She's just being immature now...

[thisisarandomperson]

This post is about my gf and it is an LDR. For the past two weeks i have been doubting whether i love her or not, although before then i was pretty sure i loved her. Now im not sure why im having these doubts, and im not sure what im feeling. It could be down to all the stress i've recently been having with my schoolwork as i am soon to go to uni. I have been a bit quiet on MSN and she has noticed.

 

My gf only talks about her friends or day-to-day stuff, or what she wants to do, etc. I suppose its alright for something for two friends to talk about but i want to talk about something with a little more depth to it. We mostly talk on MSN and lately for me im getting quite bored of these MSN convos as i dont really know what to talk to her about. I want to talk to her about the things im interested in, but i know she wouldnt be interested in it. As this is an LDR, it is important to be able to talk a lot, and it helps to have things in common (such as interests). But we dont really have anything in common that has much depth to it unfortunately.

 

Well anyway to the point, i decided to tell her why i've been a bit quiet on msn to her and about what i am feeling. I also said i wasnt sure whether i loved her or not, and that really really hurt her (for obvious reasons). But i need to talk to her about my problems, and i was hoping she would talk to me and help me sort out my emotions. As usual, whenever we sort of fall out, she barely talks to me on msn and i end up doing all the talking. She occasionally says half a line but thats it. This happens everytime. I dont blame her for being upset.

 

Today i went to talk to her again on MSN to try and sort things out. She said she wishes i hadnt told her what i said last night (me unsure of whether i love her). I said i think it is best that a person tells their partner whenever they have any problems so they can be talked over and resolved. She then said she didnt agree with that. I kept talking and all i got were sarcastic remarks. Then i say come back to me when you are ready to talk and point out that she is just being sarcastic to me. Then she says im making things worse by being smart. She's the one who isnt helping my barely talking to me and making sarcastic remarks.

 

Her being like this is only reinforcing my doubts. I dont know exactly what love is, but i think i love her. I havent had a gf before as i sort of set high standards and am really picky ( i know i shouldnt).

 

So what should i do?

[JayKay]

You both sound very young and not really ready to handle a LDR.

 

Since you don't think you have all that much in common, I'd suggest you take a break from each other.

[thisisarandomperson]

You mean a permanent break(aka a split) or just a short break from each other?

[legend66]

hey there im in almost exactly the same kind of relaitonship as you. first gf, going for about 2 years and im off to uni in september (fingers crossed!). I sometimes wonder if i really do love my gf but then something always happens in the next few days which makes me realise what an idiot ive been. Ive done the whole "we need to talk" thing, but despite doing medicine for uni she can sometimes be really dumb! so basicly the talk is, as you say, one sided. however you instigated the talk so its you who should be doing the alking. she doesnt know what you want to talk about. Youve got to take th rough with the smooth, shes got good and bad points but so do all of us, are her good points enough to stop you from breaking up and searching for someone more compatible of the millions of women out there? ive made my choice, my gfs good points far outway the bad ones, alot. however i understand that because this is an LDR conversation can sometimes be hard work, but neccassary. Your origonal post was about you being worried about uni and if your ldr will survive, i say theres no pont worrying about something until it happens, instead of compromising your relationship now and ruining any chance you might have had. once you go to uni and spend some timethere youll know if you still love her enough, or if you dont. simple as that

 

hope ive helped you here.

[legend66]

hey there im in almost exactly the same kind of relaitonship as you. first gf, going for about 2 years and im off to uni in september (fingers crossed!). I sometimes wonder if i really do love my gf but then something always happens in the next few days which makes me realise what an idiot ive been. Ive done the whole "we need to talk" thing, but despite doing medicine for uni she can sometimes be really dumb! so basicly the talk is, as you say, one sided. however you instigated the talk so its you who should be doing the alking.

 

she doesnt know what you want to talk about. Youve got to take th rough with the smooth, shes got good and bad points but so do all of us, are her good points enough to stop you from breaking up and searching for someone more compatible of the millions of women out there? ive made my choice, my gfs good points far outway the bad ones, alot. however i understand that because this is an LDR conversation can sometimes be hard work, but neccassary. Your origonal post was about you being worried about uni and if your ldr will survive, i say theres no pont worrying about something until it happens, instead of compromising your relationship now and ruining any chance you might have had. once you go to uni and spend some timethere youll know if you still love her enough, or if you dont. simple as that

 

hope ive helped you here.

[chryssy83]

1. How long has this relationship been going on?

 

2. Were you ever in the same place? Were things different then? Are they different when/if you visit each other?

 

3. How old are you?

 

My thoughts so far are pretty simple. First, if you are just having a hard time coming up with topics to discuss, I think that's totally normal. I adore my LD boyfriend. There are times we could talk all night. There are also times when I get off the phone and feel like the whole conversation was strained. No reason--just doesn't flow. When we are together in person, that NEVER happens. I think that's pretty normal and not something to get all upset about.

 

Are you talking too much? I know that seems strange, but sometimes if we talk too long on the phone we wear each other out...you can always try writing letters, emails, calling, talking on MSN, a combination of all those things. Just realize that sometimes quality is more meaningful than quantity.

 

Maybe MSN is not the best form of communication for the two of you. Are you both in the US? If so, maybe talking on the phone is better. Do you see each other regularly? That helps stay connected, too.

 

If I didn't know I would see him in a couple weeks I would go crazy.

 

LDRs are HARD. I can understand why her feelings are hurt...what you told her probably made her feel like you are bored talking to her, you think she lacks depth, she's a step away from losing you, etc. Hard stuff to talk about.

 

Can you bring up topics you'd rather discuss? I realize you need what you need, but we talk about a lot of lame stuff because we are friends, not just bf/gf. I'm in love with my best friend. It's one of the great things about the relationship, and it means we can talk about stuff friends talk about...and more.

 

Write back with thoughts. I'm sure this seems scattered...but I'm trying!!

[thisisarandomperson]

Sorry i've taken so long to reply.

 

Well i got things sorted, but it took a lot of effort (as usual). Im still unsure of things though, i'm just a little tired of trying so hard all the time.

 

Answers to your questions:

1. We've been going out since 14th feb but we've known each other for over a year.

 

2. Well we met online and we've always been far apart. Well back then i had a lot less on my mind, now im obsessed with getting a good education.

 

3. Im 17, 18 in august. She is 16 and is 17 on the 14th.

 

Recently i have been under a lot of pressure with coursework as it is my final year of school before i go to uni. I've been spending a lot of time doing coursework and when i have free time i want to be able to relax to some online games (im an avid gamer :-p). But my gf always asks me to come online (msn) to talk to her. I can't refuse as that would be rude and she always really wants to talk to me. I know it may sound a bit selfish, but i need some ME time to relax. I dont really like spending hours on MSN as it gets boring and im not really relaxing and i can't do anything else. I am always on for like 4+ hours each time and she says even that isn't enough for her. But that is way too much for me. I know she does get quite bored at home so that is why she would want to talk to me a lot online.

 

Sometimes she annoys me because she can be quite naive, stubborn or just being stupid (only word i can think of and im not meaning to insult her). I say stuff and sometimes she doesnt understand, which can really frustrate me. I like to make intellectual jokes and talk about stuff with a bit of depth. Whereas she is just a bit naive. For example getting really excited when for example a band she likes does a cover song from another band.

 

Im just still feeling quite unsure about this relationship and i really dont want to hurt her. Hope someone can keep talking to me so i can help figure out whats going on in my head

 

Btw we're both from UK

[thisisarandomperson]

Oh i forgot a bit of stuff that i should have added to the post i just posted now. Read that then this bit... We used to text a lot (when she had a job) which i enjoyed a lot more as i didnt have to sit there for hours on end talking and not really relaxing. She is getting a job now and has had a few job interviews. Hopefully it could go back to texting as i preferred it like that as we could do our own thing whilst still talk to each other.

[beefy]

hey there sounds like alot of doubt here. I used to have a long distance relationship and it didnt work out for exactly the same reasons you said. I told her i wasnt sure if i loved her or not. She freaked out and we eventually broke up. Thing you gotta learn bout chicks is that they want a 'long term' thing. You gotta give that to em.

 

Actually having thought about it a bit more, and reading how young you are i would suggest just being friends. You will meet many girls in your life and you WILL know when you love them.

[lilyface]

Hey. I can definitely empathize with what you're feeling. I'm dating a wonderful guy that I've known since the ninth grade, and this September he moved away to attend university in a city 8hrs away. Our relationship has always seemed to have a refreshing lack of hang-ups, but we've recently encountered much the same type of communication problems that you guys have had.

 

We haven't seen each other in two or three months, and I keep feeling as if our conversations are so trite and meaningless-- like you said, the kind of thing you would talk to friends about but that isn't enough for a couple. And if we're just talking to each other like we talk to all our other friends who are away at university, then what's the point of going through the agony that is a long distance relationship?

 

But, see, I've come to understand something-- those little things that they tell us about their day and their friends that seem so meaningless... well, that helps us to understand what their life is like wherever they are! When I have no idea what he's doing on a daily basis, I feel so isolated from him! For us, our intimacy problems are solved by typing *e-snuggle* and sending those cute MSN-winks (the "kiss" and "heart" ones especially) and by cybering occasionally.

 

As for wondering whether you really love her... well, if you still want to be with her then that is NOT the sort of thing you should EVER say. Sometimes, when the going gets rough, we all question whether we really want to stay in a relationship. But it seems as if you guys are just having problems coming up with meaningful things to talk about, and if you still care about her even in the slightest, you have some SERIOUS grovelling to do. After all, since you've said you're not sure whether you love her anymore, she's probably seriously reconsidering how much she loves YOU. Don't make her take the first step and dump you. This advice is probably coming a little late, but here are some suggestions: phone her up and play her "your" song and apologize to her or send her a sweet email (my bf once sent me and email with just the text of the nursery rhyme "You Are My Sunshine" and it was heart-meltingly adorable) or mail her a little care package with a few flower petals and some chocolate or something to that effect.

 

Oh, and please don't harp too much on the fact that she is apparently not intelligent enough for you. I know that sometimes I talk about things that my bf (a darling though he is) just doesn't get. I'm 16 and in my second year of university, and he's 19 and in his first (we were both class of 2005 out of high school-- I was 15, he was 18-- but I fast-tracked my degree). Sometimes I can be horribly pretentious about the things that my English degree covers... and sometimes he (also an avid gamer) just doesn't want to listen to me being entranced by literary archetypes or postcolonial perspectives. Try to have a sense of humour about it. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier with someone as intellectual as I am; someone who would rather discuss politics and religion with me than Halo 3 or bloody Battlefield Earth. But then, I like to be giggly and silly too sometimes. It keeps it fun. I think that instead of fancying yourself to be smarter than her, you should try to understand what makes HER tick and what intrigues HER. Unless you're a bloody genius (and I know what I'm talking about, 'cause I come pretty damn close) you should try not to let your relationship be bogged down by thoughts of your own mental superiority-- because that sort of smarter-than-thou attitude is just unattractive in a guy.

 

And if you really don't think you love her, then have a spine and break up with her-- an LDR is bloody hard and it's just not worth it unless you know that this person is WITHOUT A DOUBT the person you want to be with right now.

 

I don't mean to sounds harsh in any way. I really do sympathize with what you're going through, but sometimes it helps to be perfectly frank.

 

Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

[Cheamps]

I'd recommend talking about this to her on the phone, instead of online, if possible. I know for me, sometimes things are easily misconstrued online. Just a little note.