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When do I tell her ?


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Hello, I have been in a complicated LDR. let's just say i briefly brought up the question of "how she feels/what are we". she said she saw me as a special friend in a special place somewhere... idk if she means shes not ready or that we're just friends but i will figure that out with the talk i will have with her... now i have been helping her get through some things financially in the past... we grew very close, however, if she doesn't feel the same way, i am ready to tell her i cannot be there for her, and i have to tell her i have to let go if i want to move on.

 

we were planning on seeing each other again soon... my question is, do i have this conversation in person or do i just do it over text/email? i won't care about planning the trip and hanging out with someone as just friends if that is the concern of doing it in person. i am unsure about the proper setting to have this conversation (online/IRL).

 

if i do it IRL, i should do it towards the end of our time together right ? p

 

any "advice/what would you dos" is appreciated. been having mental battles all week closing out my email drafts and saying "no wait til seeing her" lol.

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Talk before you travel. Do not try to discus something this emotional over text. That will be an exercise in torture.

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Talk before you travel. Do not try to discus something this emotional over text. That will be an exercise in torture.

 

I agree.

 

And OP, what do you mean you've helped her out financially? You've given her money?

 

How did you meet her, and how much time have you spent together in person?

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Normally, I would say have this conversation in person.

 

But, because you are long distance I would agree that you should have this discussion before you travel. Don’t do it by text or email - pick up the phone and make the call... talk on the phone.

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I am curious about how you've helped her, too, lelwut...

 

And I concur. Do not make travel arrangements. Like Donnivain advised, TALK before you travel. No text, no email. I once knew I wanted to breakup, and I was afraid to do it. I wrote down all that I wanted to say, and I *said* it over the phone.

 

You want to breakup if she only wants you as a friend. I understand.

 

If you do it in person at the end of a (possibly) romantic meeting, you will have taken advantage of her if you then breakup with her. Even if you feel she has done that to you financially, you doing it to her would bring your personal integrity into question. She will remember only that one thing about you. Believe me.

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I have been in a complicated LDR
"Complicated" could mean anything...

 

i briefly brought up the question of "how she feels/what are we". she said she saw me as a special friend in a special place somewhere...

Well, are you male or female? I wouldn't know about a lesbian couple, but I'd strongly advise any man not to openly ask their (female) date where they stand. I'd say you first let that known somehow, dropping a hint or something, and then "maybe" you can ask.

 

idk if she means shes not ready or that we're just friends
I guess it might be the latter.

 

now i have been helping her get through some things financially in the past...
Now or in the past?? How do you help someone get through things financially? By giving her money? :confused:

 

if she doesn't feel the same way, i am ready to tell her i cannot be there for her, and i have to tell her i have to let go if i want to move on.
If she told you that you're just a friend, how are you in a LDR? Are you a FWB?

 

we were planning on seeing each other again soon...

1. How often do you see her?

2. How far is she?

3. Are you taking turns to travel?

 

do i have this conversation in person or do i just do it over text/email?
I'd say do it over the phone, because it's more direct. You don't want to waste money to go there and find out you're friendzoned. It might get pathetic.

 

if i do it IRL, i should do it towards the end of our time together right ?
Uhm, why? Not to lose your possible benefits? I wouldn't resist 7+ months not knowing who I am for the other person, what they are looking for, what they want, etc. I wouldn't be able to give my all, while suspecting I'm just being used.

 

been having mental battles all week closing out my email drafts and saying "no wait til seeing her" lol.

I don't get this last sentence. Anyway, it's not worth having mental battles... Just be yourself.

Edited by justwhoiam
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Do it over a phone call, or a video chat call. I wouldn't do it over email or text, because that makes it appear less important to you than it actually is. Good luck.

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I'veseenbetterlol

Do it over video chat/phone. If she doesn't want to be w/you, don't waste your time and emotions going through that. Seeing her will make it even harder to let. I've been in your situation and it sucks, but doing the break off quick is so much better.

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