Anxiety ridden

[Kaitygrace2018]

I have been talking to this guy for about a month now and everything has been perfect.... he is attentive, caring, puts me first and he always lets me know how he’s feeling and making me feel special. He never makes me doubt myself (which I do a lot due to anxiety and having troubled past relationships).

 

He recently got diagnosed with anxiety disorder as well and has been learning to cope with it-from his friendships to his family to work to now us, he has had anxiety.

 

We are currently 2 hours apart from each other and see each other once a week until we go back to college in August. He is having trouble with his worries and doubts (from anxiety) about the future of our relationship because he struggles with the distance.

 

He puts in a lot of work and effort to see me when we both can, and is extremely upset that his anxiety is now affecting us. But he’s been very open. He is worried that we will not work out as all relationships either end or last, and he is extremely afraid of the thought of one of our feelings dropping randomly, specifically with him where his last relationship he experienced that from his ex.

 

I reassured him that he is feeling normal relationship anxieties as things get more serious but they are heightened from anxiety. I have experienced these feelings before too, where the anxiety crippled me from my feelings and happiness.

 

What my worry is is that he will not be able to over come this or we can not get past this. He was extremely emotional as we discussed how it scares me and said maybe we should stop seeing each other, he does not want to lose what we have and he is falling for me but he just has extreme doubts that he knows aren’t real but still upset him.

 

If anyone has advice for relationship anxiety and LDR, please let me know.

Edited July 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Kaitygrace2018]

It is important to also mention he doesn’t have these anxieties when we are together at all, only when we are apart for extended periods of time

[Adiron]

Two anxiety ridden people in a relationship is like anxiety to the second power.

 

 

It's clear from your post that your new found relationship is driving the two of you into a spiral of obsessive unhealthy thoughts which are only eased when you are together which is a fraction of the time since you are in an LDR. You really need to ask yourselves if it's worth it. Honestly I think you're better off with a guy you can see regularly and from what I understand in August it's going to be from bad (once per week) to worse (when you go to separate schools).

[Kaitygrace2018]

We are at the same schools and have discussed how things will be easier once we get back in a little over a month. I don’t think it’s fair to throw out something that makes us both happy because of a mental illness, especially when I have a better grasp on mine and have learned to live with it. We both have agreed to work on it together and have open communication

[Kaitygrace2018]

We have discussed working on seeing eachother more by him taking time off work (he works 6 days a week typically) and him ignoring the negative intrusive thoughts. I’m sure it will get much easier once we are back at school but until then I am curious what positive ways We can help the relationship move forward now

[BaileyB]

Is he getting any treatment for his anxiety? Either medication or cognitive behavioural therapy? Perhaps, it’s wise to slow things down until he gets some treatment and gets a hold on the anxiety he is feeling. It doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing each other, just that he needs some time figure things out and get himself to a healthier place... just a thought.

[Adiron]

I don’t think it’s fair to throw out something that makes us both happy because of a mental illness

 

 

It's not a matter of "fair" it's a matter of maintaining your sanity. Sounds like the relationship issues are causing the two of you more stress and grief than anything positive that may come out of it.

[d0nnivain]

Both of you need to have a little more faith in each other for this to work. The distance is temporary for heaven's sake. If you two can't weather being 2 hours away from each other for a summer, how do you expect to deal with genuine problems? This is nothing. Remind yourself of that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Assuming you treat him reasonably well, there's really nothing you can do to calm his anxiety. He needs to work on that with his therapist ...

 

In fact, you'll distort the relationship if you keep trying to convince him not to worry. That's his job to convince himself that you are trustworthy. Don't dig a hole for yourself by trying to do his job.

 

In fact, with some people with serious anxiety, even getting reassurance can trigger them ... because they rely too much on the other person's reassurance. It's up to us to reassure ourselves when in relationship.

 

And don't be so nice and understanding that you act like you are never gonna break up with him. You have the right to break up with him ... and he has the right to break up with you. If you end up over-reassuring on this, that's not good for him or for you or for the relationship.

 

He needs to reassure himself.

 

Btw: most likely there are other things upsetting him emotionally and psychologically than simply being in a long-distance relationship. Old family hurts and woulds, low esteem ... he needs to work on that with a therapist and/or with medication ... and leave you out of that.

 

You actually will get sick of reassuring him at some point. That's why I caution you to not do that. Nobody wants to date someone we're having to repeatedly reassure ...

[Kaitygrace2018]

My worry is, we are not in a “serious” relationship yet and that it will never come due to this. Are these anxieties going to lead me to be strung along without official commitment, or are these normal feelings for a month into a LD relationship? His worry is that his feelings will drop suddenly like they have in the past with his ex, or that the same will happen with me. It’s hard to not assume the worst.

[BaileyB]

No, I would not say that these are normal worries for the first month of a new relationship. Yes, it can be an anxious time but there should also be great excitement! You should be very excited to see each other...

 

I personally, think that timing is everything with relationships. This is not the right time for this man, he needs to get his anxiety under control before he will be ready to date and enjoy a new relationship.

 

Best wishes.

[stillafool]

Why do so many young people have anxiety disorders these days? Where is this coming from? I don't remember my generation ("baby boomer") having these problems of if we did we didn't know it perhaps. It must be rough.

[pureinheart]

Why do so many young people have anxiety disorders these days? Where is this coming from? I don't remember my generation ("baby boomer") having these problems of if we did we didn't know it perhaps. It must be rough.

 

I think the same thing when I hear of all of the anxiety mostly coming from my kids generation on down... it seems to be getting worse.

[Kaitygrace2018]

We are excited to be together and see eachother that’s not the issue. He is worried about the future not working. He is working on them on his own time and has been doing better and feeling better

[Kaitygrace2018]

When I brought up the idea of taking time away so he can figure it out He expressed that he wouldn’t accept that because it is letting the anxiety win and it goes the opposite way of what he’s wanting/needing which is to spend more time together. But we are slowing things down. I think anxiety arose from moving fast which would be normal to have those feelings

[BaileyB]

If that is the case, I will offer you a few words of wisdom...

 

Anxiety is a fear of the future. If you are able to focus on the present moment, there is no anxiety in the present moment.

 

Anxiety is irrational in that, no amount of worrying about the future will help us to control or prevent bad things from happening. In fact, it is a useless exercise because we waste all that time and emotional energy worrying about things that have not happened, and may never happen, rather than enjoying the things that are happening now.

 

And finally, with regard to relationships... there is no guarantee that any relationship will last - ever. There are people who marry their “soul mate,” raise three children, and celebrate their fortieth wedding anniversary only to have their partner decide that they have changed their minds and they don’t want to me in that relationship anymore... I know this because my uncle did exactly that! All we can do is chose wisely, take a chance, and pray for the best. And, even if it doesn’t work out... you will still be ok. People have their hearts broken, they get divorced, every day - and they survive!

 

Even if it doesn’t work out, you carry the good experiences with you... which is better than not having any experience at all. Trust me, I was very afraid of being hurt and avoided taking the risk for a long time only to realize... not having the experience of loving and being loved was equally, if not more painful. So, I took a risk and I have not regretted it one minute!

 

I hope he is getting some help. Good luck to you both.

[Adiron]

If that is the case, I will offer you a few words of wisdom...

 

Anxiety is a fear of the future. If you are able to focus on the present moment, there is no anxiety in the present moment.

 

 

Interesting concept. I had to think about that for a minute before I decided to disagree with you. Anxiety is not always about the future, it can be about what might be happening RIGHT NOW.

 

 

 

Take the parent who totally freaks out when her kids aren't home, wondering who they are with, are they safe, they hear about an accident and wonder if it's their child. They have a strange lump in their body and are awaiting test results. What if they have cancer? A person who lost their job and can't pay the rent and utility bills. How will they pay them? A person in a relationship that seems to be getting mixed messages from their partner. Do they still want to be with them? 2 people who met on a date, one had a great time but the other doesn't respond to messages. Do they like them? They are clearly focusing on the "right now".

[BaileyB]

Interesting concept. I had to think about that for a minute before I decided to disagree with you. Anxiety is not always about the future, it can be about what might be happening RIGHT NOW.

 

 

 

Take the parent who totally freaks out when her kids aren't home, wondering who they are with, are they safe, they hear about an accident and wonder if it's their child. They have a strange lump in their body and are awaiting test results. What if they have cancer? A person who lost their job and can't pay the rent and utility bills. How will they pay them? A person in a relationship that seems to be getting mixed messages from their partner. Do they still want to be with them? 2 people who met on a date, one had a great time but the other doesn't respond to messages. Do they like them? They are clearly focusing on the "right now".

 

Agree, but I would agree that this is fear, not necessarily "anxiety" in the way that OP is describing it. Some would say, this kind of fear has served a purpose from an evolutionary perspective - it's the old fight or flight reflex. It motivates people to do something - to check in your children, to find a source of income, to look for another job.

 

But, the kind of anxiety that trips us up now-a-days is not generally this kind of fear - a threat to our imminent safety. This kind of anxiety is focused on future events that may or may not happen - "will she lose feelings for me?" That kind of incessant worry serves little purpose, except to keep our mind busy and give it something to do. We believe, there is some kind of defence to be found in focusing and worrying about things that may happen in the future (ie. I will be dumped) when in truth, there is usually little that can prevent all bad things from happening in the future.

 

Just my take, I've heard it before and it makes sense to me. It helps me to put any anxiety I feel in its place... It reminds me to focus on the now, because we don't know what will happen in the future and we have little control over many things... I remember, it's just my mind keeping busy...

 

Food for thought, the other part of this "theory" is that depression, is a focus on things that have happened in the past. Therefore, if one is able to practice mindfulness and stay in the moment, there is no room for depression either... It's an interesting thought.

Edited July 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

When I brought up the idea of taking time away so he can figure it out He expressed that he wouldn’t accept that because it is letting the anxiety win and it goes the opposite way of what he’s wanting/needing which is to spend more time together. But we are slowing things down. I think anxiety arose from moving fast which would be normal to have those feelings

 

It's NOT your job to recommend that you slow down ... That suggests you don't like the guy! ... Are you so ambivalent and iffy that really, if he pulls away, you would be fine? Listen, you wanna help him with his anxiety--be his friend. Friends help us ... At the start of a relationship, the role of the other person isn't to help us. Your goal is find a guy who is a good fit for you.

 

I say agree to a slow down only if you also are open to seeing other people in the meantime ... You're treating him like a kid ... you want an adult partner who has his act together.

 

When I had depression, I didn't need a partner to go slow ... I needed to get to therapy and treatment to get out of the depression. And btw: it is totally legitimate to pull away from someone because of mental illness. Of course it is ... If the mental illness blocks the person from being a good relationship partner, it's totally reasonable to back off.

 

I say this as someone who has had depression. Would have been disastrous for any women who ignored my depression. I'm no longer depressed ... but the question for a relationship is necessarily a selfish one: can this person meet my desires and needs for relationship? Period. Doesn't matter the reason. To reject him as a friend would certainly be cruel, but it's not cruel to not wanna date someone with mental illness. Trust me: got a ton of mental illness in my family ... form schizophrenia to anxiety, ocd and depression.

 

One of my family member's partners once said that depression nearly killed their relationship ... until my family member got on meds for depression and anxiety. I understood ... My family member was insufferable to ... Depression ruined his ability to experience joy ... laughter ... hope ... optimism ... it totally distorted his personality.

 

I think multiple people have asked whether he is in treatment. Is he? I can't find your answer. That's the best thing you can do for him and for the relationship: loudly encourage him to get treatment, aggressive treatment ... not occasionally seeing a therapist ... but weekly sections with practice exercises ... reports back to the therapists ... experiments ... etc ... Or ... meds.

 

And this is a GREAT time for him to get treatment ... in the summer ... when the anxiety is flaring up ... He can find someone who does CBT and he can make progress in a short amount of time. Two hours away isn't much at all, especially for young people who will go to the ends of earth for love.

Edited July 5, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Kaitygrace2018]

We are now at a month and a half of “talking” and things have been going much better. He says that his feelings of worry and doubt about our relationship are near gone as he got help for it. He recently asked me if I wanted to be with him, and has also asked how I feel about being “official”. However this was not him asking me to be his outright GF. He has told me I’m his significant other and we have a committed relationship, and that being “official” is coming (saying as much as we are close to being official and that it’s definitely coming....without me asking him for that). I realize it’s still early but I do feel as though we are becoming very close we talk on the phone every day and have seen eachother twice a week. However I’m not sure what’s holding him back.... why is he telling me this is his plan and what he wants instead of just asking? I should also let it be known we have not had sex but have been physical. I told him I am waiting until the relationship. Sometimes when things are getting heavy he will ask if that’s what I’m wanting... obviously a little immaturity there. But he is very communicative that he doesn’t want to do it unless I’m 100% sure and I told him I need the full relationship so I am able to let those feelings come. He has told me countless times sex is not what he’s after.... just a part of the relationship and he wants me bc he loves how we are becoming best friends and lovers. Is any of this a red flag? Is this “telling me his plan” odd? We are big on being completely open but I don’t understand what’s holding him bacj

[BaileyB]

We are now at a month and a half of “talking” and things have been going much better. He says that his feelings of worry and doubt about our relationship are near gone as he got help for it. He recently asked me if I wanted to be with him, and has also asked how I feel about being “official”. However this was not him asking me to be his outright GF. He has told me I’m his significant other and we have a committed relationship, and that being “official” is coming (saying as much as we are close to being official and that it’s definitely coming....without me asking him for that). I realize it’s still early but I do feel as though we are becoming very close we talk on the phone every day and have seen eachother twice a week. However I’m not sure what’s holding him back.... why is he telling me this is his plan and what he wants instead of just asking? I should also let it be known we have not had sex but have been physical. I told him I am waiting until the relationship. Sometimes when things are getting heavy he will ask if that’s what I’m wanting... obviously a little immaturity there. But he is very communicative that he doesn’t want to do it unless I’m 100% sure and I told him I need the full relationship so I am able to let those feelings come. He has told me countless times sex is not what he’s after.... just a part of the relationship and he wants me bc he loves how we are becoming best friends and lovers. Is any of this a red flag? Is this “telling me his plan” odd? We are big on being completely open but I don’t understand what’s holding him bacj

 

I would suggest that this is just the anxiety... He's testing the waters still, wading into the pool and not quite ready to jump right in. If you feel good about things, give him more time. Maybe he will get there, eventually. It depends on how long you are prepared to wait to get what you want. Good for you though, for setting your boundary and sticking to it. I hope it works out the way you want it to work out.

[Kaitygrace2018]

True. He told me he feels as though he is sure of what he wants and has no doubts about us though. I guess he is just waiting until the right time and allowing some more growth. If a man is telling you his intentions like this, is that something to trust? Or is it like why not just do it .. it’s hard to gauge with all of his past worries. He makes me very happy and it’s hard knowing I’m ready and can feel what we have but he isn’t at that point yet i suppose.

[Kaitygrace2018]

Also should I feel odd that he said he thinks we are ready to have sex bc we have advanced sexually but he doesn’t feel our relationship is there yet? I know I’m old fashioned but he’s waiting for me and I’m waiting for him essentially.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, he wants to have sex with you... but, that's not really fair for him to tell you that things are progressing physically between you and ask you for sex when he knows that you want to have a secure relationship with him before you have sex. I would not feel badly about waiting - you have clearly communicated your boundaries and he should, and it sounds like he is, respecting that.

 

Kaitygrace, men and women think differently and experience sex differently. It is said, that women need to feel love before they are ready to have sex. While, a man needs to have sex in order to feel loved. He is perhaps, compartmentalizing sex and love differently than you do.

 

Again, there is nothing wrong with telling him that you do not want to have sex until you are sure that he is able to cope with the evolving relationship - you need to feel secure in the relationship and trust him before you have sex. Don't compromise your beliefs for this man, or any other man, or you will feel sorry if it doesn't work out.

 

Now, he is telling you that he is sure of what he wants and he has no doubts, but words are just words... Especially, I hate to say it, for a man who is struggling with anxiety and trying to use self talk to overcome his fears. Pay closer attention to his actions - does he spend time with you, is he attentive to you, is he considerate of your feelings, how does he handle experiences that make him feel anxious, how does he handle conflict... These are the important things to note.

 

As for your question - "why can't he just do it?" Sure, for any other person, they may well "just do it." But, this guy is struggling with pretty severe anxiety. This is who he is, and this is what he needs to do. Hopefully, it will get better as he gets treatment and learns to cope with his anxiety. But, you need to go into this relationship with your eyes wide open - this may be how he deals with every challenge, every new step in the relationship, every aspect of his life. If you stay with him, you must accept this about him and be prepared to deal with it, however it may play out in the future.

Edited July 15, 2018 by BaileyB