LDR, not LDR, or just LD... can someone relate to this experience?

[pinartgirl]

Hi,

 

I'm new poster although I've visited here many times, read your post, learned a lot and found myself and my thoughts in many stories, questions, rants and answers... which is why I choose this site to post something that is on my mind.

 

Sorry if this will be long.... I’ll go with the flow

 

Maybe a bit of history would be in place.... I met my friend online 3 y ago. We didn't call it LDR but we acted like a couple. At that 9 month period we discussed he would come visit me but due to his »too much going on in his life« stuff, he disappeared. It was bad for a while but I got over it.

Soooo.. after three and so years he »found« me again, quite accidentally (msn computer generated mail or something appeared in his mail and he thought it was me who send that. I wasn't!).

Anyway... after a while, he confess he still loves me.. wants only me.. believes that.. and if I want the same thing (values, lifestyle, relationship, more children etc) we should discuss. I took a month and answer him »I do« and gave him basically a list of what I need and want.. till we meet and take it from there. He agreed on everything (I won't go in to details right now) and started to act on it right away.

We are talking about meeting in October. So it's 6 month altogether since we started contacting.

 

As I see it, we are friends... wanting to (finally) see each other for the first time in real life... we both feel and also rational know we fit on many levels (mentally, physical attraction is there as much as pictures and voice allows, emotional and spiritual and above all we are both very artistic, creative, mental and in private, very touchy)...

Our emails are things that happens daily with occasional romantic note: how I wish you'd be here or there... miss you... etc. We had one hot sexual story and that was it. So I know it's not about him wanting internet affair or filling his ego.

 

The fact is, he told me he loves me.. I'm the one... he want to be with me... etc. ... I told him I'm fond of him and discussion about that never again arise. In the process, I feel in my own »trap« of falling in love with him again I say »trap« - because a.) he is still in the process of divorce, though he live in his own apt. and I never wanted to fall in love with a man when in this status (I basically had a moral block, which I was proud of it) and b.) I told myself I won't fall in love online again (had bad experiences, with him too!).

He doesn't know that I'm in love, better yet – I can honestly say, that with all sane mind I possess - I love him.

I know he feels through my continuous contacts that I'm keeping my promise, which is that I will wait for him to come here. Wait – meaning I will not make any major, serious decision about relationship with another man, although I did told him at the beginning I will continue dating until we see each other. He asks occasionally: “Can you wait?” I say: “Yes, I can wait.. you?”. He says: I’m strong because you are.”

 

Now the question is.. or maybe just rambling... What kind of relationship is this??? Does it need a definition before he comes here? Does it matter that He says he loves me and he think I don't? Should I tell him now? But he doesn’t give me things I’ve asked I need (telephone calls and pictures.. well if I’m honest I would be okay with a call per week) He knows that, he promised he would call but he doesn’t. He’s just so dam busy!

I feel on one side I should be happy that he’s to come meet me here – 12h flight away from his country (USA) »just to see me«! and have The talk!

I mean – could he have such high belief that we are meant to be, that he is serious about me, us, that he will risk such a trip and possible heartache – when he doesn't know if I want him? Could it be that he’s so self absorbed that he doesn’t think of possible consequences, like: I could meet somebody else, since I’m free to date whoever I want.. The new guy could give me exactly what I need I’m and ask for… I could say I don’t want to be with him in a serious relationship…

 

Maybe I'm just scared that I'm feeling that I can get what I want in a man and waited for so long (through many challenging experiences), or maybe I'm just thinking too much and I should just give live through this month and see, and talk later. Maybe I’m terrified that this feeling, this opportunity, this potential is for what my heart suddenly hopes for. Which would be a scandal for my mind since I thought I long a go stopped falling in love with “potential”!

 

And the classics: I'm also scared he won't come. I'm scared that I will have deja-vu of him disappearing. I could find more fears, but I have to go to my pilates class.

 

I don't tell him about my mental escapades... I did before and he tells me: Patience my dear.

He's under lot of pressure right now… he tells me he is working on a plan how to work from abroad, spending time with his two children, traveling a lot and renovating his mom’s house.

 

But since I'm in love, of course I get irritated on things like: he keeps forgetting to send more pictures of him... he doesn't call... or sends nothing too romantic (he gets romantic from time to time, just right), but no card or something »just because«. It seems that everything he does, he does because he has a reason. I'm still learning about that difference btw men and women.

 

Give me a thought... smile or stroll with me… I'll listen

 

And thanks for your time

[bluechocolate]

For one thing I don't think you can fall in love on the internet. And for another I don't think it's wise to fall in love with a married man who "disappears" on you & then "pops" back into your virtual world. Is he still in the process of his divorce? Make plans to meet up if you must, but keep in mind that he "disappeared" once before.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Yeah, What Blue said. You don't know if he likes to clip his tonails and eat it. How could you be in love. I don't think you know what love is.

[pinartgirl]

blue, IHNFC

 

thanks for your opinion… I appreciate it, yet you didn’t touch my so-called concern.

 

The fact that he disappeared before is my huge fear now, which also makes me paranoid, little things irritates me more than usually would or wouldn’t at all. And that’s why I want more proof from him… I don’t know WHAT can I ask him to give me as proof? And I’m not sure what would a proof actually proved? His visit? His love? What? If he gives me words, I haven’t done anything different than I have now.

One thing is his ticket scan when he buys it, but that will happened in beginning of Oct.

 

He’s not officially divorced yet.. it will happen in November or bg. Of December.

 

I know about him as much as he shared with me of course, and he of me. We did shared a lot, in details. Bad, worse and good things. With no shame, no hiding, just truth.. so we said.

 

I might not know ALL about Love, I’m sure I learned some in my 20 y exploring it though… and I sure do know what Love is not.

[megabit15]

I'd be leary of this one - he doesn't call or communicate except when he wants something. Sounds very selfish and one way street to me.

[pinartgirl]

Yea, I am leery!

 

I’m not sure what he wants when he writes… I don’t think he wants much from me right now, except a confirmation I still want to meet. He basically writes about something meaningful that has happened to him, or what he’ll do in the next week, or where he will go…

 

I choose min. contact (just answer to his mail), to learn more about my triggers, patterns and then I will know more how to deal with this. It helps me to calm down, see things in different perspective. And I have to admit I don’t write also to see what he will do.

 

I do have hot buttons that will probably never entirely vanish. I feel disrespected in matters of the heart very easily... I'm still working on that! I was emotionally, verbally and physically abused by my dad, till I was 18 (then I moved away). And my mom (thought she will help) was telling me all the time: He loves you, he just can't show that – I understood that as: he treats me like trash and that's love. To cut it short.. I learned through very ****ty experiences what love is NOT.

 

When I like someone and have many things in common with I don't look for another, I don't feel very comfortable going on dates.. and even when I have million things to do and have all this friends to spend my time with, I can’t help it but to think how things could be smoother with me and this LD friend.

 

My best friend (from my town) just told me to be easy on this matter. That I should wait till he comes, and talk in details then. I can still tell him again later what I need to make things work and wait to see if he will deliver. That I should be only focus on meeting because I need to see/feel him in person first. True.

 

I'll do just that and in the meantime I guess I’ll accept a date with this cute Italian that's been asking me out.

Hopefully I’ll forget about troubles in paradise for a while.

 

Thanks for listening