How long before making long-distance relationship "official"?

[redridinghood1990]

So I'll add some context to make it clear. I started speaking to this man online in January. I am 22 and he is (recently) 25. We have met three times since March. He lives in Scotland and I live in England so commuting via train is easy enough when we have the time. After his second visit I was asked out by men online as I said I was single which he was not too happy with, despite previously clarifying that we are both single and not together.

 

To me, "seeing each other" means you are free to date other people but he claims there should be some exclusivity after the time we've spent together as it's the step before entering a relationship and he assumed that's where we're headed given that it's a process. This is understandable. When we discussed he said I was making myself seem available via social media and that perhaps he likes me more than I like him (this is false).

 

While I don't have any desire to date other men, I do think that out of principle I should be free to. It sounds to me as though he wants to be with me without actually being with me; have his cake and eat it too, best of both worlds etc. If I put myself on hold for someone when I'm uncertain about when he decides it's time to 'officially' ask me out, am I being mugged off? I don't want to be played or strung along. Or am I being totally unreasonable?

 

It seems that we are already in a relationship just without the labels, which I would quite like to have with him. I feel that I like him enough that I'm ready for that. So I'm just wondering if anyone else started off long-distance and when the best time is to take that next step? He is coming to visit me next month and I'm preparing myself for the possibility that he still won't have asked me by the end of the few days. I'm also aware that most LDR's don't start off that way, so it's a bit different.

[d0nnivain]

There is no standardized universal time frame for these things. Unfortunately you & he seem to be of different minds. He wants exclusivity now. You want the theoretical option to date others due to the distance which seems reasonable to me but it's probably a deal breaker for him. Especially because of the distance, he needs greater reassurances of your fidelity which you are hesitant to give him. It's a rotten Catch-22.

[redridinghood1990]

Thank you for replying! I would be happy with exclusivity if we were officially together. In general I would be fine with it now since we more or less are, but out of principle I don't feel it's right as we are not together and I don't want to be taken for a muggins.

[d0nnivain]

Then talk to him about your fears & concerns. Open up. Take that risk & talk it through. I think if you risk getting hurt you will find common ground that makes you both happy. Even if I am wrong, you won't be losing much because you are at odds now.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

So I'll add some context to make it clear. I started speaking to this man online in January. I am 22 and he is (recently) 25. We have met three times since March. He lives in Scotland and I live in England so commuting via train is easy enough when we have the time. After his second visit I was asked out by men online as I said I was single which he was not too happy with, despite previously clarifying that we are both single and not together.

To me, "seeing each other" means you are free to date other people but he claims there should be some exclusivity after the time we've spent together as it's the step before entering a relationship and he assumed that's where we're headed given that it's a process. This is understandable. When we discussed he said I was making myself seem available via social media and that perhaps he likes me more than I like him (this is false).

 

While I don't have any desire to date other men, I do think that out of principle I should be free to. It sounds to me as though he wants to be with me without actually being with me; have his cake and eat it too, best of both worlds etc. If I put myself on hold for someone when I'm uncertain about when he decides it's time to 'officially' ask me out, am I being mugged off? I don't want to be played or strung along. Or am I being totally unreasonable?

It seems that we are already in a relationship just without the labels, which I would quite like to have with him. I feel that I like him enough that I'm ready for that. So I'm just wondering if anyone else started off long-distance and when the best time is to take that next step? He is coming to visit me next month and I'm preparing myself for the possibility that he still won't have asked me by the end of the few days. I'm also aware that most LDR's don't start off that way, so it's a bit different.

 

This to me is absolutely ridiculous! He does want to put you on hold, while he is free to date others. Until the relationship becomes official, you are free to date whoever you want. One thing for certain, until a man (or woman) makes a commitment of a relationship, they have no obligation to you. If they date/sleep around and find someone else they like, you can't get upset because you aren't "official".

 

 

Don't commit anything. He doesn't sound like a guy who will treat you right and will string you along. Put it down now, you either are exclusive or both of you can date.

[alphamale]

have you two had sex yet?

[redridinghood1990]

Yes we are sleeping together. And he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's made it clear that he wants to be with me and doesn't want to date other women. Because he wants to give us a chance and see where we're going. I don't actually want to date other men but I believe I should be able to until he wants to make it official.

[alphamale]

Yes we are sleeping together. And he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's made it clear that he wants to be with me and doesn't want to date other women. Because he wants to give us a chance and see where we're going. I don't actually want to date other men but I believe I should be able to until he wants to make it official.

 

just say to him "No huggie, no kissy until I get a weddin' ring"

[preraph]

Honestly, it would take a long time before I'd believe that a long distance guy wasn't still trying to see other women. You should date whoever you want, because even if we take him at his word, that could just hold until he gets a shot at another woman.

[chillii]

Never get all this other people stuff all over the net. ln my part of the world if she was so airy fairy or we're so low on the ladder we can't even focus on each other,we're wasting our time anyway.

Never ever had this so called talk thing either , don't get it, it's a given unless we part company.

Anyway, no time thing op , you should be just falling for each other more and more and very obviously if it's got it, he should be saying stuff soon for sure.

[d0nnivain]

He's made it clear that he wants to be with me and doesn't want to date other women. Because he wants to give us a chance and see where we're going. I don't actually want to date other men but I believe I should be able to until he wants to make it official.

 

If he is not dating other woman & only wants to be with you, what else do you need to consider yourselves "official"? Do you need the label? Is he freaked out by the label? Try judging the man's actions not his words. A word / label isn't going to make him more faithful.

 

How about some new term, like . . .exclusively seeing each other?

[Whodatdog]

Talk is cheap. If he wants you exclusively, he needs to make some moves to make it so. Seeing him a few times isnt spending a lot of time together. You've only met 3 times. Consider it still dating; in other words, not exclusive, until he makes it differently. Just saying he wants exclusivity doesnt make it so.

[Nnam]

Relationships are flexible and can be moulded into whatever we are comfortable with, it's fine to want to explore other options especially when proximity is strained.

[Caauug]

if he is not dating other woman & only wants to be with you, what else do you need to consider yourselves "official"? Do you need the label? Is he freaked out by the label? Try judging the man's actions not his words. A word / label isn't going to make him more faithful.

 

How about some new term, like . . .exclusively seeing each other?

 

 

 

100% this!!!!