Melissa.g Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Hi everyone. First time post here, I guess I'm looking for a bit of guidance, a bit of clarification with whatever is going on here. I'm confused and I'm hurting. Maybe i just need someone to talk to. Idk ? And geez I hope there is no character limit with these posts, because it will be a long one!! A little over a year ago, a close friend told me about a friend of hers. This friend of hers was recently out of a long term relationship, as was I. My friend thought we would hit it off, and we did. He messaged me on fb, we messaged a lot. Our messages became personal, we became close. We spoke often and decided to meet after just a couple of weeks. I drove 4.5 hours to meet him. It was the scariest, but best thing I've ever done. Love at first sight? Absolutely. I fell for him, and I fell hard. He felt the same. The constant messaging continued, we saw each other regularly - every 2 - 4 weeks. Every time but once, I've driven to see him. He has spent one night here. We were both happy, both loving the company of each other. I met his children and I absolutely adore them. They like me too. But I haven't seen them since February... his choice. Over the next couple of months things were still great, we still spent time together, both happy. The friend of mine who introduced us declared her love for him. She is no longer part of my life, or his. I'm thinking I was her way of her getting closer to him. She originally wanted to take me to meet him ? anyway... A bit of history - both he and I were in relationships for around 18 years. I'm mid 30's, he's early 40's. Both of our previous partners were unfaithful. My partner was violent. We are both the primary carer for our children, and we are both scarred by our past relationships and jealousy has become an issue. For me, the main issue is that he felt the need to hide our relationship, which he said was to keep the peace with his ex (she caused major drama when she found out about me). So no one really knew that I am even part of his life. I was envious of all the time other people got to spend with him, and he was jealous when I spoke to my ex (always about the kids), when I spoke to my male boss, when any guy has anything to do with me. We are both super private people- I have no friends at all now, and he limits his communication with people too. The fact is, we are both insecure and jealous AF. He has broken up with me a couple of times because of this. I love this man. I believed he loved me too. We spoke about our future together. We spoke about closing the distance. I know he couldn't move here because he has a business there and his family is very much settled in their little town. So I knew I had to relocate with my kids. A house close to him was available for purchase, and it was in my budget. So I enquired about a home loan. He was all for it. He was happy, we were excited about the possibilities. So were my kids - they're both teenagers. But someone got in before me and I missed out. He told me not to give up, keep looking, the perfect home will come up. Fast forward 6 weeks. We hadnt seen each other in this time, it's the longest we've been apart. 6 weeks apart. I wanted to see him, but he was always busy. Last weekend we finally were together again. Last weekend was one year since we first met. Since our first kiss. Since the start of something special. I love being with him, our time together is always amazing. We drove around his town looking for houses for sale (his idea to do that), and I arranged to look through 2 them. I was meant to view them today. But yesterday he messages me... He said I shouldn't go there to see the houses. There are better places being listed for sale soon, so he says. So I cancel the appointment ☹ He messages me this morning to say that I'm being too pushy. He wants us to have a break. I thought he wanted this too. He told me he wanted me there! ? there is so much more to it... planning this massive move with my children, informing my employer that this will be my last year with them. It's what we planned together ? I know he is scared of being hurt again. He is scared of commitment. I panicked and told him that it's over. He breaks up with me whenever things aren't perfect, and I can't deal with that anymore. I can't sit around waiting for him to tell me the break is over and he wants to communicate with me again. I need to protect my own heart. I want to be with him. I love him. I know it's not just about me though ? I don't know what to do from here. Do I give up? Do I hold on to the hope that he will want to be with me? Sorry for the massive long rant. I have so many thoughts running through my mind. This whole relationship thing is so new to me. I just don't know ☹ Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 He breaks up with me whenever things aren't perfect, and I can't deal with that anymore. I can't sit around waiting for him to tell me the break is over and he wants to communicate with me again. I need to protect my own heart. Are you saying that he's broken up with you several times before? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 He may have been saying some of the right things but you were much more into this then he was. Now that it was getting "real" meaning you were going to be local & you could see each other more, he panicked. He is probably still very traumatized by the end of his 18 year relationship & her infidelity. Those fears are coloring his relationship with you. The fact that everybody's default when things are bad is to break up also says you don't have the conflict resolution skills with each other to make this work long term. He sounds impulsive so based on that he might come back in 2-3 months but what does that get you? A freaked out scared man who is still scarred & unable to commit, who can't manage conflict. Doesn't sound like somebody worth locating to me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 He was jealous when I spoke to my ex (always about the kids), when I spoke to my male boss, when any guy has anything to do with me. We are both super private people- I have no friends at all now, and he limits his communication with people too. The fact is, we are both insecure and jealous AF. He has broken up with me a couple of times because of this. He messages me this morning to say that I'm being too pushy. He wants us to have a break. I was planning this massive move with my children. He breaks up with me whenever things aren't perfect, and I can't deal with that anymore. I can't sit around waiting for him to tell me the break is over and he wants to communicate with me again. Melissa, you have to know that this is not healthy behavior... It's not healthy for him to be that jealous. It's not healthy for him to break up with you whenever things aren't good for him and then not communicate with you. This is emotionally abusive behavior. And - it would be completely irresponsible to move your children to live with a man with whom you have an unstable and unhealthy relationship. Healthy relationships are not on again-off again. They are consistent, both partners have other relationships with friends, bosses, ex-husbands with whom you are coparenting... I'm sorry, this is not what you want to hear. But, I think you were wise to end this. And whatever you do, DO NOT move your children to live with this man. That would be harmful to your children, and very irresponsible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Melissa.g Posted October 6, 2018 Author Share Posted October 6, 2018 Thanks everyone for the responses. I know that the fear of being hurt again is there for him. I understand his feelings. I know he panics. Bailey, you are absolutely right in everything you said above. I tried telling myself that all the jealousy, breakups etc is part of a LDR, and it would all be perfect when the distance is no longer an issue. My feelings for him clouded the facts I had all these visions of how great life would be once we relocated. He is an amazing father to his children, that's something my kids dont have and they have suffered greatly because of that. He promised to be there for them and guide them. My little family were at peace for a long time, just the kids and I. We'll get there again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 My little family were at peace for a long time, just the kids and I. We'll get there again. Best wishes Melissa. I do hope that you find someone someday... Don't give up hope. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 Best wishes Melissa. I do hope that you find someone someday... Don't give up hope. Yes, likewise. Melissa, any man - especially at his age - who displays this sort of controlling jealousy and resorts to repeated break-ups is someone with boatload of problems that you cannot solve. It is going to be a blessing that your children will not be subjected to this. He would've been a terrible role model. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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