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Do i give this a shot or let it go


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 2nd March 2019, 7:41 PM   #1
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Do i give this a shot or let it go

So the backstory is: -- I met this man while vacationing about 8 years ago.. we had one incredible night together (and yes sleep together ) and the next day he wanted to see me again (but i had to leave) and we stayed in touch talking a lot for weeks/months but never had a 'relationship' -- as i was in the process of a messy on-again off/again thing. Eventually,i told him i needed to focus on my current boyfriend.

Fast forward 3 years, he texts me one night drunk and says 'i wish you were my girlfriend'..out of the blue.. so random -- i get in touch with him and we talk on the phone, same chemistry.. but he tells me hes in a relationship, he sounds frustrated and wants to see me, but we both decide its not fair to her. End of contact.

Fast forward another 5 years (9 years in total since first and only meeting) -- I get in contact with him on social media and he is excited to talk to me and tells me i look incredible/better than ever.. and is all flirty. He says he is in a new city and single. Im single too. Im excited as im thinking, maybe this is it, we can have a romance or relationship. Projecting my desires for this on him im sure, and thinking he felt the same. Then i start noticing that i am far more eager than him, hes not messaging me first .. ever. IM doing all the messaging -- he tells me hes not a big texter and never has been, but when he does make an effort tells me things like im the hottest woman hes ever laid eyes on, thinks about me all the time and laughs constantly at my jokes... So i dont get it. Why does he then not even message me for a couple of days and then only one line to tell me hes off busy doing something (ie, with friends, have guests, out on boat etc etc).

I invite him to come see me in a city that i need to visit for business in a couple of weeks, and he accepts (which is a long flight for him but he is willing to book ticket immediately). Im thinking ok, so he'll talk more now as we have trip planned --- But no, hes still distant / quiet and just generally not reaching out/ messaging/ calling or making an effort to talk to me and find out where i am in life now -- Yet hes taking the time to fly across the world to see me, also to a city he doesn't like particularly.. I dont get it?

At this point, after feeling like im constantly bothering him, im ready to just cancel the trip and put it down to me having some fantasy about this guy being my perfect man when in actual fact hes 'just not that into me' ? -- I dont know what to do. Trip is in 2 weeks and at this point, i think i'll feel like an expensive booty call if he comes to town and we have sex then go back to this level of communication (or lack thereof). Again, we arn't in a relationship .. he doesn't talk to me enough for it to be that lol

I'd like to bring up this issue but hes too 'unavailable' (emotionally and physically) for it to not sound needy. -- Maybe cut and run? and grieve what must have been a fantasy? It is hard because i always thought about him over the years and wished we'd had the right timing as when we were together, it was amazing.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:14 PM   #2
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You need to stop having expectations and just see what this guy will do when it's left up to his own steam, rather than nagging him about it. Dating is to see what they're like, because yes, you can ramrod them a little in the beginning, but it's not going to hold. Find out who he is. That's what you're doing now. So far, he's annoying, right?
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:20 PM   #3
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You need to stop having expectations and just see what this guy will do when it's left up to his own steam, rather than nagging him about it. Dating is to see what they're like, because yes, you can ramrod them a little in the beginning, but it's not going to hold. Find out who he is. That's what you're doing now. So far, he's annoying, right?
lol yep pretty much... well, the lack of contact/ enthusiasm is.

The question is do i still bother to see him in two weeks.. i think i feel like hes coming for sex.. and im sure i set that expectation by having sex with him the day we met 8 years ago. I definitely do not want to be used for that in two weeks -- So i should be best to cancel him coming?
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Old 3rd March 2019, 12:53 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by beentheredonethat77 View Post
Trip is in 2 weeks and at this point, i think i'll feel like an expensive booty call if he comes to town and we have sex then go back to this level of communication (or lack thereof)
You'd be amazed at how far some men are willing to go just to get laid. I've seen it myself.


The answer is, there ARE no limits for some.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:07 PM   #5
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If you want to see him go ahead and keep the plans. As preraph said, keep your expectations in check.

If you are too anxious about this and would be really upset if it doesn't work out beyond another hook up, then cancel.

Texting isn't a great platform for re-acquainting yourselves, so maybe he's just waiting to do it face to face. I probably would as well. If he's not a big texter then there's not a lot to text about at this point until you get to know each other again.

Also, even though you have shared good chemistry, you're still basically strangers. I would be more worried if he was all over you (metaphorically) at this point.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 6:23 PM   #6
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Let him go. I feel your frustration as I have experienced this as well. I met the guy online and did everything in my power to keep the relationship alive. Became a complete waste of time (I dated long distance for 6 months). I was the one planning the trips, reaching out to him etc etc. Eventually he dumped me saying he wasn't ready. I met someone half a year later who I am super happy w/ (yes he lives in my city).

Go on your trip and don't think about him. These "relationships" rarely if ever work, more of a fantasy then a reality esp since he isn't putting in effort. Btw when a person flatters you so much, they more then likely just want sex. If he truly liked you he would have made an effort to do more things to meet you.
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Old 4th March 2019, 8:15 AM   #7
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Go with your gut on this one. If he really did want to get to know you for a relationship, he'd start doing it now, long-distance before you meet up again. Another thought I had was- how do you know for sure he isn't already in a relationship (despite him saying he's not)? That might explain his willingness to travel and non-committal attitude. Even if he's not with someone, his level of communication would be a turn off for me.
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Old 4th March 2019, 2:25 PM   #8
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Go with your gut on this one. If he really did want to get to know you for a relationship, he'd start doing it now, long-distance before you meet up again. Another thought I had was- how do you know for sure he isn't already in a relationship (despite him saying he's not)? That might explain his willingness to travel and non-committal attitude. Even if he's not with someone, his level of communication would be a turn off for me.
I agree with all this 100%.. Thanks a lot for posting -- it really sums up what im thinking.
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:54 AM   #9
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Why would you cancel your trip? I thought you had to go for business... or was that just an excuse you used with him?


Anyway, I'd be honest with him and say: since there's very little contact between us, I'd find it weird to meet up with you now and so briefly. So it's better we don't meet at all. Good luck.


Then see what he does. [And by all means: don't have sex with him!]
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:15 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by beentheredonethat77 View Post
lol yep pretty much... well, the lack of contact/ enthusiasm is.

The question is do i still bother to see him in two weeks.. i think i feel like hes coming for sex.. and im sure i set that expectation by having sex with him the day we met 8 years ago. I definitely do not want to be used for that in two weeks -- So i should be best to cancel him coming?
So are you saying you wouldn't want sex and would have it with him because he wants it; therefore feeling used? If this is the case absolutely do not go.
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