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LDR break up - let it go or give it space...


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

 
 
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:04 PM   #1
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LDR break up - let it go or give it space...

Hi - sorry this is soooo long thanks for reading and i'll try to cover everything concisely. I'm in London and had been dating a girl from New York roughly from July - November. We did meet back in March but were both involved with seeing somebody else, we got along so exchanged some details and maybe had the odd message exchange once ever six weeks. We keep it cool over the next few months but she starts to tell me she's excited to see me and lots of really complimentary things - i pay it back but keep it cool. However, she doesn't make it over in July but tells me in August she'll be in Europe and will definitely be coming to London - we just keep talking only we're talking more and more - messaging from morning till evening and then start phone calls and video calls and the personality connection just gets better and better - we have so much in common and can talk for hours. We're both super excited for August and she finally comes and the connection in person is even better, the physicality, the intimacy and the sex is the best we've both ever had and we head off to the country for a long weekend and do lots of exciting spontaneous things - she leaves after a week but we're still talking all the time, having phone and video sex to keep things exciting and planning the next trip. I was heading away for 3 weeks in October so she made a last minute decision to come to London to see me before I left and again I took her away for the weekend and it was the best weekend ever, better than we had before. she tells me how much she misses me, we talk about all the sexual things we want to do and where we're going to go away to next. It's important to remember that communication here had been consistent, passionate and exciting, both people invested in each other and giving back as much as was said by the other person. In my mind this is clearly going somewhere, she tells me she hasn't felt this way since she can remember and it's the best thing in the world but is also a little scared about falling for me too much - i tell her it's ok, we both feel the same so lets just relax and enjoy it. I return end of October - things still good and i start talking about coming over to see her, that i want to do that for her and i'm excited to see her - again she feels the same but is cagey on me coming over - not sure on her plans and that in fact she might be coming to Paris for work so we should hold off which i agree to. That week goes by and I ask her again if she has any news on Paris - she's not sure so again I suggest I'll just come, i'll make some work appointments too and we'll just hang out together. Again though she's not sure so I call her (phone calls have dropped off significantly, especially sex calls which i try to initiate but she's now 'busy' a lot of the time) and we talk but she has to rush off - it's the first time i tell her i'm trying to work out a plan to see her and that if we both want this we have to work together to make the time - didn't seem unreasonable to me - and i'm doing that but she also needs to do the same with me.

Now her text's start to become very spaced out, often not super engaging, not asking me questions back but almost just dropping enough to keep me engaged but a little at a distance. I'm not going to lie - this starts to freak me out a bit but i try to mirror her messaging, not do it too much and keep it how we've had it before - exciting, sexy with the odd 'i miss you' every so often. Now communication becomes less and less (this is mid-November) but a few weeks prior to that i'd had appointments with clients in New York confirm and also had some friends going out there too so i booked some flights, told her i was coming for work and with friends but if she's free then we can hang out but no pressure. Anyway - i decide to ask her if she's ok, is there something else happening that's stressing her out and partly why she's quiet. She then tells me she doesn't want a relationship and this feels like one and it's overwhelming her, i don't react the best to begin with and tell her that maybe we should leave it then and we could've had this conversation as things were progressing so we were both on the same page - she says she doesn't want to cut me out of her life but needs time to think. I go to New York anyway, my flights are booked and we meet a couple of times, the chemistry is slightly off and i get the impression she's not super excited to see me, she's not all over me and seems a bit distant. We agree to talk about the situation and how she feels is that she doesn't want to be tied down to anybody, i'm a few years older than her and tell her that if i'm being honest then i like her enough that i'm willing to build on this and see how a relationship develops but that ultimately if she doesn't want it then we have to walk away. I return and we exchange a few messages that it sucks a bit, i start to give her space and think about some no contact but i struggle with that and just send her a few messages - how is she, what's happening, joke about missing me etc. Not much comes back, she tells me she misses me too so i left for another week - sent a funny message at the weekend not related to us - she did respond that day but it didn't leave the conversation open really.

My questions are - did i act needy but asking her to make plans with me? Should i totally leave this one alone or give it more time? If the feelings were there and that strong it makes me want to hang on for a little bit more - but it's an LDR so it's always going to be incredibly difficult. Any advice? Do I leave her behind now? If she doesn't want me then find somebody here that does? Do i tell her how i'm feeling? I'm still head over heels for her, i think about her and miss her all the time although i keep myself busy enough. Did she play me for a fool or just get scared of commitment? Maybe she wants to keep her options open... thank you!
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:28 PM   #2
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One phrase sums it all up ... she doesn't want a relationship.


You like her but she's feeling overwhelmed so she's pulling back. All you can do is let her go. I suppose you could send her a holiday card but I wouldn't do much more then that & do not put some long mushy heart on your sleeve letter in there -- just happy Christmas, let me know when you are coming back to London.


if she wants something she knows how to reach you. Otherwise, she is done.

Sorry.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:53 PM   #3
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Sorry you're going through this.

I have found out the hard way that, in this sort of relationship, actions speak louder than words.

It doesn't really matter why she's cooled off. Maybe she's scared of a serious relationship, maybe she's met someone else. But things aren't what they used to be.

You might want to give her a couple of weeks to think things over, but I'm afraid you won't like her answer. That is, if she does the right thing and actually answers you. Social media has made it easy for others to ghost us, block us, or just plain ignore us.
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Old 21st December 2017, 9:12 AM   #4
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Thanks for replying. I know deep down itís done with, what we had is gone and Iím beginning to feel that thatís fine. We have messaged a few times, she misses me blah blah but theyíre just words - actions speak louder, youíre so true. I think sheís just dropping bread crumbs because she quite liked the attention maybe. Iím implmenting NC - itís only been a few days and she replied to an Instagram thing I did last night which is also kind of annoying and totally unnecessary for her to do - just keep it to yourself. Aside from looking at my stuff she actually never ever posts and is not a social media type. One final thought, canít decide whether to just stick with NC or send one final message wishing her all the best and whilst it didnít work what we shared was great, if sheís in town some time in the future she can look me up. Part of me wants to finish with the upper hand and more care free but does it sound too considered? Is NC just as strong if not stronger?
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Old 22nd December 2017, 12:27 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcella View Post
I have found out the hard way that, in this sort of relationship, actions speak louder than words.

It doesn't really matter why she's cooled off. Maybe she's scared of a serious relationship, maybe she's met someone else. But things aren't what they used to be.

You might want to give her a couple of weeks to think things over, but I'm afraid you won't like her answer. That is, if she does the right thing and actually answers you. Social media has made it easy for others to ghost us, block us, or just plain ignore us.
Been there a few times myself and the situation always ended the same. I would hear BS excuses, how the guy really does care for me, will try harder and then things go downhill. I get to a point where I pressure answers out of them and I find out they don't want a relationship. The relationship is done, I've heard those excuses before and if you try to get her back, you will waste emotions and time.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:41 PM   #6
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Don't Think Too Much, Everything will be okay

The truth about Long Distance Relationship is that it doesn't always work, or should I say It doesn't really work out. Because I also have a friend who has the same problem like yours, their relationship did not worked out either after how many years they were on a LDR. I think in your case, all we can do is speculate. But, don't loss hope maybe someday she will realize how much you love her. Don't think negative thoughts, everything will be okay. Good luck!
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Old 22nd December 2017, 11:32 PM   #7
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Yeah , she's a goner sorry to say.
Basically she had her fun and it''s all fizzled out now . Women can be exactly the same as men once they get their kicks.

If you wanna send her something it won't hurt or make any difference either way to things but at least you've sort of ended in a semi nice way , lot better than fireworks.
Good luck.
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Old 1st January 2018, 4:49 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcella View Post
I have found out the hard way that, in this sort of relationship, actions speak louder than words.

It doesn't really matter why she's cooled off. Maybe she's scared of a serious relationship, maybe she's met someone else. But things aren't what they used to be.

You might want to give her a couple of weeks to think things over, but I'm afraid you won't like her answer. That is, if she does the right thing and actually answers you. Social media has made it easy for others to ghost us, block us, or just plain ignore us.
I have been there myself and this answer is on point. If a person grows distance LDR or local, there is something going on and most likely they don't want to continue the relationship. I had 2 guys do that, both long distance. The 1st one was super short, but the second I dated for about 6 months. I felt something was off and he wouldn't tell me until I pressed it. I tried very hard to give him space only for him to turn around and tell he has been unhappy. He didn't want a relationship, it was hard, but I let him go, we haven't talked for quite awhile and actually I'm grateful he ended it. I found another guy who I am very fulfilled and happy w/. You deserve better!
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