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Huge depression...

Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:48 AM   #1
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Unhappy Huge depression...

Hey everyone. This is a desperate person looking for someone to talk to.

I met this man 5 months ago. I'm 23 and he is 30. I met him and it was.. Magical. Love at first sight. He was so loving, sensitive, caring and so into me. I fell even harder for him from the way he treats me to the efforts he used to put in the relationship.
Since the start, I knew I shouldn't love him, I shouldn't start a thing like that, but sometimes when the heart wants, we switche off our minds. In fact, he is separated man ( for a year and a half), with a young 5 years old girl. In the start, I had my doubts. But he was always assuring me that he is ready to move on, to date, to be in a relationship, that he can't live with his wife, that life with her is impossible. He was assuring me all the time that he is so into me. I don't doubt that he had feelings for me. There are sme things in this life you can't fake.
The first 2 months and a half were.. Pure magic. Fireworks all over the place. He would spend the late night hours speaking to me on the phone, despite the long hours of work ( 8 h per day). He would take holidays and come see me since we don't live in the same town, with 400 km of distance ( we met in my hometown). He would surprise me for no reason and put all the effort any girl would like her significant other to put in a relationship. But things changed. He started to call less. Text less. Visit me less. And most of all , love less. He started to spend more of his time alone. It felt like, all his feelings were switched off for some reason. That was my hell. And it was only getting worse. I would try to make him tell me what is wrong and all he says is "I'm feeling guilt. I don't deserve this.". He wouldn't open up more. I was seeing him suffering and unable to ease his pain in anyway. He would hug me now, but the next min he would move away with uncomprehendingly poker face. And leaves. I would leave my work and go spend the weekend with him in his place trying to cheer him up with romantic dinners and calm music, or comedy movies, or sex. But it seemed to only work for like.. 1 hour.. And then his mood changes again and all he wants to do is stay alone, starring at the wall, drinking jack Daniel. I would hug him, kiss him, but he asks me to leave him alone, begs me to let him sit on the couch and go sit on the other. It was.. Painful. No one wants to be treated that way from the person they truly care about. It was like that for 1 more month. Pain and huge distance between us, and what added the salt on the wound is his separate wife non stoppable tears begging him to go back to her, to his family. Using his weakness point, his daughter that he loves so dearly. She would tell him how his daughter is sad about her dad being always away. And what I always knew would happen one day but begged God not to did actually happen, he broke up with me. Over a text when he was out of the country for work.
It was the most painful thing I had to deal with. And still dealing with. 6 weeks have passed and the pain doesn't seem to get any less. I cry day and night. Sober or drunk. I REALLY care for him. I don't know if I can call it love, but if the thing that kills you and devour your rests when your partner leaves isn't love, I don't know what the hell is. Post breakup, we had few talks, all started by him, short ones that say directly or indirectly that he misses me a lot, and that I didn't respond very nicely too since I was really hurt and broken. Till the day he removed me from all social media and cut all contact, suddenly. Not talking to him was driving me insane. I would do everything, go on dates, go out with friends, buy new expensive clothes, go party every night, but everytime I end up crying, in a coffee shop, in a bar, on a date... Until 2 days ago, when I couldn't take it anymore. I sent him a long email, telling him how much he broke my heart, and that I don't seem to forget him. How my life is making no sense. It was a sad email mixed with blame. I blamed him for everything. And he responded saying he never meant to hurt me and that I'll always be special to him. That he loves me but has to close things. Has to heal before he thinks about love. And again, hurt and angry, I told him that all that is a lie. And that you can't just.. Let go of the person you love. That can never be love.
Yesterday, with a raw guilty heart I called him. Telling him that I didn't mean to say what I said. And that he is not as bad as the email discribes. That yes, he broke my heart but deep down he was a good person. He accepted my call very dearly and said that he knows I didn't mean to cause any harm. He tone was friendly but.. So formal. I asked him to skype for 5 mn and that's when it all changed. He saw my face, starred at me for a min and started crying. He ended the call right away. I begged him over msgsto answer my calls. And he did. He said he cares for me. He said he needs me. That he dreams of me every night (well, most of them are him making love to me, he says) but he cant be with me. And thats his decision. He says he brought a young angel into the world and he should assume his responsibilities. He said he thought he was ready for a relationship but he is not. He said he doesn't deserve the love and the heaven he sees in me if he is leaving his baby behind. That he can't cherish what he needs if he is not giving his daughter what she needs. That she needs him more than we need each other. He said he can't decide if he goes back to his wife ( as roommates, he says) just for the little girl. But says he wants to see a psy first to approve that decision or not. Hearing that breaks my heart. But I know, I know deep down he can't live like that, with someone he can't stand. Sacrificing his happiness.

What should I do? Should I take the pain and let him be, let him go. Or fight for him, for my love? I'm afraid he will turn his life into hell with this decision. I'm afraid he will be unhappy forever. Many marriages end, many children have divorced parents but are mentally healthy. Please, help me.. I'm clueless..
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Old 23rd December 2017, 12:46 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Clueless002 View Post
What should I do? Should I take the pain and let him be, let him go. Or fight for him, for my love?
You should take the pain and let him go.

Once you're recovered and ready to date again, avoid married men. Regardless of what they say, most guys only have enough room for one woman in their lives, unless they're an arab sheik or into polygamy but even then it's a losing proposition for the women who all have to share one guy and wait their turn.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:27 PM   #3
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My life is better left to chance...I could have missed the pain....but I'd have had to miss the dance

Last edited by whatnot; 23rd December 2017 at 4:38 PM..
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Old 24th December 2017, 2:54 PM   #4
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It hurts I know....but better to move on...I went through the same thing but the difference is that guy lied to me and then told me heís married with kids...I was hurt and broken...I couldnít break up immediately he kept calling me but finally itís one month I donít talk to him at are very young and a lot of nice guys in this world so definitely you donít need a married man with a kid ...
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:58 PM   #5
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What should you do? You should avoid dating married alcoholics with depression issues. Go no contact and move on with your life.
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:12 AM   #6
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I've never understood how anyone can date a separated = still married person. They're legally bound to another person. Let this be a lesson and don't do it again.
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:10 PM   #7
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Sure, many marriages end but this one has not. And, he is not a mentally healthy person now.

As such, you need to feel the pain and let this go... I'm sorry.
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