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He wonít commit


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 13th July 2018, 10:46 AM   #1
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He wonít commit

I recently graduated college and started Ďtalkingí to a guy my last few weeks there. The problem is, he still has a year left. He also lives across the country from me (heís out of state). Right now itís summer break so weíre still talking but heís in California and Iím in Virginia. He says he wants to commit once he gets back to VA for school but refuses to/or is too scared to commit now as itís long distance. It would still be long distance in VA bc I live 3 hours away from our school but it would be easier than never seeing each other bc weíre across the country. Iím slightly depressed right now due to the fact that I graduated and have to go to work every day and donít have purpose. Not feeling secure in a relationship has been a struggle for me. I really want to be with him as heís perfect for me but Iím not sure it will work. Need advice! Should I wait until heís back in August for him to commit or break it off altogether?
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Old 13th July 2018, 12:20 PM   #2
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I would leave it for now, and not reach out over the summer. Take some space to process your disappointment. I would be hesitant to commit even after August, because what will happen when he graduates? Unless you two stay in the same area, you will likely be faced with the same problem come next summer as well.

He did the right thing being honest that he doesn't want to commit, hard as it was to hear.
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Old 13th July 2018, 12:34 PM   #3
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So, you haven't even met yet and just started talking recently?

You're basically strangers until you meet.

Of course he shouldn't commit to you. No one should commit to anyone before meeting, dating IN PERSON, and getting to know each other IN PERSON over an extended period of time.

Please save yourself the heartbreak and find someone local who you can actually get to know in person.
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Old 13th July 2018, 12:59 PM   #4
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I from VA and have been back from CA a number or years now. I would say if your bf is in LA to definitely see other people this summer. He will have a great summer out there and will meet a lot of people. It's so much fun out there when you're young.
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Old 13th July 2018, 3:49 PM   #5
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If you are the insecure type don't even try an LDR. You don't have the chops for it; LDRs take a great deal of trust. If he's still going to be in school, 3 hours away from you while you are out in the real world for the 1st time you are going to make yourself nuts every time he tells you about a party on campus. I don't see this being healthy for you.
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Old 13th July 2018, 9:57 PM   #6
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LDRs don't work out most of the time. You don't know someone until you're face to face for some months. So it would be nuts for either of you to commit. Concentrate on your career.
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Old 14th July 2018, 4:20 AM   #7
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LDRs don't work out most of the time. You don't know someone until you're face to face for some months. So it would be nuts for either of you to commit. Concentrate on your career.
Good point here, esp considering you haven't met. I met a guy online, yes I knew he was real, but I ended up wasting 6 months and money travelling to see him. I wouldn't bother honestly, speaking from past experience, unless he or you were moving to the same place. Spend time improving yourself and I promise having a close relationship is much better then seeing someone every couple of months.
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Old 14th July 2018, 11:58 AM   #8
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Why would he commit if you just started "talkin" in the last few weeks of college?

I mean you need to tell us more. Did you guys go out on long dates, talk, sleep together, have sex? ...

Talkin' could be friendship only.

I think the key information here isn't the deal with this guy ... the key info is that you lack any sense of purpose and apparently don't like your new job.

Make sure you don't have depression going on. One guy that you "talked to" shouldn't trip you up. And relationships don't necessarily give us purpose. You will be lost and clinging to him unless you create your own purpose independent of him. And he will resent the clinging and lost interest in a woman who has no drive outside of dating him.

Do you feel like you're depressed? ... Are you sharing these thoughts with friends back home?
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Old 15th July 2018, 8:35 PM   #9
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I wouldn't commit either this summer. I would wait and see what happens in the fall. If it's meant to be, then he will want to continue to explore the relationship when he returns to school in the fall.

Perhaps I’m reading too much between the lines, but based on what you have written I would suggest that you would be wise to get yourself settled in your life and your new career before you think about getting serious with a relationship. I get the sense that you are looking for a relationship to give you purpose and make you happy. It's never a good plan to expect that a job or a man will make you happy. You say that you "have no purpose" because you recently graduated and now you have to work... I would say, this is a very exciting time in your life as you start your career and begin to find a new path in life!

Is it fair to say that you are looking for a relationship to feel like you have found that path? Let's be honest, you have not known this guy for very long, you do not have an established relationship with him, and you as such, you don't really know this guy. Yet, you say that he is "perfect for you" and you are trying to pressure him into making a commitment to a long distance relationship that he does not seem to want right now.

I can understand why you are excited to explore a new relationship. But, if you are feeling depressed because you have no relationship and/or you are having a difficult transition out of college, you should really think about that... because, that is not healthy for you. It's not healthy to be depressed and anxious about a relationship with a guy that you have been "talking too" for only a few weeks. It makes me think, you have just gotten ahead of yourself with this relationship... time to bring things back into perspective.

I do wish you well. And, congratulations on your graduation!
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Last edited by BaileyB; 15th July 2018 at 9:45 PM..
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Old 16th July 2018, 2:59 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbroken07 View Post
I recently graduated college and started Ďtalkingí to a guy my last few weeks there. The problem is, he still has a year left. He also lives across the country from me (heís out of state). Right now itís summer break so weíre still talking but heís in California and Iím in Virginia. He says he wants to commit once he gets back to VA for school but refuses to/or is too scared to commit now as itís long distance. It would still be long distance in VA bc I live 3 hours away from our school but it would be easier than never seeing each other bc weíre across the country. Iím slightly depressed right now due to the fact that I graduated and have to go to work every day and donít have purpose. Not feeling secure in a relationship has been a struggle for me. I really want to be with him as heís perfect for me but Iím not sure it will work. Need advice! Should I wait until heís back in August for him to commit or break it off altogether?
Why don't you instead figure out how to get your head wrapped around finding better work? August is in 16 days--you can wait to see what happens and in the meantime, make it your goal to find better work so that you're not dwelling on what he may or may not do in 16 days.

Welcome to being grown--part of that is having to work at places one doesn't want to work in, but they need to pay rent, utilities, student loans, etc. Get your life squared away before worrying about your love life.
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Old 17th July 2018, 10:29 PM   #11
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I agree with other commenters. He made it clear that he is not ready to commit. There is absolutely no way for you to know what will happen when he moved back to VA. I suggest you live your life and focus on yourself. Don't stop yourself from meeting others. If he comes back and things just happen to bring you together again, great. If not, at least you won't have wasted months waiting on someone who didn't want to commit to you.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 7:49 PM   #12
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Hello everyone! Thank you for all your replyís! To clear things up, yes I knew him in person and when we were together for the few weeks we acted like a couple. But now that Iím reading your responses, Iíve realized that most of my anxiety about all of this is due to growing on my own as an adult. I appreciate all your input and am working on myself first!! I (temporarily) deleted my social media accounts and have been befriending more of my coworkers to be more present in my real life. Weíre going to try still to see if itíll work in August but for now Iím just living my life and letting it be. Thanks again everyone!!!
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