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I flew long distance to meet with a girl that I met on a dating website


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 1st March 2018, 6:23 PM   #1
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I flew long distance to meet with a girl that I met on a dating website

Good people of the Interwebs, I need your perspective and perhaps a splash of cold water to the face.

TL;DR: I very recently flew a long distance to meet a girl in the US. I am from Ireland. I am now back home. It didn't exactly go to plan; now I am left unsure where I stand, I am confused. I am broken-hearted, and just down-right devastated. I need to understand if I did anything wrong, or why it has turned out this way. I need to see if there is anything I could or should be doing. I need perspective to try and learn from this.

I'll try to keep this concise, as I tend to ramble on, but I need to give as much context too, so kindly bear with me.

We met online via a dating website. We hit it off instantly. Similiar interests, want's, and need's from life. We both found each other attractive ( at least that is what I thought at the time ) We shared many photos with each other; we talked for two hours a night either via video call or just a regular phone call. We had a deep connection. We talked about marriage, kids, the real deal. We talked about potentially one of us emigrating to be with the other. It got so far that we had to decide on "what next," so, we mutually agreed that I should fly over to meet her in person. I booked the flights, and we were both as excited as each other in anticipation. Daily messages stating "only so many days until you come over etc."

I poured my heart and soul into it. Perhaps I was foolish to do that, but I wear my heart on my sleeve 100% of the time, I am very emotional and consider myself to be a real empath. It's who I am, and I cannot help it, as hard as I try and restrain myself, my emotions take over.

We had ourselves together before we even met, I was in Love, and so was she.

She met me at the airport. She greeted me with the best hug ever.
We spent the night together at my hotel. Though, we just slept as I had been traveling for +24hrs due to flight delays. It was a mutual decision not to have sex immediately (at least that is what I had understood it to be) All fine.

The next Morning we woke up, we had breakfast, and we went to visit the local "tourist attractions" - we hung out and held hands. Still all great.

When we got back to the hotel, we were laying on the bed together.

She went to the bathroom, came back, and then landed me with, out of nowhere: "I am not attracted to you."

As we had such a fantastic night/morning and all was going well, I was immediately brought in to shock, and it turned my world upside down. So many questions. I just did not (and still do not) understand it (I will explain why as I go on).

She packed up her things and went within 10 Minutes of saying that to me. I think I was so stunned at the time and was not expecting it, that I did not process it until after she had left. I never really got to ask "why" - I never got to understand her thought process and I am hurting so bad.

Here's why; I never once lied about who I was, what I looked like or anything else for that matter. We exchanged an extensive range of photos with each other; She knew what I looked like (from every angle if you get what I mean!) - We video talked every night. She saw who I was. Never once did she give any indication of not being attracted to me, in fact, the complete opposite. She always told me how handsome and attractive I was, how much she loved me and how I was "the best thing to ever happen to her" - I never had any reservations about her, and she never indicated hers to me either before I came over. Not once.

I am completely emotionally invested in her; I flew 3,500 miles and 24hrs to see her. I spent a significant sum of money to do all that (I don't care about the money, just giving weight to the situation)

Why tell me she loves me so many times? Why tell me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her? Why greet me with the most fantastic hug ever? Why sleep in the same bed as me? Why all of these things if she didn't feel attracted to me?!

All of this was within 12 hours of meeting her. I was still going to be in town for a couple of days.

She later got in contact with me (the next day) and told me how sorry she was, and asked if I would like to hang out and meet her son. I, of course, jumped at the opportunity because I am still deeply in love with her and was all alone at the time, it was her I wanted to be with, so that solved the immediate problem at the time.

She greeted me with a hug and a kiss. We talked about everything. She explained some things about her past and trust issues she has with men. She apologized profusely. She said she was just scared.

We spent the remainder of my time there hanging out. We went and explored her hometown, we went to Museums, we went swimming. I have grown a soft-spot for her son too; he adored me also.

We left my time with her well; we said that we would keep in contact, that she would continue video calling me and that we would plan a trip for me to take them to Ireland.

As soon as I left for the airport, this is where her vague messages and one line answers began. I felt like I was being ghosted and still do, though she is still keeping in contact, I am driving the conversation(s). She is barely talking to me. When I ask her "whats up" or "What's going on here." she does not answer or just deflects. You have to remember that she did not give any indication to this before, and before we met, we would send 100's of messages to one another each day, so this was strange.

I just don't know what is going on. I feel like dying. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.

I had watched my Father pass away in 2016, and my Grandmother in August last, among many other Family members over the years; I thought I had experienced all of the crappy feelings in this world, I thought I was capable of dealing with the depth of emotions; evidently not.

Help.
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Old 1st March 2018, 6:40 PM   #2
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Ufff, I am really really sorry you are going through this, it must be such a shock!

But unfortunately, I do not think your story is too unique when it comes to online romances.

The truth is, even with video chat, even with hours upon hours of correspondance - you really do not know someone until you stand in front of them face to face.

Often times, our minds, in the excitement, in the hormone rush of new love, paint a picture which is not reality. We idealize things. We ignore little signs.

We get lost in a fantasty.

It sounds like she fell in love with the imaginary you she created in her head - not the flesh and blood you (which she had never met before)!

There are so many things that play into attraction. The way someone walks, their body language, their pheromones. Things that can not be conveyed through a screen.
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Old 1st March 2018, 7:24 PM   #3
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Alas this is the exact reason why we tell people nothing is real until you meet. You were in love with who you thought she was, not who she actually is. She may have said she loved you too never thinking you would actually come to the US. When you showed up she spent the say with you which gave you false hope but then she told you her reaction to you in person. The small silver lining is she told you to your face & didn't leave you guessing.

I am so sorry you are hurting but you have to get it through your head that it was an illusion. Hopefully that will help you heal faster.

For what little it's worth, my condolences on the deaths of your family members.
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:45 PM   #4
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I'm really sorry you're hurting so bad. I am old and not doing OLD or video chatting, and I've always wondered if video chat can truly give you the person's essence like being in person. Apparently not. There is still that in-person communication that can't be conveyed, how a person moves, how confident they seem, how they go about touching, etc.

Truth is it's certainly best to video chat before meeting because then you can see the person to see if they are attractive physically to you, but I guess there's still that certain face-to-face chemistry that can fail in person.

I haven't had that experience, but I did get close to someone some years ago just as a friend and we had a good online rapport, but boy, in person, he was so nervous. And we were just being friends (he was gay). It wasn't very comfortable. He seemed intimidated, and I was on his turf. He was from Bath. I guess even video chat is still limited somewhat.

I mean, she came right out and said she wasn't attracted to you. I only hope she wasn't a flirt just enjoying attention online who never had any serious intent. I imagine she was a scared because it was probably obvious you were more invested and more serious about moving than she was. She does have a child, so things are more complicated for her, after all. She probably realized you were really invested and serious and realized she wasn't really serious and wasn't about to make a seachange in her life for you. That's my best guess.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe it would be best now to just date locally. It's so much less complicated, isn't it? And Irish girls are gorgeous!
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Old 2nd March 2018, 12:28 AM   #5
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So she tells you she's not attracted to you, then takes it back the next day and explains she has trust issues with men and lied because she was scared?

This woman sounds emotionally unavailable. She is in love with the fantasy of having a man, not actually having a man. Yes, I agree that you don't know true chemistry until you're face-to-face, but since she retracted what she initially said and then expounded upon her issues, I have a feeling you are dealing with someone who is scared of intimacy, consciously or subconsciously. The internet is the perfect place for these people to carry on elaborate emotional affairs that act as a distraction, only to pull away when they're faced with real life.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But realize it very likely had nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with her state of mind.

Also, my American mom would like to know where this hot Irish man is now. Haha.

Last edited by healing light; 2nd March 2018 at 12:30 AM..
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Old 2nd March 2018, 4:26 AM   #6
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This is why you should never invest in an idea of a person. You both got caught up in a fantasy and got far too ahead of yourselves. There should have been zero talking of emigrating, marriage and kids until you'd spent substantial time together in person. I know it's easy to get carried away but this is the precisely the risk you take when building up a relationship with a person you have never met offline.

Chatting and sending photos just isn't the same as in-person contact and real chemistry. One can find photos very attractive but just not feel it when the person is actually in front of you. It can't always be explained logically. I have no doubt that hurt a lot, but if she felt she couldn't continue, it was better for her to be honest and tell you that.

I am sorry this happened, in any case. She is not the one for you and you would be best to let her go. Easier said than done, I know. But her fading contact is a reflection of her overall interest in this relationship.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 9:24 AM   #7
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Might be why l read so many guys talking about her coming to him instead of him going to her.
Can't trust them.

But l'm sorry it turned out the way it did it's a pretty rough blow . She sounds pretty messed up to me though l'm sorry to say. Even the way she tells you that that night next wants you to meet her son. You should've have even been meeting her son so soon anyway let along day or 2 after telling you she's out.

As far as any attraction yeah , unfortunately all the skyping in the world just can't even compare to even a few minutes in real life side by side.
But really , who wouldn't go and meet with all the flames you had like that it's a no brainer next step but unfortunately yeah , might still be there or it might not sadly.

Really sorry it didn't work out but all you can do is let it go from here as l don't think you could trust any contact with her now to mean too much even if she does keep in touch.
Not in the way you'd like anyway.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:39 PM   #8
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I'm very sorry that this has happened to you, but you learned a valuable lesson...

Online interactions create a false sense of intimacy, you feel like you know someone although you really don't... because you have never met in real life.

You got caught up in the fantasy. The truth is, if you had lived in the same city you would maybe have invested a few hours of your time before she decided that it wasn't what she wanted... no harm done.

Go out with your mates and have a pint. Your love will come along someday. I admire your willingness to take a risk.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 12:05 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by RomanticEmpath View Post

I just don't know what is going on. I feel like dying. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
I'm so sorry .

It doesn't help you feel better, but SO much of attraction is what happens when two people are actually in physical proximity to each other. It does seem surprising since you did video chat, but maybe even that didn't give her a good enough idea, or maybe she was "hoping" if she saw "red flags" (with regard to attraction) on video chat, that once she was with you in person it wouldn't actually be true.

It doesn't mean you're unattractive or undesirable. It just means that there is something missing for HER. For this one human being. Most of the time it is something so little and so minor that would mean nothing to you, but for someone else they just are put off by it, maybe even by association with a prior experience. (For example, I'll never date anyone with the name "AAA" or "BBB" for personal reasons no matter how amazing they are, but she may have issues with someone with a colic in their hair or a mole on their right hand....with no rhyme or reason......to YOU).

Sorry this happened to you .
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:03 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Ufff, I am really really sorry you are going through this, it must be such a shock!

But unfortunately, I do not think your story is too unique when it comes to online romances.

The truth is, even with video chat, even with hours upon hours of correspondance - you really do not know someone until you stand in front of them face to face.

Often times, our minds, in the excitement, in the hormone rush of new love, paint a picture which is not reality. We idealize things. We ignore little signs.

We get lost in a fantasty.

It sounds like she fell in love with the imaginary you she created in her head - not the flesh and blood you (which she had never met before)!

There are so many things that play into attraction. The way someone walks, their body language, their pheromones. Things that can not be conveyed through a screen.
Thank you for your reply, your perspective is much appreciated. I understand what you are getting at, it's just that I totally fell in love with her and my feelings in person were even stronger for her. That's whats killing me the most - thanks again.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:06 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Alas this is the exact reason why we tell people nothing is real until you meet. You were in love with who you thought she was, not who she actually is. She may have said she loved you too never thinking you would actually come to the US. When you showed up she spent the say with you which gave you false hope but then she told you her reaction to you in person. The small silver lining is she told you to your face & didn't leave you guessing.

I am so sorry you are hurting but you have to get it through your head that it was an illusion. Hopefully that will help you heal faster.

For what little it's worth, my condolences on the deaths of your family members.
Thank you for your kind words and perspective. I do agree for the most part, that you do not know if these things are going to work in person until you actually meet. It's just that I totally fell in love with her and my feelings were only stronger in person.

Thank you for your kind words about my Family members, sorry, I wasn't actually fishing for condolences on that one, I was just trying to put some weight behind how I am feeling right now.

Thanks again <3
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:09 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I'm really sorry you're hurting so bad. I am old and not doing OLD or video chatting, and I've always wondered if video chat can truly give you the person's essence like being in person. Apparently not. There is still that in-person communication that can't be conveyed, how a person moves, how confident they seem, how they go about touching, etc.

Truth is it's certainly best to video chat before meeting because then you can see the person to see if they are attractive physically to you, but I guess there's still that certain face-to-face chemistry that can fail in person.

I haven't had that experience, but I did get close to someone some years ago just as a friend and we had a good online rapport, but boy, in person, he was so nervous. And we were just being friends (he was gay). It wasn't very comfortable. He seemed intimidated, and I was on his turf. He was from Bath. I guess even video chat is still limited somewhat.

I mean, she came right out and said she wasn't attracted to you. I only hope she wasn't a flirt just enjoying attention online who never had any serious intent. I imagine she was a scared because it was probably obvious you were more invested and more serious about moving than she was. She does have a child, so things are more complicated for her, after all. She probably realized you were really invested and serious and realized she wasn't really serious and wasn't about to make a seachange in her life for you. That's my best guess.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe it would be best now to just date locally. It's so much less complicated, isn't it? And Irish girls are gorgeous!

Thank you very much for your kind, thoughtful words, and perspective, it really has helped a lot.

The thing is, the dating website I signed up to had my location in Dublin, Ireland and she reached out to me! - It was meant to be.

<3
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:11 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by healing light View Post
So she tells you she's not attracted to you, then takes it back the next day and explains she has trust issues with men and lied because she was scared?

This woman sounds emotionally unavailable. She is in love with the fantasy of having a man, not actually having a man. Yes, I agree that you don't know true chemistry until you're face-to-face, but since she retracted what she initially said and then expounded upon her issues, I have a feeling you are dealing with someone who is scared of intimacy, consciously or subconsciously. The internet is the perfect place for these people to carry on elaborate emotional affairs that act as a distraction, only to pull away when they're faced with real life.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But realize it very likely had nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with her state of mind.

Also, my American mom would like to know where this hot Irish man is now. Haha.
Thank you for some good perspective, and kind words! - I appreciate your thoughts on the situation. It would certainly seem this way, but I care for her so much that I want to help her :'(

hahaha - I am sitting back in Ireland, sobbing over my keyboard, like the emotional mess I am !! (true story)
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:12 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
This is why you should never invest in an idea of a person. You both got caught up in a fantasy and got far too ahead of yourselves. There should have been zero talking of emigrating, marriage and kids until you'd spent substantial time together in person. I know it's easy to get carried away but this is the precisely the risk you take when building up a relationship with a person you have never met offline.

Chatting and sending photos just isn't the same as in-person contact and real chemistry. One can find photos very attractive but just not feel it when the person is actually in front of you. It can't always be explained logically. I have no doubt that hurt a lot, but if she felt she couldn't continue, it was better for her to be honest and tell you that.

I am sorry this happened, in any case. She is not the one for you and you would be best to let her go. Easier said than done, I know. But her fading contact is a reflection of her overall interest in this relationship.
Thank you for some good perspective - it has certainly helped hearing other people opinions and stories <3
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:14 PM   #15
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Might be why l read so many guys talking about her coming to him instead of him going to her.
Can't trust them.

But l'm sorry it turned out the way it did it's a pretty rough blow . She sounds pretty messed up to me though l'm sorry to say. Even the way she tells you that that night next wants you to meet her son. You should've have even been meeting her son so soon anyway let along day or 2 after telling you she's out.

As far as any attraction yeah , unfortunately all the skyping in the world just can't even compare to even a few minutes in real life side by side.
But really , who wouldn't go and meet with all the flames you had like that it's a no brainer next step but unfortunately yeah , might still be there or it might not sadly.

Really sorry it didn't work out but all you can do is let it go from here as l don't think you could trust any contact with her now to mean too much even if she does keep in touch.
Not in the way you'd like anyway.
Thank you; The difficult thing is that, even after all of these things considered, I still care for her deeply and I want to help her with her issues so bad. I just feel this connection to her so bad <3
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