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Having doubts on my long distance relationship


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 30th December 2018, 11:37 AM   #1
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Having doubts on my long distance relationship

I need help in dealing with this issue with my girlfriend. We started off as long distance friends. I lived in America and she lived in the Philippines. Eventually, i admitted i liked her and she admitted she liked me too. I told her i was scared of commitment and she also admitted the same. We decided it was best to get to know one another before getting serious. When i admitted i was ready to commit, she also admitted it. I asked her out and she agreed. We did voice calls, video calls, sent pictures, etc. Despite this, i felt uneasy about her. I felt like she was cheating, not being honest, etc. I asked her if she had crushes on other guys and she said "no." I set boundaries like no cheating, no lying, etc. and she seemed hesitant to accept them. She said "hmm i don't know. I don't think i need those rules..." I became more assertive and told her that's what she had to accept if she wanted to be with me. She agreed and said she didn't do those things. She said we were almost the same and agreed on many things. She did admit her flaw was constantly seeking approval from others at her own expense. I noticed that about her because she'd apologize for many things like being busy. I also asked her if there was anything she was ok and not ok with me doing. She said she didn't know, but it depended on the situation. I realized perhaps the reason i had those feelings was because i was insecure. I dealt with my insecurities in a healthy way and the feelings went away for the most part.

We talked about a future together. I told her our plan was for me to live with her in the Philippines one day and she said she was willing to make it work. I met her family and they wanted me to visit them. I told her i didn't know how i was going to make it work but she helped me. She then told me she was busy and didn't talk to me completely for days. I started getting anxious and doubtful. I saw her talking to other people more than me. This morning, she shared this note on social media.

"When you search for someone who will love you, you trusted the wrong person. You became a fool, because you thought he was. You have never thought of the consequences of your feelings. For You, you are happy with him because you are thinking about the scene far away in the morning! You gave up the person who truly loves you, because you think you love the new one and you are happy. But you don't know that your new one is not true! If you love! Don't think about the far morning. Love the person who is there for you..."

I asked her what she meant and she hasn't replied. What do you think about our relationship? Do you think it's ending? Do you think i'm just being paranoid and anxious? What should i do?
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Old 30th December 2018, 4:25 PM   #2
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With all due respect Andrew, it's not a serious relationship if you have never met each other in person.

An individual can pretend to be anyone, when you communicate primarily through email, video calls, social media, pictures, etc... It's very difficult to know the truth about that person, and its almost impossible to develop a relationship without spending time together, in real life.

It would be VERY unwise to trust anyone or even think about planning a future who someone who you have never met or spent a significant amount of time getting to know in person. It would be very unwise, given that this woman is from another country.

I would suggest that you protect yourself and end this relationship. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not what you want to hear. Please do be very careful, if you chose to stay in contact with this woman.
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Old 30th December 2018, 7:45 PM   #3
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With all due respect Andrew, it's not a serious relationship if you have never met each other in person.

An individual can pretend to be anyone, when you communicate primarily through email, video calls, social media, pictures, etc... It's very difficult to know the truth about that person, and its almost impossible to develop a relationship without spending time together, in real life.

It would be VERY unwise to trust anyone or even think about planning a future who someone who you have never met or spent a significant amount of time getting to know in person. It would be very unwise, given that this woman is from another country.

I would suggest that you protect yourself and end this relationship. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not what you want to hear. Please do be very careful, if you chose to stay in contact with this woman.
I've done this type of thing before and trust me when I say these kinds of "relationships" are not worth your time. This is especially true if she doesn't even want to respect your boundaries. LDR are hard, especially if you haven't met or meet up very few times. I wasted 6 months on a guy I met online, I did meet him in person several times. I painted him out to be someone he wasn't, more of a fantasy then anything. There are many local women to date and that'll be much better then some vague woman online.
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Old 30th December 2018, 8:19 PM   #4
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It doesn’t appear like there was a relationship there to begin with. LTR are not healthy at all. Can’t blame that girl for paying attention to what’s in font of her. Be true and real with yourself as she is. Find someone you can touch and form a bond with. Let this go. It’s not real.
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Old 30th December 2018, 8:23 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by I'veseenbetterlol View Post
This is especially true if she doesn't even want to respect your boundaries.
Why should she though? If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you haven't even met this woman. As such, you have no right to set boundaries to ask her to commit to you and not to see other people. You are not actually in a relationship with this woman, you never see her in person.

The fact that you communicate online fosters the feeling of intimacy, the feeling that you actually know this woman. But, you don't know her. She could be dating/having sex with a different man every night, and you would never know... Maybe, she is video calling with another man from the US, you have no way to know...

The fact that she was hesitant and told you that she didn't need these rules (basic things like no lying or cheating that are pretty much a given in most relationships) should tell you everything you need to know...

She is waving a huge red flag - the question becomes, do you see it?
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Old 30th December 2018, 10:17 PM   #6
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If it's true you never even met then you need to accept the truth.

The whole thing is a facade, an illusion, a lie.

There's nothing here.

It's not REAL.
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Old 30th December 2018, 11:44 PM   #7
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I’m gathering you have never met her in person. Is that correct?

How did you initially “meet”?
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Old 31st December 2018, 1:27 AM   #8
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I'm going to assume you met her because you said you met her family.

However, from reading her weird message, I derived that she is focused on a guy who is local to her. And that if she truly loved him, she didn't love the new guy (you). She was distracting herself with the possibility of a far off future with you, but realizes that she should be more sensible in rekindling things with dude in front of her. The man who can provide for her now is the one where the love is true.

Maybe she is all bent out of shape in her mind that you haven't yet moved to her, or whatever. Honestly, though? I think you need to let this one go. Have you ever seen the show 90 day fiance? A lot of times there is a cultural clash in expectations and people are clearly being used for VISA purposes or relationships are artificially rushed for financial security.


I would pass on anyone who was hesitant to accept the rules of exclusivity solely because "they don't do those things." Well, if someone doesn't cheat, they won't mind defining the relationship.
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Old 31st December 2018, 1:30 AM   #9
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I'm going to assume you met her because you said you met her family.

Group phone call or video conference is my guess.
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Old 31st December 2018, 9:42 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Andrew9 View Post
" I became more assertive and told her that's what she had to accept if she wanted to be with me.[
How does one 'be with you' when you're clear across the world, have never met in person, and the most you can offer her are texts, face-time chatting, and emails? That's a pen pal, not a relationship. I mean, come on.

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She then told me she was busy and didn't talk to me completely for days. I started getting anxious and doubtful. I saw her talking to other people more than me. This morning, she shared this note on social media.
You're not going to like hearing this but I think you need a little reality, Andrew. Lots of women in Asia are turning to the computer in the hopes of finding men who'll provide a better life for them then the one they're currently living. Why else would they waste their time chatting with some guy in Arizona or New York or London if they were happy to stay right where they are and just wanted to start dating someone? If I want to date someone and I'm perfectly happy right here in the US where I live, I'm NOT going to waste my time talking to some guy in Sri Lanka. What's the POINT of doing that?

These women are looking for BENEFACTORS, not boyfriends. And more than likely, they're also looking for a way OUT.

And that's why she's not available to you for days at a time. Likely because she's working other possible "benefactors" who are promising her a better life. The one who ponies up the cash and puts his money where his mouth is, is the one whose going to 'win' this girl.

Quote:
"When you search for someone who will love you, you trusted the wrong person. You became a fool, because you thought he was. You have never thought of the consequences of your feelings. For You, you are happy with him because you are thinking about the scene far away in the morning! You gave up the person who truly loves you, because you think you love the new one and you are happy. But you don't know that your new one is not true! If you love! Don't think about the far morning. Love the person who is there for you..."
Who knows what this drivel means. Again, this is nothing more than a pen pal 'relationship' because until you actually MEET, it's all just fantasy.

Quote:
What should i do?
Turn the computer off and go out into the REAL world and meet someone you can actually have an authentic relationship with, not some woman halfway around the world whose more than likely looking for someone to provide her a better life.

PS - do you notice how your 'offer' to come live in the Philippines doesn't really seem to be impressing her much? If it did, she wouldn't ignore you for days and she wouldn't be talking to other people, as you say you can see her doing. That's because she doesn't want someone to come to her, she wants to be taken out of the Philippines and moved into a better country with more opportunity. Like the US or UK or Canada, etc. etc.

You'll see.

Last edited by Mrs._December; 31st December 2018 at 9:50 AM..
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Old 26th January 2019, 9:29 PM   #11
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You dodged a bullet. Be happy. Go out and celebrate with your buddies.
In the Philippines, these girls are pros at making foreign guys (mainly from U.S. or Europe, never from some poor country) fall for them. There are plenty of stories in here too. They usually have 3 or more LDRs going on at the same time, and they arrange visits in different times of the year, so there'll be times when they must disappear. At some point along the way, there'll be some drama, some family member getting ill, and they strive to pay the bills, so that's when they guys start sending out money. You have to think that a low-key job like in a supermarket will get you $190 per month, while a school teacher (so a job that requires a degree possibly) will make like $355 a month.
So girls master the art of swindling foreign guys to get a taste of the nice life, being taken out to eat, getting jewels, clothes, and most of all regular money coming in when the guys are not there. Many of these girls have a regular boyfriend in town. Family member are usually accomplices, because they get their benefits too. Not too far from pimping their daughters.
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Old 31st January 2019, 12:21 AM   #12
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Just forget about her. You both were just having a fantasy.

If she makes you feel like that now imagine what would be in the future.. yikes

Also - what justwhoiam said. Didn't even know that this is a thing

Last edited by long_distance_runner; 31st January 2019 at 12:25 AM..
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Old 23rd February 2019, 1:26 PM   #13
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I don't prefer long distance relationship
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