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My relationship - or, is it still a relationship?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 11th November 2017, 12:36 PM   #31
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A few thoughts...

If he is unable to work and currently participating in hobbies to try to "organize himself" and give him something to do during the day, then that means he has some very serious mental health issues. He is definitely NOT in a place to be involved in a serious relationship and this is NOT someone that you can ever really rely on...

And no, you are not wrong to expect daily communication, frequent trips to spend time together, and a plan to be together in the future. He is not in a place where he can offer that to you right now, which means... You are not in an actual relationship with this man right now.

And finally, he is definitely wanting sex and fully prepared to guilt you into getting it. He wants sex without actually putting any time or effort into the relationship, and that is just unacceptable (considering that what you want is a more serious relationship.).

Time to let this guy go and invest your time into finding a real boyfriend who can give you the things that you want from a relationship. I'm sorry.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:40 PM   #32
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Thank you for reassuring me I have not lost my mind. I would hate to be a girlfriend nagging my boyfriends to call me all the time or to text me non stop and informing me of his every step. I acknowledge that he has his own life and time to take. But not sharing/ talking completely is too much. I mean, I cannot live on sentences such as "I send you hugs" or "I send you a kiss". I have a deep inner life and I would love to share it with someone special. And I would love to learn about the other person's inner life. I believe that this is what the relationship are about. You reassured me I'm not so wrong in believing that.
Absolutely! And don't let him make you feel guilty for wanting that. It's 100% normal and justified.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:45 PM   #33
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Thank you so much for sharing your accurate thoughts with me. Actually, thank you all for doing so. I'm feeling so miserable about the situation today that I'm actually sitting here, without doing my work which I should do, and I feel unable to think of anything else than this relationship.

Your thoughts are very accurate. This is exactly what I'm sensing when I stressed that he is not leading a double life and when I highlighted he lives very much by the world in his mind. I sense that this issue is related to the experience from the past that he underwent. Hence, I believe that this issue and his perception of our relationship is based on something mentally based. I know that he is not telling me lies, I know that his feeling is true, but the way that it appears on daily basis (mainly, me waiting for a single word, unless I take the initiative) makes me feel extremely insecure. That is the reason I would like to postpone engaging into actions (ex sleeping together) which entail responsible decisions and secure relations. I would actually love to meet him to get to know him better and talk over everything that happened, but he seems offended now that I don't want to meet merely to spend time together and talk..

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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
A few thoughts...

If he is unable to work and currently participating in hobbies to try to "organize himself" and give him something to do during the day, then that means he has some very serious mental health issues. He is definitely NOT in a place to be involved in a serious relationship and this is NOT someone that you can ever really rely on...

And no, you are not wrong to expect daily communication, frequent trips to spend time together, and a plan to be together in the future. He is not in a place where he can offer that to you right now, which means... You are not in an actual relationship with this man right now.

And finally, he is definitely wanting sex and fully prepared to guilt you into getting it. He wants sex without actually putting any time or effort into the relationship, and that is just unacceptable (considering that what you want is a more serious relationship.).

Time to let this guy go and invest your time into finding a real boyfriend who can give you the things that you want from a relationship. I'm sorry.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:49 PM   #34
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I meant: ** offended that I want merely to meet and spend time together, talk...**
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:08 PM   #35
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After debating with all of you, which I appreciate immensely, I decided that I will not initiate any action anymore and I will simply see what will happen and what he will tell me. I would love to see him because I really care and kept building expectations in my mind but meeting and sleeping together will not do, regardless whether I would love it or not, since it also entails taking a great responsiblity and reassurance that we are looking in the same direction.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:18 PM   #36
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Cathy, have you met this man in person before? How much time have you actually spent together? Or, is this truly an online relationship?

I think you are very wise to let this go. This man really does have DANGER written all over him.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #37
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I would love to see him because I really care and kept building expectations in my mind but meeting and sleeping together will not do, regardless whether I would love it or not.
This is the thing, it really does seem that you have built expectations in your mind and you have created a certain fantasy around this man... And not, you are beginning to see that the fantasy is not reality.

You are not wrong to have expectations in a relationship - to communicate, spend time together, be considerate of the other person, etc... What we have to be careful not to build an unrealistic fantasy about someone or a relationship.

And yes, sex makes everything more complicated. Have sex with this man, and you will feel differently about him and your relationship. There is a reason why people wait to have sex... it allows you to get to know someone and evaluate that person as a potential partner before all the hormones start to cloud your vision...
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:26 PM   #38
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Dear BaileyB,

thank you. Yes, we have met in a professional situation at work. We were both working in our teams on this day and after that we became friends. We have also met in person afterwards. During our professional meeting, he made on me the impression of a very easy going, communicative man. He was always very communicative during our face to face meetings. It was by this time I have learnt about his problem and was there to support him. Throughout the spring we talked about it on and on and I was at least happy that we are sharing with each other, (even thought it was this topic). I think that this relationship is going so very poorly because of this mental problem somewhere back there and while he thinks that everything is ok, it is not. I do not want to hurt him because indeed he grew important and I was very hurt in a past too, so I can relate to all these feelings and I would like to treat him seriously. When I told him that we don't communicate at all, he claims that "but before we were communicating" and that "he has me in his heart anyway".

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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Cathy, have you met this man in person before? How much time have you actually spent together? Or, is this truly an online relationship?

I think you are very wise to let this go. This man really does have DANGER written all over him.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:34 PM   #39
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I mean, our team was hosting an open event and he was a guest who came around. I really don't know how this story ends but I think that the only possibility is to see his actions and interpret them.
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Old 11th November 2017, 2:04 PM   #40
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I mean, our team was hosting an open event and he was a guest who came around. I really don't know how this story ends but I think that the only possibility is to see his actions and interpret them.
Is it a mental health facility?
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Old 11th November 2017, 2:05 PM   #41
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surely not : )
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Old 11th November 2017, 2:07 PM   #42
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You're a caterer?
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Old 11th November 2017, 2:08 PM   #43
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I work in education sector.
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Old 11th November 2017, 5:46 PM   #44
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I wrote him that we can meet up and start this very serious thing if he is ready to commit and involve in our communication at least to such a point that I know that I can rely on him (and that he knows that he is involving into something which carries responsibility in any case). He answered that he prefers not to respond to this question and that his feelings for me are the same and they are big and meaningful. He said that he didn't have time to talk much because he is doing many things (as if I didn't have to do many things! I have the whole set of things to peform and still I think of him!) He also wrote that he is sad and therefore, he is going to sleep. The end of conversation.
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Old 11th November 2017, 5:51 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by Cathy7 View Post
I wrote him that we can meet up and start this very serious thing if he is ready to commit and involve in our communication at least to such a point that I know that I can rely on him (and that he knows that he is involving into something which carries responsibility in any case). He answered that he prefers not to respond to this question and that his feelings for me are the same and they are big and meaningful. He said that he didn't have time to talk much because he is doing many things (as if I didn't have to do many things! I have the whole set of things to peform and still I think of him!) He also wrote that he is sad and therefore, he is going to sleep. The end of conversation.
He's a piece of work.

What happened to waiting until he contacts you?? Leave him alone. He's not willing to be what you need.
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