Am I the cause of the drama?

[LDRelationship]

Hi everyone.

I'm not sure if this is in the right place, but being as I am in a LDR, I figured that it is the best place.

 

 

I'm having a few problems at the moment, with trust and insecurities.

I am under quite a bit of stress with money, health, job and relationship insecurities.

 

I love my LDR partner more than I have ever felt for another, and he the same. But neither of us want to relocate (we are on opposite sides of the country), and I am struggling with this.

 

I find myself holding onto issues and fears, because I don't want to cause conflict and create an argument. And it builds up to a point so that when he says something, that I normally just try to brush aside, it tips me over the edge and I get upset and then we fight.

 

 

This last fight was about me giving him attitude for no apparent reason yesterday during a phone call.

He made a sexual comment regarding an ex and I, which I have told him in the past makes me uncomfortable.

I want to focus on our future, and our relationship, not bring up and joke about having sex with other people. It also included a comment that I took great offense to.

Being non confrontational, I didn't pick him up on it at the time, but I couldn't keep the conversation on the positive, and he hung up on me for being in a bad mood.

I messaged him and apologised for being in a bad mood, and he replied that if I had a problem with something, I should tell him, that he's not my emotional punching bag.

So I told him that I took offense to his comments, and that he knows I hate it when he jokes about me being intimate with other people. That it gets to a point where it gets too much and I shouldn't just have to keep brushing it aside. But that I apologise for not going about it the right way, and that it felt like I was taking my anger out on him.

 

 

Tonight, he messaged me to tell me that it's all in my head. That I'm creating issues that aren't there. That I'm projecting the blame onto him and making things up, to make him feel like he's a bad person. That he'll never joke with me again about anything on the chance it would come back to bite him. That he didn't want to deal with this tonight, good night.

 

 

 

I know that I am an emotional, negative and sensitive person. But I just don't feel that I'm being listened to. I feel that no matter what, I'm always going to be the one in the wrong.

I feel entitled to being upset by his comments, yet he just refuses to see my point of view. Or am I the one refusing to see his?

 

 

 

Do I need counseling to get myself past this? Could I just be an argumentative person who refuses to be happy? Do I constantly shift the blame to other people because I can never accept the blame myself?

What can I do differently? Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

If you are presently experiencing issues with money, health, & your job on top of your relationship, all those negatives are going to impact everything about your life.

 

I suppose you need to focus on health first because without health the rest don't matter.

 

You say you love your LDR partner but neither of you want to relocate. If the distance will never close, unless you independently wealthy & can fly back & forth all the time, what exactly are you fighting to preserve -- some phone calls? Seriously think about this -- would your life / health be better if you lived somewhere else? Would you have a better job? Would the cost of living be lower?

 

As for what you can do differently -- absolutely speak up in the moment when your partner says something to upset you. Biting your tongue then seething so that it poisons your overall attitude causing abrupt ends to conversations is passive aggressive & counter productive.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hold up, here - exactly what sort of sexual comments is he making about his ex? And how often is he joking about having sex with other people?

 

I think the rest of your issues with him pale in comparison to the disrespect he's displaying by continuing to make inappropriate comments that he already knows will hurt you. Yes, you should tell him in the moment that it hurts but he shouldn't be making such comments to begin with, for heaven's sake.

 

I have to wonder what other sorts of inappropriate behaviour you've been putting up with and then blaming yourself for. It's concerning that you somehow feel you might need counselling to better deal with his jerkishness, or that he's got you apologizing for being in a bad mood when he makes rude sexual remarks about other women. This is arse-backwards, OP.

 

How long have you been together and how often do you spend time together in person?

[d0nnivain]

Hold up, here - exactly what sort of sexual comments is he making about his ex?

 

 

I thought the comment was about the OP & the OP's EX?

[ExpatInItaly]

I thought the comment was about the OP & the OP's EX?

 

Hm, good question. I took it to mean his ex, but you could be right.

 

OP, can you clarify? In any event, if he knows sexual remarks about anyone else bother you, he should not continue to provoke you this way. It's a lack of respect for you, no matter who his "jokes" involve.

[basil67]

Neither of you will relocate for the other. This proves that both of you put the other low on their priority list. Stop focusing on the small stuff like this petty argument when there there is no future for you both. Staying together is a complete and utter waste of time.

[LDRelationship]

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate your input.

He once said that he would be willing to relocate, but that is not on the cards at this point any longer due to family commitments and lower employment opportunities.

 

Employment wise, his location is better. His friends and family are there. The cost of living is higher, medical about the same. And as he's currently boarding with friends, we would have to start from scratch.

I have a home, no mortgage, my family is here. But I am currently unemployed as my work went into liquidation.

The thought of relocating my life, leaving my home and family (no chilldren), sends my anxiety through the roof.

 

 

I agree, I need to be more up front with how I'm feeling at the time, regardless of whether or not it will create an argument. I need to learn how to be more confident and up front in that aspect.

 

 

His comments are regarding me being intimate with other people, including my ex. In a way it comes across as making comparisons. I wonder if it's because he feels insecure?

He just says that we should be comfortable with each other to joke, and not to take things to heart.

 

 

We've known each other for quite a few years now. And we both want to try to somehow make this work.

 

We all have our flaws, I know that I have many, and I'd like to address what I can to make myself a better person.

This is just one thing that has been ongoing for quite a while now. That I personally have an issue with. He doesn't agree.

[ExpatInItaly]

Alongside the other issues, if neither of you is willing to relocate - what is the point of continuing this relationship?

 

Are you hoping he will change his mind and move to you, or?

[BaileyB]

I agree with the other posters. If neither of you are willing to relocate - and for good reason - then I don’t see much point in putting more time and energy into this relationship. You would be wise to focus on your own health and happiness, with the hope that you will someday find someone local to date.

 

As to the sexual comments, there is always a line and that line is different for everyone. He has crossed this line, and you are upset. The most important thing to attend to may not actually be that he has crossed the line, because we all make comments that we regret at times. The bigger issue for me would be his response to the fact that his words have upset you. Rather than apologizing and respecting your feelings, he has gone on offence and pushed the blame onto you in a way that has made you feel worse. This is not cool... This is not a nice guy, not the way someone who loved you and respected you would act. Do with that what you will...

[d0nnivain]

I suppose you two got here because you knew each other, you were together, it happened & whatever it is that you are doing occasionally when you see each other beats being all alone. But it's not a good long term solution.

 

Given everything else you have going on upending this "relationship" right now probably just adds more stress. Apologize for not being more up front when you are upset. Talk to him about his need to elicit comparisons. It probably does stem from his insecurities. In the future if he brings it up again remind him of his promise to stop because it's inappropriate. He gets one warning in the conversation. Then I'd say something "We're not talking about him. You & I are together but if you are trying to drive me back to him keep it up because at least he knew when to stop talking about a subject that made me annoyed."

 

Let this be water under the bridge for right now.

 

Your 1st step has to be getting yourself a new job. Once you fix that stressor it will be easier to address the other issues, including tackling whether you really want to continue with him.

[rainbow12]

OP you may know this person for a decade or years or whatever but this guy is totally wrong for you. Why? I'll give you a list.

 

1. his insecurities

2. he's incapable of being in an adult relationship

3. He lacks feelings for you over you being upset

4. He's infantile

5. He's unemployed

6. He shows no ambition to being in this relationship

 

I don't see all these bad traits about him can make you possibly love this guy let alone of you talking to him. It's like you're putting up with a man child for the sake of not being alone. Why are you wasting anymore time with him?

 

 

It's not your job to stay with him and fix his insecurities, It just proves he's not ready for a committed relationship or LDR. He needs to sort himself out.

Making jokes about you having sex with people and about him as well with his ex is just what a 13 year old would behave.

 

Your LDR is going nowhere especially with him. You said it yourself it stresses you out and to me it's like it's one sided. You have to concentrate on yourself. You need to concentrate on your health, getting a job not jumping into a online relationship with a man whom doesn't respect you enough.

[LDRelationship]

He has stable employment where is is living. So it's too much of a risk for him to relocate to my area, where he will lose that stability. Especially when I haven't had any luck yet in finding a job of my own.

 

 

He is caring, and loving, and gentle. And drops everything to help me if I need it.

 

We do argue a lot, but a lot of that is because I am sensitive, insecure, and because I sit and stew on things, I make mountains out of molehills.

 

 

He feels that I am just turning this conversation around, to blame him, and make him feel bad. So that I feel not to blame for this argument.

 

I wasn't trying to do that, I was just trying to explain why I got upset. I know that he doesn't mean any harm by it, that he thought it was just a laugh. But it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

I feel that I have acknowledged and apologised that I should have said something straight up. That I do need to be more upfront, and not sit on things and allow it to turn into something toxic.

 

 

 

He said he didn't want to deal with this last night. So I said good night. And haven't heard anything since.

I haven't reached out either, because I just don't know what to say.

 

It's going to be an argument, whether I reach out now, or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is this a common theme, with you jumping through hoops to placate him after he does something he know will upset you?

[LDRelationship]

Talking things out is what a couple should do, isn't it?

I have a history of shutting down, and avoiding problems, because I am scared of confrontations, and I struggle with communication.

 

I have been trying to not do that, and to make the effort to reach out and talk it out, rather than retreat.

But today I have been too anxious to reach out, and I feel that I am intentionally avoiding the issue, and am concerned that it's just going to make the situation worse.

 

 

I put my hand up, yes I created the tension by handling it poorly, and made him feel like crap. But in trying to explain how I was feeling, it just made the situation worse.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're still not getting it, OP.

 

You have told him that these inappropriate jokes and comments bother you, and you have previously asked him to stop.

 

It's the very fact that he keeps doing it that's the main problem here. You don't seem to understand that your reaction is not the biggest issue; it's his insistence on continuing to disrespect you like this.

 

You seem to be more afraid to confront the underlying problem, which is that he behaves like a jerk in the first place.

[BaileyB]

I totally agree with Expat. ^^^^

 

The issue here isn’t really you, and your ability to communicate. The issue here is that he continues to do something that you have told him is hurtful, even after you have established that boundary. That’s HIS problem, not yours.

 

Hard to say from what you’ve written but I would hazard a guess that two things are going on here... You, seem to have issues with self confidence, communication, and managing conflict. These are things that you will want to work on for the health of your relationship and your own wellbeing. While he, appears to somewhat emotionally abusive in the way that he uses your insecurity to blame you for virtually every conflict in your relationship, not taking any responsibility himself.

[Mrin]

Agree that one big issue is him coming back to the you having sex with exes issue you have told him that's a hot-button for you.

 

How you reacted this of course another one. you should have just called him on it specifically rather than being all passive aggressive and moody.

 

But, no and I just want toss this out here, from the sounds of it I don't think you two are a good fit from a personality type perspective.

[LDRelationship]

He is far from a jerk. He is actually a genuinely beautiful person, who has done so much for me, even before we got together.

 

I have treated him like utter crap in the past, and we are trying to move forward.

 

 

BaileyB, you are quite right. I do have issues in those departments. He has helped me grow my self confidence, but there is still an underlying problem.

My anxiety seems to be growing, especially since losing my job and attending interviews and the likes.

 

 

 

I am feeling that I am always the one to blame for our problems... some of them I agree with 100%. I've just been feeling "damned if I do, damned if I don't" lately.

He says to tell him my problem, and I do, and hence we argue. It just makes me want to open up my thoughts and feelings even less. But then, doing that, after a while, we have the inevitable blow out anyway.

We've gone back to the 'silent treatment' until one of us breaks. I am so damn anxious about the upcoming confrontation, that I keep burying my head in the sand.

 

 

 

We used to be so compatible, yin yang so to speak. But living apart, with our own separate things going on, and a break in between, we are just not the same people anymore. I am seeing differences and rifts between us.

 

 

 

The love is still there, it is still intense. But I need for us to sort out this unhealthy conflict.

 

 

I'm sorry, it sounds like a broken record.

I am listening to you all, and I am really appreciating your opinions. Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

He is far from a jerk. He is actually a genuinely beautiful person, who has done so much for me, even before we got together.

 

A genuinely beautiful person doesn't keep doing something they know hurts their partner, OP. He is continuing to make comments that he knows upset you. That isn't the behavior of a great man.

 

You're in some serious denial here, and seem intent on blaming yourself because you are afraid of facing facts and conceding that he's not as awesome as you tell yourself.

[BaileyB]

OP, have you done any counselling? Can you do any counselling - are there free services you can use or would it be converted under health insurance?

 

He has definitely not treated you well. But by your own description, it’s quite clear that you are not on a healthy place either.

 

This just simply isn’t going to work if neither of you are healthy partners. You will just continue to be each other’s emotional punching bags, and that’s not fair.

 

My humble opinion, your focus right now should be on finding a job, getting some counselling for your anxiety, and learning to stand on your own two feet... you will not be ready for any relationship until you are happy and healthy. Good luck.

[LDRelationship]

I am starting to look into counseling. I don't have health insurance, so I'm looking into bulk bill options for my area.

After the opinions that you all have given, I know that sorting myself out is my first priority.

I still haven't spoken to him. And I'm feeling less like I need to extend the olive branch.

 

 

Thank you all for your input, it's greatly appreciated.

[Atwood]

A genuinely beautiful person doesn't keep doing something they know hurts their partner, OP. He is continuing to make comments that he knows upset you. That isn't the behavior of a great man.

 

You're in some serious denial here, and seem intent on blaming yourself because you are afraid of facing facts and conceding that he's not as awesome as you tell yourself.

 

I could not agree more.

 

Telling someone it’s all in their head is not healthy, either. He sounds scary and difficult to cope with and if a husband ever said anything like that I’d be gone - let alone a LDR with someone I won’t relocate for.

 

You would never treat somebody like that, would you? And you’d be concerned for a friend in the same situation, right? So why on earth are you letting someone treat YOU like that? Know your worth, look after yourself and don’t tolerate people in your life who make you feel upset. If they were worth it, they’d care and they’d have constructive, healthy conversations with you about it. He doesn’t!!

[LDRelationship]

Well that's that.

After dredging up the past of absolutely everything that I've done wrong in the relationship, it's safe to say that the relationship has been put to rest.

I'm feeling quite emotionally battered and bruised. But it's got to be for the best.

 

 

Thank you all again for your input.

[xxcazaxx]

Time to take care of yourself x

[rainbow12]

Talking things out is what a couple should do, isn't it?

I have a history of shutting down, and avoiding problems, because I am scared of confrontations, and I struggle with communication.

 

I have been trying to not do that, and to make the effort to reach out and talk it out, rather than retreat.

But today I have been too anxious to reach out, and I feel that I am intentionally avoiding the issue, and am concerned that it's just going to make the situation worse.

 

 

I put my hand up, yes I created the tension by handling it poorly, and made him feel like crap. But in trying to explain how I was feeling, it just made the situation worse.

 

 

 

 

You really don't get it OP. This man you are virtually with needs to come to an end. He doesn't love you because he continues on the sex jokes. OP haven't you read every single thing I said? Okay OP a guy disrespects your feelings but it's okay because he was nice to you sometimes and...has drop everything for you just to help you out. I DON'T think so dear. He only pass the buck on you when....you get upset and it involves with him. so is that a pass to let him do whatever he wants in being a jerk? is this relationship going to come to a point where you perform bread and circuses for him?

OP you wrote to us because you feel like something is wrong in your LDR with him and we pointed it all out of what the issues are, You either take our advise or continue buttering him up and take the insensitive words he throws at you that he thinks is funny.

Edited June 29, 2019 by rainbow12