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Long distance relationship with a guy with severe depression


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 20th February 2019, 5:53 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by renrewanim View Post
I wish I didn't love my bf either
In time, it will wear you down and you will stop loving him. Thing is, as you get worn down, you will also become depressed, exhausted and exasperated. It's a really horrible place to be.

Don't ever accept as a partner somebody who is aware of their issues but won't address them.
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Old 20th February 2019, 11:46 PM   #17
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basil67,

Me and him are having a discussion tonight or tomorrow. I'll update you.
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Old 20th February 2019, 11:56 PM   #18
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Hi BaileyB,

Thank you for your reply.

Lately I have been asking myself if what he's been dealing with is really depression a little bit actually. I mean I know it's depression but I don't know if it's really as bad as it seems, can be really easy to make it better.
As everyone mentioned, people with such severe depression cannot just get over it that easily when with those loved ones, I have been told that so many time over the years, so I know that.

His family are not a good one, they're poor, his step brother who is 43 is still home (working though) and he lives in the living room, and when anyone goes downstairs in the middle of the night, he'll get pissed off and shout at them. Hes a terrible man from what I heard from my bf. He never talks to his step brother, don't even make eye contact with him. His parents could kick him out, well I wish they did, but then he'd have nowhere to go. Which we couldn't care less about though.
Ands town doesn't have anywhere he could hang out, (I know this because I went there and stayed there for over 40 days last year)
He's got a lot of different OCD, which he cares a lot less about when with me.

I think it's the people around him and the environment he's in that's making him how he is.

That's why I believe that when we live together, things will be better, of course there'll be days he is down. But if there ever was a moment I thought I couldn't stand living with him anymore, we'll find another solution or a separate way.

Now, all I can do is to wish for the best when we live together, hope that things will be better, if they don't, okay. I'd have wasted so many years of my life, but who knows, he might actually get better (even if not fully)

And about the thing you questioned at the end. What do you mean exactly? You don't mean like there's no ldr that can work out fine, do you? Because there are many that have worked fine just as fine as normal domestic relationships.

Last edited by renrewanim; 21st February 2019 at 12:01 AM..
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Old 21st February 2019, 12:36 AM   #19
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He's got a lot of different OCD, which he cares a lot less about when with me.

I think it's the people around him and the environment he's in that's making him how he is.

That's why I believe that when we live together, things will be better, of course there'll be days he is down. But if there ever was a moment I thought I couldn't stand living with him anymore, we'll find another solution or a separate way.

Now, all I can do is to wish for the best when we live together, hope that things will be better, if they don't, okay. I'd have wasted so many years of my life, but who knows, he might actually get better (even if not fully)

And about the thing you questioned at the end. What do you mean exactly? You don't mean like there's no ldr that can work out fine, do you? Because there are many that have worked fine just as fine as normal domestic relationships.
With respect, you don’t move in with someone or marry someone “hoping” that things get better. That’s not a wise thing for anyone to do, which is why we are telling you - don’t waste years of your life on a man who has enough problems to sink even the most buoyant of ships.

Sure, environment plays a factor. But, what you have is the female equivalent of “the white knight syndrome...” What you are basically saying is, this guy has a world of problems, but they will all be better when we move in together.

Wrong. We are telling you, his problems will not get better. It will be worse.

I remember my class when I was learning how to be a lifeguard. They taught very specific ways to approach a drowning swimmer, because if you don’t approach them carefully, they will take you down with them in an attempt to save their own life.

This guy is drowning. You think you can “save” him, but he will take you down with him. Trust us.

As to your last question. Sure, long distance relationships can work. But, not without two emotionally healthy partners, who are able to support themselves emotionally and financially, and are committed to doing the hard work required to make the relationship work.

You don’t have ANY of those things. Which means, this is not going to work out the way you would like it to work out.

If you don’t mind my asking, how old are you and where are your parents in all of this? Are they aware of the fact that you are dreaming of a future with a mentally ill, suicidal, unemployed, and essentially homeless man who lives in another country?
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:38 AM   #20
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BailayB,

We are going to talk about our relationship tonight or tomorrow, and I'll ask him what he wants to do and also more importantly, what he is going to do. If he doesn't show any signs of him trying to help himself, I think I'll threaten him saying how I'll leave him if he doesn't do **** about his depression, and if it looks like he's still not willing to do anything about it, I will leave him.
I still believe in him that he wants to stay with me more than anything, at all costs. So if he really really wants to, he will do what he should do.

And my parents know that he has depression. And my mum knows to some extent that it's really bad. But not fully. They know he'd never worked before, but I've told them he's got a job now. My mum is really understanding of our relationship, even when I was telling her he still didn't have a job, she already regarded him as her son. She knows we want to marry and respects us.

When my bf met all of my family members last July when he came to Japan, I think to my family he looked fine, cause that's how depressed people look you know, they can sometimes pretend to be all fine. And at the time, he actually was all fine. So my family don't know exactly how bad his depression is.

Last edited by renrewanim; 21st February 2019 at 1:58 AM..
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Old 22nd February 2019, 1:31 AM   #21
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Guys this might not be what you all wanted to hear but I've decided to stay with him for now. But I also decided if he keeps not doing anything, I have to make up my mind to leave him.

We talked about our relationship last night, and I, for the first time ever since we met, told him that if there is someone that can make me happier than he does, I'll break up with him and date that guy. Which must've been the most terrifying thing he's ever heard from me, because what he's afraid of the most is me leaving him. I love him. I love him more than anyone but if he can't make me happy, I will leave him.

So he said he'd try to do more things that have been hard for him to do, like taking a shower more often, brushing his teeth more often, helping around the house and stuff, all of which he can't easily do. And if he can do those, it'll assure me that I can have faith in him again.
And after that he can get a job.

Before he moved to his current city, his depression was a lot better, he'd hang out with his friends often, talk to people no problem and stuff. But ever since he's moved, everything's changed for the worse. So that gives me hope that he can be better again when he lives with me, I know you guys probably think I'm a stupid young girl. But it doesn't matter to me what you guys think of me. What matters is that I love him and I wanna stay with him. But in order for me to keep wanting to stay with him, he has to try more. I told him.

Thanks for all your help guys.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:35 AM   #22
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Well, the good news is that you are not talking about moving to the states to be with him... living with a man when you have to remind him to brush his teeth is going to get old, really fast.

This man needs a doctor and a counsellor. But, the sad reality is that if he is unemployed and living in the US, he may not have access to either.

Good luck to you.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:38 AM   #23
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You have made your choice. IMO it's a bad one but it's still your choice.

A dated a severely depressed bi-polar man who was habitually under employed. He sort of moved in with me. . . it was gradual & I didn't protest until I realized OMG he lives here. Then I felt stuck. He was a great house husband. If I left money he'd go grocery shopping, pick up my dry cleaning, etc. A hot gourmet meal was on the table every night when I got home from work. The house was spotless. He took the dog for long walks. In that sense he contributed but his car got repossessed. He never had money.

Then he'd snap & have these crying ranting jags. One night he put a knife to his throat & threatened suicide. The next morning I made him having a job, any job, even minimum wage, & going on meds conditions of us staying together. He got a P/T job at a local grocery store. He walked to work & I picked him up at night. He made minimum wage but had health insurance & he took his meds.

Things were OK until I found out he lied to me. I knew he was separated when we got together. He told me the divorce went through but it didn't. I couldn't abide that lie. I would have been just fine if he said it got adjourned again but for him to lie, that was the final straw. I kicked him out. I had to pay his $500 moving expenses because he couldn't get it together enough to do that.

About 2 years later he killed himself. His suicide was horrible. He had a son. The son was devastated but mature beyond his years; he knew dad had problems.

My point to you, is your love won't save this guy. So learn from my experience & save yourself.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:42 AM   #24
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This man needs a doctor and a counsellor. But, the sad reality is that if he is unemployed and living in the US, he may not have access to either.
If he's living in the US he can get charity care & Medicaid. It's not great care but it is care.

If he's in the US & as debilitated as he claims he can apply for Social Security Disability Benefits. Problem is he's not medically depressed enough to qualify. He's just lazy. Plus the depression is a vicious downward cycle where you dot' do anything so you get more depressed where if he took some action to help himself . .. anything even flipping burgers . .. that would be improvement & he could get through this but it's easier to whine, sponge off his mom & play on renrewanim's sympathies.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:46 AM   #25
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BayleyB,

Well, I have considered it, movibg to the states. But as someone who hated the country all the way until I met him, I can't just easily decide to live there just because I wanna be with him. I don't hate the us anymore, but I don't like it still either. So I'm planning to live with in Japan for the first few years (if things work out), and move to Europe (again, if things work out).
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:49 AM   #26
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Do you understand that this guy does not have the skill set or the EQ to live anywhere other than good 'ole USofA where his mommy will coddle him?
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:49 AM   #27
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d0nnivain

Yeah I have thought that he's just lazy too. I don't know why I haven't left him, and not going to either but that's what I've decided.
Also thanks for sharing your experience, it must've been hard for you, and I can see why you want me to break up with him. But that's not going to happen. For now anyways. Even if my love couldn't save him, I know that it can help him somewhat. Because it has.

Thanks again for your help.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:54 AM   #28
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d0nnivain

Yeah I do, but that's for now, and now that he's actually trying to do more things, (just started to so don't know how long it'll last) I can't say for sure that he will never be in the state of mind that is healthy enough for him to move out of the us. If you think you already know he won't be able to, that's your opinion from your experience. But I don't know yet, because I don't have any experience like that in the past and everyone is different. 2 people having the same cancer, the same stage. One can survive while the other can't.

Last edited by renrewanim; 22nd February 2019 at 9:58 AM..
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Old 22nd February 2019, 10:00 AM   #29
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How is this guy going to get a Visa to live in Japan or the UK? He's an American without a college education, no skill set and no job. How does he think he's going to be able to go ANYWHERE in the world and attain employment and proper work Visa's like that?

Have either of you given that aspect any thought? Because you can't just go and say "oh hey, I'm moving to X country" and just do it. There are legal processes to go through.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 10:04 AM   #30
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You are getting something out of this. Maybe you have a savior complex. I know I can have one. Maybe you like the warmth of knowing he is there. Sadly you don't really know that; he could be lying to you playing on your sympathy & having a life with a local GF while stringing you along. Maybe you are hiding from something in your own life. Heck, LS is an escape for me.

Whatever it is, for now you have decided it's enough. As long as you are happy, who I am to critique how you come by that peace of mind? Just be careful. You are right that different people can have different outcomes but trust me after a life time of experience, my crystal ball is a little more accurate then yours.

Best wishes.
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