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Going crazy with my fresh LDR


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 23rd December 2017, 6:56 PM   #1
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Going crazy with my fresh LDR

Intro:
She's 29 experimented with both LDRs and relationships in general, although she's single since past years, and only tried short relations lately.
She's independent, strong, and pretty much made peace with her being alone for the rest of her life. ( i'm exaggerating a bit here )

I'm 29 years also, never had a LDR, and only had some short relationships lately. ( late bloomer )
I'm pretty paranoid, and i have the tendency to overthink things.

Let's say that we're "together" since 1 month ago ( plus some 1 month and a half of exclusive online chat ). Even though she doesn't consider us a couple, and me neither because we only say each other
around 8 times altogether.

I did put a lot of effort into it, invested a lot of time and stress. She also did some compromises but here is what is see.

First problem:
Two weeks ago she had a theater night and a party planned with her friends, and she preferred to find another excuse about her why i could we see each other only for one night in that weekend. She preferred to say she will run late after running some family errand, and i didn't insisted.

How i see this: she didn't want me to go with her and her friends, because was too early at that moment. She wasn't there with other guy, i've seen some pictures.

Second problem:
On 22 December she told me that she will go on a trip with her friends from 27 Dec to 3 January. Even tough she knew she will go since 18th of December, but she didn't told me until i've explicitly asked "when i will see yo again ?". So she was somehow sad for me because is keeping me outside. But she told me on a cold tone "we don't have friends in common, let's keep is separate this year !"
In my opinion, if she wanted to spend time with me, she could join the trip from 30 Dec to 3 January, or something, and spend 3 days with me. She reacted very aggressive when i told her this, she said "i make plans for me, not for us". Like "we" don't exist.

Third problem:
Apparently she won't spend the Christmas Eve with her parents, nor the night before, but she refused to spend them with me ! She only accepted the night from 22 to 23. She indeed told me now that she will be home these two nights, she didn't hide it, didn't lied about it.

Forth problem:

She could propose to stay together for 22,23,24 if she's alone, keeping in mind that we didn't saw each-other in the past 14 days !!!!!!
Could be because she's on her period ? As she says ... if true.

Questions:

a) She's just keeping it separate because we have a young relation plus the fact she's used to being alone ?
b) She has other guy who ****s her.
c) any others ideas ?

Last edited by ReallyNaiveGuy; 23rd December 2017 at 7:09 PM..
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Old 24th December 2017, 12:48 AM   #2
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You've been "dating" for one month... way to early to be spending time together during the holidays or traveling. You are too over invested in this relationship and really overthinking this.

It doesn't sound like she is very committed to this relationship, and why should she be - it's only been a month. She should be living her life with her friends. She is not obligated to spend time with you. If you pressure her, she's going to walk away.

And no, the reason why she doesn't want to see you during the holidays is probably not because she has her period. As a woman, I can pretty much guarantee you that.

Last edited by BaileyB; 24th December 2017 at 1:17 AM..
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Old 24th December 2017, 3:57 AM   #3
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She sounds perfectly normal to me.

You've been dating a month so it's very early days especially with an LDR where you don't have multiple opportunities per week to spend time with each other and get to know each other.

People have plans all over the Christmas and New Year and you shouldn't be wanting her to cancel plans.
There's also a lot of preparation which goes into Christmas for everyone, gift buying and wrapping takes a hell of a chunk of time for one. I wouldn't want a new date around when I'm doing all of that. It would slow me down or stop me from focusing on what I needed to do.

You need to wait until this time is over and see how things pan out afterwards but if you are paranoid and over think like you say then LDRs are not at all the best choice for you.
Your paranoia is likely to smother her and you're likely to want to control her, isolate her from friends and family or start accusing her of cheating - and you're already thinking all these things. - that's not healthy.

Wish her well, tell her to have a great time and get on with your own life until you see her again if you haven't already freaked her out.
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Old 24th December 2017, 9:38 AM   #4
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You are getting way ahead of yourself.

You have only been together for 1 month. She owes you nothing at the holidays & it's completely unrealistic for you to expect her to delay a trip to be with you.

How far away are you? The fact that you have the ability to see each other routinely indicates to me that it's not a real LDR. To me such a relationship is defined as more than 4 hours apart.

Two weeks ago you two had only been together for 2 weeks. You are being pushy to say she needs to introduce you to her friends & family that early.

Starting a relationship at the holidays is tough. The time of year magnifies the significance of everything so she's keeping you at arm's length. IMO that is smart. She doesn't want to move too fast. See how January goes. If you still feel like an afterthought, then end the relationship.
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Old 27th December 2017, 5:17 PM   #5
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Ooook. I've calmed down !
She promised me a on 23th Dec that on 3th January she will be mine, because she saw me very sad !
But guess what she said Today ?!

She told me very chill that she will be back on 4th or even 5th of January.
She knew that since 23th Dec i cannot wait to see her !

Why is she doing this ? Doesn't this look a bit narcissistic to you ? ( she kinda is based on her social media selfies ).
She calls me everyday, even via Video Calls, but she never says back "i miss you too".

Is this a case of narcissism ?
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Old 27th December 2017, 5:21 PM   #6
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Not narcissism in the slightest. It's a woman trying to get an overly dramatic clingy guy to calm down before she has to dump him entirely.

Chill out. You are pushing & demanding & wanting & it's all so very draining & unattractive. If you don't back off, you will lose her.

She's enjoying her trip & has the life flexibility to extend the trip. Don't take that away from her.
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Old 27th December 2017, 6:20 PM   #7
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Everything looks normal, to my mind, also taking into the account the period of time you know each other. I believe we cannot own the other person and in real relationship, things will go right. Actually, they go right and there is no need to worry at all. If only I had any communication in my LD relationship, not to even dream about every day calling, what a paradise it would be.
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Old 27th December 2017, 6:23 PM   #8
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You've been dating for one month!

It's not normal to profess feelings, tell a guy that you miss him, or anything else after one month. You are literally, virtual strangers still.

Your anxious, entitled, and pushy behavior would be such a turn off for me. As an example, she didn"t promise "to be yours" on the third, she said she would have some time to see you.

I'm telling you, continue with these very demanding expectations and she will never want to "be yours." Chill out!
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Old 28th December 2017, 2:07 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReallyNaiveGuy View Post
Ooook. I've calmed down !
She promised me a on 23th Dec that on 3th January she will be mine, because she saw me very sad !
But guess what she said Today ?!

She told me very chill that she will be back on 4th or even 5th of January.
She knew that since 23th Dec i cannot wait to see her !

Why is she doing this ? Doesn't this look a bit narcissistic to you ? ( she kinda is based on her social media selfies ).
She calls me everyday, even via Video Calls, but she never says back "i miss you too".

Is this a case of narcissism ?
I thought you said you'd calmed down. None of the bold part implies that you've calmed down.

She has extended her trip, it's not narcissistic.

You really need to get some help, some therapy before you think about dating someone.
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Old 28th December 2017, 2:28 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReallyNaiveGuy View Post
[B]
I did put a lot of effort into it, invested a lot of time and stress.
Dude, this is your first problem - relationships shouldn't be about stress, and worry, and NAGGING her about her schedule. You lack of experience is showing loud and clear.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReallyNaiveGuy View Post
Is this a case of narcissism ?
Nope, not at all. This is a case of insecurity and not understanding how to conduct yourself in the early stages of a relationship.

Let me fill you in on a few things. When you first start to date someone, you don't parade them around all your friends. They don't get included in family functions - Why? Because the odds of it working out in the long run are slim. You don't want your friends asking about "what happened to that guy you brought out last week"

If I understand your post correctly, you were wanting to be included after just two weeks of dating... did you say you have met face to face 8 times now?

Pump the brakes. No reason to get so invested, no reason to be so stressed out R E L A X. Few things are more unattractive than an anxious man.

Curious.. you said this was long distance - how long of a distance?
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Old 1st January 2018, 4:40 PM   #11
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I am aware that i have some issues and i'm trying to work on them. I think the most important is that i'm aware of them.
I've only mentioned her to my mother and to few of my closest friends ( because they knew i was chasing her for a while. ), but they know to little details.

I didn't claimed i needed her to invite me along and introduce me to the close group and extended group ( around 30 person around New Years Eve ), i've only said it would have been nice to
cut down 1-2 days because her trip was anyway modular. It had 3 days pre "New Years Eve Cabin Party" and now it seems it will have around 1-2-3 days post party.

It just looked narcisistic because even tough we've only seen eachother 1 day after a gap of 14 days, she prefered to attend take the long version of the trip and add another 14 days to our next encounter.
Believe, i've saw how close is she to some of her friend from her stories and pics, i'm trying to be cerebral ! I know and i'm aware she likes being with them more than with me.


Some questions about our interactions since she left on her trip:
- we are only chatting for 2-3 minutes per day: morning / good night and we eventually send 1-2 pics relevant to our daily activies
- she called me once
- i've called her once during 31 Dec, because i didn't want to disturb her after immediately after 00:00, but i've called her anyways after 00:00 again

Basically i don't chat with her too much and i don't call often her because i imagine she's spending time with her friends etc.
Is this ok ?


I'm not of a drama queen on the subject, but i pretty much like her, and i'm afraid of losing her, that's why i'm slowing down things, chillax ... let her do her thing.
I want to be as mature and cerebral as possible ! Is hard because the lack of experience. I just don't want her to make a jest of me !
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Old 5th January 2018, 10:21 AM   #12
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Today on the 5th she came back to her town from the trip.
I've didn't even ask her this days:
- are you coming today or tomorrow ( on the 5th ) ?!
- today i've only wished her safe trip back home, i didn't mention that i want to see her ASAP !!!

I think she knows i want to see her.
I think, probably, she wants to see me also.

Maybe i will ask her tonight after she gets out of work, i she wants to spend the Saturday night together.

In the past 32 days we've seen each other only 1 night ... so.

So, question.
I did good not pressure her and not remembering her that she promised the 3rd, then maybe 4th, and she came on the 5th but to be honest there are slim changes for tomorrow ?

There is a 2 hour drive between us, so is not easy for neither of us.

Last edited by ReallyNaiveGuy; 5th January 2018 at 10:25 AM..
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