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Feeling rejected after 7+ years. She won't visit me.

Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 30th January 2019, 11:51 PM   #1
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Feeling rejected after 7+ years. She won't visit me.

Hi all!

I need your advice!

So I've been in a long distance relationship for more than 7 years now, my girlfriend's home town is the one that I live in and we also met here
and at first our relationship was not a long distance one. We were in high school when we met, but we wouldn't start a serious relationship untill 2011-2012 (I finished high school in 2008).
Now I am 29 years old and she is 26, she lives 230 km away because she moved there for university and now she works there. For most of the time she was visiting me every other week, while I have only visited her a couple of times, she never really invited me for more than that. I admit that there were several times when I just wanted a "me time" to vent about the tons of money I won and lost (and missed because of selling too early) during the bitcoin bubble (we are talking about hundreds of thousands, even millions on some occasions) because I was really depressed, so I just asked her to skip a week and she never really seemed to have a problem with that and never insisted on coming here. Were she to insist ofc I would have taken her.

I am long ago ready for our relationship to move forward, I have been hinting on moving together (even about marriage), tho I have stopped for the last year because it doesn't look like she is ready and she never mentions it. I really hate the city she lives in but I can move there and I work remotely so we don't even have to live together full time, as I can spend some of my time here at my home.
I'm fine with that.. so far.

Here is where the problems start. For the last few months (5-6) she only visits like once a month, may be even less. For some of it she has good excuse, like being send abroad from her job for a week or two now and then.
She is saying she will change apartments because she doesn't like her roomate and she will have a place for herself only, hopefully she will invite me there.
I have never really insisted on anything from her until recently. It all started with she saying how some boys are trying to seduce her few weeks ago, and I have to mention I trust her fully,
I know she won't cheat, but this got me thinking "if they knew you had a boyfriend then they would probably won't be so annoying" so I did some sort of a joke to change her

facebook status to "in a relationship". Well I was half serious because I would love some act of commitment from her side, which I feel was/is kind of always lacking.
To my surprise, she firmly said no and she said that that was stupid and it's just a facebook status and only people that want to show-off with their relationships do that. I felt rejected, imo as a boyfriend of 7+ years I have the right to ask her for such a thing but she wouldn't even consider it. I just wanted her to agree and I would have said she doesn't have to do it. I told her that and how I feel and she says I make too much drama...

Moving forward a week or two after that, I still feel rejected and lonely, she hasn't come for more than 4 weeks, and she only came on new year's eve because she didn't want to be alone, I asked her will she come this weekend and she said no. I think it is relevant to mention that last weekend she was out with her colleagues (that she claims she doesn't like) going on bars, dinners , disco and such. The week before that I thought she would be moving from her place and thats the excuse she has (i was wrong, apartment still isn't ready)

Both times I said nothing. But now that I feel rejected and neglected, I asked her why she won't come this weekend and she said she doesn't want to travel... wtf.. (i live by myself so there isn't anyone that she might be annoyed by), so I decided to "excercise my boyfriend rights" and asked her nicely "please come" I also tried inviting myself to her place. Shortly after we had a really nice (and a little dirty) talk and everything was nice, so I assumed I have changed her mind. I was happy. This was the day before yesterday.

Today I decided to confirm and asked her again about her plans... and she said she is not coming, (I don't think she is cheating) and this made me mad, I asked her when she plans on coming and the conversation was something like: "soon I hope" "what is soon?" "couple of weeks"..
I told her that I think as a boyfriend I have the right to ask for such a thing and that lately I feel rejected and that I don't feel loved and she said that I overreact and I make drama and try to manipulate her to feel guilty. Last couple of days she responds with that to almost everything I say when I express my feelings.

If anything I don't think other guys would have had as half as much patience/self-control/non-jealousness as I do and would have freaked out long ago, years maybe. I could be wrong.

I have never asked her for anything like that before these last few weeks and I think I'm not asking for much. I think these are things that are okay to ask for from your SO.
But I only have my opinion so I'm ready to listen to what others might say about that. Am I doing something wrong? What should I do? What should I say?
I really love her so I'd prefer to somehow fix this, I don't want to look for another girlfriend, but I cannot stand to be rejected like that and I don't want to waste my time for a relationship that will never evolve, I am getting 30 this year! Please help!
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Old 31st January 2019, 11:10 AM   #2
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How do I delete this? I posted my thread in another forum and got the responses that I needed. Please delete this
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Old 31st January 2019, 11:50 AM   #3
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Look, she's not committed, and you can't make her be committed. Moving there won't make her be committed. She's fine with having a long distance boyfriend and carrying on her social life. You should just get it out in the open and tell her you feel she's not committed and that you both need to stop pretending to be committed and just see each other with that understanding, and then you date other women. If she doesn't want you to see other women, she can commit and make some changes. My guess is she doesn't want commitment.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
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Old 9th February 2019, 1:16 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by long_distance_runner View Post
I posted my thread in another forum and got the responses that I needed.
I'm glad you got the responses you were looking for. What were they?

Why aren't you going there and getting yourself a hotel room, arranging a night just the two of you, something romantic? Who pays for the expenses to go back & forth when she comes to you? Is it always on her?

Have you ever done anything crazy for her like: I'm coming to pick you up at 12 pm and take you to my place etc?
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Old 23rd February 2019, 1:18 PM   #5
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this is really some big issue
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