Jump to content

I never doubted her before....now I cant stop


Recommended Posts

My girlfriend, Sue, and I live almost 1300 miles apart. We have been dating for 3 years.

At some point I hope to move to where she lives permanently...but for now we survive by getting together every few months. She will come here for a week in August, I will be down there for a week in October. We make it work. I will be living with her for 3 months at the beginning of next year, though! (yay).

 

I always feel bad that Sue has to be waiting for me, and I always told her that if she ever gets the opportunity and wants to try to date somebody, that she could. I am completely faithful to her. She did not date for 5 years before me, because she loves her independence and basically brought up her two daughters on her own.

Anyhow, about a month ago, she was going through a tough time and I could not be there for her. Sue was feeling down, and an Uber driver of all people invited her to dinner. She accepted.

Sue told me all about him (he lives 3 hours from her), she told me when the date was going to be, she called me and told me she loved me just before she walked into the restaurant to meet him (they met 1/2 way) - she even texted me DURING the date.

 

I thought I could handle it...but I was wrong. I was a wreck the entire night!

I was in tears when she called before the date and after. I was so surprised and mad at myself for my reaction!

She called me when she got home - they just had dinner and walked on the beach, and he only kissed her once goodbye at the car.

Sue said she has no interest in dating him again, because the entre time she could not help feeling that it felt wrong, and the guy was not "me".

 

Her email to me the day afer her date said this:

" It was silly of me to go on a date... all I could think of was you the whole time ... I am and always will be loving you with all of my heart Â…"

 

Sue hates confrontation and did not know tell the guy that the one date would be the only date. She did not just want to text it to him - and she felt too bad about it to call him and tell him. So, she agreed that I should call him!

And he and I had a nice 5- 10 minute conversation. But he knows now that Sue is with me, he did not want to interfere , and wished us the best.

 

But now the problem (finally! sorry for the long posting so far)

For some reason, any time I can't get through to Sue now - I cant help but think she is on a date with someone.

And I understand why she would not tell me this time since I did not handle that one date well at all.

I know she would not tell me if she went out again with someone, just to spare my feelings.

 

When she does not respond to a text after 1/2 hour or so, I start to panic.

She told me tonight she could not answer the phone earlier because she was talking to her sister. But in my mind she was on the phone with a guy.

 

How can I stop feeling this way????

 

I spent 3 years not even thinking about her being with another guy, she always told me she was not interested.

 

Now, its ALL I can think about.

 

How can I stop these thoughts??? How can I be more relaxed now???

 

We love each other very much - and even if she did start dating someone, he will have to know about her flying up to see me, and me there in October, and then me living with her for 3 months to start out next year, right???

 

I get myself sick to my stomach worried about all these things that are probably not even happening.

 

Help!

Link to post
Share on other sites
doyathinkso

I'm so sorry JD but I think you love her a whole lot more than she loves you.

 

The Long Distance thing is a make or break test for a relationship.

 

Yours broke.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Did you two break up before she went on this date? Or did she go on this date as your girlfriend?

 

In my opinion, if it was the latter, it was an absurd idea and a big mistake. It also unfortunately speaks volumes about her feelings for you. She is already shopping for your replacement.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's not your girlfriend if she's going on romantic dates with another man and neither are you in a relationship with her.

 

This whole thing is absurd. And then you had to call the guy and unravel her mess? Are you both 12?

 

I'm sorry but these are not the actions of someone who is in love with you. LDRs are difficult, and then you throw in this kind of mess? Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it to -- she likely is tiring of the distance and is wanting to date someone that she can enjoy in person rather than over a computer/telephone line.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I guess my initial posting did not express my feelings accurately.

I gave my "permission" for Sue to go on her date, and she realized it was a mistake, and so did I.

Here was an email she wrote me yesterday :

 

"I love you so much. You are everything that is good in my life... you bring meaning to the big AND the small things. I have a smile on the inside and the outside because of you. My heart loves to its full capacity because of you. I feel comforted to know that in this very large and often scary world that I am not so alone, because of you. I have love songs in my head and my heart because of you. I feel accepted for who I am because of you. I feel safe because of you. You are my sun, my moon, my stars, my ocean, the air that I breathe,,, my very life.

 

And so I wait.. because you are worth waiting for.. I wait for the next Skype, the next phone call, the next text, the next Yahoo, the next time I rush into your arms... always, I wait for you my love. I feel that although we are separated by distance, that we are much closer than most married couples. You really are my everything. "

 

 

SO - for those who think she does not love me that much, maybe she does?

 

I just hate myself for always thinking the worse any time she is "busy" now. That never happened before her date.

 

Her loving emails should be proof enough that I have nothing to worry about,

but I worry that because of my reaction of that one date - she will never be honest about other things that might happen in her life. She loves me, so she does not want to not hurt me. Does that make sense??

 

I guess I am trying to figure out how to stop thinking the worse when we lose contact with each other.

 

I hate thinking everything she says has a hidden secret, or she is not telling me the whole truth to spare my feelings.

 

Yes, its my fault for agreeing with her to go on the date - but like I said, the wave of negative feelings overwhelmed me so much I was sick to my stomach because of it. I made a mistake, WE made a mistake.

 

I just wanted advice as to how to stop all my doubts now somehow...there is no reason for them, but I cant shake them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon
I always feel bad that Sue has to be waiting for me, and I always told her that if she ever gets the opportunity and wants to try to date somebody, that she could. I am completely faithful to her. She did not date for 5 years before me, because she loves her independence and basically brought up her two daughters on her own.

Help!

 

Ok brother, I get your pain ...

 

A clue for me for why you are suffering lies in that paragraph quote. Let's go to basics here.

 

If I wanna date somebody, and I want to be with them, I FIERCELY AND PASSIONATELY do NOT want them to date someone else. If I wanna date someone and I want to be with them, then I do NOT tell them to think of dating someone else.

 

Despite what you may have thought, you were not being generous to her ... You were being abusive to yourself and to the relationship. What you have unintentionally done ... is to rip out the foundation ground on which you stand in this relationship ...

 

Think of it this way: The only way you could make an offer like that with integrity is if you did so in tears--heaping sobs and tears. I guarantee you didn't feel tears ... Most likely you felt numbness that you didn't identify. That numbness represents the death of those cells that tie you and her and allow you to feel secure and good about being with her.

 

You, like a lot of people, have probably made the mistake of using "niceness" and "selflessness" and "thinking about the other person first" as a dating strategy ... In other words, by making such a foolish offer to your gf, you thought you were winning brownie points of love.

 

Being nice doesn't work as a good emotional strategy for ourselves and it doesn't make us attractive to or more loved by our partners. Partners want us to fiercely care about them, fiercely stay connected to them. They want us to claim them and embrace them with passion and power.

 

Think about it: who the hell wants a friend (push aside lover) that would tell me it's OK for me to replace them as a friend ... because they feel bad for me that I don't get all I want out of our friendship.

 

I'm not going to think highly of such a friend. I'm gonna assume this friend is troubled, insecure, desperate, self-loathing, strange.

 

So there's no surprise that the date with cabbie threw you off and that you flipped. Her dating another (and announcing it to you) was a catastrophically dumb and destructive idea from the get-go! You flipped because you had no ground of security to stand on ... You had destroyed all the feelings of trust when you basically told her ... it's ok for you to betray me ... go ahead and tell me if you betray me. That's fine. I'll pretend I don't have a heart.

No it' s not fine. You have apparently embraced a twisted view of what it means to be kind and generous and loving and heroic ... There's probably some emotional neglect/ignoring stuff in your childhood.

 

You know, it's quite heroic to work on building an intimate, secure, loving, supportive relationship with a woman ... a relationship that helps both of you feel loved and supported and cared for--even when your walking down the street 1,300 miles from this person.

 

You cannot go on that mission and volunteer to be OK with her not going on the mission. You can't ... Not possible.

 

Time for you to order No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. A classic book for men acting like you're acting.

 

BTW, your gf is equally foolish to have gone out on a date ... There's something third-gradeish about not being able to tell someone you don't wanna go on a second date.

 

So ... you probably don't see this, but her refusal to tell the cabbie guy (the one she should NOT have gone out with in the first place!) that she wasn't interested in further dates ... and her unwillingness to call her afterwards and giving that task to you ... (I bet you volunteered didn't you? You don't have to answer that.) guaranteed that you were gonna feel jealous and afraid.

 

So you're right to not trust her ... If she has this much trouble saying "no" to guys ... then why would your nervous system be relaxed? ... I don't care how sweet she is. Sweet and kind women have affairs and cheat all the time.

 

These failures on her part dwarf the reassuring phone calls and words. Dwarfs them in significance. And your nervous system is tuned into this ...

 

Them is my thoughts. Now ... there is no way this is the first time you have done something like this ... made some impossibly heroic, self-rejecting offer as a show of love and concern. Can't be the first time ...

Edited by Lotsgoingon
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

She was wrong to ask for the date, but maybe this is just her way of saying that she doesn't dig being in a relationship with so much time apart. Maybe you two should see there might be a deeper message that can no longer be ignored. I'm not advising you to break up with her - that's your choice and I don't want to influence that. But sometimes, the truth is unkind.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The truth is she isn't as committed as you think she is.

 

If so why would she date?

 

You allowing it even telling her it's ok was a real bad idea unless you are dating too.

 

I doubt this will end well.

 

Most LDR don't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
doyathinkso

Here was an email she wrote me yesterday :

 

"I love you so much. You are everything that is good in my life... you bring meaning to the big AND the small things. I have a smile on the inside and the outside because of you. My heart loves to its full capacity because of you. I feel comforted to know that in this very large and often scary world that I am not so alone, because of you. I have love songs in my head and my heart because of you. I feel accepted for who I am because of you. I feel safe because of you. You are my sun, my moon, my stars, my ocean, the air that I breathe,,, my very life.

 

And so I wait.. because you are worth waiting for.. I wait for the next Skype, the next phone call, the next text, the next Yahoo, the next time I rush into your arms... always, I wait for you my love. I feel that although we are separated by distance, that we are much closer than most married couples. You really are my everything. "

 

 

 

 

Allow me to let you in on a little secret ...... TALK IS CHEAP!!!

 

Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do.

 

She is just stringing you along. You are Plan B.

 

Plan A is to get her naughty bits all tingly wherever and whenever she can with whoever she can while you simmer all dewy-eyed on the back burner at home.

 

Please don't fall for it anymore!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ever since I wrote my initial posting, I decided to come right out and TALK to Sue about my insecurities (what a concept, right??)

She insists I have nothing to worry about, and I know "talk is cheap" but I am starting to relax about things a bit more.

 

For whats its worth, and I did not say anything about this to begin with since I did not think it mattered - but Sue and I had a MFM 3some the last time she was up here. And there was no jealousy on my part or bad feelings actually "seeing" her having sex with another guy. (the other guy and I had no contact with each other...that was not what anybody wanted...lol)

But that was something Sue and I did and shared together as a couple.

Her one time date freaked me out probably because I could not "be there".

And Sue felt the same way....

 

She is going to come up here in August for awhile now instead of us waiting for me to go there in October. We need some "us" time.

And yes, we have talked about getting in touch with the MFM guy again - but she says thats up to me.

 

Just odd that seeing her "male love" to anther man was fine - but her dinner date got me so upset. Would the date been less upsetting to me if I was down there at the time? Who knows...

 

It IS tough being so far away.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon

So you had a threesome ... you wanted that, I assume or did she want that? One of you raised the idea first before both of you embraced it.

 

Let's assume you wanted the threesome. Quite generous of you to go the MFM route. Most men desire the other pairing.

 

So ... I still don't get why you told her she should be OK with going out with someone else? What's in that for you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The 3some was something we mutually agreed to. We were talking about fantasies, that was her top fantasy, so we made it happen.

I dont have the confidence enough for a FMF 3some..lol...but this was just fine. Honestly, to see how much fun Sue was having, to have twice the attention given to her and 2 of everything else - it was awesome to see her

so aroused for so long!

 

Why did I agree to her date? hmmmmm.....

I got bashed for this, but it did really come down to me feeling bad that she is always waiting for me. Sue was in a car accident, I could not be there for her, and this guy was.

I figured if I can handle another guy having sex with her right in front of me, I could handle her on a date when I was not around.

I was wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
The 3some was something we mutually agreed to. We were talking about fantasies, that was her top fantasy, so we made it happen.

I dont have the confidence enough for a FMF 3some..lol...but this was just fine. Honestly, to see how much fun Sue was having, to have twice the attention given to her and 2 of everything else - it was awesome to see her

so aroused for so long!

 

Why did I agree to her date? hmmmmm.....

I got bashed for this, but it did really come down to me feeling bad that she is always waiting for me. Sue was in a car accident, I could not be there for her, and this guy was.

I figured if I can handle another guy having sex with her right in front of me, I could handle her on a date when I was not around.

I was wrong.

 

 

As you've learned, these are two totally different balls of wax. The former was just about sex. The latter was about searching for a new boyfriend, opening the door to finding someone she might leave you for.

 

I cannot fathom why she had you call this other man. That is absurd. She needs a backbone and to sort out her own messes. You need to not enable her that way.

 

Personally, I think her actions speak a lot louder than her words here. She is telling you all kinds of sweet things now, but at the end of the day, she was still curious enough to step outside your relationship and see if there might be a man out there she liked more than you.

 

Moving forward, if you decide to stay (which I still think you need to reconsider) you are going to have to draw some firm boundaries, clearly communicate what your needs and expectations are, and learn to manage your own anxiety. You either trust her or you don't. Right now, you don't. It's clear you want to, but if you did, this post wouldn't exist. Only time is going to tell you if you can trust her to not be scoping out other possible dates. And you two need find a way to close the distance. This won't work otherwise.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon

People recovering from a major car accident need:

 

1. practical help ... errands, food, help getting around house, etc.

 

&

 

2 ... emotional help ... someone to listen to them ... occasional visits ... lots of phone calls ...

 

Dating someone other than your bf does not address practical needs or emotional needs.

 

New partners aren't close enough to go visit people every day in a situation like this ... that's too much intimacy and intensity and commitment too son.

 

New partners aren't close enough to perform the emotional supportive need.

 

But please say more, I'm baffled.

 

I sense you are are a good guy who is trying really hard ... but there are some glitches here ... You seem to be over-thinking things and skipping past the good answers to confusing answers ...

 

I'm about to undergo major surgery, and about 15 years ago, a close friend underwent major surgery ... Dating was not a priority. Once thing people do NOT have in recovering from an injury is open, new-dating energy.

 

So ... did you feel really guilty that you weren't around ... while her family or friends were around to help her through recovery? ... So this guilt triggered some kinda of feeling that you needed to go an extra step in encouraging her to date someone else?

 

I think I see the logic here ... and your decency ... but most likely, you gave her a ton of emotional support by phone.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Her accident was more upsetting than anything....she did not have to go to the hospital, but did miss about a month of work because of her neck and back. The other driver had to be airlifted from the scene, so it was very traumatic all the way around.

The guy, Brad, stayed with her for over 2 hours and made sure she got home safe. And then when she realized she left her purse in his car, he drove the 3 hours back just to bring it to her. He is a nice guy, and I could tell that just by talking to him. So, yeah, maybe part of me felt he deserved a date with Sue. And yes - he was there when I was not so maybe that was my crazy way to make up for it.

 

Sue was upset, we had not even each other in awhile, she was vulnerable, so when he asked her out she said yes. But - she called me to tell me to see how I felt about it.

 

I guess if I would have said "no" - she probably would not have gone.

 

But, I do feel bad that she is always waiting for our "next time". Brad would never take my place, but somehow I felt she could be social with another guy.

Eventually she would have to tell him about me since we will be living together for 3 months next year - and even Brad said when I talked to him that it would not work out because of me.

 

Someone wrote how bad it was that Sue made me call him. It was something we talked about and I volunteered to do. At least if Brad talked to me, he would know I am "real" and not just an excuse for Sue not to go on another date with him, right? And we did have a nice talk.

It was funny....he said over and over about how they only kissed once - and I told him that was fine. I think he wanted me to know that nothing more happened.

 

We just booked her flights for August - we are both happy we dont have to wait until October. But, since she is coming her - we talked about called the 3some guy again.

Its just so odd that I have no problem "sharing" her body - but not share her with Brad!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm seeing this as a sign that the relationship is not meeting her needs. What has stopped you from closing the distance much sooner?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I just bought a house where I live right before we started dating. I probably have 2 more years to go and improvements to do on the house to do before I sell.

We are thinking in 2-3 years I should be able to move by her - or in with her hopefully.

 

She is out right now having dinner and then maybe a movie with a girlfriend.

Why do I have that sick feeling in my stomach again ugggg

 

But she already sent me a couple hearts via text to let me know she is thinking about me. awwww

 

 

I worry too much!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon

I disagree ...

 

I think you worry because you have undermined the elements and expectations of a relationship that would allow you to feel secure. Your nervous system held off the alarm for a while ... but the alarm has been triggered ... big time triggered.

 

Ninety nine percent of the most confident guys in the world would worry and feel insecure if they encouraged their gf to date someone ... and then their gf took them up on the offer.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
Link to post
Share on other sites
I just bought a house where I live right before we started dating. I probably have 2 more years to go and improvements to do on the house to do before I sell.

We are thinking in 2-3 years I should be able to move by her - or in with her hopefully.

 

Given that cracks are starting to appear already, do you really think that prioritising the house over your relationship is really wise?

 

Would you suffer much loss if you sold the house now?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I would lose a lot if i sell now - Sue and I are both willing to wait.

I also have my mother that lives near me who is not doing well heath-wise, so I simply cant leave at this point.

 

We have made it work really well for the past couple years...it's just the one mistake we made (her date) that has been the only issue.

And its mostly my reaction TO the date that made things bad, and I am mad at myself for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
I would lose a lot if i sell now - Sue and I are both willing to wait.

I also have my mother that lives near me who is not doing well heath-wise, so I simply cant leave at this point.

 

We have made it work really well for the past couple years...it's just the one mistake we made (her date) that has been the only issue.

And its mostly my reaction TO the date that made things bad, and I am mad at myself for that.

 

But OP, it's a big issue. You two shook the very foundation of your relationship by making that choice, and you have seen that the emotional fall-out is severe.

 

You feel sick when she's out because, well, you know she toys with boundaries too. I think you're right to be worried, honestly. Obviously the coping with distance is difficult for her, and you say it will be at least 2 or 3 more years before you can close that distance. That's a long time. She managed to get herself a date before, and I don't see what would stop her from doing this again if she meets an interesting guy. Sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think we learned from that "mistake", and it wont happen again.

We toyed with our boundaries - and it was wrong.

Sue has no interest in dating anyone else she says - and I know better now than to give my permission for it.

 

I just have to learn to relax more when she is out, and not always assume the worse. Just not sure how to do that yet!

 

Someone also wondered if I worry about her seeing the 3some guy sometime without me. And even though they connected very well in bed, he lives near me so there is no temptation for Sue to try to contact him.

And I do trust she would never do that anyhow - that was something we did as a couple - it was an "us" thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
doyathinkso

Frankly you lost me when you talked about your girlfriend's threesome and how you got off on seeing her being f*cked by another guy.

 

I find this attitude to be pathetic and leaves me wondering how bored some kids get when they are on summer break.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think I mentioned before....the 3some was something we did as a couple. It was an experience for "us". She got to live out a fantasy that few women get the opportunity to.

 

I had no control over the date and what may or may not happen. I had to basically sit on the sidelines and wait for the call when it was over.. It was a long evening!

It would be one thing if I was there, and she came home and I could see her, kiss her, hold her, and know that we are still fine.

 

This long distance thing does suck.

 

One of the last responses called us "kids"....lol.....we are in our 40s. Have not been called a kid in a long time!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...