of yourself emotionally into a new relationship until all the rollercoaster feelings are dying down. I know that's hard but they DO skew your perspective. I suspect from what you've posted, you would have reached the same conclusion as him if you were fighting.

[Chinook]

The other thing I was thinking about too... was this guy married..?

[destination_unknown]

Oh luv, im sorry he didnt give you a chance, that very well may be his loss.

 

All you can really do is leave him to it now. Doll yourself up, get your all you friends together and go out on the town. If you dont have a big gang of friends, then have your closest friend come over, rent some funny movies (i find hugh grant movies great for the-day-after-break-up sessions) and get a big tub of ice cream. I guarantee you will laugh at least once - theres your first step.

 

Think of it this way, when it is "right" your SO will not find it a chore to spend time with you.

 

You say you have been so crazy the last few weeks. This is what you need to think about now. (Not in terms of feeling bad about it) but asking yourself why. Why were you clinging on when you know your needs werent being met? Especially at such an early stage of the relationship, which should be they honeymoon, the building blocks and getting to know each other stage. What is it about your perception of yourself and how you think others percieve you that made you dependent on this guys affection?

 

I strongly advise you to start NC. HUGS and keep posting if you feel upset.

[Outcast]

OK. First of all, don't be thinking you're 'in love' after only a couple of months, especially with someone you've not been spending 3D time with.

 

Secondly, again, in that short of time, you can hardly expect a man to put his career aside for your sake. In fact, even were you married for several years, guys still need to keep their jobs and often have to deal with obligations whether or not they'd prefer to be with you.

 

I think there are a lot of people who actually think that love works like it does in the movies - people fall madly and passionately for each other in 2.7 seconds and then drop everything in their lives for each other. Life is not like that, nor are relationships.

 

You maybe need to read a few good books on relationships before you engage in another one to tone down your expectations to a more realisitic level.

[SoSo]

Thank you all so much. My friends took me out this weekend and didn't let me stay home and be sad. I realize what you guys are saying and I think I need to think about hold back a lot more. The more I look at it, I think that I am going through a diffcult time in my life and maybe I just throw all the pressure on him. I think I was needing a safty net and I look for him to be my hero. But anyway that didn't turn out to good. I just need to realize this is and experience that I can learn from. Call it quits and move on. Even though we did chat for a sec on Sunday morning, he still treated me differently. When I told him I missed him, he just said that it was understandable. He didn't say I miss you too and or anything.. Guess those are key signs he doesn't want anymore to do with me in the relationship field. But anyway. You all made it a lot better for me... Thank you guys for being there for me during this hard rough time. God Bless.

 

 

 

 

Oh luv, im sorry he didnt give you a chance, that very well may be his loss.

 

All you can really do is leave him to it now. Doll yourself up, get your all you friends together and go out on the town. If you dont have a big gang of friends, then have your closest friend come over, rent some funny movies (i find hugh grant movies great for the-day-after-break-up sessions) and get a big tub of ice cream. I guarantee you will laugh at least once - theres your first step.

 

Think of it this way, when it is "right" your SO will not find it a chore to spend time with you.

 

You say you have been so crazy the last few weeks. This is what you need to think about now. (Not in terms of feeling bad about it) but asking yourself why. Why were you clinging on when you know your needs werent being met? Especially at such an early stage of the relationship, which should be they honeymoon, the building blocks and getting to know each other stage. What is it about your perception of yourself and how you think others percieve you that made you dependent on this guys affection?

 

I strongly advise you to start NC. HUGS and keep posting if you feel upset.

[SoSo]

Update... OMG guys you never going to believe what happened.. I was on chat with and I ran into his Ex-girl home he dated before me and was in love. . come to find out they broke up a few days after me and him meet.. and she was suppose to be gone, but she came back in june.. I dont know what to do.. She told me she still loved him.. I wonder if he i acting weird because she is back.. I mean I waited almost a whole month for him to tell me something. She said he answers her phon calls and everything.. My first thought was that if they are in love then they should be together... But then I'm like hell no!!! I'm not giving up that easy.. I atleast want some kind of explanation for it..

 

I learned so much from this relationship. If we do get back together this time.. A I'm totally going to be more respectful to myself. I realize that my lack of love and respect for myself ended up putting too much pressure on him.. And what guy wants a needy, calling, worried freak?? Here is my question though.. I have never kept things from him.. I always been up front.. should I tell him i talked with her??

 

She lives in the same town as him and I'm like four hours away now. I just wonder if she is setting me up.. I'm totally honest and up front with him or anyone.. Even if it hurts them. Thats the way i want to be treated.. I dont like this No Contact thing.. We are adults and we should be able to have an open talk about things.. But still thats my thinking and it might not be right. Help please!