Melissa_J Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I started seeing someone recently who lives 5 hours away. We met when he was in town for work for a few weeks and had actually slightly knew each other in college. We have been going back and forth for 4 months now to visit each other every 2-4weeks. The problem is 5 years ago (while in college) I slept with his best friend. Which has been a weird topic with us from the beginning. This guy I’m seeing and I hit it off immediately but he tried to pump the brakes and tell me that he could never pursue this because I had slept with his best friend and it was too weird for him. Long story short we kept talking and visiting for the last few months and have admitted we are falling in love with each other. He is truly the best guy I’ve ever met and don’t want to lose him. Even though we brushed it aside between us, his best friend has a serious girlfriend who hates my guts because I had sex with her boyfriend back I college (the girl is 21 so still very immature about this stuff) and she has banned me from hanging out with them. It’s driving a bit of a wedge between him and his best friend because he hangs out with his best friend and her girlfriend quite often but now him and I try to coordinate weekends to see each other and he always has to choose between me and his best friend because his girlfriend refuses to meet me or let her boyfriend be around me ever again. In fact she’s been very mean and called me a slut and told me that this new relationship I’m in is just a fling and he’ll get over it soon which made me cry in front of him. So now this weekend I’m driving back through his town and wanted to stop over to spend the night. He said he really wants me to come stay with him but he has to go to a party at his best friends house that evening and wants me to come. I know that’s not the place to confront this girl slash if he were to ask to bring me they would say no. He can’t back out of the party because he committed to it a while ago which I respect, but it sucks that I can’t come with him and therefore have to forgo seeing him this weekend because this girl won’t allow me around. ( not that relevant but he just sold his place so he’s staying at his moms for the month and I feel weird hanging back at his moms without him there while he goes to the party since we’ve only met once). How do I broach this situation? I don’t think it will go well if I reach out to her, I think she likes the drama and it won’t get through to her. One of my friends suggested asking if the guys could set up a night where the four of us grab a drink so I can meet her face to face and then maybe she won’t hate me so much after she sees I’m a real person? Someone else told me to just wait it out, once my relationship gets more serious and she grows up a little she’ll back off after realizing this isn’t just a fling? Please tell me what I should do because I can’t let this girl who’ve I’ve never even met slowly destroy my relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 I would not continue dating a man who allowed a childish little kid to affect our relationship like this, particularly after all the nasty things she said about you. He is making choices that speak volumes. The problem, really, is him. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 I take it he's past your long ago dalliance with his buddy? That is issue # 1. If he's not then what the little 21 year old thinks doesn't matter. I would not go to the party so either cancel your trip or be prepared to stay home while your guy goes alone which isn't much of a solution. I do agree with whoever said that the two guys need to tell the 21 year old that you are part of their circle now not to get her BF, your EX, back but because you & your BF are fully committed so she needs to get over it. That has to be done by her BF as sticking up for his best friend, your BF. If they can't or won't do that this won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Melissa_J Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 I think he’s more of the mindset that he doesn’t want to get involved and when she says things about me I think he more just tried to diffuse the situation to not make things writes between him and his best friend. This is his lifelong best friend and so I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose between us either Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 He's going to have to make a choice between spending time with either them or you. It isn't her nor her BF's place to decide if you can come or not and they should both mind their own business and keep their nose out of your relationship. That business happened a few years ago. It's in the past and she needs to get over herself and accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Melissa_J Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 And yes I think he is pretty much over it. It was definitely a sore subject and we do t like to bring it up now but when we first started hanging out he said he could never be serious with me knowing I slept with his best friend but then we just kept seeing each other and things progressed to where they are now. I asked him a few weeks ago if it bothers him at all and he said no so that’s a good sign. I ended up not stopping in so I’ll talk to him tomorrow after the party, hopefully she didn’t bring me up in front of everyone and if he says she did I’m going to ask him to talk to his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 (edited) I think he’s more of the mindset that he doesn’t want to get involved and when she says things about me I think he more just tried to diffuse the situation to not make things writes between him and his best friend. This is his lifelong best friend and so I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose between us either How exactly is he diffusing the situation? My partner would be irate if someone spoke about me the way this girl speaks about you, especially if it were his best friend's girl. He certainly wouldn't continue to spend time with the person who badmouthed me. The importance of common courtesy and respect seems to be lost on all of them. Your boyfriend and his best friend are enabling this girl's behaviour. He doesn't want to make things "weird" between him and his best friend, but he doesn't have much of an issue making things weird for you. In my experience, guys like this aren't worth the hassle. At some point, you will get tired of asking for basic respect and trying to tiptoe around a situation that has been blown entirely out of proportion. Trying to be "nice" to her isn't going to work; she's too much of a drama queen and will always find reasons to hate you. This girl is being immature, but in my honest opinion, your guy is handling this quite poorly too. If he isn't willing to take a stand, your relationship won't survive. EDIT: One question for clarification, how did you find out about this? "In fact she’s been very mean and called me a slut and told me that this new relationship I’m in is just a fling and he’ll get over it soon which made me cry in front of him." You said you have never met her, so I am guessing your boyfriend relayed this to you? Edited July 6, 2019 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Melissa_J Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Member Join Date: Dec 2018 Posts: 11 Thank you. You’re right. I know it puts him in a tough place but I do need him to stand up for me especially because we are long distance they all hang out without me quite often and I need to know he has my back and stands up for me. As for how I know what she said I head it firsthand. He was on the phone with his best friend while we were together and had his phone set down on speaker. His friend asked how I was doing and apparently his girlfriend was also in the room so she chimed in and started saying mean things about me and I ran out crying Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 If this other woman called you that word, I'd never want to be in her presence either. Let your BF & his buddy hang out but I wouldn't go near the name caller no matter what unless she apologized. Even then I'd be very untrusting of her. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 Thank you. You’re right. I know it puts him in a tough place but I do need him to stand up for me especially because we are long distance they all hang out without me quite often and I need to know he has my back and stands up for me. And, is he actually doing that? How did he respond when this girl was demeaning you over the phone? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 I have many friends who spend time with other friends, but not as couples. There is nothing saying that they can’t continue their friendship and not get together as couples. In no way am I accommodating to a poorly behaved 21 year old who calls me names... and your boyfriend shouldn’t either. Link to post Share on other sites
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