Long Distance Relationship

[shellybing]

We haven't met yet.

We talk almost every day, unless otherwise noted.

(for example if there is going to be a time or place he is at where he is out of cell service or no wifi or something)

 

We are planning to meet and have even considered getting married, and have both been staying chaste during this online phase (until we can meet)

 

He has not contacted me for 2 days now.

 

We had an argument and discussed the problem, and I thought it was better, but now he hasn't contacted me for 2 days, and I have sent a couple of messages wondering.

 

What do you think? I am already starting to be ready to move on from this (it has been a 6 month long ordeal chatting and talking, and calling)

 

and 3 times he has said to me (when it has been difficult to find the time or money for things that we are planning) that "we can just stop this right now."

 

The first 2 times it wasnt serious because we were not so serious so I just blew it off. Now it is serious. We are supposed to meet in 2 or 3 months now, and hoping to just move in together if we are doing well and everything is the same in person as it is online.

 

I don't know what to do.

[central]

It seems irrational to discuss marriage with someone you haven't met (well, it isn't the 19th century anymore, and arranged marriages only occur in some cultures). If you do so, there's a huge risk, because you truly know nothing real about the person. They could be abusers, yet have a lovely online presence. You don't know.

 

Anyway, why aren't you both looking to meet someone local, where you can actually get to know them and learn if they are honorable, trustworthy, and kind? LDR may work if you can meet frequently, and spend enough time to get to know each other - and that would be much longer than it takes with someone whom you can see regularly because they live nearby.

[d0nnivain]

Re-align your thinking. This is nothing until you meet in person. Talking about marriage with somebody you haven't met is asking to get your heart broken. If he is so petty that he won't communicate when all you have is talk, then don't waste the money or time meeting.

[shellybing]

They all want to marry me hahahah No joke, 3rd proposal since I got divorced.

 

My life is beginning to look like that movie run-away bride.

hahah

 

It's not an arranged marriage per say.

I am sure, that if everything goes right in person we want to move in together pretty quick so that we can be together, and he feels the same way.

 

It's not a redundant topic to talk about, if you are in it for love and not for religious reasons. I find that declaring your love for someone is sweet and caring.

 

Other than his not contacting me for a couple of days now, I am not sure if I should be worried about him, or if I should be angry. I do know I am beginning to feel that I want to shut it down. He has a difficult job.

 

I have looked for someone local. I am not really into these guys around here, I can't seem to find a good one anywhere that doesn't just want a booty call. I tried dating. I gave up on it a while ago, i met this guy on a blog page that is a common interest and we talk almost every day. He seems to be everything I am looking for in a guy, and we want to meet for sure. Marriage is just all in talks, but moving in seems like a good deal if our meeting goes well. He is planning on visiting for a little while, not just a day or a week, a couple of months. So, I think that if all goes well moving in wouldnt be a bad idea.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You are living a fantasy and this guy isn't worth the effort of a LDR. Marriage shouldn't even be an option for you because you don't even know who he is. I met a guy online and threw all my effort into making the relationship last. The relationship only lasted because I pushed to meet up. After that experience I can tell you, its not worth it. He barely made any effort, forgot vid chat dates and barely texted me (he was never busy and was always active on social media).

 

Take this 2 day silence as a wake up call and move on. I really wanted the LDR to work, but he dumped me (I'm so glad he did). Now I am much happier w/a man who lives close by and works w/me on our relationship. Plus if he really wanted to meet you, he would (unless he is under 18). Had I not gone to visit the guy 1st, I would saved a little time and money on the LDR.

[d0nnivain]

Going from an LDR to living together is a recipe for disaster. You need to be closer together & function as a couple conventionally, fitting in all the boring stuff like laundry, jobs, grocery shopping, & bad moos before you cohabitate. When you are in an LDR & do get to see each other it's like a vacation / a fantasy & you have no idea what the mundane stuff looks like.

 

I'm encouraged by the idea that he will spend months by you but that may not be enough.

 

In your shoes, after about a week of him not responding I'd be furious. If you are genuinely concerned for his safety you can try asking the local police for a wellness check but they will probably not do it absent more then him not calling you.

[manfrombelow2]

1/ You don't "considered getting married" over someone you HAVE NOT EVEN MET ONCE. That's just WRONG.

 

We haven't met yet.

 

We are planning to meet and have even considered getting married,

He has not contacted me for 2 days now.

 

2/ I am not him, and I am not you. So I cannot know the entire story, and I cannot know what is in his and/or your mind.

 

But, I do know two things given your specific situation:

 

a) Too much drama will kill any relationship.

b) You don't chase someone who is purposely backing away from you.

 

We had an argument and discussed the problem, and I thought it was better, but now he hasn't contacted me for 2 days, and I have sent a couple of messages wondering.

 

3/ Like I said just now:

 

"You don't chase someone who is purposely backing away from you."

 

What do you think?

I don't know what to do.

[Hopefulromantic23]

I am in a long distance relationship right now and after we first met we knew we were going to be serious. I think I know where your coming from its not that you want to get married right away but you need for the potential to be there so you know you’re not wasting your time. I get it.

 

As for people who say he could be an abuser etc just because you havent met yet.. don’t realize the exact same thing can happen with a close distance relationship. Anyone anywhere can paint themselves the way they want you to see them. In any kind of relationship you need to be very careful. Protect your heart but remain hopeful if the chemistry is still there after you meet take baby steps.

 

Meet a couple times, establish a visiting routine see how it goes. If either of you decide to move to the other make sure you have your own place first. Don’t move straight in. You need to ease into it make sure its going to work and let things start working organically from there.

[RecentChange]

This is all fantasy.

 

And if you are encountering multiple men who are proposing without meeting you - well you are simply getting way too deep with these online fantasies. You can control how out of hand you choose to let things get.

 

My advice? If you can’t meet within 1 month, just end it. The rest is just a time waste. It’s way too easy to be someone their are not online etc.

 

I mean look - at one point you were talking about living together and marriage, and yet the same man is ghosting you. To me that means you really didn’t know him at all, and he has gotten bored with the fantasy.

[Wallysbears]

Please don't give ANY money to ANY of these suitors who want to "marry you" simply based off online conversations.

 

Meet people in real life first before talking love and marriage.

[basil67]

and 3 times he has said to me (when it has been difficult to find the time or money for things that we are planning) that "we can just stop this right now."

 

Tell me more about this.

 

One one hand, if a long distance couple can't find money or time to spend together, it's fair to walk away. On the other hand, I'm worried that the financial side is all on you and/or he's scamming you.

 

Who will be doing the travelling, and who will be paying for it?

[Mrs._December]

...and have both been staying chaste during this online phase (until we can meet)

Highly doubtful he's been staying chaste. Highly, highly doubtful. The chances are pretty good that he's either married, committed to someone else, and if not, it's likely he's going out having his fun after he's done talking to you.

 

People can pretend to be anyone they want to be on the internet. They can pretend to be living any life they want toportray on the internet. They can pretend to be as chaste as the new fallen snow - that doesn't make it true.

 

The first 2 times it wasnt serious because we were not so serious so I just blew it off. Now it is serious.

No, it's not 'serious.' You've never met the guy and until you actually DO meet him, it's all a fantasy - and very likely, so are his promises of coming to visit you for 2 months and starting a life together.

 

I can't believe this online fantasy guy is the best you've been able to find. I mean, really? You commented about how everyone wants to marry you and how you've gotten 3 marriage proposals but then you go on to say that you "can't seem to find a good one anywhere that doesn't just want a booty call," so I'm confused - is it marriage or a booty call they want?

 

We are supposed to meet in 2 or 3 months now, and hoping to just move in together if we are doing well and everything is the same in person as it is online.

My prediction: if this guy suddenly appears again out of nowhere after his very sudden and suspicious 2-day disappearance and you continue this fantasy with him, I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll never meet him in person. He'll either start giving you lame excuses for why he can't come to visit you 2-3 months from now (either lack of money, job restrictions, death in the family, broken leg, family member needs him, blah blah blah), or he'll simply once again do his disappearance routine on you.

 

He's likely REALLY a bored husband/boyfriend who's enjoying the fantasy of an online romance with you, or he's just another guy who probably lives in his mother's basement and he has NO intention of ever giving up that sweet deal.

 

Don't waste another day of your life on this pie in the sky 'romance.'

Edited January 24, 2019 by Mrs._December

[Cersei]

Have you ever had a Skype or video chat with this guy?

[justwhoiam]

He has not contacted me for 2 days now.

 

We had an argument and discussed the problem, and I thought it was better, but now he hasn't contacted me for 2 days

What was the argument about?

 

I have sent a couple of messages wondering.

You might be coming across as needy. And that might push him away even more.

 

 

What do you think?

As others already said, you let the fantasy fly too high. How old are you both?

 

 

 

I am already starting to be ready to move on from this (it has been a 6 month long ordeal chatting and talking, and calling

1. If you are ready, why don't you move on then?

2. You called it an ordeal after only 6 months? Then what would you call it after 7+ years?

 

 

3 times he has said to me (when it has been difficult to find the time or money for things that we are planning) that "we can just stop this right now."

You should have had the courage to stop, as he didn't have the courage to, at least before your last argument. Maybe that gave him the strength to just move on without looking back.

 

I don't know what to do.

I think you don't have to do anything. Consider it like a miscarriage that happened for a reason.

 

It's not an arranged marriage per say.

It's "per se".

 

I find that declaring your love for someone is sweet and caring.

It builds expectations when a man says that to a woman. If it's meant as friends, then I would agree. If there's any sexual interest, then I wouldn't define it as sweet and caring. Other parameters should be measured before coming to that conclusion, and here the conditions seem to be missing. Especially considering he offered to cut you off his life 3 times. And there's no way for you to justify him finding excuses, or trying to minimize the value of his statements.

 

 

 

Other than his not contacting me for a couple of days now

And that is nothing? I mean, at least the decency of telling you "I won't be around for a while", or "I want some time to myself for a few days/weeks/months" or something. What kind of man do you really want?

 

 

 

I am not sure if I should be worried about him, or if I should be angry.

You're entitled to feel any way you might feel. I'd feel let down. Also, not knowing what the argument was about, it's hard to talk about how I might feel about it.

 

 

 

He has a difficult job.

And would you be able to endure that long-term?

 

I have looked for someone local.

Does that mean you're still looking locally? Also, how have you been looking? Where?

 

 

 

we want to meet for sure

Why are you lying to yourself? He had doubts for sure. Because he was kind of forward about it, by suggesting to "stop this right now", where "this" is the LDR.

 

 

 

moving in seems like a good deal if our meeting goes well

No. I disagree with you.