Long distance and cheating

[juniorka]

Hi,

 

I have a complicated situation in where my boyfriend of over a year decided to go back home to work- i wasn't happy at first but decided that I didn't want to break up and i wanted his happiness to come first.

 

Over a month later and two weeks before i am going to visit him there, he tells me that he cheated on me. I was furious and heartbroken. it has only been a couple of weeks since the incident and i'm still very upset but I still have a deep feeling of wanting him back.

 

Has anyone dealt with something like this before?

I would love some advice.

[d0nnivain]

He cheated. The relationship is over. He can't be trusted when away from you. Cancel your trip. If you can't get a refund, pay the change fee & go somewhere else.

[BaileyB]

You’ve been together for a year. You are not married, you do not own property together, you do not have children... cut your losses now and end it.

 

When people show you who they are, you are wise to believe them. This guy is not to be trusted. I’m sorry.

[hippychick3]

So sorry, OP. At this point, you have absolutely zero reasons to stay with him. Nothing he will say can undo what he's done. He's shown you that he is a cheater, and that will never change. Cheating should be a dealbreaker 100% of the time when there are no children involved (even then, it would be a deal breaker for me). Cut your losses and move on to find someone who will never cheat on you.

[Guildford]

OMG. The three prior posters hold the view that cheating is the atom bomb of any relationship. There are plenty of relationships where one person cheats early in the relationship, and the relationship lasts for years without further cheating. The statistics I have read show that about sixty percent of married people will cheat during the marriage, but only 2 percent have cheated in the last 12 months. This shows that the expression, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true. Your boyfriend did confess the act when (I assume) you had no idea of what he had done.

 

The question is: how much do you love your boyfriend and how badly do you want to hold on to him. If you decide to stay, tell him that the relationship is monogamous, and (if I were in your shoes) tell him that while exclusiveness is important, honesty is more important. Any step out of line should be confessed within a day or two. On the other hand if you have any general reservations about the relationship, now would be good time to get out.

[Normm]

OMG. The three prior posters hold the view that cheating is the atom bomb of any relationship.

 

 

OMG. And so does the poster right after you.

[BaileyB]

OMG. And so does the poster right after you.

 

I really want to like your post - it made me laugh out loud. Lol!

 

Yeah, this relationship goes long distance and he lasted a few weeks before he was having sex with another woman... Trusting this guy to stay faithful if you are going to continue long distance doesn't seem like a very safe or smart bet, OP.

Edited August 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

OMG. The three prior posters hold the view that cheating is the atom bomb of any relationship.

 

* * *

 

The question is: how much do you love your boyfriend and how badly do you want to hold on to him.

 

It doesn't matter how much she wants to hold on, practically the minute this transitioned to long distance he cheated. The distance can't be overcome. The woman he cheated on the OP with is there; she's far away. All the wanting in the world won't fix this. Her BF is not cut out for an LDR & she shouldn't waste time trying to change him.

[Guildford]

If the OP reconciles with her boyfriend she has the advantage of knowing that he cannot be completely trusted. I believe that anyone who is reasonably healthy and has a libido is capable of having an affair if confronted with the right circumstances, and therefore no one should completely trust their significant other. If you have never cheated and never would you simply have not yet been confronted with the right circumstances, and probably never will be. A little distrust is healthy and it is not a good idea to put your spouse on a “pedicel.” You need to lighten up and realize that people make mistakes and it is not necessarily the end the relationship if the errant person is basically a good person.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

In the year prior to this separation and apparent confession, did your BF give any signs of lessening interest, a wandering eye, odd communication, etc? Any clue?

 

Interesting that he'd confess at long distance. Since he's 'back home', did you know of any past spouses, girlfriends, unrequited loves, etc from 'home'?

 

What's your general age range and have either of you been married?

[BaileyB]

If the OP reconciles with her boyfriend she has the advantage of knowing that he cannot be completely trusted. A little distrust is healthy.

 

You need to lighten up and realize that people make mistakes and it is not necessarily the end the relationship if the errant person is basically a good person.

 

So... Have you been the cheater, or have you been cheated on and taken back your partner?

 

Trust is everything in a relationship. A partner who can not be trusted completely is not a good partner, certainly not a good partner for me.

 

How in the world do you think they are going to continue this LONG DISTANCE relationship if she can not trust her partner... She is going to sit at home, wondering and worrying every single day if he is keeping it in his pants - that sounds like a sure way to make yourself very anxious and a horrible way to live your life.

[Guildford]

Bailey - To the best of my knowledge I am my wife's one and only. Once early in the marriage I was convinced that she had had a ONS. When she returned home she looked me right in the eye and swore that nothing had happened, fine but I still had the evidence that something had happened. I am convinced now that they did not have sex, he tried to rape her. Early on I had a ONS when I thought that she was heading toward sex with other men so why not. I told her about it not long after and she blew up, threatened divorce and then it passed. We have now been married for half a century. People do get past these things if they love each other. What I do not understand is people who view extra relationship sex as an atom bomb.

 

As for how the OP will deal with this issue when the relationship is still LD is a personal issue she will have to deal with. The fact that her boyfriend volunteered the information is a positive sign.

[BaileyB]

Bailey - To the best of my knowledge I am my wife's one and only. Once early in the marriage I was convinced that she had had a ONS. When she returned home she looked me right in the eye and swore that nothing had happened, fine but I still had the evidence that something had happened. I am convinced now that they did not have sex, he tried to rape her. Early on I had a ONS when I thought that she was heading toward sex with other men so why not. I told her about it not long after and she blew up, threatened divorce and then it passed. We have now been married for half a century. People do get past these things if they love each other. What I do not understand is people who view extra relationship sex as an atom bomb.

 

As for how the OP will deal with this issue when the relationship is still LD is a personal issue she will have to deal with. The fact that her boyfriend volunteered the information is a positive sign.

 

 

Congrats on your long and happy marriage...

 

We have slightly different opinions. For what it's worth, I certainly don't think that an affair is an atom bomb... I would think long and hard about ending a marriage when there are children involved if my partner had an affair - depending on the nature of the affair and how remorseful and committed to the marriage my partner may be.

 

I also don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater." I know people who have cheated, most because the relationship was not good and these relationships have since broken up. None of these people have cheated since, many establishing happy and healthy relationships/second marriages.

 

In this case, it is a "young" relationship - they are not married, no children, no shared property, etc... This makes a difference for me, when deciding how much to risk, whether to stay or go.

 

The fact it is long distance makes it even more challenging to trust this guy. And, the fact that he cheated just weeks into going long distance says a lot to me... OP has to decide if she wants to take this risk or not. I personally would not, I would cut my losses and end the relationship.

Edited August 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[Joan621]

I also don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, but I do believe that couples that survive cheating have a strong foundation, whether it be children together or just many years and or experiences together. I have known some people to overcome that through therapy and lots of work together because there was an acknowledgement that something was broken and that's what led to the cheating, and they were committed to fixing it.

 

Your situation is different. It's not the age of the relationship that bothers me - one year can be just as meaningful and significant as several years together. I don't know how intense this relationship is. What bothers me is that you agreed to a long distance relationship and he is cheating after just a month. I may be more understanding if you had been long distance for a couple of years or more and he succumbed to loneliness (not an excuse, but maybe something you can work through). But a month is not a long time at all and says to me this will not be sustainable. It also says to me you shouldn't waste your time moving to be with him if that is a consideration. I don't think it's a bad idea for you to cancel your trip and not contact him for awhile to process through your feelings too. If he still wants you to go, he is probably just going to grovel the entire time to convince you to forgive him.

 

I give this advice not knowing much. One question I have is this - when he told you he cheated, did you or him say he wanted to end the relationship or work through it?

[kendahke]

Hi,

 

I have a complicated situation in where my boyfriend of over a year decided to go back home to work- i wasn't happy at first but decided that I didn't want to break up and i wanted his happiness to come first.

 

Over a month later and two weeks before i am going to visit him there, he tells me that he cheated on me. I was furious and heartbroken. it has only been a couple of weeks since the incident and i'm still very upset but I still have a deep feeling of wanting him back.

 

Has anyone dealt with something like this before?

I would love some advice.

 

He probably had that set up before he even left where he was living with you. His mind was open to someone new before he got back home. If his mind was on holding things down with you, none of this would have happened.

 

He lacks the self discipline to remain faithful, as born out by his behavior. It was just as easy to say to you before you left that it was best if you two ended things because LDR's were unrealistic for him.

 

My advice would be to end the relationship. He's having sex with someone else who lives around the block from him. You live nowhere close. He clearly can't be alone without needing someone--anyone--there with him. If it wasn't her, it'd be someone else.

The three prior posters hold the view that cheating is the atom bomb of any relationship.

 

So do I, especially if it's just a dating relationship, which is OP's situation, and not a marriage, which it isn't.

 

There is no good reason to waste one's youth on someone who has such a lack of self discipline that they can't go without sex until the next time they see their partner.

[Kranbir8]

I think your friend is frank. Because he already said that he cheated on you. You should talk to him about this. If he come back again then it's good luck for you. Otherwise you should find someone else.